Tomasina

I reserve the right to make stuff up when my memory fails. I prefer to good flow to honest vagueness. Don’t worry, my memory is pretty good overall, and I will resist the temptation to “improve” anything or screw with you any more than I already have (and yes, I knew exactly what I was doing)
First last week’s since we didn’t get anything very detailed. It was a filler episode writing-wise, but the actors all did a fantastic job with it.

THE ITCHY BRAIN SIMULATION

SCENE 1: L/S APARTMENT
Leonard and Penny are on the couch and Sheldon is in the kitchen.
PENNY- You’ve had that dart board for years. How come I’ve never seen you use it?
LEONARD- We used it once but we broke a window.
The dart board is on the front door nowhere near a window.
PENNY- What window?
LEONARD- That one.
Points to the other side of the room to the picture window that Lovey-Dovey flew through.
SHELDON- Leonard, where are those tickets we got from playing skee ball three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want to get.
LEONARD- They’re probably in the junk box.
Leonard goes to the back of the room and brings a cardboard box back to the couch.
SHELDON- I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but someone’s going to be looking mighty fine with a flower in his lapel.
Leonard starts rummaging through the box and pulls out a bulky knitted sweater with LENNY sown on the left breast in yellow thread.
PENNY- Wow. What is that?
LEONARD- My aunt knitted it for me when I went away to college.
PENNY- Aww. You must have been her favorite nephew.
LEONARD- Obviously. My brother got a car but I got a sweater.
He finds a long tape of tickets and hands them to Sheldon.
SHELDON- Hmm. This looks short. Are you sure that’s all of them?
Leonard starts looking through the box again then abruptly closes the top.
LEONARD- Well, if there’s more they must be… Nope! Not in the box.
SHELDON- You didn’t even look.
LEONARD- It’s fine. Don’t look in there.
SHELDON- What are you hiding in there?
Sheldon walks over and starts to reach for it.
LEONARD- OK! Just promise me you won’t flip out.
SHELDON- Why would I flip out?
Sheldon gasps and draws back.
SHELDON- It’s a spider, isn’t it?
PENNY- No. If it was Lenny would have flipped out.
LEONARD- Just stay calm, all right. Everything’s going to be OK.
Leonard pulls out a white DVD rental case.
LEONARD- I said I would return this for you seven years ago, but I forgot. Nothing bad happened, though. We can handle this in a reasonable fashion. I’ll just return the DVD now and we can put this behind us. I’m sorry but all you need to do is stay calm and I’ll take care of it.
SHELDON- I believe you.
LEONARD- Just stay calm.
SHELDON- OK.
LEONARD- Is it me or is Sheldon actually being reasonable about this?
PENNY- Yeah, it’s freaking me out. I’m gonna go.
Penny practically runs out of the apartment and Sheldon walks back into the kitchen to get a bottle of water. Leonard follows him.
LEONARD- Don’t freak out, don’t fixate, don’t talk to me about it while I’m on the toilet…
SHELDON- I won’t. And why would I even want to? You know when you’re on the toilet and you can hear me, I can hear you. And I mean everything.
LEONARD- Sheldon, I don’t know it’s like in that crazy brain of yours. Just tell me what you need me to do to fix this for you.
SHELDON- Leonard, you know how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s like having an itch in my brain I can’t scratch. So if you really need to know what this is like for me, you can continue to defecate in peace and instead wear this sweater, with nothing underneath, until the issue is resolved.
LEONARD- Really? That’s all?
SHELDON- Yes. A shared experience. It’ll be worth it.
LEONARD- If it shuts you up I’ll sell a million of them and make a fortune.
Leonard takes the sweater from Sheldon and immediately strips off his tops and puts it on, grabs the DVD, and starts for the door.
SHELDON- Oh, by the way, that store went out of business years ago.
Leonard freezes with his hand on the doorknob and looks back at Sheldon. He is already scratching at the sweater.
SHELDON- Now who’s overreacting?

SCENE 2: CCF BAR
Penny is working and Amy and Bernadette are at the bar
drinks
PENNY- So, do anything interesting today?
AMY- Yes, I simulated corrective surgery on a brain being stimulated while suspended in an electrolytic fluid.
BERNADETTE- And I got to preform microsurgery on several strains of bacteria splicing in entire organelles.
PENNY- I scraped gum off the bottom of the table over there. And that was only because the manager saw me put it there.
BERNADETTE- How about that refill.
PENNY- Yeah, just a minute.
Continues cleaning glasses.
AMY- Hey, isn’t that Lucy?
They all look over to see Lucy seated at a bar table with her back to them.
PENNY- Really? I always pictured her as being Indian.
BERNADETTE- Penny, that’s racist.
PENNY- No it isn’t.
AMY- Yeah, it kind of is.
PENNY- You know what? I’m gonna go over there give her a piece of my mind. And take her order.
AMY- Are you sure that’s a good idea?
PENNY- Yes. She hurt my friend. My indian friend. Who’s racist now?
BERNADETTE- You are. Because you just referred to Raj as your indian friend.
Penny goes over to Lucy.
AMY- We’re never getting those drinks.
PENNY- Hi, welcome to the Cheesecake Factory. Can I get you anything?
LUCY- Thanks. I’ll just have a chicken salad and a water please.
PENNY- That’s not hard, is it? Just telling me what you want?
LUCY- What?
PENNY- I’m a friend of Raj’s. My friend Amy over there recognized you.
Amy has leaned over the bar to grab the soda hose and is refilling her own glass. She and Bernadette look back at them and smile guiltily but she doesn’t stop. (See spoiler photo)
LUCY- How is he?
PENNY- How do you think? Why would you break up with someone through an email?
LUCY- I don’t know. I guess it was easier.
PENNY- Interesting. When you say easier, you obviously mean easier for you. It sure wasn’t for him.
Penny shakes herself
PENNY- Let me get your order.
LUCY- OK
Penny starts to walk away, then turns around and comes back.
PENNY- Seriously, how could you do that to him? He was devastated.
LUCY- Could I maybe get another waitress?
PENNY- Something wrong? Why don’t you try expressing to me how you feel the way you did to Raj?
LUCY- Because I don’t have your email.
PENNY- You are a bad person.

SCENE 3- L/S APARTMENT
Howard, Leonard, Raj, and Sheldon are eating. Leonard can’t stop scratching.
HOWARD- You don’t even take it off to sleep? You’re being an idiot.
LEONARD- I’m proving a point.
HOWARD- Yeah. That you’re an idiot.
SHELDON- How are you going to take care of this if the store’s closed?
Leonard walks over to a support column and starts rubbing his back up and down against it like a bear in the woods.
LEONARD- I’m going to track down the store owner, give him the DVD, and solve this.
HOWARD- And how do you plan to do that, Smokey The Bear?
RAJ- Who’s Smokey The Bear?
HOWARD- Seriously? You didn’t have Smokey in India? He taught kids not to start forest fires.
RAJ- Oh! Kind of like Mun-Mun The Mongoose.
HOWARD- Mun-Mun?
RAJ- Yeah. He taught kids not to play with cobras.
HOWARD- You needed to be taught not to play with cobras?
RAJ- You needed to be taught not to start forest fires?

SCENE 4- P’S APARTMENT
Amy and Bernadette are pouring microwave popcorn into a bowl and shoving it into their mouths before they can even finish filling it.
PENNY- Wow. If you guys are so hungry, why didn’t you just order something at the Cheesecake Factory?
BERNADETTE- We did. You never brought it to us.
AMY- Or our drinks.
PENNY- Oh, yeah. Two salads and an order of nachos, right?
BERNADETTE- Not even close.
PENNY- Well I’m glad I got to give her a piece of my mind. Even if it means you didn’t get your….I want to say… salmon?
AMY- You want to say sorry. How are you going to explain to Raj what you did?
PENNY- There’s nothing to explain. I was being a good friend.
BERNADETTE- You just told his ex-girlfriend how desperate and alone he was.
PENNY- I’m sure he won’t take it that way. She was a bitch and I was defending my friend.
Cut to Raj at Penny’s door yelling at her.
RAJ- How could you do that? I could have run into her one day and acted all cool and gotten back together with her. Now she knows what a pathetic mess I am. I hate you, Penny!
PENNY- Raj, I’m sorry!
Raj’s phone chimes.
RAJ- It’s Lucy. She wants to know if I want to meet her for coffee.
He grabs Penny and hugs her.
RAJ- I love you, Penny!
SCENE 5: S’S OFFICE
SHELDON- So you see, the spatial curve will act as a proton mirror allowing us to “see” what’s happening on the other side without having to actually see it.
HOWARD- That’s brilliant work, Sheldon.
SHELDON- Thank you, but if you don’t mind, I could really use an engineer’s opinion here. Would you be willing to help me?
Sheldon walks around his desk to hold the back of his chair and looks at his white board. Howard looks both shocked and gleeful.
HOWARD- Of course, yes!
SHELDON- This chair… It squeaks.
Howard says nothing but doesn’t look too happy anymore. Leonard comes in looking twitchy and frantic. He can’t stop scratching.
LEONARD- So! I tracked down the owner. He’s dead, and there are no other chain stores. It’s over.
SHELDON- Yes, it appears so.
Leonard yanks the sweater off and throws it on Sheldon’s desk. His skin is bright red and blotchy.
HOWARD- Unless… You could always reimburse his next-of-kin.
SHELDON- Oh! I hadn’t thought of that. Good idea, Howard!
Howard picks up the sweater and hands it back to Leonard, who only glares at him.
HOWARD- (to Sheldon) That’s what I’m here for. (to Leonard) Better hurry before you rub those nipples off.
Leonard puts the sweater back on and stalks off.
SHELDON- SHELDON- So if you could get on that chair as soon as possible…

SCENE 6: H/B APARTMENT
Howard, Bernadette, and Raj are having dinner
RAJ- I need some advice. I’ve never talked with an ex before. How do I win her over?
HOWARD- The key is confidence.
RAJ- (groans) Everybody always says that! If I had any confidence I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
BERNADETTE- Raj, she didn’t treat you very well. Are you even sure you want to get back together with her?
Howard laughs
HOWARD- Are you kidding? He’s so desperate she could have slept with his dad, he caught them in the act, and he would still beg her to come back and be the mother of his children.
RAJ- He’s right.
BERNADETTE- Just relax and enjoy your coffee.
RAJ- But what should I do? Tell her she looks nice? Tell her how much I missed her? Show her the oil painting I made of us and our future children?
BERNADETTE- Why don’t you save that for the second date?
RAJ- That’s probably for the best. I still can’t get the twins to look alike.
SCENE 7: P’S APARTMENT
Penny and Leonard are on the couch. Penny clearly would like to make out but Leonard can’t stop scratching.
PENNY- What the hell is that thing made of? Bees?
LEONARD- I can’t take it off until I find the owner’s next-of-kin.
PENNY- Look, Sheldon isn’t here. Just take it off. I won’t tell.
LEONARD- If I take it off, he wins.
PENNY- Sweetie, every night you don’t kill him in his sleep, he wins.
Leonard turns back to his laptop.
LEONARD- No. I am going to finish this.
Penny gets up and takes a picture of him on her phone.
LEONARD- What was that for?
PENNY- I’m going to send it to Princeton and see if I can get you your money back.

SCENE 8: S/L APARTMENT
Amy is getting some tea and Sheldon is in the living room. Sheldon has a grey suit jacket on with a daisy-like white flower in the lapel.
AMY- I’m surprised at how well you’re coping with this, Sheldon.
SHELDON- I suppose there are just more interesting things in the world. For instance, what do you think this flower smells like?
Amy comes over and looks at him.
AMY- Sadness.
Amy sits down.
AMY- Seriously, Sheldon. What’s going on with you?
SHELDON- Well, maybe I happened to read a book called Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff . And maybe I learned that life Could be more fulfilling if I didn’t worry so much about things I couldn’t control and instead did other things. Like stopping to smell the flowers. You should try it.
AMY- Sheldon…
SHELDON- Smell the flower!
Amy slowly leans over towards the flower. When her nose is an inch away the flower falls off and Sheldon’s lapel is soaked with water.
SHELDON- Oh. How odd. That’s not what one usually expects from a flower.
Amy is not amused.

SCENE 9: COFFEE SHOP
Raj is already sitting and Lucy joins him
LUCY- Hi, Raj. Thanks for coming.
RAJ- No, it’s good to see you. Look! I got you a cappuccino because I remembered it was your favorite. I also got some crumb cake, but then I remembered that was my favorite. So, no more crumb cake.
LUCY- Look, I wanted to apologize for breaking up with you in an email. It was easier for me, but it was wrong. You deserved better.
RAJ- Hey, it’s all good. I ate the crumb cake. We’re both at fault. So now we can move past this and live the rest of our lives together.
LUCY- Oh.
RAJ- You know… as friends, love-making partners… whatever.
LUCY- Raj, I’m sorry. But I’m kind of seeing someone.
RAJ- Oh… It’s not me, is it?
LUCY- No.
RAJ- Didn’t think so.
SCENE 10: P’S APARTMENT
Raj is yelling at Penny
RAJ- Why are you so cruel? Do you enjoy my pain? Do you? I hate you, Penny!
PENNY- I set you up with a friend at the Cheesecake Factory.
RAJ- I love you, Penny!
SCENE 10: S/L APARTMENT
Amy is cleaning up at the island and Sheldon is talking to her across it.
SHELDON- Amy, I’d like to apologize for trying to pull a foolish prank on you with a cheap flower. Let me make it up to you. How about some peanut brittle in a can?
He holds up what is obviously a can of snakes and Amy is not fooled. Leonard runs in the front door looking triumphant.
LEONARD- OK. There are no next-of-kin. I went to the Armenian church where they held his funeral. There was no one in attendance. I lit a candle and prayed for your death. But it probably won’t happen because I’m not Armenian. So we agree. This is over, right?
SHELDON- Not necessarily. Maybe you could track down some relatives over in Armenia or Lebanon.
LEONARD- I am not going to Lebanon for Super Mario Brothers, The Movie!
SHELDON- Are you sure you wouldn’t enjoy it? You love hummus.
Leonard looks at him in exasperation and Sheldon shrugs.
LEONARD- Why is this not making you crazy?
SHELDON- Leonard, I have something to tell you. Now don’t flip out. Seven years ago, I knew the DVD was late and I paid for it. I thought about saying something, but then I thought if I didn’t say anything, when you did eventually find out it would make for a wonderful teachable moment.
Leonard and Amy just stare at him as he smiles proudly.
SHELDON- See? It worked out beautifully.
Leonard yanks off the sweater, stuffs it in the garbage, grabs two bags of frozen peas out of the freezer (with the flag still upside down) and clutches them to his nipples. He stalks off, turns back around, yells “What?!” to their stares (he does look extremely ridiculous) and continues off stage down the hall. Sheldon picks up the movie and turns to Amy.
SHELDON- Care to watch Super Mario Brothers? It’s terrible. You’ll love it.
AMY- That was diabolical.
SHELDON- I know. (sighs) You have no idea what it’s like to wait for years with no hope of satisfaction.
Amy gives him the look we are all too familiar with at this point.

SCENE 11: CCF DINING ROOM
Raj is with his blind date. She looks gorgeous and part-Indian to boot.
RAJ- Wow. You’re so beautiful. I can’t believe you don’t already have a boyfriend.
OUTOFHISLEAGUE- Well, believe it.
RAJ- No, I don’t!
OUTOFHISLEAGUE- What?
RAJ- Look, just tell me the truth. It’s OK. I have no moral standards. I have no problem being your little something on the side. Just give me a chance, already!
Cut to the OUTOFHISLEAUGE yelling at Penny in the restaurant
OUTOFHISLEAUGE- What is wrong with him?!
Cut to Penny yelling at Raj at his apartment
PENNY- What is wrong with you?!
Cut to Raj yelling at himself in the mirror.
RAJ- What is wrong with you?!

FINIS