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Re HarshBench: Mary is very compassionate. She chooses when and when not to be, but I've seen examples since the beginning of the show--her being a protective older sister to Sybil ( which yeah is kinda offset by her relationship with Edith but that's beside the point ), her defending Tom, her caring for Matthew when he was wounded...I think it's definitely a trait she has. She's also had to navigate a patriarchal society all her life that denied her her birthright simply because she was born a girl, so that could definitely fuel her wanting a better world. She might not be as political as Sybil was but she is open to change/wants change--even just from that conversation with Anna after she went to the chemist.
Tony did turn his house into a school for girls--so that does better the world in that sense.
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I agree Mary can be compassionate and caring. However, she is not exceptionally so. Most people are compassionate and caring with those whom they love, as Mary is. But someone who is exceptionally so would behave that way with a wider circle of people, not just with a few.
And Mary's caring side is offset by a self-centered, entitled side that is focused on her getting exactly what she wants. Sure, she's had to navigate a patriarchal society but so has every other woman of her time. And of course she would have loved that society to change so that she could get Downton. But did she do anything about it? Get involved in social justice causes, women's suffrage, progressive politics? No. More importantly, did she care about the rights of women in general or just about HER right to get Downton and how it was unfair that Matthew got it instead of her?
It was unfair that Sybil and Edith didn't get it too. The whole system was unfair: unfair to the lower classes who were given so little chance to advance in life, unfair to women who couldn't vote, unfair to younger siblings (including hers) who couldn't inherit just because they were born later than the oldest. Mary is at the top of a very tall ladder. Not the highest rung, but pretty close. Closer than her sisters....but that never seemed to concern her. That they were never going to inherit Downton? She never gave it a thought.
I don't feel sorry for Mary regarding the "patriarchal society" thing because that was just one aspect of the injustice of society in that time period. But she has never shown an interest in correcting those injustices, least of all the class system that keeps her on top. She is more than happy to let that stand because it benefits her. Mary dislikes the patriarchy primarily because it took Downton away from her. Not because of broader social principles or concern for everyone who is kept down because of an accident of birth.
I am not saying she isn't aware of sexism and the problems that accompany it. She recognizes them and cares about them a bit, but not enough to really do anything about them. Her main problem with the patriarchy was always that it was unfair to HER because it kept her from inheriting the estate and the title. I don't really see how that makes her a more compassionate and caring person.
As for the Sybil/Edith thing, I don't think it's "beside the point" that she was caring with Sybil but is the opposite with Edith. Sybil was easy to love: everyone loved her. That is precisely an example of how far Mary's warm, compassionate, loving side goes. She loved one of her sisters but she treats the other like dirt. It balances out to "neutral" on the compassion scale.