There You'll Be

Were you able to relax today?

I'm anxious about the memorial service. I'm afraid, and pretty sure I'm going to lose it.

My mother called my cousin (Jeannie-the one who called me and told me) to make sure I knew. She also asked how I'm doing, and said to tell me she loves me. That made me rethink what was going on. I wonder if she's not wanting me to call, because we are both heartbroken and she might not have been able to handle me losing it-because she's losing it too. Anyway, I don't want to rip her face off any more. I'm still furious over the last several years, but not about this any more.

Anxious about hiring Nicole's honeys man to go pick up all my stuff, and move it into storage. Like, how will I afford it? How can I get that done plus worry that someone will steal from my storage unit, or it will get ruined? Just ugh.

reason to believe

Kim. I understand being anxious and worried about emotion control at memorial services or funerals. Funerals aren’t really my thing. Everyone else there will be feeling the same as you so I’m sure there is no judgment from anyone about a relative being sad and upset.

Death sometimes makes people reevaluate things, maybe your mom is.

You’ll be ok in the end of things, Kim!

sunnykerr

Kim, you may lose it at the memorial. If there's ever a place where it's okay to lose it, surely it's at a memorial service, no? Don't let yourself feel anxious about that. It's completely appropriate to lose it at a memorial.

It's also okay if you don't. You have you're whole life to lose it over your brother's loss.

What you do and however you feel is all okay. You just lost your only brother.

There You'll Be

thank you.

The obituary left me out.

My cousin will be here Weds, after a 10 hour drive, to be with me.

sunnykerr

I love that your cousin is going to be there for you.

Who cares about a lousy obituary? Kevin knew you. And everyone who knew him knows you exist. The rest doesn't matter.

LLamacorn In Training

I’m finding myself taking anxiety meds daily.

Meliana

I really hope things go well, Kim.

It doesn't really surprise me that your mum said that. With your brother gone she will suddenly feel alone, maybe even regretful, but if it was me I would not forgive her. What she did is unforgivable in my opinion. I know it is expensive to store stuff, it's tough for you, I wish there was an easy solution.

^I hope it helps.

sunnykerr

Forgiving doesn't always mean "it's okay," though. For me, it just means "it was not okay, but my peace of mind requires that I put this whole thing behind me. I chose to move on."

Some years ago, a friendship that meant a lot to me (mostly by virtue of my not having a whole lot of friends and this person making me feel like maybe she'd be in my life for the long haul) ended pretty badly. I was distraught. I made the decision to put it behind me. It was painful. It wasn't simple. I was not graceful -- at all -- in putting it behind me.

And just today, while reflecting over the whole time of our friendship, I realized something. We weren't good friends to begin with. I invested emotionally a lot in this friendship because I didn't have many friends at the time. But that was on me.

So it's taken several years, but I'm genuinely over it. And pretty darn relieved that I didn't waste time feeding the drama of how that friendship ended.

reason to believe

Sounds similar to me, Sunny.

Meliana

That sounds a very healthy way of looking at it, Sunny.

Clover1983

I receive accompaniment from an organisation because I can't live my life well caused by my mental illnesses. The organisation had a BBQ this evening. I went there but staying there gave me alot of anxiety because I know nobody. I have social phobia so making contact with strangers is very hard for me. Tension went sky high and when it's sky high I need to smoke. Problem was I forgot my cigarettes! So instead I focused on the food. I could manage to stay there for a small 2 hours and then I left.
I wanted to walk along the entire boulevard to get the tension out of my body, but the other half of the boulevard was in renovation.
Now I'm home, trying to relax while being here. It's past 10pm here, so i will go to bed soon. Hopefully the tension won't start again in bed!

sunnykerr

^ Is it wrong that I see that as a massive victory for you?

I mean, I get that you're not feeling it that way. But you stayed there two hours. That's not a short amount of time. And you didn't have your cigarettes to calm you down.

You made it. Good for you!

And, Claire, there wasn't really anything healthy about it, at the time. I work with this person. I don't how much of it was ego, but I really just didn't want my emotions to be seen by everyone. That was a large part of my ongoing decision to put it all behind me.

I'm thrilled that it happened the way it did now. But I'm not sure it was all about being healthy at the time.

reason to believe

If you have social anxiety, yet went by yourself to a thing for two hours, I’d say that’s a great accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself for getting out there

Must be hard to try to be friends with someone that ended badly yet you have to interact with them professionally at work.

Clover1983

I'm trying to see it as a some kind of victory but it doesn't feel right to be proud of myself.

And today is another "social-experiment" for me, I'm going to work for a day in a lunchroom to see if this new job fits me.

I will let you know how this went...

Meliana

You should totally feel proud of yourself. Plenty of people can't even get out the door to go to social events. It is indeed a milestone for you.

I agree, Sunny. I only meant you have a healthy way of looking back on it now, rather than it being healthy at the time.