BlackSapphire

Of course I don't mind
I fell pregnant, and I was instantly anticipating being a mother. I always love children and I knew I would be able to give my child stability in all ways.
I had no problems during the pregnancy. I decided to call her Evie Nothing was abnormal, then I lost her to placental complications which means the placenta (the organ that links the baby's blood supply to the mother and nourishes the baby in the womb) wasn't functioning properly. And I held her in my arms, which I felt lucky to do because many decades ago, women wasn't allowed to hold their still-born baby. I just wanted to hold her and know that she is my beautiful baby. I got to hold her for 10 minutes and the nurse came in the room and kindly asked me if I am ready to..... basically let go. I looked at her and said quite bluntly.. "You're not going to touch her. Nobody is going to touch her. I'm holding her and she is staying in my arms" I was just clutching her, rocking back and forth... crying. My husband at the time was inconsolable but sitting by the side of me. And she wouldn't leave, and in temper and defending my right to hold my daughter, I said to her "Go away before I gouge your eyes out" She left. At that point, I asked my husband to leave me and my baby alone, when he left, I started to tell her how much I love her and that I made her a beautiful room back home, that she would have wanted for nothing and that I am going to keep you safe... Anyway a doctor came in, I told him to go away, and Adam said "it's for the best Vicki, please let her go." At that point nurses crowded round and I screamed at the top of my voice "NO! I got out of bed and I dragged the doctor back but the nurses were around, told me to go back into bed. And I just cried and cried a river, screaming, punching the wall. The darkest moment of my life. I kept on saying "Just kill me. I can't live anymore" my husband arranged the funeral for Evie, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't even remember my own little baby girl's funeral for crying hysterically.
I started to hibernate afterwards, I declined any support from my parents, other family and friends and I started doing little things like hugging a dress that I bought her while crying. I grieved with little things like that.
Then I kept having flashbacks of what I went through losing her, My drinking was excessive at that point. I didn't go to work, I was just going downhill. My husband at the time tried to help me but I shut him out of my life like I did with everyone else. Then 6 months later he cheated on me.
At that point I was smoking weed, drinking, my mother was pleading with me to seek help. It made her not eat, not sleep, everything. I just wish I realised sooner but I was ill
The depression lasted a long time.

It gets better every day, you know? But to me, she is still my beautiful angel. I take flowers to her grave every week and, to me, it's the prettiest grave in the cemetery.