Fan Forum - You know you're obsessed with QaF when… #3

*Clears throat bashfully and hopes you will indulge an extremely verbose entry. I am emotionally vomiting my grief and anger. Thanks in advance for bearing with me.*

It’s been a loooooooong time since I’ve posted on a QAF message board. I guess I should begin by saying…

Hi. My name is Beth and I’m a Brianholic. I was on the wagon from 2005 – August 2017. I fell off with an astroidal impact and have been in an out of control heart-broken spiral of devastation for Brian and betrayal by Justin, Lyndsay, Michael, and therefore Cowlip ever since. I’ve read what I could find online from 12-13 years ago to help me process and mourn season 5 (and because cowlip soooo destroyed Brian’s future I’m mourning all of the seasons).

I found 510 Commentary - Escape from reality which I remember reading back in 2005. There’s not too much left online any longer but more than I thought there actually would be. Jane, Larissa, Larissa’s kitty Draco, and of course, BBJFE have helped me tremendously. However, the experience has been surreal due to the passing years. I never followed Jane toooo closely during the show’s actual run because I was one of those spoiler virgins at the time and could read her stuff only with my hands over my eyes through the gaps between my fingers to steal those terrifying peaks of future plots/episodes.

Now it’s like finding ancient Sanskrit. I’m reading a time capsule – a captured moment of time. I’m experiencing current pain and commiserating with the authors but their pain is 12-13 years old. Mine is new. I can’t participate in the discussions/rants/sobs. I sob alone and laugh alone as I read their words because I can relate to every nuance the authors and commentors had made. But…I’m reading recorded history and the recorders are no longer there.

I’m confessing to you now that I deserve what’s happening to me since Aug 2017 because of what I did back then. Jane’s journal actually had a bit to do with my decision in 2005.
When I first heard about QAF on the radio it was 2001. I was intrigued by the description so I went home ordered Showtime and binged the first season and half of the second season until I was current. I instantly fell in love with Brian Kinney. I didn’t understand why at the time but have since figured it out (I’ll explain that in a moment). I laughed and cried with the boys right up until ep 122. THEN I BAWLED. FOR. DAYS. I immediately moved onto 201 to make sure Justin was alive. Then, I must have re-watched ep 122 about 7 times in a row. I saw their breath-taking dance and Brian in the hospital about 36 times before I could move on to season 2. At some point in the middle of my hysteria I found myself thanking God that I was actually able to move directly on to ep 201. I could simply not IMAGINE what it must have been like to have had to wait a seeming eternity for the next season to find out Justin’s fate (and of course, Brian’s fate).

However, I DID have to wait for seasons 3, 4, and 5. Like the rest of the fandom it drove me to the brink of madness. The anticipation was nothing I had experienced before and it was torture (and not in a positive and life affirming way).The waiting between seasons was pure agony. Of course, I hopped on all the boards, passionately participated in all the debates/discussions (though I can’t remember my user name for the life of me), read copious amounts of fanfic, actually met up with local fans who shared my B/J obsession, yada, yada, yada. My ritual was cancelling Showtime at the end of each season and reordering it at the beginning of the next. I NEVER allowed myself spoilers because it ruined the viewing for me when the eps actually aired.

However, by the time season 4 ended I really was emotionally worn out. I couldn’t face another hiatus in suspense. So, with much trepidation I began to just tickle the spoilers ever so slightly. I told myself it was juuuuuust to get me through because I didn’t have the strength and fortitude I did during my waits for seasons 3 and 4. I juuuuuust needed a little somethin somethin to keep me going.
And that’s when the horror began. I was hearing terrible rumors from the conference, and then, of course, once the screeners were distributed the destruction and devastation was confirmed. It was all over the boards AND it was being discussed by my local friends. I couldn’t escape it.

So, I confess to you now my sin…I detached. I jumped ship. I disengaged. I abandoned my Brian and the love of his life, his soul mate, Justin. I didn’t reorder Showtime come the airing of season 5. I stayed on the boards for the fanfics so I could get my B/J fixes. I glanced at the heart-ache, disbelief, rage (no pun intended), and loss being lamented by the fandom but I was so removed that I really didn’t fully grasp. Not only didn’t I grasp everyone’s pain I truly didn’t grasp what actually happened from 510-513, and the end of 513, specifically.

I remember a moment I’m really not proud of. I don’t remember who was writing but it was the night 513 aired. I was on the boards but hadn’t watched the show. So, this writer comes on and says something like, “OMG, it’s official. Cowlip really hate us. Brian and Justin don’t wind up together. He’s up on the dance podium alone. Justin’s not even IN the final scene.”
My flippant, ignorant, callous, dismissing, assholic response was, “Well, they left it open so we could write our own ending any way we want through the fanfic.” Shame on me.

Justifiably, this person said “I don’t think you get it.” (Much like Brian told Justin while changing shirts in season 5. Only I didn’t know that at the time b/c I didn’t watch the episode.) And that’s all the response I got. I shrugged off the writer’s ‘tude and got off the boards. I actually can’t say if I ever returned to them again after that night. I have no recall of subsequent events.

In RL I have this thing since elementary school that an event my brain perceives as traumatic will leave my memory. (From my HS boyfriend cheating on me to a hurricane heading to my city.) I actually block it out. People will recount a story years later with me and we’re all shocked in our own way because I was an active participant and yet I have no memory of any such events. In their shock they have to tell me what happened as if I wasn’t there almost exactly like Brian has to recount events to Justin. (Of course, I’m not comparing his bashing to anything that happened to me. I’m just comparing the amnesia I’ve experienced repeatedly through the years.)

And, that’s what’s occurred here and now, folks. A series of unfortunate events has landed me in this current situation. I blocked it allllllllll out. I literally became a Brian Kinney amnesiac. Between the pulling away when it was happening because I simply couldn’t process/handle the pain, then the psychological subsequent blocking of the actual ending, PLUS the passing 12 years which has just been a beat down on my memory in general…when I saw QAF on Netflix, lo and behold, I thought it was a wonderful idea to watch it. I instantly remembered my Brian love. And, since he loved Justin, I loved Justin for him. And I just thought it was a nifty idea to watch the show and reconnect with my beautiful Brian Kinney. I remembered NOTHING of the dismal ending. I didn’t even remember that I never actually watched season 5.

(A topic for a whole other time: Netflix also has different music which threw me for an enormous loop. Ep 101 they’re on the hospital roof and I’m so looking forward to Heather Small’s Proud. I never hear it. I think I must be crazy. I re-play the scene. Now, I know I’m bonkers. Thank God the internet offered an explanation. So, my solution is: LyricWiki:Lists/Queer As Folk | LyricWikia | FANDOM powered by Wikia. Believe it or not, blaspheme that I am, some of the Netflix music is actually better. However, some I can never forgive or even listen to such as during Weapon in 309 they actually play some made up song that says something like “as close to satisfied as I can be.” !!!!!!???????!!!!???? Um, what now????? Not anything thematic like “I’m taking a huge risk here and opening my heart to you, again. Please don’t hurt me or walk away from what we have ever again.” I always hit pause then run to youtube for some Weapon action; then rush back to the tv and ff until I see Brian grab the comic book. But, I actually like the Boy Wonder better than Let’s hear it for the Boy in 103, the fast paced B/J Babylon dance music in 310 is FAR better in Netflix. Dare I say????? Save the Last Dance for Me has been replaced by some similar sounding genre but the words are so much sweeter. Basically: I knew we were meant to be. When we’re done with all this messing around we’re the only ones for each other. GUH.)

But, I digress…

That was this past August. I’ve been reeling ever since. I actually haven’t been able to watch ANY thing else on TV. Any time I try to remove myself and move on I can’t concentrate on any other TV programs or any other RL activities. I keep looping QAF b/c I can’t bear to be apart from/think of anything besides B/J. I’m a wrecked puddle each time I view 512-513. Then, I MUST return to 101 because I have to see their love begin again. I weep spontaneously and uncontrollably. (Life imitating art: Mikey mourned Cp Astro’s death too intensely for Deb’s liking since Jason Kemp was real and Mikey felt nothing for him. Same with me. I’m taking the fictitious Brian Kinney’s doomed fate harder than I’ve taken many real people’s deaths.) Again, shame on me.

I finally signed on here b/c I can’t break this obsession. QAF is constantly rolling on a loop in my home. If I had truly engaged in 2005 I would have appropriately commiserated, grieved, and processed and I’d be over it right now. Instead, I actually really and completely forgot about my Brian for over a decade. So, this mourning is 12 years coming and it’s staying. Unfortunately, when Brian offered coming and staying as an option he didn’t mean bottomless, unending, unprocessable pain.

Thanks so much for bearing with me as I, like Ben said, cut myself open and bleed all over this page.