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Old 10-28-2013, 10:30 PM
  #13
sparksღfly
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Joined: Feb 2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ღfaithfully (View Post)
Hey guys,

Actually, I'm very sad and heartbroken to say that I too have decided to step down from the moderator position. This was a very hard decision for me to come to, and I'm not even writing this post on the board but on Word because it's so hard and devastating to see me saying this. I imagined to stay as an active moderator on this board way past my 30s. I imagined to stay until I was the last poster left. This board was my baby. I put hours of posting and art making to this board. It gave me so much happiness. I spent my Friday nights on here with the greatest friends, watching movies or talking about the most amazing celebrity on earth, rather than at clubs or house parties like every other person my age, and I was happy with that. This board was my home.

Santana in the Quarterback said something that echoes what I'm about to say very well. This place was my home, but now it's a reminder of everything I've lost. Now it's a reminder of all the grief I feel. Now it's a reminder that there will be no new threads to make for Cory's new roles, there will be no new pictures to post in the Pictures thread, there will be no updates anywhere. It's a sad reminder of a life cut too short, of my idol being gone, of my favourite character not achieving his goals. Because of that, I've neglected this board. As I'm sure you've all noticed, I've been away from posting for a long time and even when I did come to post it would be barely. So contrary to when I would spree this board 5 pages, and post actively and happily on every thread every day. I can't be here. It's too hard. It's like when a parent whose lost a child enters the room of their child to see their left belongings. They're filled with memories of every object in that room. For me, this board is Cory's room to me, but even worse because I spent so much time here and this place once gave me so much happiness, but now sadly it just makes me depressed and stricken with grief all over again.

I wanted to stay here, I wanted to continue honouring him and his amazing life here. I want so badly to be strong enough. But I also can't help how I feel. I also don't want to be in a mental state of depression and grief constantly. Everyone said it'll get easier and it'll get better with time. So I waited. It didn't. Being here still hits me with all that I've lost and all that's changed. So I have to let go, as hard as it is, I know that's what he'd want me to do.

I will still continue to love and honour Cory till my last breath. I miss him every single day and there isn't a morning or night where he isn't on my mind. Where I don't look at my Cory poster, necklace, or cellphone background whether it'd be with sadness or whether it'd be with a "I hope you're watching me look" or whether it'd be a source of motivation. He'll always mean so much to me. And everyone who has me on Facebook knows how much I've let that be publicly known to real life friends who don't necessarily understand what I'm going through. On my tumblr, twitter, and any other social media outlet and through his charities, I will continue to honour him. Reblog pictures or tweets. Sometimes they make me sad, sometimes they make me smile. Now, the question arises how can I do that but not stay on FanForum? I think the simple answer to that is I spent way more time obsessing over Cory on FanForum than anywhere else. I have memories here that I don't have anywhere else. That's why this place is sensitive. It's also different to see a picture of Cory and reblog it, than to have to come here and discuss how he's gone in every single thread with bawling faces. It's much harder to talk about it. It's easier to honour him by reliving a portion of his life in images and gifsets.

Cory is still my idol and my biggest inspiration. Even in death, he continues to inspire me. I've become so much of changed person since his death. I've lost 25-30 pounds of weight. I'm finally the size small and 2 I've always wanted to be. That's not because I've been starving myself of grief but because his passing motivated me to get serious about my insecurities. It showed me how deadly they can be. So I've spent the last 3 months eating healthy and exercising. I've fought my insecurities like he taught me to. His passing also motivated me to live my life to the fullest because life is too short. I've reconnected with old friends, found new ones, started volunteering, working, and working towards my future career. I rarely spend more than an hour on the computer these days, and sometimes I don't come on for a couple days. I'm no longer obsessed with television shows. I still watch them. But I'm no longer invested in fandoms or fictional lives, because I want to live my real life. That's also part of the reason why I'm stepping down, I simply don't have the time to be here not am I fixated on being on the internet or in fandoms anymore.

I want to thank every single person on this board and on this website in general who made this my favourite place to be for so long. I still love you guys. Don't get me wrong, I will always love you guys and be thankful of the friendships I've made on here. I want to continue them, thankfully I know a lot of you outside FanForum and have you on Facebook or even on my phone to keep in touch, but for the others - to keep in touch with me you can always add me on Facebook - just send me a private message or we'll follow each other on tumblr/twitter - message me about that too. I may stop by here every once in a while to check in and see how things are and catch up with you guys. I will try and do that. But I wholeheartedly thank every single one of you for all the memories, the joy, and the conversations we've had over the years. I will never forget you guys. Raddy and Adie, my two lovely co-mods, I know we'll keep in touch outside here and I'm grateful for that but also modding with you both has been the best experience and I wouldn't take it back for the world. I wouldn't take back being moderator of this board and loving Cory as passionately as I did despite the pain I feel. He taught me a lot, he changed my life, and for that I will forever be grateful to him and to this board for giving me the space to obsess over him for so long. I will always be very grateful to the Moderator Managers for giving me this position.

Because of that, I hope you guys apply. I hope some of you can find the strength to apply and stay here. I know we talked about closing the board, but Adie wants to keep it open, so for her we decided to let it stay. She's a wonderful co-mod to have and I hope whoever succeeds me and Raddy will keep Cory's memory here alive with her. I know many of you who are capable of doing that, so I hope you apply. And I will stay as moderator to help determine who succeeds us and do some of my last posting here.

This post is excessively long so I'll end it here but again I'm so sad to be doing this. I will forever love every single one of you and Cory with all of my heart. Thank you for the memories. I will miss you all.

Best of luck and wishes,
Leyla <3 XOXO

P.S. Beautiful post Raddy I'm here for you bb, always
Oh god

I love you all guys forever and always
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