Collins

^ Yeah, I understand that. I did that a lot too and I think it's why I started in the first place. When I was at my worst times, I always craved it so much.

Ron_Beckett

For the first time in a long time I've wanted to SI and wall punch. Family drama caused it mostly. We're pretty f'd up when it comes to dealing with the emotional and heavy issues in our lives.

i never learn

why not door slam? make that bitch come off the hinges! it's not funny, but still... i remember my mom made me live for a month without a door. i had to prop the door against the wall for privacy. don't si though! don't punish yourself like that.

Ron_Beckett

No I didn't. I let myself steam and rage inside my head. Didn't act on the urges.

Sunrise at Midnight

i never learn

i hate when my depression sets in. wish i could just get up and move like a ~normal human being.

Sunrise at Midnight

does talking about it help?

BlackSapphire

Maybe this thread is a good outlet for you to spill your emotions/feelings? I hope it is
You're strong person. Help yourself and no matter what people say that is bad, you can fight your way through it, cos after all we're women with nerves of steel


I am at a place now where I can talk about the loss of my daughter. Before, when I was depressed, I couldn't bring myself to open up about it. I couldn't help myself completely, I had to seek help from a therapist.

Tina

Vicki: What happened, if you don't mind me asking?

Alexis: Maybe talking about it will help

BlackSapphire

Of course I don't mind
I fell pregnant, and I was instantly anticipating being a mother. I always love children and I knew I would be able to give my child stability in all ways.
I had no problems during the pregnancy. I decided to call her Evie Nothing was abnormal, then I lost her to placental complications which means the placenta (the organ that links the baby's blood supply to the mother and nourishes the baby in the womb) wasn't functioning properly. And I held her in my arms, which I felt lucky to do because many decades ago, women wasn't allowed to hold their still-born baby. I just wanted to hold her and know that she is my beautiful baby. I got to hold her for 10 minutes and the nurse came in the room and kindly asked me if I am ready to..... basically let go. I looked at her and said quite bluntly.. "You're not going to touch her. Nobody is going to touch her. I'm holding her and she is staying in my arms" I was just clutching her, rocking back and forth... crying. My husband at the time was inconsolable but sitting by the side of me. And she wouldn't leave, and in temper and defending my right to hold my daughter, I said to her "Go away before I gouge your eyes out" She left. At that point, I asked my husband to leave me and my baby alone, when he left, I started to tell her how much I love her and that I made her a beautiful room back home, that she would have wanted for nothing and that I am going to keep you safe... Anyway a doctor came in, I told him to go away, and Adam said "it's for the best Vicki, please let her go." At that point nurses crowded round and I screamed at the top of my voice "NO! I got out of bed and I dragged the doctor back but the nurses were around, told me to go back into bed. And I just cried and cried a river, screaming, punching the wall. The darkest moment of my life. I kept on saying "Just kill me. I can't live anymore" my husband arranged the funeral for Evie, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't even remember my own little baby girl's funeral for crying hysterically.
I started to hibernate afterwards, I declined any support from my parents, other family and friends and I started doing little things like hugging a dress that I bought her while crying. I grieved with little things like that.
Then I kept having flashbacks of what I went through losing her, My drinking was excessive at that point. I didn't go to work, I was just going downhill. My husband at the time tried to help me but I shut him out of my life like I did with everyone else. Then 6 months later he cheated on me.
At that point I was smoking weed, drinking, my mother was pleading with me to seek help. It made her not eat, not sleep, everything. I just wish I realised sooner but I was ill
The depression lasted a long time.

It gets better every day, you know? But to me, she is still my beautiful angel. I take flowers to her grave every week and, to me, it's the prettiest grave in the cemetery.

Tina

Aw, Vicki. I'm so sorry for your loss. While I don't understand, as I've never experience, I feel empathy. So sorry, sweetie. It's very sweet that you bring flowers to her grave every week.

I was born 3 months too early; I weighted about 2 pounds. Apparently I died a few times. Due to being premature, I have some complications. It's been a hard road, but I just need to accept the things I cannot change. After dad dying and having disabilities, I fell majorly into depression when I was a teen. I always locked myself into my room. I joined Fan Forum when I was 15 and it has helped me ever since.

Today, I'm lucky to be alive.

BlackSapphire

Thank you sweetheart

Wow, that's amazing you survived. and I hope you give yourself the credit that you deserve for having such strength You're a lovely lady.
I'm sorry for your loss He is still with you spiritually, just like my daughter is with me
You are lucky, we need people like you in our lives and this place is a great outlet.. I'm proud of you.

Tina

Thanks, sweetie.
And the thing is, my disabilities could be a lot worse. But I'm capable of doing everything a normal person can do. I just have some sight and hearing loss. No biggie. I can still see and hear. So... with that, I just need to accept the things I cannot change.

My internship adviser wants to do a newsletter on me.

BlackSapphire

You're right, it's no biggie. It could have been a lot more worse Bless your heart.
Newsletter? Ooooh interesting! You must be flattered!

Sunrise at Midnight

Tina & Vicki you both have such amazing strength that you both share here and it's a gift we get to see it here daily! group_hug:



I've been saying the same thing about for a long time. We are all truly blessed to have it. Where else can you open up and get comfort and support judgement free and then go fan girl/fanboy with the same people... there is no doubt in my mind this site has saved a few lives.