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Here it is! I typed this all up last night, and haven't had time to read back through, so excuse the typos. Feel free to share elsewhere as long as you credit me.

(And Happy Thanksgiving!)

The Speckerman Recurrence

SCENE 1

Leonard and Sheldon in their apartment - Leonard at his desk on his computer, Sheldon in his spot. Penny knocks at the door, comes in with her laptop, and asks Leonard if Sheldon changed the wifi password again. Leonard says yeah, “Penny eats out food she can pay for wifi,” no spaces. Penny says to Sheldon, if you can’t stop me from eating your food, what makes you think you can stop me from using your wifi? (On one take, Kaley said “stop me from eating your wifi.” Jim looked up quickly, amused and confused, and Johnny turned to face Kaley with a big grin, and she started dancing around. And Kaley said something about how it just felt natural.) Sheldon says that he hasn’t given up hope that she can change, like he got her to stop saying “Valentime’s Day.”

Leonard asks Penny if she wants to hear something weird. Penny says sure. Sheldon pipes up that in the year 2000, the Pope was made an honorary member of the Harlem Globetrotters. Leonard asks Sheldon what he’s talking about. Sheldon says Leonard asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird, and she said yes. Leonard says that’s cause he has something weird to tell her. Sheldon says he thought it was a game.

Penny asks Leonard what his thing is. He says that this guy that used to torment him in high school, Jimmy Speckerman, sent him a message on face book - he’s in town, and wants to meet and get drinks. Sheldon says to Penny, if it was a game, which would you choose: An email from an old acquaintance, or the leader of one of the world’s largest religions slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown, then tells her to pick. Leonard tells her to choose, or Sheldon will never let it go. Penny says the basketball Pope. Sheldon happily says “that’s how it’s done.”

Penny asks Leonard what he’s going to do, and he says he doesn’t know. Sheldon asks if this was the bully that peed in his Hawaiian punch. Leonard says no, that was a different guy. Sheldon asks if it’s the one that gave him a wedgie so hard that one of his testicals reascended, and he had to wait all of Christmas break for it to come back down. Leonard says no, different different guy. Sheldon asks if it’s the one who used his head to open a nut. Leonard says no. Sheldon asks if it’s the one who made him eat his arm hair. Leonard says no, but that was this guy’s sister. Penny asks Leonard what he thinks the guy wants, and he doesn’t know. Sheldon says the holidays are coming up, maybe he wants to give him another wedgie and get the other testical lodged up there. Leonard repeats that that was a different guy. Penny says too bad, he could have spent New Years waiting for the ball to drop.

The guy who plays the music for the audience between takes was having technical difficulties, so there wasn’t any music as things got started, and I heard Kaley say that she missed it. When he finally got it going, Kaley and Johnny were both really happy, and Johnny threw his arms up in celebration.

And after they ran the scene a couple times, they went through again for pickups, just getting a few lines, then jumping ahead and getting a few more lines later. At the end of one pickup, the director yelled to hold in the middle of one of Johnny’s lines, and Johnny sort of kept talking through it, then exclaimed, “I was talking!” And a few seconds later, clarified he was kidding (though it wasn’t really needed).

SCENE 2

Still in their apartment, later that night. Sheldon’s on his laptop in his spot, and Leonard walks in and says it’s 2 am, and asks Sheldon why he’s up. Sheldon says that he’s streaming the Nobel Prize ceremony. Leonard says sure, he’s got to see what all the scientists are wearing this year. Sheldon says that these men have won the highest scientific prize, and yet their knowledge of the quantum underpinnings of the early expansion of the universe is no more than what God gave a goose. He tells Leonard to pay attention, cause that might be him some day. Leonard thanks him.

Sheldon asks why Leonard’s up, and asks if he ate a bad clam. Leonard says he didn’t eat any clams. Sheldon says he doesn’t watch Leonard 24/7, how is he supposed to know? Leonard says he’s still thinking about Jimmy Speckerman, and he can’t decide whether or not to meet him. He says the last time they ran into each other, Leonard had to use his shoelaces to floss his teeth. Sheldon tells him to wear loafers. (On one take they stopped Johnny after the shoelace line and went back a bit, and Johnny asked, almost like a little kid, “Did I do something wrong?” And then after a few seconds, asked normally, “No really, did I do something wrong?” If he did mess it up on that take, it was small enough I didn’t notice. But then when they did it again, he flubbed it a little, and said then, “That time I did.”)

Sheldon’s still watching the stream, and points out how Saul something is clutching his trophy, and asks through the screen, “What’s the matter, Saul? Worried someone is going to steal your trophy like you stole Einstein’s ideas?” Leonard says that he’s tired of being afraid, and he’s going to meet Jimmy and say all the things he should have said in high school - “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size? No, you did not have sex with my mother. And yes, I do know why I’m hitting myself!” Sheldon says that Saul is now shaking hands with the king, and tells the king to check for his watch, cause Saul might have lifted it.

SCENE 3

Penny and the girls are in her bedroom. (They used the same new bedroom set from 21 Second Excitation.) Bernadette comes out of the bathroom wearing Penny’s clothes, and says this is a cute dress, why doesn’t Penny wear it more often? Penny says cause on her, it’s a top.

Penny asks where Howard is tonight, and Bernadette says he and the other guys went with Leonard to face his old bully. Penny says it’s like the football quarterback vs. four mathletes. Amy says she’d love to test Leonard’s serotonin levels when he gets back, and asks Penny if she thinks he’d let her take a blood sample. Penny says that he doesn’t like needles, but if you take him jogging, it’ll flow right out of his nose.

Bernadette says she doesn’t think she could face her old bully. She says one time, the girl took all her clothes from her gym locker, and left an elf costume instead. Penny says that’s horrible. Bernadette says that the worst part was that it was too small. Amy says you think that’s bad, when she was in ninth grade, the other girls put Rogaine in her hand lotion. In six months the nicknames started - the one that hurt the most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.

Bernadette asks Penny if she has any stories. Penny says everyone must have been nice at her school, they didn’t really have any bullies. Amy asks really, no one called each other names, or was mean, or put gum in your fingers so the school nurse had to get it out with peanut butter? Penny says no, but they did pull pranks on each other all the time. Like there was one girl who got really good grades all the time, so they tied her up and blindfolded her, and left her overnight in the corn field.

Bernadette says that sounds terrible. Penny says no, everyone laughed about it. Amy asks, even the girl? Penny says she thinks so, but it was hard to tell, cause she had an ear of corn in her mouth. Amy says who’d have thought - the little bright girl who had to put lady something (forgot what exactly) on her fingers is now best friends with a bully. On the second take, changed to little Furry Fingers Fowler now best friends with a bully. Penny says she wasn’t a bully. Bernadette says that sounds like bullying to her… or a felony. Amy tells Bernadette careful, that’s how you end up in a cornfield, then they both smile at Penny.

SCENE 4 (PRE-TAPED)

(Given that this scene was fairly long, and we only saw it once… I know there’s a lot I’m forgetting, or details I’m getting wrong. But here’s the gist of it.) The guys are at a bar (the same one Leonard and Penny went to a couple episodes ago). Raj points and asks Leonard, is that your bully? Leonard says no. Raj asks about a different guy. No. He asks about another guy, and says he looks like he would punch Leonard. Still no. Someone says something about being there to support Leonard, and he says please, they’re just there to see if he gets his underwear pulled over his head. Howard laughs and says, “You wore underwear? You fool.”

Someone asks Leonard if he figured out what he’s going to say to Jimmy, and Leonard says he’s going to make him apologize for everything he did to him in high school, and he made a list. Raj looks at the list, and asks what a word is. Leonard says “staple.” Raj asks about another word - “scrotum.”

When Jimmy shows up he’s friendly, and hugs Leonard. He says something about look at little Leonard, and how he used to fit into the smallest places back in high school, and asks “how’d you get yourself in that backpack?” Leonard says well, he had help with that. Jimmy says they were like a comedy team back then, and Howard tells Raj yeah, like the black plague and England.

Jimmy says he heard that Leonard’s a big successful scientist now, and Sheldon says oh, there’s the first zinger of the night. Leonard says he does all right. Jimmy says he read that Leonard’s a physicist for a university, and he won some medal. Leonard says yeah, the Something Medal. Jimmy says it sounded like a pretty big deal when he read about it, which Sheldon takes as sarcasm, still thinking Jimmy’s poking fun at Leonard, since Sheldon doesn’t think the medal is anything to be proud of. Raj tells Sheldon “I won that medal too.”

Leonard asks Jimmy why he wanted to meet. Jimmy says he’s got an idea, but he needs a gear head to help him with it. Sheldon says that Howard’s actually the gear head of their group. Jimmy explains his idea - glasses that make any movie you’re watching 3D. The guys think that sounds cool, and Raj says the first movie he’d watch would be Annie. Someone asks him how they’d work, and he says he doesn’t know, that’s what Leonard’s for. Leonard says he doesn’t think that’d be possible. Jimmy says that Leonard’s the smartest guy he’s ever known, if anyone he could figure it out.

Sheldon again thinks he’s poking fun, and goes into a rant about Jimmy tormenting Leonard, and shows him the list that Leonard made. Jimmy asks what a word is - it’s Nancy. Leonard reminds him how he called him Nancy for three years. Sheldon tells Leonard he might want to consider improving his penmanship. Jimmy tells Leonard he thought they were just having fun. Leonard says that it wasn’t fun for him, and he and the guys end up leaving.

SCENE 5

Back in Penny’s room. Penny’s on the phone, “I’m sorry I made fun of your stutter in high school.” Bernadette tells her she’s doing great, and Amy gives her a thumbs up. Penny listens as the person on the phone talks, “Uh-huh… yeah…” then she drops the phone from her ear and says impatiently, “Just finish the sentence!” Back to the phone, “Well I’m really sorry you feel that way.” She hangs up, and says that no one will accept her apology.

Amy tells her the problem is she’s doing it over the phone - if they could see her eyes, they’d melt. Bernadette tells her that the stuff she did in the past doesn’t matter, she’s a good person now. Penny says that’s easy for her to say, she wasn’t just called a b-b-b-b-bitch. Amy says that maybe Penny could “assuage your guilt with altruism.” Penny opens her mouth to respond, but hesitates. (On the last take, Penny blinked rapidly instead.) Amy asks what’s throwing her, “assuage or altruism?” Penny says both.

Bernadette tells her she’ll feel better if she does nice things for other people. Penny happily says she knew that! Amy says she knew Penny had it in her. Bernadette says that she volunteers in a soup kitchen every other week. Penny says no, if she stands over steam, her hair just goes boing! Amy suggests Habitat for Humanity. Penny says she doesn’t have her own house, she’s not going to build one for someone else. Amy suggests donating some of her clothes. Penny says that’s great, she has too many clothes she never wears, and then she buys new clothes and doesn’t have room for them, this would solve all of her problems. Bernadette asks, and helping people? And Penny says yes, and helping people!

SCENE 6

They only did this scene once… The guys are at Leonard and Sheldon’s. Leonard hands Sheldon his cup of coco. Sheldon asks if Leonard made it with half and half. Yes. Heated to 183 degrees? Yes. Eight mini marshmallows, no more, no less? Leonard counts, and says one for luck. As Leonard goes to answer a knock at the door, Sheldon says “one for luck, that must be how they do math at Princeton.”

Jimmy’s at the door, a little drunk, and tells Leonard he wanted to apologize, for stapling his balls together, and something else, and then he asks what a word on the list is. Leonard looks, and says laxative. Jimmy laughs a little, and says oh right, jr. prom, but then sobers up and says “not cool, man.” Jimmy says he really is sorry, and sounds it, and Leonard accepts it, and thanks him. Jimmy turns to leave, but Leonard asks if he’s okay to drive. Jimmy says sure, he drives better drunk, it makes you pay more attention.

Leonard tells him to come in instead, and Jimmy does. Leonard says, you remember Sheldon, Raj, and Howard, but Jimmy says no, not really. Jimmy says to Leonard, look at us, I was the big guy in high school, and now you’re the successful one. Jimmy asks where the bathroom is, Leonard tells him. When Jimmy’s gone, I think Sheldon says something negative about Leonard letting him stay, and Leonard asks what he was supposed to do. Sheldon says take his keys and let him wander the streets with the other drunks.

Howard’s impressed that Leonard actually got his old bully to apologize. Sheldon says that it’d be nice if as a meaningful gesture to all other bullies, they could open their home to Jimmy, and once he’s asleep, kill him. The guys stare at him, and Sheldon says, “I said it’d be nice, not that we should do it.”

SCENE 7 (PRE-TAPED)

The girls are carrying baskets of clothes to a drop-off point. Penny says she feels like Mother Theresa, except for the virgin thing, that ship sailed a long time ago. Penny opens up the container to put her clothes in, but she picks up a pair of jeans, and says look what someone threw away! Bernadette says it was donated, for the needy. Penny says yes, like a needy waitress who likes boot cut jeans. And Penny pulls out a sweater, and says it’d go great with the jeans. Amy starts to object, but then admits it’s a cute sweater. And then I think there was a little more to the scene that I forgot.

SCENE 8

Next morning. Jimmy’s passed out asleep on the couch. Sheldon walks in, looks at him, then goes to meet Leonard in the kitchen and says, “For reference, if this ever comes up again, this is an imposition.” Leonard says he needed a place to sleep it off. Sheldon says that Leonard’s soft, the word will chew him up and spit him out.

Jimmy burps, and wakes up and asks when he had tacos. Leonard tells Jimmy good morning. Sheldon waves his hand in front of his face, and says to himself, “there’s the tacos.” Jimmy stands and walks over to them, saying “boy did I put it on.” Leonard says yeah, he did, then says it was good to see him, and thanks him again for his apology. Jimmy takes Leonard’s French toast, and asks what apology. Leonard says his apology for all the crap he did to him in high school… and that’s his French toast. Jimmy asks, you’re still on about that, you puss? Sheldon tells Leonard that he used the word soft, because he’s Leonard’s friend. Jimmy says the French toast is good, “you really know your way around the kitchen, Nancy,” and takes it back to the couch.

Sheldon says, “I won’t say I told you so, but we could have killed him.” Leonard says, “I might kill him now,” and walks towards Jimmy. Sheldon says, “The Dark Knight is behind you. He’s scared, but he’s behind you.” (Somewhere earlier in the episode, I think Sheldon also referred to himself as the Dark Knight. Maybe sometime in the bar?)

Leonard tells Jimmy that it’s time for him to go. Jimmy says after he finishes the French toast. Leonard takes the plate and sets it aside, and says no, “I want you out of my apartment, now.” Jimmy stands and asks, or what? Sheldon tells Leonard to not answer that, it’s a trick question, he knows from experience. Leonard tells Jimmy that he’s not afraid of him anymore, and tells him again to get out and shoves him. On the first take, Jimmy fell back on the couch. Then it was changed so Leonard’s shove barely affected Jimmy, and Leonard said “uh-oh.”

Cut to Leonard and Sheldon running down the stairs. Sheldon says, you did it! You stood up to him! Leonard says he knows, it feels pretty great. Next flight, Leonard asks if Sheldon thinks they can outrun him. Sheldon says, “I don’t need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you.”

Originally they tried to do it all on one floor, but with the audience laughter it didn’t fit, so then it was split to the two floors.

SCENE 9 (PRE-TAPED)

Another night, the girls revisiting the clothes drop off point. Amy opens and looks in, and tells Penny she was right, it’s a fresh new batch! Bernadette’s still not comfortable with this, but Amy pulls out suede boots and hands them to Bernadette, they’re her size. Bernadette says, “They’re cute, why do they have to be cute?”

Penny suddenly stops them. Amy asks what, is it the fuzz? Penny asks what they’re doing. Amy says she was following Penny down a life of crime that would eventually lead to sharing a jail cell; she doesn’t know what Bernadette’s doing. Penny says this is wrong, and they should put everything back. So they do, and walk away, but then Bernadette runs back to grab the boots, and yells something about how she feeds soup to homeless people.