Ron_Beckett

Don't add me or anything I just had a question/comment thing and I don't really know where to place this but given the subject I'm about to bring up I guess I kind of need help.

This isn't easy for me to discuss. It's something that I don't discuss to anyone. Not my close friends, certainly not my family, and not even my therapist. Just the idea of bringing it up here is hard for me to do but I don't know where else to go.

My entire life I've always questioned my own sexuality. I grew up as a tomboy. Once I was old enough to decide my own clothing choices it was pretty much **** the skirts and dresses. I'm a more t-shirts and jeans kind of girl.

I've always considered myself to be straight but there have been multiple times when I have kind of felt drawn to the same sex (ie girls). I didn't have a boyfriend until my senior year of high school and in that retrospect I always felt there was something wrong with me. My earliest date was just a one night dance in the 8th grade with this guy I liked. But the problem for me is that when it comes to guys the feelings can easily be turned on or off.

There have been times, a lot of times when I find myself draw n to guy clothes because I just find them to be more comfortable (and then add low self esteem issues to the mix and I hate girl clothes even more). My mom and sis always find me in the guy clothes and I always have this longing but them (and even my dad at times) always say, "Remember you're a girl". I find that to be bull because I didn't ask to be. If it had been my way I would've been a girl without the mess of things.

And then there are the matter of girl crushes that I sometimes get. When it seems to be something more than simple like or admiration.

I've had these thoughts my whole life and all that time I've tried to deny them and pretend they don't exist or that it doesn't matter. I should just be me whoever that is. And a lot of times these kind of thoughts scare me. I all ready have enough issues on my plate to deal with and I honestly don't want this to be one of them.

I have nothing against G's or L's, I honestly don't. I just wish I could stop these thoughts and be 100% certain that I'm straight but I can't even admit to that because sometimes the thoughts just run too deep. It scares the **** out of me.

I don't know what I am and to not know that basic foundation- how does a person really live with themself when they don't know who they are?