Rebel'n'Spuffy

Hi all.

I know a lot of you know me from around the boards... I was a huge Buffy/Spike fan (BtVS), and a Max/Tess (Roswell) as well as a fan fic writer and a music video buff. Now my fav show is "Lost" which - yay! - starts today.

Many months ago, I went through what is called 'Missing time'. I lost several days in a row, in which I had no clue what I had done, where I had been or who I had seen. My job didn't know where I was, no one did. I uncovered journal entries for those days, but they were a rambling mess.

At first I hid all evidence of what had happened from my family and friends. Letting only my best friend read the entries, out of fear that I would be locked up. My family is a huge, strict Irish Catholic family, and they don't enjoy these type of things popping up. Not to mention I have no belief in God, what-so-ever, so they already thought of me in dark-lighting, if you know what I mean.

Everything was fine, until I got drunk one night at a friend's party. There is nothing wrong with me drinking, I am an adult and I chose to do so. I didn't drive or anything, either - lol. This was not my first time getting drunk, so I knew how much I could drink before getting sick, and I didn't drink more then I could handle.

I went home with a friend who was driving. All during the car ride home, I kept seeing things out of the window. At first they were blurry, but then they became very real. I saw what looked like small dwarf-like demonic looking birds. They were blue and green and had very orange-red looking eyes, their faces looked human in shape, while their bodies were the shape of birds. They were tossing themselves very close to the car. This scared the daylights out of me. My friend kept asking me if I was ok, and I kept telling her I was fine. I didn't tell her what I was seeing. If it wasn't real, I didn't want her to think I was mad, and if it was real, I didn't want to scare her.

Then suddenly, they were gone. I was so relieved to see them gone, that I sighed very heavily. My friend thought I was going to be sick or something and served to the side of the road. I told her I was fine, and we should keep going. I got a very scared feeling, that someone was watching me. At this moment, my friend realized something very wrong was going on with me, and she demanded that I tell. So I did. She didn't know what to think, so she decided that it would be best if we went to my place, had some coffee and see what happens. I liked her plan, it felt safe - so I agreed.

We got to my home, and I made some coffee. I was in the kitchen by myself, while my friend was in the living room waiting for the coffee to be done. I heard someone call my name, so I assumed it was her and asked her "What?” She immediately said that she didn't say anything. I thought she was trying to mess with my head, so I got mad, and told her not to **** with me, I was scared enough already. She insisted that she didn't do anything and I became very angry. Then it happened again. This time I flew into a rage. I don't know why I got so upset, but I did. I started to back my friend into a corner, and she became both angry and scared. It was only then, that I heard my name being called again, and realized it was not her. I apologized. She asked me what was happening, and I told her I didn't know.

What was going on? Was I going mad? I remember falling onto my couch in disbelief. I started to cry. My own mind was out of my control, and I couldn't figure out what was real anymore. I was going insane. My friend sat down beside me and asked what it was that I heard. I told her that I heard someone calling my name. She said, "That never happened." She was so sure, so sincere that I believed her. "Then what did I hear?" I asked. She didn't know. She told me that maybe I was too drunk, and needed to sober up. I said ok, but I knew deep down that this was not my problem.

I did not mention that day again. When I was around her, I pretended that everything was ok again, and that it had been a drunken mess. However, I continued to have more and more breaks with reality. I would sleep walk, and find myself half-way across town in the morning, in my bare feet. I would see the demonic-birds fairly often, even at work. I tried to ignore them, but it became harder with each day they appeared.

To my horror, my boyfriend bought me a small blue and green bird, made of glass. When I saw it, I wanted to scream. He realized that I did not like the gift, and asked me if everything was ok. I told him yes, ‘everything is fine’.

That night, I slept at his house, in his bed. But I did not wake up there. Instead, I woke up on his kitchen floor, with him standing over me. I was so out of it that he had to lift me up and carry me to the bedroom, before his parents woke up and found us (He was home from college for the summer, and isn’t allowed girls over). He asked me what was going on, I refused to admit there was a problem. He demanded that I not lie to him. I said I wasn’t lying, that nothing was wrong – it was just sleep walking. He sat down beside me and explained that through the night, I was babbling in my sleep. He said that he heard me say I would kill the birds. I became very upset at this, and told him to shut up. I knew I owed him more then that, but I couldn’t tell him what was going on, because I didn’t know myself.

It was becoming harder to hide that something was wrong. I couldn’t control my own thoughts, let alone how I reacted to hallucinations and delusions. One night, not long after the incident at my boyfriend’s house – my mother caught me in a state of utter insanity. She was supposed to be at work, and I was home alone. I don’t entirely remember what occurred, but I remember enough to know that it was not good. I was in the kitchen. I had been making cookies. But I didn’t remember that, all I was doing was babbling, and nothing and everything – screaming too. My neighbors could hear me, and I am very sure that I scared some of them. Someone must have called my mother at her job, because she came home three and half hours early, to find me this way. She called the doctor, and he sent me to see a mental-health expert.

They locked me up. For two days I stayed in the hospital. The first night I was strapped to my bed because I was acting like a complete loon. After that I was much more calm, and also doped up. After observing my behavior, and the descriptions that both my boyfriend and my best friend gave my mother, and doctor, my doctor said that I had a mild case of Schizophrenia – and I was having what is called a Schizophrenic break.

Mild? None of what happened to me felt mild. But I understand that Schizophrenia can be a hundred times worse then what I have, so I accept that for what it is. I have no history of this disorder in my family. I had no prior symptoms, although looking back on it now; I did have some high-risk personality traits that are associated with Schizophrenia.

Anyways, the reason I decided to write this out, was because I needed a safe venting area. Since I have been coming to this site for years, and I have gotten to know a lot of you guys, I thought this place would be pretty good.

Quarterley

Kelie, I am sorry. But the good thing is, even though it is freaking you out that you got this disorder, I see that you took the time to try to understand the disorder instead of denying it. I suppose you are getting treatment for it. It is okay to be scared, anyone would. But try to stay strong and do what you can to get better. Don't avoid going to the doctor if it gets worse just because you don't want to get locked up.

Rebel'n'Spuffy

Indeed. I did some research on the disorder after being told I had it. I used to pride myself on having intelligence and self control. This disorder made me feel I had neither. After researching it, I relaized that many people with Schizophrenia are very smart, and prone to stress - which can be one of the triggers for a break. I have been through a lot in the last two years. Some of my friends died in a car accident, and I lost my soul mate in the wreak (She was my very best friend). I tried to commit suicide after that, and my now ex-boyfriend (I am dating someone else now) found me, and he saved my life. Although, because of everything that had happened, we decided we could't stay together anymore. We were engaged. I think all of the above, and some added stress of the missing time, and trying to hide it from everyone probably pushed me over my limits and caused the break. But I am not 100% sure.

pts.of.athrty

I'm so sorry for you. I'm sure it was so scary and all. I hope you get better soon..

Quarterley

This ex-bf who saved you...is it the same one from that incident of the accidental pregnancy?

Rebel'n'Spuffy

^ No. I dated Sean first, for a long time (He saved me). Then I dated 'Jay', who I had the pregnancy problem with. Now I am dating Chad - a high school sweety. Sorry if thats confusing. I forget that people have no clue who I am talking about when I say 'boyfriend this' or 'boyfriend that'.

Quarterley

Ohhhh okie.

So what did your doctor say about treatment? Are you likely going to get worse?

Rebel'n'Spuffy

I am not on meds right now. He thinks if I can control the triggers that cause my breaks, I should be ok. I am also going to a theropist (sp?) who is trying to help me uncover what exactly my triggers are. But until I figure it out, I am not allowed to drink liquor, or drive anywhere too far by myself. Kind of annoying, but its better to be safe then sorry.

Quarterley

That is true. Better to be safe and figure out the source. You also need to relax and next time you see the demon birds or hear voices, don't be scared and tell your friends it's nothing. Cuz likely, they can tell there is something but you not telling them makes them even more scared and worried.

ALittaM

Sweetie I'm sorry you've been suffering from this terrible thing. I hope you can fin d a way to feel better soon!

Robotica

Awwww... I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Just remember that you're never alone...

My uncle actually suffers this same disorder, as does one of my brother's old friends, so I have a bit of familiarity with it...

Take care of yourself...

Rebel'n'Spuffy

Are they on meds? If so, what kind of effect do they on their personality? Right now I am not taking any, but I may need to in the future, and I am a bit nervous.

sick little jag

Oh wow. That's sounds so scary. I have had my fair share of mental problems and I thought for a long time that I was bipolar, but man...schizophrenia, even a mild case sounds really scary. I'm glad that you finally got some help, though. I know it isn't fun to be hospitalized, and you may resent it and be mad about it, but more than likely when you come out of it you'll be better for it. It does sounds like since you've become aware of it you've been able to manage it and that's good. I don't know what the meds are for schizophrenia but I have been on them for depression and anxiety disorders and I know that they did help and so if you're going to be on them, you should take them.

TheAngel

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I recently had a panic attack and that freaked me out big time, but I'm going to a psychologist now and things are starting to get better. Talking to people really does help. As for meds, I don't want to take meds personally, but my problem is not severe enough to do so. With schizophrenia, there are normally three classes of people 1/3 of the people diagnosed recieve temporary treatment and are fine, 1/3 will be able to control their disease with medication but will have to do so for the rest of their lives, 1/3 will never really be under control and will battle with it for the rest of their lives. I'm betting you are in the first third, perhaps the 2nd, but if you aren't on medication now then your Dr probably feels that you can handle it. Just don't panic. Most psychotropic drugs aren't too bad about side effects. And if you're scared of them, talk to your doctor about all of your fears, he can recomend things that will help but won't change your personality.
Good luck with all this, and if you need someone to talk to, just PM or e-mail me. I'm always avaliable to talk.

SweetPea345

Aww I'm very sorry. I can relate. On Sunday my brother FLIPPED out. We had to bring him to the ER..it was just random and scary. For two days we kept him home because we were given false information and wasted a lot of time. He's currently been in this clinic for three days..counting today. They're talking possible skitzophrenia to. Nothing's really known yet though. He got a cat scan today..so I guess we'll find out as soon as they know..and do some more tests.