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Here it is, Shiny Trinket Maneuver! As always, please credit me if you share this anywhere else.

SCENE 1

Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment - Leonard, Howard, and Raj are sitting around the kitchen counter, magic tricks spread out. Howard lifts an empty box, and asks Leonard to confirm that it is empty. Leonard says yes, nothing but a wasted childhood. Howard takes it back, and says “Snarky, cello lessons.” Howard places the box over a metal tube, then lift the tube and asks Raj to confirm that it’s completely ordinary. Raj says it looks ordinary, but he senses that it is dripping with potential magic.

Howard places the tube back in the box, and Sheldon walks in from the hallway, saying that he leaves for a few minutes to empty his bowels and catch up on the latest adventures of the caped crusader, and he returns to find his apartment is turned into a… cabaret, I think it was. Leonard says that Howard’s just practicing some magic tricks for his cousin’s birthday party. Howard says, like he was saying, completely ordinary box and tube, but… and he pulls out a jar with a goldfish from inside them. Raj takes it and tells Howard that there’s a spot on the Hogwarts Express with his name on it.

Sheldon asks, that’s how you’re going to entertain your cousin and his friends? With lies? Howard says no, magic tricks. Sheldon says that lying is an inherent part of magic tricks - this is a completely ordinary hat, pick any card of your own free will, there aren’t any keys jammed up my rectum. Raj tells Sheldon not to look behind the man’s curtain, or up his butt.

Sheldon says that showing children magic tricks leads to adults who believe in astrology, and homeopathy, and that Ryan Reynolds makes a better Green Lantern than Nathan Fillion. Leonard says that he’s just showing some 8 year olds some magic tricks, no one’s going to end up thinking that Green Lantern was a good movie.

Howard says that’s okay, Sheldon can be crabby when he has a quarter stuck in his ear! And he of course pulls our a quarter. Sheldon says that coins stuck in body cavities isn’t humorous, just ask any emergency room doctor. Then his line was changed to it isn’t humorous, when he was 5, a kid stuck a Mexican peso up his nose. Howard asks what isn’t humorous about that? Sheldon says it’s still there, it takes him 45 minutes to get through airport security. Sheldon storms out down the hallway, and Howard says, “Look, I made Sheldon disappear!” Leonard tells him next time he should open with that.

SCENE 2

Sheldon and Amy are at a table at the Cheesecake Factory. Penny walks up and says that it’s Pasadena’s favorite power couple - Shamy! She asks if they’re celebrating anything special. Amy says yes, according to their relationship agreement, the second Thursday of every month, or third if there are 5 Thursdays that month, is date night. Penny says “that is so hot” before walking away.

Sheldon says to Amy that the minutes from the last date have been read and agreed upon, then asks her if she has anything new. She asks how his day was. He says excellent, that morning he made a palindrome with his alphabits - “Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.” Amy says she actually has something exciting, her latest paper is going to be on the cover of Neuron. Sheldon says, speaking of exciting, guess who hit 100 followers on twitter? And he pulls out his phone to show her. Amy tells Sheldon that she’s been dreaming about this (her accomplishment) her whole life. Sheldon says him too, three digits, it feels good!

Amy tells him that she’s the sole author on a paper being published in a leading journal that could change the course of her field - doesn’t he have anything to add to that? Sheldon says no, he thinks she got everything. Then he gets distracted when he hits 101 followers.

Penny (who had been listening nearby) walks up and asks if they’re ready to order. On the first take, Amy says no, she lost her appetite, and she stands and leaves. Sheldon said that’s odd, then asks Penny what the specials are. On the second, she said she needs a few minutes to wash up, and then leaves. Sheldon said that’s odd, they both washed up already, and decides it must be a euphemism for urination.

Penny asks Sheldon what is wrong with him. Sheldon says not much, although he does have a larger than usual affinity for koala bears - he doesn’t know what it is, but something inside him melts when he sees them with their eucalyptus. Penny tells him that Amy had big news, and he acted like it didn’t matter. Sheldon says oh, he sees Penny’s confusion, but Amy’s paper was in biology, so it’s really not a big deal. Then his line was changed to it was in biology, which is squishy and yucky. Penny tells him that Amy’s upset, and as her boyfriend, he’s supposed to be excited about the things that she’s excited about.

Sheldon asks what if he’s not excited at all? Penny tells him to smile and think about koala bears. Sheldon says that won’t work, they go to the zoo all the time, she knows his koala smile. Then Sheldon pulls out his phone again, and says 102 followers!, he’s going to tweet them to a palindrome. On the last take, instead of pulling out his phone, Sheldon tells Penny “this is my koala smile” and then demonstrates. (Right before the camera cut out, it looked like Kaley was about to crack up laughing.)

SCENE 3

Sheldon’s sitting in his spot, playing a video game - his character is just walking down the street of an old west town. Leonard walks in and asks, you’re playing Red Dead Redemption? Sheldon says yes. Leonard asks why isn’t he playing a quest, he’s just wandering around in. Sheldon said that he had a rough night, he decided to take a walk to clear his head. Leonard says most people would do that outside. Sheldon says, at 9, in Pasadena? The streets would be filled with drunk sailors and something else I forgot.

Sheldon says he’s going to drown his sorrows in the saloon. Leonard tells him that virtual alcohol is never the answer. Leonard asks if Sheldon and Amy had a fight, and Sheldon tells him that Amy had a fight, he was being reasonable. Sheldon says he’s getting a Whisky, and asks if Leonard wants anything. Leonard first just said no, then it was changed to no, he’s going to play Grand Theft Auto later.

Leonard starts to say that he’s no expert on women… Sheldon says you could say that. Leonard says he’s just trying to help. Sheldon apologizes, and says it was the alcohol talking. Leonard tells Sheldon that in situations like this you need to listen to why she’s upset, and show that you care. Sheldon nixes that, and asks what else Leonard has. Leonard says he could buy her something. Sheldon’s intrigued and asks how that works. Leonard say you skip the whole repairing the emotional relationship, and just buy her something superficial to get her back. Sheldon says that sounds like it has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.

When they did it a second time, Johnny stumbled over the start of his response to Sheldon asking about buying something, and finally said, “I don’t know anything about women.” The assistant director came up with the script so Johnny could read the line, and Johnny asked, “Where have you been all my life?” Then Johnny flubbed the line another two times before he got it.

SCENE 4

Howard and Bernadette are in his room, going through his magic tricks. Bernadette comments that he has a lot, and Howard says that he started as a teenager - he thought he’d show girls a few tricks, then invite them up to his bedroom for the rest of the show. Bernadette asks if it ever worked. Howard holds up a magic wand and says that it was the only wand that ever saw any action, then the wand collapses. He pulls out a couple of shiny purple vests and hands one to Bernadette, saying that his mom made them for them to wear. Bernadette likes the fabric, and asks where she got it. Howard says she cut up one of her old bathing suits, and she also made half a dozen napkins.

Mrs. Wolowitz yells to ask if Bernadette’s tried on the vest yet. Howard says he just gave it to her. His mother says she hopes it fits - Bernadette has a tricky figure, “short and stacked like me!” Howard says “not like you, she doesn’t stand on hers!”

Bernadette says that maybe she’s not the best person to be his assistant. Howard says she’ll be fine, then asks her to pass the ring. She does, and he says see, she nailed it! Bernadette says she’s not good with kids. Howard says it’s just because she hasn’t been around them, and they’re great, and it’ll be good practice for when they have their own. Bernadette, slightly uncomfortable, say sure. Howard then pulls a trick down from the top of his closet, and tells her he hasn’t seen this in years - it’s a dove pan. He opens it and shows her how it’s empty, but really there’s a hidden compartment in the lid. He replaces the lid, then lifts it up again, and a bunch of white feathers fly out, and he hastily replaces the lid, and tells Bernadette not to look in there.

SCENE 5 (PRE-TAPED)

Howard’s performing his magic tricks for a small group of kids outside, with Bernadette there. He shows them how all the rings are now back together, but the kids aren’t impressed. Howard says that he gave Bernadette a magic ring that makes his money disappear. One of the kids asks when they get cake. Bernadette testily says when the Great Howdini finishes his performance. The kid says that he wants cake now. Bernadette walks towards the kid, and I forgot what she was saying, but Howard stops her and pulls her back, but she motions that she’s still watching him (two fingers at her eyes, then pointing at him).

Howard asks her to hand him the pitcher of milk, and another kid pipes up that he knows how this trick is done. Bernadette tells the kid to be quiet, but he says that it’s a fake pitcher, and then pulls out his phone to show he googled it. Bernadette tells him that he doesn’t get any cake now, then asks the rest of the kids if they want to lose their cake. Howard says no, everyone still gets cake, but Bernadette points and says “not that one!” Howard gets them back on track, and continues with the trick - he rolls up some newspaper and puts it down the front of his pants, and says he hopes this work because he didn’t bring spare clothes. He has Bernadette pour the milk down the newspaper, and it ends up running down his pants, and he says wrong pitcher.

SCENE 6

Howard and Bernadette in a car, Bernadette driving (it was taped yesterday, but reenacted once through for us at center stage). Bernadette spoke first, I think something about how she’d told him she doesn’t like kids. Howard’s uncomfortable in his pants, and says he thinks his crotch is curdling. Bernadette says that her mom worked full time, so it was up to her to watch her brothers and sisters. Howard asks, so? Bernadette says it was horrible - “‘I don’t want to get dressed! He spit in my mouth! That’s not how mom makes waffles!’ Put your hand here, see how you like that waffle!” Howard says it’ll be different when it’s their own kid. Bernadette says sure, when it ruins her body, and she doesn’t have a career, or a life, or anything to look forward to in the next 20 years. Howard says yeah.

Then the director yelled “Speedbump!” (and they jumped), “and cut!”

SCENE 7

Sheldon and Penny enter a jewelry store. (Side note, but when I entered the soundstage, the back of some of the set walls were marked with “2 Broke Girls jewelry store.” I haven’t really been watching the other show, so I couldn’t compare, but I guess they reused a set, or at least part of it.)

Sheldon asks, do you really think that there’s anything here that Amy will like more than the humidifier we were jut looking at at Sears? On the first take, Penny simply said yes. Then it was changed to “call me crazy.” Sheldon asks if it’d change her answer to know that Amy has chronic sinusitis and a problem with drainage? Penny says it does, to ugh yes.

Then it was changed to Sheldon stating that he doesn’t think there’s anything here Amy would like more than the humidifier, and in response Penny said now she knows how she sounds to him when she says stupid things.

Sheldon is distracted by pocket watches, and Penny says she doesn’t think Amy wants a pocket watch. Sheldon says not for Amy, for me; I can get one, forget her, and call it a day. Then his line was changed to asking, who said anything about Amy? Then it was changed again to no, but maybe she wants a boyfriend with a pocket watch. In response to the last one, Penny says he’s saying stupid things again.

Penny asks if Amy likes bracelets. Sheldon says that she is fond of her silver one that say allergic to penicillin - maybe a fancy version of that. A employee comes up and asks if he can help with anything, maybe a ring for the lady? Penny snorts and says they’re not together. Sheldon asks why she gets to snort in derision, she’d be lucky to have him as a boyfriend. Penny tells him fine, go ahead. So Sheldon snorts and says they’re not together.

Penny tell the man that Sheldon got in a fight with his girlfriend. On the first take, he asked how big a fight, does he need to open the safe? Then it was changed to him saying that arguments with girlfriends put his daughter through USC. He pulls out some jewelry to show them, and Penny picks one up and asks if it’s diamonds. He say yes, and rattles off the details.

Sheldon says diamonds, made from carbon. People go to the grocery store and bring home bags full of carbon, which they throw away, or use to build a fire. But jut because his carbon atoms are lined up nearly, he’s asking for thousands of dollars. The man says no, just $750, everything’s on sale. Sheldon says “talk to me about this pocket watch,” and walks back towards those.

SCENE 8

Guys’ apartment - Leonard, Howard, and Raj are playing Jenga. Howard says he still can’t wrap his mind around it, he always thought he’d be a dad. Raj says him too, Howard’s so caring, he always pictured him helping guide a boy into manhood. Leonard says that Raj can have Howard’s children, problem solved. Raj says that showing you care for a man isn’t the same as the love that isn’t named (the first time Kunal tried to say this line, he ended up laughing, and said something like “that’s so wrong”).

Then Raj asks if Bernadette really said she doesn’t want kids. Howard says yeah, then says that after his cousin saves enough to finish the rest of his gender reassignment surgery, he’ll be the last living male Wolowitz. Later it was changed so Raj asked if Bernadette really doesn’t like kids, and Howard replies yes, and by the looks of things they don’t like her either.

I think first here Leonard tells Howard he should tell Bernadette how he feels, but then it was changed to him asking what Howard’s going to do. Howard says he’s always wanted kids, everyone has kids, even Donkey Kong had Donkey Kong Jr. to teach how to kidnap princesses, and throw barrels at small plumbers. Leonard says that you won’t necessarily like your own kids. Raj say that’s harsh, and asks where he’s getting that from. Leonard says straight from the dust jacket of his mom’s latest book.

Howard says that maybe they’re just not meant to be. Leonard says he would tell Howard that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but he’s seen Howard dangle his hook for years, “do not throw her back.” Howard says he doesn’t want to, but this is a deal breaker. Raj asks how his mom will react. Howard says cancelling the wedding will kill her. But on the other hand, not getting grandkids would also kill her. So either way, he’s golden on the mom front.

SCENE 9

Sheldon and Penny in Penny’s apartment. Sheldon asks when Amy’s coming, and Penny says around 8. Sheldon asks what she told Amy. There’s a knock at the door, and as Penny goes to answer she says just to come over so they’d hang and talk. Sheldon say good, if she said something more intelligent Amy might be suspicious.

On the first time, I think Mayim knocked too early or something, and then knocked again, because Kaley stopped on her way to answer the door when she got to Jim; Jim asked “Why were there so many knocks?” and Kaley said, “It scared me!” They reset to do it again, but for some reason Jim ended up laughing again as Kaley passed him to open the door. And as they got ready again, Jim told Mayim, “Try not to mess it up this time.” But before they could do it again, the director came over to give them some notes, and Jim commented that now they really messed thing up. Then when they were finally getting ready to do it again, Jim and Kaley were talking back and forth a bit, and Jim said, “That was more bad directing than bad acting,” and Kaley said, “You’re so getting fired now.”

When they were finally able to move on, Penny answers the door, and Amy come in and asks what Sheldon’s doing there. Penny says he wants to talk. Amy says she doesn’t want to talk to him, “and I’m not happy with you either, but we both know that won’t last.” Penny tells Sheldon he’s up. Sheldon says that he wants to apologize and congratulate her on her accomplishment, and smiles. Amy says they both know that’s his koala smile, and Sheldon turns to Penny and says “told you!”

Penny says, look, he bought you something!, and hands Amy a small bag. Amy asks, really?, and says he’s the most self-centered person she knows, does he really think that another gift with - oh, it’s a tiara!! She freaks out over it, and goes to Penny and asks her to put it on her, so Penny does and tell her she looks beautiful, and Amy says, “of course I do, I’m a princess with a tiara!” Amy turns to Sheldon and kisses him (pretty short kiss), then wraps her arms around him in a tight hug. He gently hugs her back, then tells Penny over her shoulder that she was right, the tiara was a bit much.

On the first take, after they cut Kaley walked up behind Mayim and joined in on the hug, so Mayim was sandwiched between her and Jim. Then on the second take, Jim was smiling a bit as Mayim hugged him in the end of the scene.

SCENE 10

Howard’s in his room, practicing a card trick. Mrs. Wolowitz yells that Bernadette’s here… but Bernadette walks into his room, and then Mrs. Wolowitz says she snuck right past her. Bernadette says tells Howard she came to return the vest. Howard tell her she can keep it and wear it again later. Bernadette asks for what? On the first take, Howard said jogging at night. Later his answer changed to hunting.

Mrs. Wolowitz yells to talk to Bernadette about this thing where she’s not getting grandkids. Howard yells that he will, when he finds the right moment to bring up the sensitive topic! Bernadette asks, you talked to your mom? Howard say he was upset, and she’s a good shoulder to cry on, if the smell of something doesn’t make your eye burn.

Bernadette says that she knows this kid thing is important to him, and she thinks she’s come up with a solution. Howard asks what, and she says that since she makes a lot more money than him anyway, she’ll keep working, and he can stay home with the kids. He’ll watch Barney, and pull Cheerios out of their nose, and go on play dates, while she goes to work and talks to people her own age and has a life. She asks if that sounds good, and he hesitantly say sure. She asks if they’re okay, and he smiles and says yes. Bernadette says she’s not sure if this counted as a fight, but make up sex? On the first take, Howard suggests they just cuddle tonight, and leans his head against her shoulder. Then it was changed, so he says that sounds good, but what’s this behind her ear - it’s a condom! (A much better ending, cause the first one definitely fell flat.)