ennaxor

Here it is, The Vacation Solution! Same old request - please credit me if you share elsewhere.

SCENE 1

Guys are eating at the university cafeteria. Sheldon’s writing in a notebook, and laughing to himself. Leonard asks what’s so funny. Sheldon says he thinks he’s come up with a way to make science more fun for young people. (On the late take, they just started with Sheldon’s line, without the laughing.)

Raj asks, x-ray specs that really work? On the second take, his line was, fart powered rocket pants? But that didn’t get much of a laugh at all, so they cut (Kunal asked, “Should I act better?”). They replaced it again with, robot teachers that also have sex with you?

Sheldon says no, better - physics madlibs. Raj says that’s not better. Sheldon says he’ll show them, and asks Leonard for a number. Leonard says 5. Sheldon asks Howard for an irrational constant - he says e. He asks Raj for a funny Greek letter - Raj says gamma. Sheldon says he asked for a funny letter. Raj says upsilon. He asks Leonard for a charge - positive.

Then Sheldon starts to read the finished madlib, which is something about a physicist at a symposium explaining a new way of calculating something… But he doesn’t get very far before he’s laughing too hard to keep going. He tries to start again, but breaks down laughing again. Howard says he hasn’t seen Sheldon laugh this hard since Leonard ran into the sliding glass door. Sheldon harder laughs at that, “He thought the door wasn’t there, but it was!” Leonard says that wasn’t funny, he had to get 8 stitches in his head. Sheldon laughs even harder and says stop, he’s going to wet himself.

On the last take Howard instead says he hadn’t seen Sheldon laugh this hard since Leonard made that multiplication error. Sheldon says right, Leonard thought he carried the one but he didn’t! Leonard says that wasn’t funny, that mistake got published. Sheldon again says he might wet himself.

Raj points out President Siebert is in the cafeteria, and Howard wonders what he wants. Leonard says he looks angry, he must want to talk to Sheldon. Siebert comes up and addresses Sheldon, and Leonard says “told you.” Sheldon says that he assumes that Siebert wants to talk to him about the multiple suggestions that he’s left in the box outside his office. Siebert says no, and tells him to stop installing suggestion boxes. Sheldon says Siebert doesn’t like written suggestions, he doesn’t like hearing them when they’re urinating in them men’s room, if he didn’t know any better he’s think Siebert was a stubborn person who doesn’t like suggestions.

Siebert tells him that he’s heard from the physics department head that Sheldon is refusing to take his vacation. Sheldon says he doesn’t want to. Siebert says it’s mandatory, and the number one suggestion in the boxes that Sheldon installed without permission is “Can Dr Cooper take his vacation?”

Siebert tells the guys he’ll see them Monday, except for Sheldon. As he walks away, Sheldon asks what he’s supposed to do if he’s not at work. Siebert tells him read, relax, and he hears Afghanistan is nice this time of year. Sheldon asks the others, sarcasm? Howard says no, he should go.

SCENE 2

The scene’s in Leonard’s car, and was shot earlier, but they reenacted it for us center stage. Leonard’s driving alone, with “I Gotta Feelin” playing on the radio. Leonard’s just sort of humming along at first, but then starts singing, and gets really into the song. Sheldon pops up from the backseat, where he was hiding under a blanket, protesting to Leonard’s singing. Leonard asks what he’s doing back there, and Sheldon says bleeding from the ears.

Leonard asks why he was hiding, and Sheldon says he’s sneaking into work. If the security guard asks Leonard what’s under the blanket, he should tell them it’s lobster traps - that’s how Velma and Daphne got Scooby into the lighthouse. Leonard asks, won’t people recognize you once you’re there? Sheldon asks, will they?, and puts on a baseball cap that also has long hair attached.

Leonard tells Sheldon to get back under the blanket, and he’ll drive him to the university. But after Sheldon hides again, Leonard turns the wheel to make a u-turn. Sheldon says he has GPS on his phone, he knows Leonard’s turning around.

SCENE 3

The girls in Penny’s apartment, doing something with Bernadette’s wedding invitations. Penny says she’s glad Bernadette convinced Howard not to do the invitations in Klingon. Bernadette tells her to turn it over, and says she hopes her relatives will think it’s Hebrew.

Amy says she can’t believe this is finally happening - she finally gets to be a maid of honor, and she’ll walk down the aisle in a beautiful dress and finally have her day. Bernadette says, you mean my day. Amy tells Penny someone’s gonna need an extra large veil for their head.

Bernadette says that’s if she even gets married. Penny asks why wouldn’t she. Bernadette says that since she makes so much more money than Howard, her dad’s putting a lot of pressure on her to get a prenup, and she’s afraid how Howard will react. Amy says that pressure from parents can be a real burden, she remembers the fight with her mom about shaving her legs… “last year I finally gave in and let her shave them.”

Bernadette says she doesn’t know how she’s going to tell him. Penny suggests topless - let those puppies have some sun, and she can get him to join the marines. On the second take, it was changed to something like shake those puppies at him. On the third, instead Penny says she’s always been a supporter of breaking news to guys while in bed - it’s how she told her high school boyfriend she was sleeping with his brother. And it’s also how she told his brother. Bernadette says she’s not sure if she’s comfortable manipulating Howard with sex. Penny says that’s what sex is for.

Amy says that the connection between money and marriage isn’t new - the term wed refers to the money and livestock that bride’s father gave to the groom. She tells Bernadette that with her looks and intelligence, with a conservative guess, she’d fetch at least two goats and a goose, easily. Then she tells Penny that she’d fetch a unicorn, and Penny smiles.

SCENE 4

Penny exits her apartment with a laundry basket, at the same time as Leonard leaves his apartment. They greet each other, and Leonard asks if that’s her laundry, there’s only like 6 things in there. Penny says yeah, she’s out of quarters, so she’s been sneaking in stuff with other people’s loads throughout the day.

She asks Leonard if he can keep a secret if she tells him something, and he says it doesn’t matter, she’s going to tell him anyways. They start to head down the stairs, and Penny says no she won’t… but then she blurts that Bernadette wants Howard to sign a prenup.

Third floor. Leonard says that’s rough. Penny asks, so if she became a famous actress, and the two of them got married, Leonard wouldn’t sign a prenup? Leonard says no, if he’s going to be stuck at home with the kids, while she’s on location cheating on him with Ryan Gosling… “Leonard gots to get paid.”

Second floor. Leonard asks Penny, so you think about us getting married? Penny says she thinks about a lot of things. She thinks about them getting married, she thinks about them breaking up, every once in a while she thinks about how she didn’t leave a note on that Mercedes that she dinged last month… But then she has a glass of wine, and it all goes away. Leonard tells her to joke all she wants, but she still thinks about it. Penny says if she ever does get married, the wedding invitations will not be in Klingon. Leonard tells her good luck attracting a man with that attitude.

SCENE 5

The guys all eating at Leonard and Sheldon’s. Leonard tells Sheldon that there are a ton of places he could go on vacation, and suggests Hawaii. Sheldon says that Hawaii is a former leper colony, on a volcano, where they filmed the disappointing ending to Lost - that’s three strikes. On a later take, instead of three strikes, he said “Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.”

Howard suggests Florida - they’ve got Cape Canaveral, Disney, and Howard’s Aunt Ida, with the world’s largest collection of diabetes candies. Plus when you’re hot and sweaty, her furniture covered in plastic is like a flume ride. Sheldon says that when he was a kid his family went on vacation to Florida, and a seagull stole his hotdog - he got the message.

Raj says that if he took a vacation, he’d go back to some resort in the desert - after an hour massage from Trevor, they have to pour you back into your complimentary robe. On the second take, he said after the massage it’s like you were born without bones. Howard says he’s not sure if he could ever get a massage from a man. Raj asks, “Then what was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing Xbox?” Howard says apparently not much, “it’s still killing me.”

On one take, Kunal said, “Then what was I doing to you last night while you were playing Xbox?” Then Simon said, “Apparently not much, my neck - wait - what?” And then when Kunal realized he’d said it wrong, and exactly what he’d said, he was really amused with himself. Plus after that Simon still messed up his line on a take or two, and he said “sorry,” and Jim commented “we’re all sorry.”

Sheldon says that people once tried to force Richard Feynman to take a vacation, but instead he went to work with his friend who was a biologist and expanded his mind. Then Sheldon explains to Howard that Feynman was a physicist who was involved with the Manhattan Project. Howard says that everyone in the science field knows who Feynman was. Sheldon says “and now you do too.”

Then Sheldon says oh, he has an idea, Amy is a biologist, he can go with her and work in her lab. Howard asks, wasn’t that Feynman’s idea? Sheldon says “Ten seconds ago you didn’t know who Feynman was, and now you’re an expert?”

SCENE 6

Sheldon and Amy are in her lab, wearing lab coats. Sheldon says his vacation is off to a great start - the smell of some chemical in the air, the whir of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of animals being distributed for dissection. Amy says she’s excited to work with her boyfriend, it will be romantic. Sheldon tells her way to kill the mood. Amy says it can be like Madame Curie and her husband Pierre, who worked together under the glow of her love and the radium that eventually killed her.

He asks what they’ll start with - splitting cells, cloning sheep, growing a human eat on a mouse’s back - “look at me, I’m a freak!” Amy says she’s going something with a brainstem, but Sheldon can get on the busy end of that sponge and go wash the beakers. Sheldon says he gets it, a little hazing for the new guy, should he keep an eye our for shoe polish on the microscope, some mad cow disease in his grilled cheese? Amy says no, she just needs those clean.

Sheldon asks, you have the great mind of Sheldon Cooper in your lab, and you’re having him do the dishes? It’s like asking The Hulk to open a pickle jar. Amy tells him he’s in an unfamiliar lab, and doesn’t have experience in the field of biology. Sheldon says he has plenty of experience with biology, he bought a Tamagotchi in 1998 (and he pulls it out of his pocket), and it’s still alive!

Since he’s wearing the lab coat, Jim has to lift it up to reach into pocket for the Tamagatchi, and since he was in a rush to grab it, it was kind of funny to watch. Mayim thought so too, cause she started laughing on one take. Jim said, “It would have been fine, but she broke it,” and then he said to you, “You need to control yourself.”

SCENE 7

Leonard’s eating in the cafeteria, and Raj comes up and joins him. Leonard asks where’s Howard. Raj says sure, no “hi Raj,” or “how’s it going?”, just “where’s the other white guy?” Leonard says sorry, then asks if he tells him something he’s heard, can Raj keep it between just the two of them? Raj says when he first got to America, he thought that all gossip really happened around the water cooler, so he hung around it for a month. But the only gossip he ever heard was about the creepy guy hanging around the water cooler.

Kunal kept tripping over that line, partially because he was adding an extra “about” in there. On one take, he got caught up on that word, and then just kept repeating it over and over. Johnny said something about English that I couldn’t catch, but then Kunal said, “English is tough.”

Plus on one take in there, when Johnny was leading in Kunal, instead of his line Johnny just said, “one more time,” and then the screens went black again. But I could hear Johnny say something about how he had something in his teeth, and “slimy little things,” and I think he said he almost spit up on the plates.

Leonard says he never knows what to do in situations like this, should he give Howard a head’s up? Raj says he’s going to tell him the same thing he yells at the TV during The Bachelor, “follow your heart.”

Then Howard comes up, excited about the huge rice krispie treat he just got, and it was regular price! (On the first take, when he sat down he knocked his fork and it flipped onto the floor, which was funnier because it was following all the earlier flubs in the scene.) Leonard says he has to tell Howard something. Howard says he knows, it’s not in his wedding diet. Leonard says no, he’s heard Bernadette wants him to sign a prenup.

Howard asks, a prenup? Wow. Leonard asks him what he’s going to do. Howard says he doesn’t know. Raj tells him to follow his heart. (On the first take, the audience laughter lasted so long here that Kunal finally smiled, and then Simon did.) Howard says it actually makes sense, she makes a lot more money than he does, she’s smart to protect her financial interests. Plus it might actually be good for both of them, he has his own interests to protect.

Raj asks like what. Howard says he’s got some rare comic books, his Vespa’s almost paid off, plus he and his mom and joint promo plots at Mt. Sinai cemetery next to the guy who was Mr Roper on Three’s Company. Raj asks, shocked, Mr. Roper is dead? And Jewish? “You can’t just spring that on a guy!” On the second take they cut the Jewish part of the line.

SCENE 8

Sheldon brings the tray of beakers to Amy, and says it’s the only lab with beakers cleaned by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order for Carl Sagan. Amy looks and says there are soap spots, wash them again. Sheldon says now she’s just being ridiculous. Amy picks one up and says that it used to hold spinal fluid from an elephant that died from syphilis, if it’s so clean, drink some water from it. Sheldon takes them back to the sink, but as he goes says “biologists are mean.”

Cut to later. They’re standing at one of the counters in the lab, and Sheldon says that there was something wrong with the detergent, there were too many bubbles. Amy says sure there was. Sheldon says that will be writing a strongly worded letter to the soap company. Amy says good for him.

She’s setting Petri dishes in front of a microscope, and says maybe this will be more his speed. She tells him to count the number of bacteria spores in each Petri dish. And there were another few lines to this part, and then Amy walks out to leave him to his counting, but I can’t remember what they were.

Cut to later again. Sheldon’s counting, 366, 367... Amy walks in and asks how the counting is going. Sheldon tells her that when he was in kindergarten, he recited pi to 1000 digits for his school’s talent show - he can handle the counting. Amy says good and walks back out. Sheldon looks back in the microscope, says drat, then starts counting all over - 1, 2, 3...

Cut again to later. Sheldon’s wiping something else clean, then turns to Amy, who’s working with a brain slice, and is basically frustrated that she keeps giving him little petty things to do. Amy says that she’s given him simple assignments, and he hasn’t done one of them correctly yet. Sheldon says that maybe it’s because he’s not being challenged, like how Einstein failed math. Amy says maybe the math was too bubbly for him.

Sheldon still wants to do more, but Amy says that she’s had years of biology experience - he’s been there for three hours, and he spent one of them in the bathroom. Sheldon says that it takes his system a while to get going on an unfamiliar toilet. And he says it’s not like she’s going science with slicing the brain - they do the same thing at Quiznos, and they’ll offer to toast it for him.

Amy finally tells him that she’s about to remove the something from the brain (which I can’t remember what it was called, so I’m just gonna refer to it as X), which is a very delicate process - then hands over the knife to Sheldon, and tells him to go for it.

Sheldon takes the knife, and leans over the brain, repeating X to himself, looking around. Amy tells him he’s getting closer, it is in the brain. His hands are shaking, and Amy asks if he’s nervous. Sheldon says no, what she’s seeing is a man trembling with confidence. She tells him she hopes he has a steady hand, because it’s only the width of a hair. Sheldon says that in the field of physics, they work with particles so small they make fat jokes about the X - “when the X sits around the house, it really sits AROUND the house.”

There might have been a little bit more to the back and forth, but finally Sheldon makes a cut. He asks of the X normally bleeds that much. Amy says no, but your thumb does. He straightens up and holds up his hand, so we see his bleeding thumb, and then faints. Amy says, “sure, you’re a biologist,” and goes to retrieve the first aid kit from the wall. (Mayim was unable to actually remove the kit from the wall on each of the three takes, but apparently it was enough to have Amy just reaching for it… though Mayim was laughing about it after.)

SCENE 9

Howard’s drinking at the Cheesecake Factory bar. Sheldon walks up and sits next to him. Howard asks what he’s doing there. Sheldon says that he’s on his vacation, it’s social convention to visit the local watering hole - just another reason to hate social convention. (On the first take I think he ended by saying something about another reason he hates vacations.) Howard asks Sheldon what happened to his thumb, which is bandaged up.. Sheldon says he has ten fingers and ten toes, and they’ll be there forever if he tells a story about each one.

The bartender asks what he wants, and Sheldon says since he’s on vacation, a Pina Colada sounds appropriate - extra pineapple slices, extra whipped cream, extra cherries, extra umbrellas, hold the rum. On the first take, Jim forgot to mention the umbrellas. On a different take, he skipped the pineapple slices, then got to the end and said, “I forgot something.” (And a few people in the audience called out “pineapple slices!”).

Penny walks up and asks what the two of them are going there. Howard says they’re grown men, they drink at bars. Penny says no and no. She asks Howard if everything is okay with him and Bernadette. He says yes. Penny asks Sheldon if things are good with him and Amy, and he says of course. Penny tells them, you do know those girls text me every detail of their lives, the second it happens.

She turns to Howard, and tells him that he will sign anything that Bernadette puts in front of him, because he is the luckiest guy in the world, and if he lets her go he will never find another woman, and she is speaking on behalf of all the women in the world, they had a meeting. Then she turns on Sheldon, but before she starts he says he’d love to hear the advice that a food services worker has for a physicist struggling with biology. Penny says she doesn’t have advice for him, just “ha ha, you cut your thumb and fainted!” Then pulls out her phone to show the pictures that Amy sent.

After a couple takes, they changed it so when Penny turns to Sheldon, she tells him she can’t believe he fainted at just a little blood. Sheldon says it wasn’t just a little blood, and starts to unwrap his thumb to show her, but then faints at the sight of it again. Penny and Howard just watch him fall.

SCENE 10

Amy’s in her lab, Sheldon knocks at the open door (Amy… Amy… Amy). Amy asks if he thinks he can just waltz back in there after how he acted yesterday. Sheldon says he was hoping that he could continue his vacation in her lab… he did book the whole week. Amy tells him that’s not an apology. Sheldon says that’s her opinion. Amy says that she wants a real apology. Sheldon starts, “I’m sorry that you -” Amy cuts him off and says no. “I’m sorry my genius -” “No.” “I’m sorry the soap -” “No.” Finally Sheldon simply says, “Sorry.” (And I want to note that Sheldon truly does seem sorry.) (On one take, Jim forgot one of the lines, and just said, “oh s---,” which the audience loved.)

Amy thanks him, and says he can start by rewashing those beakers from yesterday. Sheldon goes to the sink, but as he passes her tells her that next year he’s going to Epcot.

SCENE 11

Howard and Bernadette in her car (again, filmed earlier, reenacted for us). Bernadette asks if he’s mad, and he says no, but he wishes that she’d told him, or handled it differently, or something like that. He asks if she really wants him to sign it, and she says she doesn’t know, but her dad’s being firm on it. Howard says maybe he can talk to her dad, man to man. Bernadette says really, that’d be great?

She says that there are a few things he should know, though. He’s a retired police officer, but he still wears his gun - though he won’t use it, it’s just a fashion statement. And she rattles off a long list of topics that Howard should avoid bringing up, the last of which is that he’s Jewish. And she says that if her dad is yelling at him, that’s good, but if he gets quiet, then back away slowly and don’t make eye contact. Don’t run straight, though, through in some zigs and zags. Howard says this isn’t really that pressing, he can talk to him later in May. Bernadette says that Howard’s going to be on the space station in May. Howard says they’ve got a phone up there.