[There You'll Be]

Oh you are so right. Mom is usually justifying why she did/said what she did, so I can't win.

I really like your position on this.

Everything you've said is so true.

I'm definitely letting go now. It worked well yesterday.

[sunnykerr]

You know, my brother says that people don't argue.

They just communicate a different opinion.

Personally, it feels like arguing.

But, you know, I'm willing to concede that other people might not see something the same way I do.

Another reason why I just stop arguing.

Some people don't mind arguing, and that's probably a great thing for them.

I'm not one of those people, so I just don't argue.

[There You'll Be]

I can relate-it's arguing to me, too.

That is a great point-people see things differently, and I need to realize and accept that.

I'm not going to be arguing either.

I've also found, in the last couple of days, that I just agree with Mom right off the bat, or she starts the manipulating and guilting.

It's just how she operates, and I've been going along with it for so long, it just seems okay to her.

I agree, and journal my upsets.

I so think you are right though-not arguing has released a lot of stress for me.

So, thank you.

[sunnykerr]

Well, that's the whole point of realizing that different people see things differently, isn't it?

Your mother probably doesn't realize her behaviour feels like manipulation to you.

I know my mother doesn't realize it at all.

To her, it's just her inabitlity to stop being a mother hen.

Your mother probably has her own version or vision of it.

I mean, who knows what's going on in their heads?

All we know is they don't mean it the way we feel it.

And that doesn't mean our feelings aren't legitimate.

It just means that, well, one, we stop arguing.

But, also, we have to be a little patient with them sometimes.

Certainly not all the time and not to our own detriment.

But we have to be kind, too.

[There You'll Be]

I think you are dead on about the mother hen part.

I think they see us as youngsters, no matter how much older we get, too.

Very good point-kindness is very important to me, and I need to get back on that track again.

And our mom's especially, deserve our kindness.

[sunnykerr]

I am told that the whole "seeing us as childen" thing never goes away.

Because of how, you know, we are their children.



Obviously, I don't think that means we need to take it without commenting.

If I did everything my mom wanted me to do... well, I'd be living a very different life.

She doesn't get to run my life.

But I don't have the energy to always try to make her understand that.

So I don't argue with her.

I just do my own thing.

And if she asks me why, then I just tell her that I do what I want and I'm old enough now to be allowed to do that.

Still, I realize it's not easy for her.

I like to control things, and so of course she does too.

It would be reassuring to her to be able to control me.

But that can't happen.

[There You'll Be]

That's where me and Mom battle here, too, like you and your mom.

We both want to be in control.

Yeah, I need to stop letting my mom control me.

It's easier to let her do it, but frustration is mounting.

So, I need to find a way to balance that.

It's really good that you hold your own life in your control, and let her know without arguing.

[sunnykerr]

So, basically, if I'm understanding you correctly, you just need to change your perspective.

It's not that your mother controls you.

You're a grown adult with a mind of her own.

What happens is that she's your mother and you don't want her to get upset (or you just don't want to fight with her or whatever) so you choose to let her have her way.

Even though it obviously causes you massive frustration.

And that's totally understantable.

But you're beating yourself up for being kind to her and not trying to change her.

You're still in control if you let her have her way, you know.

So long as it is your decision to do that, it's still you being in control.

You're just not wasting your energy arguing the point with her.

[sunnykerr]

[There You'll Be]

Exactly Sunny. I don't want to upset her, so I give in.

She doesn't control me, I let her have her way.

Oh my goodness! You are so right . Even if I give in it's my choice. That is so cool!

I love how you show me different perspective. You save me a lot of frustration.

Ha! Love the little dancer!

Thank you for posting again yesterday. I've just been so fried and tired.

[sunnykerr]

I'm just saying what I see.

You could fight with her.

You know that, obviously.

You've done it already.

So, if you choose to not fight with her, so to "let her have her way," it's still a choice you're making.

Because the alternative is always there.

You can always make that choice between fighting with her or not fighting with her.

She can't fight by herself.

[There You'll Be]

She definitely has improved since I stopped arguing with her.

At least she's stopped fighting with me.

So that's a very good thing.

[sunnykerr]

Well, like I said, you can't argue with yourself.

If you just refuse to argue with her, she won't be able to argue with you.

At least, that's the way it's turned out with my dad.

We're world champions at being right about everything on my dad's side of the family, which, combined with my mother's side of the family's talent for manipulation and emotional blackmail, makes for a terrible combo.

I'm still working on stuff, myself.

But I have realized that, if I refuse to argue and fight with someone, there is a whole lot of fighting going on around me.

[There You'll Be]

Oh crap! That's a terrible combination of situations and things-those two.

It's definitely better going on around you than with you.

Families are complicated business, aren't they?

[sunnykerr]

Families are complicated, for sure.

People are complicated, period.

So imagine when you put a whole bunch of them together.

And none of us is ever a mind reader, so there will be times (and a lot of them) where we have crossed signals.

That's why we need to be patient with others and with ourselves.

And remind ourselves that there is, like a filter, between what a person wants to say or do and what they wind up saying and doing.

Because we all mess up.

And then there's another filter between what a person says or does and how another person will interpret what's been said or done.