You speak very good English, but I did wonder if it was from a non-native speaker.
It's not that any of the grammar is
wrong, just that changing a few words around makes it smoother/easier to say.
And honestly the first part of my corrected version still bugs me...it seems like there should be another way to say it, but I can't figure out what it is (this is me any time I was writing fanfic. I'd always have clunky sentences the first time around and then sit forever moving words around trying to make it better.
)