ENGINEERING:
B’Elanna had just finished the last of the minor repairs from their little trip through the nexus point. She looked up from her console to see Chakotay, and he was frowning at her. “The Captian woke up I take it?” She asked even though she didn’t need to from the expression on his face.
“Oh, yeah, and she was pissed too.” Chakotay crossed his arms over his chest leaning back against the work station B’Elanna occupied. “You know, you could have told me you were planning to sedate and kidnap her.”
“Well, if I had told you, you would have said ‘No.’” B’Elanna shrugged.
“Of course I would have said no!” Chakotay raised his voice, his male ego still wounded over Kathryn throwing him across the room like he weighed nothing at all.
“She’s here now,” B’Elanna shrugged moving around Chakotay to finale the last of the repairs. “What’s the big deal?”
“Big deal? Hmmm, let’s see….” Chakotay remarked sarcastically, “She just threw me across the ready room as if I was a rag doll.”
B’Elanna stopped what she was doing to look at her oldest friend, the man, at one time she thought she loved, “She did that huh?” She asked trying not to give away that she knew why Kathryn had done that.
“Oh yeah, I’m going to have the bruises to prove it,” Chakotay replied scrutinizing B’Elanna. There was little the half Klingon could hide from him. “And her eyes were this brilliant glowing crimson.”
“You don’t say?” B’Elanna replied going back to the illusion that she was working. “Could have been something she was wearing,” She posed hoping to throw him off.
“Kathryn is wearing the sweater I gave her for birthday right before she got herself assimilated.” Chakotay stepped in front of his best friend. “You know what’s happening with her don’t you?”
“I can’t tell you, even if I did know.” B’Elanna lied casually even though she knew that Chakotay would catch on. She never could lie to him.
Chakotay heaved a sigh, "Will you at least tell me what I can do to fix things between us. I want to make it right."
Janeway stood right around the corner, and with her heightened wolf hearing she heard what Chakotay had said to B’Elanna. So, he really wanted to fix things. Kathryn wasn’t sure she wanted to things to be alright with them, not yet anyway. Right now, she had to concentrate on calling back her wolf nature, trying to be human; frail and fragile. The wolf in her growled, it didn’t like the thoughts racing through her head. It grated on her nerves a little that she had to hide. She was an Alpha. She shouldn’t have to hide from anyone. Moving from the shadows silently she made herself known, “B’Elanna?”
Torres looked over Chakotay’s shoulder to see Janeway standing there in the same clothes that she had been in at her house. “Captain, what can I do for you?” She asked noting her tongue still formed the rank of Captain in regards to Kathryn rather than using her name that she had used for close to five years.
For a moment she ignored the shocked look in Chakotay’s eyes as she addressed B’Elanna, “I was wondering if you could have a look at the lighting in the crew quarters on deck five section twenty-two alpha.” Surprise radiated from both Torres and Chakotay. She knew what her former Klingon engineer had tried to do. “They keep flickering and it’s quite distracting.” She continued, making sure to keep her tone light, to make sure she gave nothing away. To Chakotay she was a human; a woman. Kathryn had to keep up the pretense until she was ready for him to know the truth. Though, she wasn’t sure if that time would ever come.
“You should take the Captain’s Cabin,” Chakotay said in a rush. He almost expected her to take them the moment she woke up, but then again they were too busy arguing for the subject to come up. “They were yours far longer than they were mine.” He added in a lower tone.
Kathryn shook her head, “No, they belong to you. You’re the Captain.” She said calmly, with no hint of emotion. “I’m a civilian now. Crew quarters will suit me perfectly.” Inside she wanted Chakotay to know how proud she was of him, how elated she was that Voyager was his ship. He truly had earned this command. To B’Elanna she asked, “Can you spare a few minutes?” This time her voice was softer, friendlier, and Kathryn didn’t miss the hint of hurt coming from Chakotay even though his face remained passive.
“For you,” B’Elanna joked, “I can spare the rest of the shift.” She chuckled looking at Chakotay, “That is, if it’s ok with my Captain.” Her tone was light, teasing, something Chakotay would recognize from when they had been Maquis. It was a tone he knew not to refuse.
“I know better than to get between two women,” Chakotay held up his hands, putting on a smile for the benefit of the crew who had started to watch them. He needed to act as if things between him and Kathryn were normal. It was what the crew was used to, and he was going to give it to them; normal.
Once out of Engineering, once they were in the turbo lift Kathryn breathed out the breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding as she walked away from Chakotay. “That was awkward in the sense that it wasn’t awkward.” Kathryn muttered.
“You heard him didn’t you?” B’Elanna asked and touched a key on the wall panel that would bring the lift to a stop. “He wants to try, he really does.” She said knowing how badly Chakotay was hurting, but at the same time knew how deeply Kathryn was hurting from all of this as well. “I’m not saying you have to give him the time of day, but…”
Kathryn turned to B’Elanna knowing that her first loyalty was to Chakotay, the man who gave her angry life purpose in the Maquis. “You want me to let him try?” she asked. It was what she wanted. Kathryn wanted Chakotay to want her again. It had been a blow to her ego to know that he was like every other man for being with the young blonde. She had been hurt and angry and furious.
“I have no right to ask, but I’m your friend and I’m also his friend….” B’Elanna dropped off. “I know that you can’t be with him without him knowing who you really are first.”
“Ok…” Kathryn sighed. “After hearing what he said, hearing the way his heart never wavered as he spoke, I was going to give him the chance.” She answered.
B’Elanna nodded feeling her emotions rising. Motherhood had destroyed her emotional distance. “It still amazes me how you were able to hide what you were for so long.” She commented. That was the one thing about Janeway she could never work out. How could she have done that for so long?
Kathryn felt that her young Klingon friend deserved a little truth. “It was never easy. I grew up knowing that I didn’t have to hide what I was when I was home. Then being lost out in the Delta Quadrant gave me a glimpse of what it was like to be human. Traveling at warp speed there is no full moon to remind me of the power flowing through my veins. I was completely human, until those times when were on planets where that wasn’t an option.”
“When you and Chakotay were on that planet….?” B’Elanna wasn’t sure where to take that question.
“Yeah, that was the hardest, the most wonderful, and the most dangerous time of my life.” Kathryn answered. “I truly don’t know how he would react to me being… Alpha.” She used her status rather than her species.
“Well, you were the Captain,” B’Elanna chuckled. “That’s sort of the same thing.” She couldn’t help laughing lightly and started to laugh harder when Kathryn joined in.
“He definitely took to me being Captain.” Kathryn joked in response. She could still hear Chakotay asking her if she would have served under him had their roles been reversed. At that moment, she hadn’t answered him, but now she was going to see what it was like. Then she sobered, “But this, what I am, is different….”
“Captain, he loves you,” B’Elanna grew serious as well. “Everyone knows it.”
“Then why did he pick her?” Kathryn asked quietly.
MORNING:
MESS HALL
Kathryn was unnerved at how easily she fell back into the routine of life on Voyager. She was up at 0600, showered, had a cup of coffee, and just as she was about to reach for her uniform she stopped. Not this time. Kathryn removed a pair of dark blue leggings from her bag, a black pair of flat shoes, and an emerald green oversized button up shirt. She dressed, and before she could stop herself she pulled on the long sweater that Chakotay had given her. This was the one thing she wouldn’t be without. It carried his scent from a time when she was certain of his love for her. Satisfied with how she looked, Kathryn left her quarters and made for the mess hall. She walked through the corridors of Voyager, her ship, the home she had called her own for seven years. She could still see the battles that had been fought, the damage inflicted, and she could still remember the crew that had died while under her command. Running on memories she walked into the Mess Hall before she knew it. All eyes fixed on her.
Chakotay looked up at the same time his crew did to see Kathryn walking in. For a moment she looked to be ‘The Captain’ again, and then that light in her eyes vanished when she realized everyone was staring at her. He knew what his crew expected next. So, Chakotay go up and walked to her. “Good morning.” He smiled that smile he knew would get under the armor she had around her. When he had gone to bed the previous night he had dreamed of none else but her. Kathryn consumed his every waking thought that didn’t pertain to ships business. Chakotay knew that he had so much to make up for, but first he wanted to get them back to that sense of ease they had had for years. He knew he missed that more than anything and he wanted it back. “I hope you slept well down on deck five.” Chakotay smiled again breaking out all of his charm.
“I slept fine,” Kathryn said in a neutral tone, “Captain.” She added to show respect for his rank. Just because she told B’Elanna that she was going to give Chakotay the chance he wanted to make things right didn’t mean she had to make it easy for him. If he really wanted to make amends then he would try despite her icy responses. In his eyes she saw a flash of hurt cross his dark depths. It pushed her to ask quietly, “What do you want from me?”
In the same hushed tone because he knew all eyes were upon them, Chakotay responded, “Say you forgive me.” He knew he would have to work harder to earn the forgiveness he sought from her, but he wanted her to know that was what he wanted. He wanted to make things right, to make up for all that she believed he had done.
“It’s going to take more than a few smiles for me to forgive you,” Kathryn replied and then asked, “Why aren’t you still angry at me for all those things I said?” She asked knowing that she wasn’t talking about yesterday, but for years ago when they had the biggest argument ever in her Admiral’s office at Starfleet HQ.
“Because…” Chakotay sighed, “I realized that I brought argument on myself.” He answered. “You were trying to tell me that you through waiting because I…”
“You chose her.” Kathryn snarled suddenly uninterested in having breakfast. “If you’ll excuse me… Captain,” She turned and left the mess hall to go to the last place he would expect her to flee to; Astrometrics.
Chakotay watched her leave kicking himself on the inside for letting things turn so drastically. “Damn her…” he wasn’t sure if he was cursing Seven or Kathryn or both at the same time. If he had the luxury to go after her he would, but right now he had to be on the bridge in the Captain’s chair and starting the search for Naomi, a child they all helped to raise.
An hour later Kathryn had forgotten all about her confrontation with Chakotay in the mess hall as she had thrown herself into work, working on her third cup of coffee, and analyzing sensor data. She was stretched out on the upper level, her ankles crossed, and the data padd held above her. Kathryn scanned every possible shipping lane, and a few she remembered that were hidden routes Seven had showed her to try and find a usable ion trail. So far, she had found nothing. Setting the data padd aside, Kathryn stared at the Astrometrics screen as she rested her hands on her abdomen. On the giant display screen the computer had identified several ion trails, but none of them belonged to Federation ships. “Ok,” Kathryn muttered, “She would be in a modified runabout, specifications matching the Delta Flyer.” She sat up, putting her hands, palm down, behind her to change her view of the data streaming before her. “Computer scan for a modulated warp field disguised as background radiation.” Kathryn ordered the computer. Behind her the doors whooshed open, and from the scent she knew it was her very own young ensign Harry Kim. “Hello Harry.” Kathryn turned around with a smile.
“Captain,” Harry smiled. “It’s good to see you here.” He said walking up to stand before her. To his eyes, she had barely aged a day since their time on Voyager. “I missed seeing you every day.” He admitted despite all the times they had had reunions at the Captains house, or when they had all been together for the funeral that had forced Janeway to resign her Admiral’s rank.
“Oh, Harry,” Kathryn rested her hands on Kim’s shoulders. “I miss being your Captain.” She smiled, “But I am so proud of you making Lt. Commander.” Kathryn had always felt protective of the young ensign that had come aboard Voyager on his first deep space mission, only to end up 70,000 light years from home where he flourished into a man. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there when you were promoted.” She apologized.
Harry shook his head, “No, you with your family where you needed to be.” He replied.
“Yes,” A stab of pain lanced through her heart. “But, you’re part of my family too.” She smiled through the sorrow trying to take over. One of the reasons she had risen to the status of Alpha was the way she had fought tooth and nail to protect her crew. She had risen on the strength of her character alone. “While you’re here,” Kathryn wanted to change the subject, “Do you mind helping me?”
“Of course,” Harry smiled, falling back into the role of eager Ensign.
Kathryn nodded and then turned back to the screen just as the computer highlighted one single ion trail. “Gotcha.” She muttered. “Now, to figure out where she’s going.” Moving from the upper level, she breezed by harry, and back down to the main work console. “Computer, chart a course using the ion trail to find the shuttles destination.”
“So, you don’t know why she left in the middle of the night?” Harry asked unsure if word had reached the former Captain. But from the look she was giving him, he guessed no one had told her.
“Harry, what happened?” Kathryn asked letting the computer work. The, because she was a glutton for punishment, or so some would claim, she asked, “Did her leaving have something to do with Chakotay?”
“No,” Harry answered truthfully. “They haven’t been together for a year.” He said not knowing what exactly she had been told. “I take it B’Elanna didn’t tell you. Most of us know she spends a lot of time with you are your mother’s house.”
“You don’t say,” Kathryn ignored the comment about B’Elanna living with her, because it was true. Tom, B’Elanna, and Miral lived in the spacious farm house with her. The moment Torres had found out about her, it was right after her mother’s death, that Kathryn had made the offer. Miral would have other kids to play with from the pack family, kids Miral wouldn’t have to worry about being gentle with because of her Klingon strength. “It must have slipped her mind. Do you know why they stopped being together?”
“No, no one does.” Harry answered. Then, he suggested, “You could ask him.”
Kathryn shook her head, “No, it’s none of my business, not really.” She had to look away when Harry gave her a look that said he didn’t believe her. Another subject change was in order. “When you have time, talk to the Doctor about activating Seven's Optical implant. Maybe we can see what she see’s to help us find her.”
“That’s brilliant.” Harry marveled.
“No, it’s a leap. We don’t know where she is or how far away she is.” Kathryn could kick herself for that. Seven had a head start because she felt the need to nurse her wounded pride. “Hopefully we’ll get lucky.” Kathryn added. “I’ll stay here…”
“Tonight, if you want, we were going to boot up the old Sandrine program.” Harry offered. “I still owe you a game.” He enticed eager for those long forgotten times when they could be a family, a crew; when they could be people on the holodeck having fun where rank wasn’t an issue.
Kathryn had the thought to decline, but she longed to reconnect with her crew, to be with her family; the people she felt most protective over. “Ok, I’d like that, and I will wipe the floor with you.” She joked remembering the last time she and the former Ensign had played pool together in Sandrine’s.
Harry laughed heading to the door, “I don’t know Captain, I think I’ve gotten better since last we played,” Then he was heading back to the bridge to report to his current Captain. The last thing he heard was his former Captain, and friend, laughing. He could imagine her shaking her head.
Another few hours slipped by before Kathryn’s gnawing hunger forced her from the Astrometrics Lab and back to the Mess Hall. This time she was thankful hardly any one was there, even for a skeleton crew Chakotay had assembled. Walking to the nearest replicator she ordered the juiciest roast beef sandwich she could get from a replicator and then took a seat under the view port to watch the stars streaming by as she ate. As much as she hated to admit it, Kathryn missed the stars from this quadrant. In unguarded moments between her and Chakotay, enclosed in the safety of her quarters, they would pick a star and name it, and then he would make up a story that would have her in peals of laughter. Kathryn missed those moments the most.
“You shouldn’t eat like a Klingon,” Tom joked sitting down with Kathryn, “People might start to talk.” He, along with his wife, knew what the Captain truly was. Tom had taken the news in stride after all the strange things he had seen in the Delta Quadrant. Finding out that his former Captain was a werewolf wasn’t out of the realm. Of course, at one time, he had been a lizard. So, who was he to judge?
Kathryn looked at her friend, “I wouldn’t have to if hadn’t skipped breakfast.” She commented and then wished she could call those words back.
“I heard.” Tom teased. “Everyone is practically buzzing about the confrontation between you and the Captain.”
“Everyone?” Kathryn asked in the same teasing tone. “There are 30 people on this ship including you and me.” She pointed out.
“Still,” Tom scrunched up his forehead. Then in a hushed tone he asked, “Have you told him yet?”
Kathryn rolled her eyes. “How can I tell him?” She sighed and looked at the only other person from her former crew that knew her secret. “What if…?” Chakotay had seen her as one person, but how would he react to find her as someone completely different?
“He doesn’t accept you as you are over who he thinks you are?” Tom asked knowing her fear. It was the same fear that B’Elanna held because of her hybrid nature, half human and half Klingon. “You have to give him a chance.”
“I know, but when I see him, I see…” Kathryn wasn’t sure what she saw anymore. “I still feel the sting of betrayal.” It wasn’t so much the betrayal of a lover, but of what they were to each other. The moment she heard that Chakotay had taken up with Seven from her future self, a bitted old Admiral, Kathryn felt her heart break. The pain of that knowledge never really left her.
Tom reached across the table and placed his hand over hers; a compassionate gesture. “I know,” He consoled. “But, you have to let go of it some time.” Tom patted the back of her hand and then added. “Maybe, it’s time you…” He stopped when Kathryn glared at him, her eyes going that glowing crimson. That was a signal to him to stop talking. “Ok, I’ll see you later.” He got up from his chair and hurried out of the Mess Hall. There would be some scheming going on between him and B’Elanna and Harry tonight.
HOLODECK:
SANDRINE’S
Kathryn had changed from her emerald button up shirt, to a black v-neck polo shirt that blended with her navey blue leggings. She removed her flat shoes and pulled on her knee high black boots, and then slipped into a light weight brown leather jacket. Waking into Sandrine’s, Kathryn smiled at the smoky, familiar atmosphere of the little dive bar in Paris that had housed Paris during his misspent youth. For a moment, she took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of everyone gathered. She was reminded of home, this ship, and the people. Then one scent caught her attention; Chakotay. He was here. She had the split second to turn and walk out, but Tom was right. She had to move past the anger and the betrayal, even though she had denied him the chance to voice such thoughts with a look from her alpha eyes.
Chakotay had sensed Kathryn the moment she walked in. His head turned to see her standing by the coat rack. For a moment, when she saw him, he thought she was going to leave. To his surprise, she stayed. She removed her jacket and placed it on the nearest hook. Kathryn looked amazing, as often she had many nights when they had been on the holodeck together. She wore one of her smiles that had the power to make him weak in the knees. Her lopsided grin graced her lips, and a playful light lit her gleaming blue eyes. Something had changed in her from that morning. The anger he had seen, seemed to have vanished. Or maybe he was seeing what he wanted to see. More than anything he wanted his Kathryn back. He wanted the woman who would smile at him with ease, the woman who would place her hand on his shoulder while he thumb rubbed back and forth. More than anything he wanted to see her free of the agony he had caused her.
Kathryn hadn’t wanted to admit it, but she had missed this dive bar. It was nice and quant and comfortable. She moved through the people, strolled by the pool table where she would show Harry a humiliating defeat later on, and continued until she stopped in front of Chakotay. She wanted him to remember what it was like when she looked at him without the agony in her eyes. She wanted him to see the woman he thought she was. Tomorrow, she would have to show him the monster that lurked beneath. Kathryn had made up her mind to reveal herself to him, the timing had never been right. Tonight was more about letting go of who she had been with him, letting him have one final night with his Kathryn before the cold light of morning showed him who she really was. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Chakotay responded, his head spinning with the look he was getting from Kathryn. He didn’t dare ask if she had forgiven him for fear of her answer, for fear of breaking her good mood. “I’m glad you’re here.” He added wanting to reach out, to offer her his arm. There were too many unknowns for them right now, too many questions.
Kathryn leaned in, whispering, “I want to talk.” She locked her eyes with him and he nodded. Chakotay set aside his drink, took her hand, and pulled her through the crowd, to the stairs that would take them to a second level. She followed him willingly knowing that she could never stay mad at him. It took so much effort to keep up the anger. She was tired of it already. When they stepped out to the balcony that over looked the back alley, Kathryn perched on the railing not quite sure how she should begin. “You know, I’ve thought about this conversation so many times…”
“How about I start by saying what a total idiot I was, and still am apparently.” Chakotay sat across from her trying not to want to take her hands in his. Before she had accused him of running and she had been right. Something he had sensed about her had made him pull back from her, made him try and put distance between the heartache of knowing that they could not be together in the way he wanted. “You accused me of running away and you were right.” He admitted to her. “I’m not running anymore. When you were yelling at me in your office a couple of years ago, I deserved it all.”
“When my mother… when she…. Uhhh…” Kathryn had to take a deep breath as sorrow choked her and tears threated to spill. “After, the only person I wanted was you. It didn’t matter that you were with Seven or that we weren’t as close as before, I knew I wanted you to wrap your arms around me, to hold me, and be my strength.” She reached out and took his hand. “When B’Elanna told me that you were gone, I didn’t know what I would do. I guess in that moment my pain turned to anger and disappointment.” Kathryn looked at him and before he could say anything, she continued. “I didn’t mean make you pull away from me…. I continued to push you away and I shouldn’t have.”
Chakotay slid closer to Kathryn, pulled her into his arms. “I never should have left you,” He repeated over and over. Their timing had never been good. The only time they had known any peace was when they were on that slice of paradise they named New Earth. Pulling back from her, Chakotay sat facing her once more and held up his left hand to her. He just waited. Kathryn’s hand touched his, their palms pressed together, and then thy laced their fingers together. “I never stopped….”
Kathryn cut him off, her index finger touching his lips. “Tell me tomorrow, when you know everything…. Tell me tomorrow.” She took a breath and then said, “I never stopped you from pulling away from me. I’m to blame too…” From down stairs music wafted up to them. The song was slow, it was romantic, and it had been a song they had danced to before. Taking her finger from his lips, Kathryn whispered, “Ask me to dance.”
Chakotay smiled that certain smile that he could only manage when Kathryn was near. His lips curved up in a real, from the bottom of his heart, smile at her. Rising from the edge of the balcony they were perched on, Chakotay held out his hand to her, and whispered, “Come dance with me.” Kathryn grinned at him in return, her beloved lopsided grin that had his breath catching in his lungs, as she took his hand gently and let him pull her up from her seat. He led her back down stairs, down to where the music grew louder, and to where people would see them returned to a united front. Chakotay slid his arm around her waist, pulled her close, and held her hand over his heart while her free arm draped over his shoulder, fingers tangling in the hair at the back of his head.
Kathryn allowed herself to enjoy this moment, to tuck her head up under Chakotay’s strong chin. She drew in his warmth, let it wrap around her heart, let it give her strength for what she was going to do next. When they left Sandrine’s she was going to destroy the person Chakotay knew her to be. She was going to tell him the truth, tell him who she really was. But until that happened, she was going to hold on to him, sway to the music with him, and let this moment last forever. Kathryn was mildly aware of the crew gathered on the edge of the space they used for dancing. They were all watching her and Chakotay dance together. She could sense the tension falling away, the sense of normalcy return. It almost broke her heart. Her people. Her crew. Her family. Her pack. She had come home and she was preparing to destroy the one man she loved more than anything. Pulling back from him, she fought the tears, and whispered, “Let’s leave.” In his eyes, Kathryn saw hope, and she could kick herself.
CAPTAIN’S CABIN:
Chakotay sat on the couch in Kathryn’s former quarters to watch the woman he loved pace nervously. “Kathryn,” He muttered rising from his spot to go to her, to pull her to a stop. She shrugged off his touch, moved further out of reach only to pace some more. When they left the holodeck, something had drastically changed between them. He felt like he had in the first days of their journey when he had been trying to figure her out, find common ground to work with her, and still be there for his Maquis crew. “Talk to me, tell me what’s happened.” Chakotay said in a voice barely above that of a whisper.
Kathryn stopped, took a deep breath, and kept the distance between them. “Do you remember how you felt the moment you learned that Seska,” She saw a flash of anger cross his eyes at the mention of her name, but she continued, “Wasn’t really Bajoran, but Cardassian?” Kathryn didn’t give him time to answer; she knew how he had felt. Betrayed. Here she was about to make him feel that again. “I’ve hidden parts of myself, tucked them away for so long that I nearly forgot about them, and for a while it felt good to be just human….”
“Kathryn I don’t understand…” Chakotay shook his head trying to make her words fit in his mind. She was trying to tell him something, but he wasn’t really comprehending what it was she was trying to tell him. “You’ve lost me.” He shrugged.
“I’ve lied to you….”Kathryn bit her lip stilling her words momentarily. “For years I let you see me as someone that I’m not….” Guilt tore at her forcing tears to rise once more in her eyes. “I’m not the person you’ve seen all these years.”
“Kathryn, I see you.” Chakotay stated, passion rising in his voice. “I have always seen you.” He stepped closer to her again, but like before, she took a step back. He held up his hands finally understanding that she needed the space and he was going to give it to her.
“Not the real me,” Kathryn shook her head, lowering her gaze. There was no way she could possibly explain to him what she was. No rational human mind would understand her words and take them as fact. She had no other recourse but to show him her true nature. The thought made her stomach roil with revulsion. After he saw her, she knew he would hate her. The dark of the cabin suddenly turned to shades of crimson as Kathryn let her gaze turn. Her eyes were glowing a fierce crimson, the power flowing through her that made her an Alpha. Then, as much as she hated to do this to him, she tilted her head up until she was looking at him.
Chakotay didn’t know what he should do at this moment. In the dark, in the starlight of his quarters, Kathryn’s eyes were not the gleaming blue he had looked into for so many years, but instead they were a powerful crimson that somehow suited her more. “Kathryn…? What…?” What could he say? What questions did he ask that would make him sound like a jerk or that he was rejecting her? He wasn’t sure? So, his simply breathed out, “How?’
Kathryn drew in Chakotay’s scent. She thought she would catch a whiff of disbelief, of rejection, but she sensed confusion. His mind was trying to make sense of what he was seeing. “I was born into a pack of… wolves.” The last word came out in a breath of air, barely enough to make the word have sound. She licked her lips before continuing on. “I’m what human’s call a werewolf.” She turned from him, or tried to if it hadn’t been for Chakotay’s hands suddenly upon her face.
“Show me more…” Chakotay whispered seeing the look of surprise in Kathrny’s eyes. “Did you expect me to reject you, to hate you?”
“Yes…”
“I could never hate you.”
Kathryn let the tears fall free as she let her wolf come forward. Her brow furrowed, ears and teeth elongated, and her nails grew to deadly claws. When she opened her eyes again, he was still staring at her in wonderment. The scent of his acceptance filled the room in a sweet smell that had Kathryn’s heart fluttered. She made sure to remain stock still for him to look her over, to understand this was no trick. Kathryn could see his movements in the dark, the way his hands touched her brow, she sighed when his fingers brushed aside her hair to trace the edges of her wolf ears….. then she shook her head realizing that she had allowed her mind to go farther than she meant to. Kahtryn turned around to see him still sitting on the couch. She hadn’t told him yet.
“Kathrny?” Chakotay was listening to Kathryn as she rambled. “What do you mean I haven’t see the real you?”
Tonight Kathryn had resolved to tell Chakotay what she was, but she couldn’t be certain of his reaction. She knew what she wanted it to be, but he was still human after all. Human’s tended not to trust things they couldn’t understand. Shaking her head, she headed for the door, “I can’t do this.” Before he could stop her, Kathryn made her escape. Going as fast as she could, she went to the cargo bay where Seven had spent most of her time. It was quiet there, the slight hum of the borg alcove’s would help to soothe her mind. Kathryn could kick herself for what she had been about to do. “I’m insane.” She chided herself.
“Captain?”
Turning, Kathryn saw B’Elanna, and sighed. “I couldn’t do it.” She said, her voice trembling with the weight of her guilty tears. “I couldn’t tell him…” Kathryn wrapped her arms around her torso and tried to keep the tears from falling.
B’Elanna moved to her friend and, unlike her with others, she pulled her former Captain into her arms to hug her. She could hug Kathryn as tightly as she wanted without the fear of cracking a rib or leaving bruises due to her Klingon strength. “Kathryn, you’ll tell him when you’re ready….” She soothed.
“I don’t want him to hate me.” Kathryn wrapped her arms around B’Elanna.
“He won’t hate you.” B’Elanna scoffed. “He’s been in love with you since practically that first moment he met you.”
“It’s not me, it’s an idea that he loves.” Kathryn pulled back. “How can I tell him the woman he’s known for years shouldn’t exist?” She threw her hands up in the air and stalked the short distance to the end of the corridor. Kathryn had no intention of fleeing. There were hardly enough crew to eavesdrop on them.
“That’s kind of like saying aliens shouldn’t exist.” B’Elanna countered. They had had this argument/discussion over the months when she had badgered Kathryn about telling Chakotay instead of letting the secret eat her alive.
“B’Elanna, there are aliens,” Kathryn put her hands on her hips and then continued, “And then there’s me,” Her voice took on a deadly growl. “I shouldn’t exist in any form in a rational universe. I can’t face him with this without knowing how he would take it.”
“But you can’t know his reaction until you tell him.” B’Elanna pointed out.
“I don’t want him to hate me.” Kathryn repeated with a heavy sigh.
“I could never hate you.” Chakotay moved around the corner to make his presence known to both women. Kathryn looked away from him. He could tell by her stance that she felt shame for whatever she had tried to tell him earlier.
“You say that now…” Kathryn took a deep breath and finally decided to get it over with. While her back was still to Chakotay, she let her body transform. At her sides, her fingers were tipped with deadly claws that could eviscerate anyone, humanoid or animal, her teeth elongated into vicious canines designed to rip meat from bone, and through the long tumble of her auburn lock her ears lengthened. Next, her brow furrowed and her eyes became a bright crimson. With great reluctance, Kathryn turned showing her second nature to the man she had taken to her heart so many years before. With the wolf’s voice, Kathryn growled, “Now tell me how you really feel.”
Chakotay was trying to understand what he was seeing. Kathryn had looked human, then she turned to him, showing another side; a side he had never suspected could exist inside of her. Her eyes held his, the pulsing crimson, the way they glowed. The first, natural, instinct was for him to back away, to run, but he made sure he stood his ground, to watch her, to take in every facet of her face. More than anything Chakotay wanted to speak, to say something, but he hadn’t the words to convey what he was feeling. He didn’t know how to feel at this moment. Confusion, betrayal, and anger would have been the normal emotions to feel, but he felt none of that. Not when it was Kathryn before him. Chakotay took a step towards her, but stopped when he heard her growl at him. It was a warning, one that he knew he wouldn’t heed. “Kathryn…” Chakotay’s voice shook.
Kathryn growled when Chakotay took a step towards her. Her intent was to turn from him, to hide what she was because she could sense his confusion; she could smell it on the air. The moment she started to move, he stopped her, his hands upon her face. Her mouth dropped open. Chakotay wasn’t running from her like she had feared he would. Perhaps she would have preferred him to run. She had thought out what she would do had he run from her. “You’re not running…” Her voice always took on a harsh gravely tone when she turned. He didn’t respond to her. Kathryn closed her eyes against the look on his face as his fingers roamed over her face. The pad of his index finger touched her bottom lip, traced along her jaw, over her cheek, and up to her forehead. He wasn’t accepting her yet, he wasn’t asking her how she was like this. He was only touching her.
“How can I run from you?” Chakotay asked dropping his hands from her face so he could take hers, so he could inspect the lethal claws she now had instead of nails. Now he knew what he wanted to feel; amazement. Kathryn was amazing. Through her fear she stood before him to reveal the truth of her being. Chakotay tried to catch Kathryn’s gaze, but she refused. “Look at me… please,” His voice was light, yet demanding. He wanted to look into her brilliant crimson eyes. She closed her eyes for a fraction of a second and then opened them, turning her gaze to look at him. He could see the rising panic, the urge to flee from him, but he wasn’t about to let her go. “I won’t run from you.” Chakotay promised.
Kathryn had been holding her breath, trying to keep from testing the air for the truth in his words. Only now, she wanted to know. She had to know. Drawing in a deep breath she couldn’t detect a lie, but neither did she smell that he accepted her. “But you don’t accept what I am.” She said, her heart breaking to breathe such words. “I don’t fit in your world…”
“Kathryn…” Chakotay started to say, but she backed away from him. He watched as her face shifted back into that of a human.
“No!” Kathryn shouted. “I don’t fit!” She had to calm down, to take a deep breath. She was an Alpha. Kathryn had more control than this. His arms came around her making her want to fight him off, to push him away, to make him know how it felt. Only, she didn’t. She stayed with him holding her, her body shaking from his touch.
“You fit with me.” Chakotay assured keeping her from fighting free of him. “You fit with me.” He repeated passionately tightening his hold on her. She slumped against him, shaking.
“I’m a wolf,” Kathryn turned in his hold, her hands going to his face, “And you’re a human.” To her ears, it sounded like a good-bye, and she could sense sorrow rising in Chakotay. To quell the ill feelings inside of him, she claimed his lips, claimed him like her wolf had demanded she do all those years ago when they first met. Kathryn slid her fingers back into his hair; the silky strands were used to anchor her mouth to his, to keep him close to her.
Chakotay let his arms lock around her waist pulling her in against him. She growled and he mirrored her as he fought to take control of the kiss. Her hands moved from the back of his head, slid down to his chest and shoved him into the nearest bulkhead where she followed him. Kathryn fused their mouths together once more, with her still in control. All Chakotay could do was be carried along on the tide of the rising passion that had been between them since the moment they met. He tried to turn the tables on her, tried to pin her to the familiar walls, but she would have none of it. Kathryn held him with supernatural strength as she continued to ravish his mouth, to claim his body after she already owned his heart.
Kathryn was trying not to get swept up in the moment, in the feel of Chakotay’s mouth against her, the taste of him, and the smell of his arousal. All of it only made her fall deeper into the pit of desire that she had tried to close. She had to stop, had to pull back, she had to let him go and make up his mind about her, about what she was. Breaking the seal of their lips Kathryn gasped, “I tried so hard not to notice you,” She turned her gaze up to his. “I tried not to see the way you looked at me….” He brought his hands up to cup her face, his thumbs stroking her cheeks. She knew the moment she’d met him that he would be the end of her senses. Chakotay was proud, he was strong, and he protected his people. He was an alpha in his own right. “I knew no matter what that you would break my heart.”
“I never wanted that to happen,” Chakotay replied kissing her forehead tenderly. “Your heart is the most precious part of you that I love so much.” He continued kissing her brow between each whispered word. “I love you.” Chakotay mumbled over and over hoping beyond hope that she would believe him. Deep inside him, to the very bottom of his soul, he felt a great aching love for Kathryn. It was the kind of love that hurt when he wasn’t with her. She was shaking, trembling out of fear of his words. He didn’t need to be like her to know that she was still afraid. Chakotay pulled back, drawing her gaze up to lock with his. “I’m not pulling away from you.”
“Chakotay…” Kathryn breathed his name out in a whisper like she used to when they were alone. There were a million things she needed to tell him, a million things he needed to ask her, but right now, all she wanted to tell him was that she loved him. When she opened her mouth to say the words they stuck in her throat. Fear gripped her. “I…” What if she told him and later he couldn’t deal with her being a werewolf? It was stupid, pointless even, she knew that, but fear was irrational. It never made sense. “I should be able to say this, to tell you what I feel.” She sighed, “I’ve felt it for years like a weight on my chest.”
“It’s like a pain so deep in your heart that it physically hurts being away.” Chakotay spoke echoing the truth of Kathryn’s words. It was the pain he felt every day that he had stayed away from her because, at the time, he was being loyal to Seven. “Can you forgive me?” Chakotay asked desperately. He needed to hear her say it. “Please… Kathryn, don’t make me suffer without you any longer.” His heart had ached for her long enough. Now they had a chance to live the life they should have.
Kathryn knew a turning point when she saw one. This was her moment to change her lonely life. Chakotay was everything she had ever wanted in a man; though at the time she had thought she only could ever have it with another werewolf. “I’m tired of hurting.” She responded in a strangled whisper drawing her arms up and over his strong shoulders. “I’m tired of being without you at my side.” Then she added because she had to make him aware of just who she was, “My world isn’t meant for humans, I’m not meant for a human,” She wanted him to understand. She was a werewolf, an Alpha; she had a pack to protect.
“Kathryn, you’re my world, my everything.” Chakotay said. “To me you’re the breath in my body, the beat of my heart, and you are every waking moment.” He had longed to say these words to her, to have them properly received, and to have his feelings returned in earnest. I’ve only ever known peace in my heart because of you.” Angling his head, he kissed her lips gently, “I only ever found my place at your side. You make me belong.” For years he was considered nothing more than a contrary to his people. It took Kathryn’s trust in him, her constant companionship, and her smiles to give him a place where he knew he belonged. Until he saw her again, until he saw the pain in her gaze, he didn’t realize that the loss of her was what had caused the pain in his heart for so many years.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Kathryn muttered against his lips. She was reluctant to be from his arms but she knew the strength she had. In the heat of the moment, she could easily break some of his bones. “I don’t want….” She was going to repeat when his lips fused to hers again. This was his way of telling her that whatever she had in store for him he would deal with it. Caught off guard Chakotay pinned her to the wall this time. She moaned in pure carnal pleasure at the feeling of his body against her. He was hard, and real, and strong, and still very human. With great regret, and the use of her supernatural strength, she pushed Chakotay back. “We can’t do this yet.” She saw confusion. “You need time to get to know the real me.”
Chakotay pulled back his rising desire for her whispering, “I already know you.” Lightly he rested his hand to her heart, “I know your heart.”
“I mean,” Kathryn blushed, “My wolf, my strength, and my habits.” She looked away from him as the crimson flushed her cheeks. It was ridiculous for her to blush so hard.
“Oh,” Chakotay growled playfully. “What kind of… habits.” He teased.
“The kind that could do serious damage to you,” Kathryn pushed down her embarrassment, but she turned it to mirror his playful demeanor. “I like to bite, to scratch. I like it rough.” She growled.
Chakotay joked, “Why do I get the feeling that you’ve slept with a Klingon or two.”
Kathryn laughed and then answered, “Because you can break their bones and they think its foreplay.” Chakotay smirked wickedly at her. “I want to wait.” She stated. “I want to make sure that you’re ok with me, like this…”
“Kathryn, I always knew you were special.” Chakotay stroked her cheek, “I just never knew how special until this moment.” He agreed with her and added, “Waiting would be the best for us. We’re still pretty raw from all the words that have been said, but don’t want to let you go.” She angled her head and arched her brow. It was a look he knew all too well. “I want to sleep with you by my side, my arms holding you close, and I want to feel every breath you take.”
“Men,” Kathryn rolled her eyes playfully, “At heart you all want to just cuddle.” She laughed pushing him away from her so she could move from against the wall. Then, she moved to his side, and slid her arm around his waist where he brought his arm across her shoulders. She knew where she was going, the Captain’s Cabin. Kathryn could walk there blindfolded if she had to.
“That’s me,” Chakotay kissed the top of Kathryn’s head as they walked, “The perfect snuggler.” He made sure to hold her as close as he could. There was no way he was letting go of her now, not now that they had come so far. Chakotay wasn’t going to let go of his chance to be with Kathryn. He couldn’t lose her again, and he wouldn’t.
THE NEXT MORNING:
Kathryn rolled over in bed, being drawn back to consciousness by the most wonderful smell imaginable; coffee. Opening her eyes she saw Chakotay sitting by the bed with a mug of hot coffee in his right hand. Kathryn sat up, the sheet pooling in her lap as she rubbed her tired eyes. The scent of Chakotay was everywhere and she was going to keep it like that. Today, she was still going to wear his shirt that she had gone to sleep in last night. “How long have you been awake?” She asked, her voice still filled with sleep.
“Just a couple of hours,” Chakotay answered getting up to hand her the first cup of coffee that she would be having today. She accepted the mug with a grateful smirk and with a pleasure filled moan, she took her first sip of the day. Chakotay loved to see Kathryn as she drank her beloved coffee. She would get this look of pure satisfaction that he was sure she would find nowhere else, at least until they made love for the first time, but until then, he was happy to watch her.
Kathryn lowered the mug, swallowed her coffee, and then asked, “Have you been watching me all that time?” It thrilled her to know that he could want nothing more than to study her in sleep, to try and pick out the differences in her that he never noticed before. Mark had once told her that she would toss and turn while sleeping, it disturbed him all the time, but Chakotay was content to watch her. She looked to the bed; the covers were mostly neat except where she and Chakotay had slept together.
“I’ve seen you unconscious before, but I’ve never seen you sleep.” Chakotay said sitting on the edge of the bed. He leaned in to kiss her forehead, and then he got up to go over to the duffle he retrieved from the laughable crew quarters Kathryn had taken as her own. “I moved your bag back in here, where it belongs.” Chakotay said showing her. He thought to see anger flash in her eyes, a sense of independence, but instead, he saw contentment.
“Thank you.” Kathryn smiled, “It makes getting dressed easier and I don’t have to use the replicator.” She said without thinking. How easy it was to fall back on old habits just by being on this ship? Kathryn shook her head with a smile, “Though, I guess we don’t have to worry about energy conservation do we?”
Chakotay dropped the bag back to the deck knowing what article of clothing was folded on top. He sat beside her again, “Kathryn, take command, be the Captain again,” He said not sure what was motivating him to make his desire known to be once more under her in the command structure.
Kathryn used her left hand to cup his face, “Oh Chakotay,” she smiled gently at him, “You’re the Captain now, and you’ve earned it. If I was to take command from you, it would show the others I don’t trust you, and that is so far from the truth.” Quickly Kathryn kissed him, her tongue sweeping into his mouth carrying with it her taste and the lingering tang of the coffee, and then she pulled back. “This ship was suited for no one else but you.”
Chakotay’s head spun from her coffee laced kiss. “At least sit to my left on the bridge.” He bargained wanting to keep her so close to him. More than anything he wanted to have a normal atmosphere on the bridge, a return to old times when all they had were each other. “Do I have to beg?”
Kathryn laughed lifting the coffee mug to her lips. She took another grateful sip, swallowed, and then gave her answer. “I would love nothing more than to be on the bridge with you, but what about Tom? Didn’t you make him First Officer?”
“Tom’s the pilot, he has his own seat.” Chakotay joked stealing a kiss from Kathryn before he got up freeing her from the covers of the bed. “We all need a sense of normalcy while we…” He didn’t want to use the word ‘hunt’ in regards to Seven, but that was essentially what they were doing. They were hunting her down.
“Not the sort of hunt you would think to be a part of?” Kathryn asked setting the mug on the ledge of the bed and got out of bed. Chakotay’s shirt fell to mid-thigh on her as she walked over to her bag. She pulled out a pair of black leggings and her old uniform boots. Without pause she pulled the legging’s on, and then she sat on the edge of the bed to put on her boots. Rising she ran her fingers through her hair and then used a hair tie to keep the auburn locks out of her face. Kathrny retrieved her coffee and then left the bedroom with Chakotay following her.
“No, not the hunt I’m used to.” Chakotay answered following Kathryn as she picked up her brown leather jacket. He watched her put it on, adjust his shirt, and then turn back to him. “Is this… a hunt you’ve done before?” Chakotay asked sheepishly. He knew that in the 21st century werewolves were popular, but they were also made into movie theatre monsters.
“Are you asking if I’ve ever hunted a human being?” Kathryn clarified her voice even. She wasn’t offended. It was normal question for him to ask. She stepped closer to him and took another drink of her still hot coffee. “Do you count as my answer? I was sent to hunt you down, remember?” She smiled, but could sense he was in no mood to joke. “I’ve never hunted a human for pleasure.” Kathryn turned her back and looked at familiar stars that were more nightmare than a source of relaxation. “There are some werewolves that enjoy hunting humans. What’s more exciting than hunting someone who can hunt back?”
“You sound like a Hirogen,” Chakotay commented standing close behind her, slipping his arms around her waist so he could hold her close. “Though, you could teach them a thing or two about hunting I suppose.” He wasn’t sure what he was saying, why he was saying it, or how she was really taking it.
“I could have,” Kathryn agreed, “Though, I would hate to think what one of them would really taste like.” Then she gagged. “I bet it would be nasty.” She mused feeling Chakotay tense behind her. Turning in his arms, she whispered, “Sorry, I forgot, you’re still getting used to me being a wolf.”
“It’s not that.” Chakotay defended lightly. “I guess it didn’t hit me until now that you could…”
“Eat someone?” Kathryn asked? Chakotay nodded shyly. “I could eat someone, but humans are humans.” She said and then sensing his confusion to added, “If I was going to eat something, a creature that I’ve hunted, it would either be a white tailed deer or a moose.” She answered honestly not wishing to censor her responses any longer with Chakotay.
Chakotay shook his head, “Sorry, this is just weird to hear.” He laughed out of nervousness and then looked at Kathryn to see the gentle look of knowing on her face. “I guess I really need time to let this sink in, but it won’t make me run from you.”
“Good.” Kathryn nodded. “I would hunt you down if you did.” She teased gently. To make it better, she kissed him lightly, just a brush of lips to soothe the truth he was hearing from her. “Maybe after this is done, we have Seven back, maybe you and I could go hunting together.”
“I would like that,” Chakotay grinned, “Just don’t ask me to eat any of the meat.” He was a vegetarian.
“Fine,” Kathryn chuckled, “More for me. I would warn you that I have a ravenous appetite…” She moved back heading for the door and then she looked over her shoulder at him adding, “In all things.” Kathryn gave him one of her wry grins as she listened to his heart kick up a notch.
BRIDGE:
Kathryn stepped out of the turbo lift on to the bridge she had once called hers. Ayala was at Tactical, where Tuvok would have once been. Harry was at the OPS station. Tom was at the helm. B’Elanna was sitting at the Engineering console. And all eyes were on her. She was still dressed in civilian clothing as she moved down the three wide steps. Chakotay was close behind her lending her his silent strength. She breathed in an out carefully as she stopped in front of the First Officer’s seat and then she looked at Chakotay. With a slight nod from him, they, moving as one, sat together. The tension she could feel melted away in the single beat of a heart. Everyone was probably wondering if she was going to cause a scene.
Chakotay felt relief wash through the bridge when he and Kathryn sat down together. B’Elanna winked at him in her way of saying that he didn’t screw anything up and that things would work out. Even Tom was glancing at him over his shoulder. “You have something to say Paris?” Chakotay asked in commanding tone. Beside him Kathryn choked back a chuckle. He glared at her playfully gaining her eye roll that made him want to laugh.
Ton spun around in his chair cheerfully replying, “I’ve actually got nothing to say, except,” He turned to Kathryn, “It’s good to have you back. Maybe now you can keep him in line.” Tom joked, shrugging off one of Chakotay’s glares.
“Sorry Tom,” Janeway smiled at Paris, and then she looked to Chakotay with love shining in her eyes, “I doubt anyone could keep him on the straight and narrow.” She teased falling back into old times when a little laughter went a long way.
Chakotay rolled his eyes this time. “Yes, I’m such a wild man.” He chuckled. “Need I remind you that there were times when you, my dear Kathryn, needed to be kept…”
“It’s so important to your future that you not finish that sentence.” Kathryn reached over and lightly pushed his shoulder.
Chakotay turned in his chair, like they used to, he leaned in and asked, “Why is that? What could you possibly do to me?”
Kathryn mirrored him, “All manner of naughty wicked things.” She purred more feline than lupine. Chakotay let his jaw drop at her statement, but there was laughter in his eyes.
“I want to hear about this!” Paris piped up with laughter ringing in his words despite the reason they all had returned to the Delta quadrant and despite how things had been for the last five years with the rift in the crew that was slowly closing because Kathryn and Chakotay were finally together again. Everyone on this ship knew how the command team really felt about each other; it was something that allowed them all hope. That was something they needed more than anything right now.
So much awesome!!!
@ the last 3 pics. 
