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Old 11-17-2010, 02:35 AM
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Title - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis

Scene 1 - Guys apartment

The four guys are eating take-out, and no one’s talking. Sheldon looks around, and asks isn’t the point of a communal meal that they talk and share their ideas and thoughts about their day. Leonard says yes, but Sheldon put a damper on things when he said that the next person to talk with food in their mouth dies.

Sheldon says that they could argue all day over who said what, but moving on, he proposes a new discussion topic - what’s the best number. And he tells them that there’s only one right answer.

Raj guesses 5,318,008. Sheldon says no. The correct answer is 73. The guys don’t really react. Sheldon says, you’re probably wondering why, and they’re all no, not really.

Sheldon says that 73 is the 21st prime number. And it’s mirror, 37, is the 12th prime number. And the mirror of 12, 21, is the product of 7 times 3. And 73 in binary, 1001001, is a palindrome, reading the same backwards and forwards.

Raj says that when you put 5,318,008 in a calculator, and turn it upside-down, it spells “boobies.”

Leonard turns to Howard, and asks, remember how you were wondering why the girls didn’t want to eat dinner with us? And Howard was like yeah, I get it.

Scene 2 - Some bar/restaurant

Penny, Bernadette, and Amy are all eating at a table. Penny comments that she likes Bernadette’s heart-shaped locket. Bernadette says thanks, and that every time she has dinner at Howard’s with his mom, he gives her a piece of jewelry the next day.

Amy informs them that the symbolic heart shape is not based on the actual human heart, but rather the shape of a woman’s buttocks when she bends over. On the first takes, Penny said, “So in 7th grade I dotted my I’s with little asses? Cool.” Then it was replaced by Penny saying, “So I’ve got a shirt that says ‘I Ass New York.’”

Then Zack comes in, carrying a package, and says hi to Penny, who says hi back, and asks what he’s doing there. He says that his dad makes their menus, and he’s just dropping off the new ones - on the first take, he said that these spell broccoli correctly without a K, even though it sounds like a K, right? Then it was changed to him saying that these were laminated, cause it made them easier to clean when someone threw up on them.

Penny introduces him to Bernadette and Amy. Bernadette says hi, and Amy says a high-pitched “Whooo,” and then looks startled, like, where’d that come from?

Zack takes the menus up to the bar, and Bernadette asks Penny how she knows him. Penny says they went out a few times. Bernadette says she’s often confused by current slang, and asks if “went out” means “had intercourse.” Bernadette nods yes. Penny starts to say that it doesn’t… but in this case, it does. Amy asks why she stopped seeing him, and if the intercourse was bad. Penny says no, it was great, but he didn’t challenge her on an intellectual level.

On the first take for this scene, there was as guy in the audience who laughed REALLY loud after Kaley said that last line. Like, there was moderate laughter from everyone, but his laugh was almost over-the-top. Kaley heard him, and it threw her off, and she started laughing and was looking back towards the audience. (The restaurant was set up, from he audience POV, to the far right of the stage, on the other side of the guys’ apartment.)

Bernadette asks Penny why she didn’t fool around with him, and then listen to NPR. First Penny’s response was that she didn’t think of that. Then it was changed to Penny saying that Zack couldn’t spell NPR. Bernadette says that that’s what she does with Howard; she’s smarter than him, but he needs to protect his manhood.

Zack drops some menus, and when he leans over to pick them up Bernadette sees him, and lets out another high “Whooo.” Bernadette asks her what’s wrong. Amy says that she feels flushed, her heart rate is increasing, her palms are sweaty, and she is involuntarily saying “Whooo.” Penny looks back at Zack, and then smiles knowingly and says, “I think I know what it is.” Amy says she knows too - she’s caught the flu, and has a sudden onset of Turrets.

Scene 3 - Caltech cafeteria

Leonard, Raj, and Howard are at a table. Howard asks if they heard about the accident in one of the labs, and they say no. Howard tells them that basically a guy got bit by a radioactive rat. Raj asks if the guy got superpowers. Howard says no, he got 5 stitches and a tetanus shot.

Raj says that’s disappointing, and Leonard asks why. Raj says that if you get bit by a radioactive animal, you’d expect to get super powers. Howard says yeah, but who would want to be Ratman? Raj asks who wouldn’t want to be Ratman? You can go through mazes really fast, squeeze through small holes, and close down restaurants in a single bound.

Howard repeats, close restaurants in a single bound? Raj says that all superheroes do things in a single bound. And he says that if he were Ratman, Howard would be his sidekick, Mouse Boy. Howard says no, he wouldn’t, and Raj asks if he’d rather be Kid Vermin. Howard says that Raj would be his sidekick, not the other way around. They argue over that a little, then ask Leonard who would be the superhero and who would be the sidekick. Leonard looks back and forth between them, then says, “12 years out of high school, and I’m still sitting at the nerd table.”

Scene 4 - Amy’s lab

Amy’s slicing a brain, while Sheldon’s eating his lunch. He tells her that she’s slicing it too thin. She says that if she were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos, it’d be too thin, but for examining it under a microscope it’s fine. Sheldon basically says okay then, if fine is doing it wrong. Amy tells Sheldon that if he dies and donates his body to science, she’ll slice his brain like Canadian bacon.

For some reason, Jim had a hard time getting going with this scene. Twice they started, and before he even tried his line he just apologized, and they started over.

She then says that she needs to check her temperature, and does so with an ear thermometer. Sheldon asks if she’s tracking her circadian rhythm to find at which time her brain capacity (or something like that) is highest, and he did that once as a kid, then he sighs and says “Ah, youth.” She says no, she was having some odd symptoms the night before, and was trying to figure out what they were.

Sheldon offers to help her make a chart to figure things out, and she says sure, sounds like fun. He asks her what her symptoms were, and she says sweaty palms, increased heart, and localized vascular throbbing. Sheldon asks where this throbbing occurred, and she says in her ears and… I can’t remember what the wording she used was, but basically down there. Sheldon says odd, those aren’t two places that usually sync up.

He asks her about any environmental factors, and she says that she was eating with Penny and Bernadette, then Penny introduced them to Zack, and she said “Whooo.” Sheldon asks, who? And Amy says Zack. And then they go back and forth a little, with lots of confusion arising from Amy saying “Whooo” being misunderstood as asking “Who?”

Finally Sheldon says that he has enough information. From most to least likely, he says the possibilities are thyroid problems, early menopause, an alien parasite, or, and he’s only including this to be thorough, sexual arousal. Amy asks, but where could she have caught an alien parasite?

Scene 5 - Caltech cafeteria

Raj is getting something out of the bending machines, when Howard comes up, carrying a closed jar, and asks Raj what he’s most afraid of. Raj lists a few things, of which I can only remember nuclear war. Howard says no, but the one thing that they both know Raj is really scared of. Raj says well, diabetes runs in his family.

Howard says no, spiders, and he’s got a big one in the jar. He sets it on a table, puts his hand in, and says that the first person to take their hand out is a sidekick. Raj asks why that proves anything, and Howard says that one day the only way to save the world might be to keep your hand in a jar with a spider. Raj then sort of turns it around on Howard, asking, well, what if this other situation were to happen, and you needed to do this to save the world… The details of which I’m completely blanking on (the scene was only done once), but it was something Howard had an aversion to; Howard scoffed, and was like yeah, like that would happen.

Raj ends up agreeing to put his hand in, which surprises Howard, who asks when he got so brave. Raj says it’s because the spider’s out of the jar, and crawling up Howard’s arm. Then one of the crew snuck up briefly to set a big spider (a tarantula?) on Howard’s arm, and it crawled up, and ended up on his upper back. Howard was trying to get it back in the jar, and Raj is sort of freaking out watching.

Scene 6 - Amy’s lab

Amy gives Sheldon some the results of some of here tests, and he crosses some of the possibilities off of the board. He asks about one of the other tests, but she replies firmly that she’s not in menopause. He asks if she’s sure, because that response was awfully snippy.

She says that they have to accept it - she had a sexual arousal to Zack. Sheldon says that he doesn’t think they’ve explored the alien parasite hypothesis enough yet. Amy says that it makes sense - she has a stomach, so she gets hungry. She has genitals, which opens the possibility of sexual arousal. Sheldon nods and says that’s a cross that they all must bear.

He tells her that when he faces such problems, he turns to a force greater than himself. Amy asks, religion? Sheldon says no, Star Trek. He asks if she’s seen Star Trek: The Motion Picture; she says no, and he says don’t, it’s not good. But in the movie it was revealed that when Spock finds his human emotions starting to take over, he turns to the Vulcan mind whatever-it-was-called, which allowed him to control his feelings.

Amy asks, so I should rely on cheap science fiction? First, Sheldon’s response was that Tom Cruise does. Then instead, he took offence at her working, and closed his eyes to use the Vulcan mind thing to relax.

Amy asks if Sheldon’s response has anything to do with jealousy, and he says that he hadn’t considered that. He takes a moment to consider, and then says no, it doesn’t. She asks if that’s because he can’t feel jealousy, or if he’s suppressing it. Sheldon doesn’t answer, and instead stands and says that he’s going to eat his lunch at home. He grabs a plate and puts it in the travel container, but she tells him that he’s grabbed the brain slices instead of his good, He switches them, saying that his mistake was understandable given how the brain was cut wrong.

Scene 7 - Laundry room

Penny’s folding clothes when Sheldon comes in. She asks why he’s there, cause it’s not his usual laundry night, and he said that the store was out of his regular laundry softener. If the softener he bought made his clothes too soft or too hard, he needed to have time to correct. Penny said, that’s thinking ahead. Sheldon says yes, the opposite would be thinking behind, which is reminiscing.

Penny asks how things are going with Amy, and Sheldon says that she’s changed, and he might have to let her go. He thought that she was an intelligent being, like himself, but it turns out she’s controlled by her primitive urges, like Penny. Penny says she’s going to just ignore that insult. Sheldon asks, what insult?, and Penny says exactly.

Penny says, so Amy’s, what’s the scientific word for it… And Sheldon says forget science, she’s horny. And there’s nothing he can do about it. Penny says well… there is something you could do to help her. Sheldon says, but it’s illegal to spray humans. Penny says that’s not what she had in mind. Sheldon says “Oh… OH!” And he says that he was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but he might as well get it over with now.

He leaves and tells Penny thanks, and he’ll let her know how it goes. Penny says no, he doesn’t have to do that. As she goes back to folding her laundry, she says something like, oh Amy, you lucky girl.

Scene 8 - Guy’s apartment

Sheldon’s on the phone, in front of his computer. He introduces himself as Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and asks if he is speaking to the Zack Johnson that used to have coitus with his neighbor Penny. It’s not, so he hangs up, looks up the next number, and tries again. He basically asks the same thing, then explains that coitus is sexual intercourse, and comments that he thinks he has the right Zack. He says yes, Shelly’s fine. Yes, it does sound like a girl’s name. No, that doesn’t bother him. Yes, Smelly Shelly does bother him. He asks if Zack would be interested in coitus with Amy Farah Fowler. Yes, that is a girl’s name. Then Sheldon says it’s like talking to a dolphin.

Scene 9 - Same bar/restaurant as before

Sheldon and Amy enter, Sheldon complaining about the stamp on his hand, and how they shouldn’t be allowed to mark people like that. Amy says that she’s sure it will wash off later, but Sheldon says that doesn’t help him tonight.

Sheldon asks Amy if she’s sure she wants to do this. She says that she doesn’t want to, but she has to. So she walks towards Zack, Sheldon watches her go, then looks back at the stamp on his hand and says that it’s never going to come off.

Amy walks up to Zack, gets his attention, and then introduces herself, saying that they met the other night. On the first take, Mayim barely got through this first line before she started laughing. But Amy continues, saying something like she’s always lived her life focused on intellect, and based on logic. But there she is, standing in front of him, 130 pounds of pure estrogen, wanting nothing more than to grab his gluteus maximus and make what Shakespeare called the double backed beast.

On the first takes, Zack just stared at her, but then later instead he asked, “My gluteus what?” Then Amy basically says that now that she’s seen his ape-like expression, she’s over it. So she thanks him, and shakes his hand, but when their hands touch she says “Whooo” again, and then is wobbling as she walks back to Sheldon, and mutters “that should hold be for a while.” Before he leaves, Sheldon looks at Zack, and gives him the Vulcan salute.

Scene 10 - Gymnasium

Raj and Howard are wearing wrestling outfits, standing ready to fight on a mat, while Leonard’s looking at them and asking if they’re really going to use this to decide who’s the sidekick. Raj asks Howard when they’ll know to start, and asks if they’ll go on the count of three, but Howard says that’s for little kids. Then something else is suggested, but Howard says that’s for footraces, and they’d have to go outside to race.

Raj says he can’t go outside, he forgot his jacket. Howard asks what kind of superhero doesn’t go outside without a jacket. Raj says the one who wants to fight crime without getting the sniffles. Then the line was changed to Raj just asking, what kind of superhero calls “dibbs on the red tights! dibs on the red tights!” (Howard was wearing red wrestling rights, and Raj was wearing blue.)

Howard says they’ll just do ready, go! Raj asks if that’s what Howard’s going to say when they start, or if they’re already started - Howard says they’re starting. So they start to circle around each other on the mat. They start to rush towards each other, then they both back off, and circle again. Leonard says that he guesses there are worse things he could be doing on a Friday night… though he can’t think of any of them at the moment.

Little bit later….

Raj and Howard are still circling each other. Howard says that he’s legally obligated to tell Raj that he took a karate class when he was 11, and he’d be a lot farther along if his mom had organized the car pool. Raj says that he’s been taking some other class, and his abs look like the sections of a Hershey’s candy bar. Leonard’s still standing just watching, and says that it’s been 30 minuets, and neither of them have touched the other one yet.

Still later….

Leonard’s now curled up asleep on a stack of mats at the back of the gym, while Howard and Raj are still just moving around. Raj tells Howard that he can’t win, and Howard says he prefers to view it as he can’t lose, and does a tumble/roll. They end up going back and forth with various insults, and Raj calls to Leonard to wake up, cause he’s missing some really good verbal sparring.

Scene 11 - Sidewalk outside

Sheldon and Amy are walking back from the restaurant, and Sheldon is saying how he’s glad Amy changed her mind. She takes a hold of his hand, and he asks what she’s doing. She says an experiment. They walk a few more steps, and then she lets go, saying nope, nothing.
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