There You'll Be

I do think realizing there have been some good moments is a positive thing, also. I hope your new therapy and new job are going well.

Leanne, that's fabulous you've enjoyed your painting, and the group there. Do you think when you're finished with that club that you'll join another one? I'm happy you're having such a good time.

Sunny, how are things going there? Do you keep different aspects of your live separated? I'm noticing you don't seem to bleed them into each other-or is it just because you're responding to the subjects of the threads?

New Year's was it's typical awfulness. Christmas, however really messed with my head, and jerked me around. The beginning of December my neighbor showed up with Mom. It made my emotions so confused, because, well...it was insane when I was thrown out, and all of that. Still, she's my mom. In my head I know I can't trust her. Deeply can't. She brought some of the winter clothes I've been needing, coloring books, Christmas cards for me to do, and hundreds of pictures in a big box-which meant the most to me.

A couple of days later I got 2 books of stamps from her, so I could do my Christmas cards. A few days after that, I got a package. Then a Christmas card, with $20.

I'm hoping that you all have some input of while she's doing all of this, that I can't trust her. Or, I shouldn't turn my back on her. Or, how to handle it, if it's a good thing.

I fell again the other night and couldn't get up on my own, just from having slid off my chair. It kind of made me think that's why she would'nt want me home. She's 78, and obviously would be helpless to get me up. Still wonder if I'm making excuses as to why she won't take me home?

reason to believe

hey, Kim! Yeah I found it was good for me to get out weekly to a fun hobby thing. This season the instructor is doing a “art journaling” class and I’m thinking of registering for that too.

Hmm, I’m not expert of figuring out that weird behaviour, but maybe your mom feels out of her league with taking care of your needs in case of things like what you mentioned has happened or could happen. She may feel like that cause of your brother’s illness too. I wouldn’t trust her either. I keep thinking what she did to April! Maybe she feels regret or at least wants to keep in contact with her only left child by giving you things now thinking it will make things a bit better or thinks you’d get “better care” there than she can do. Wish she would just get it together and let you go back home without drama though.

sunnykerr

Kim, I think looking for logic in your mother's behaviour is a recipe for anxiety and depression. I doubt she understands why she does the things she does. Maybe she did kick you out because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to take care of you. Maybe it was something else. Maybe she doesn't know why she did it.

My wish and hope for you is that you focus on what you want and need. It's for you to decide how your mother fits (or doesn't) into that. Not her.

There You'll Be

Thanks y'all. I

I know Leanne. I have to block out what she did to April-but, it hit me, too, that I told her I'd rather April be put to sleep, than confused, and at risk, with another family.

Sunny, that really helps me. I need to focus on my life, and not try to figure out what she's thinking, or doing. I do need to just deal with me as she presents herself, and leave it at that.

That really helps me.

sunnykerr

Well, hey, if it helps...

But I really do believe that the best you can do is to deal with her on your terms, Kim. Your plate is full enough as it is.

There You'll Be

Your post is a light bulb moment for me. Thank you.

How are you doing, aside from the obvious circular things in your life? Are you still seeing a therapist?

My Dr. took me off Paxil, which drove me downhill into depression. He changed me to Lexapro, and it's really a big difference.

reason to believe

Hope you don't get sick from Lexapro, Kim. Thought it did once. That's what I have and it works pretty good for me!

sunnykerr

Going off one medication is always super tricky. I'm glad a solution was found.

I'm doing okay, Kim. I had a couple of rough weeks there, but I seem to have gotten back to my usual "neutral".

Meliana

Agree with all your posts. Kim, it's your head you can influence and heal. You may come in time to accept what she has done, or how she behaves from now on, but you need to focus on your own needs and learning to deal with the trauma in whatever way works for you.

I'm still feeling quite depressed and unable to look forward to anything. However, I have been making progress. I'm fighting back against procrastination, and making moves towards where I want to be mentally.

sunnykerr

Claire, endless kudos to you for not letting the depression stop you. Because that's what depression does and that's how it turns into a tailspin, isn't it? So endless kudos to you, not kidding.

Meliana

Thanks Sunny. That means a lot.

sunnykerr

Well, I mean it. I am impressed.

Clover1983

Guys...I have the feeling I am relapsing.

I'm feeling down alot the past few days. I swear, if somebody say something negative to me I have the feeling I'll be burst into tears!

I don't like my new job but I did signed the contract they offered me, out of fear for my family. They were nagging that I shouldn't be negative about this job and that I have to be "happy" that I'm working again.

Tomorrow is a new day at work and I caaaan't staaaaand iiiit anymoooore!! Especially when the alarm goes off at 5am

There You'll Be

Sunny's right, Claire. It;s a big deal. I hope that you get to where you look forward to some things. If you're trying to fake it, it may make it a lot harder to look forward to things, though.

Sunny, I am glad things have kind of settled down.

I'm doing better, for now. I don't know if it's the lexapro, or the remaron he put me on to increase my appetite. Apparently that is a really good depression med.

Clover, posted the same time as you. It won't hurt anything if you were to burst into tears. It may just be getting used to working again. Or, like I said above, if you're trying to fake happy, that takes a lot more energy.

Meliana

I'm glad the new med is helping so much, Kim!

I'm not into faking things so no worries there.

Clover, try to listen to that inner negative self-critical voice, and change what it's saying to something more positive and reasonable. And above all be kind to yourself. You're doing well by doing this new job, and you can recognise that. I hope things improve for you.