The Simpsons - Funny Quotes #5 - Page 5

**~+Yamiko** · 11-06-2007, 07:21 PM

Skinner: Hello Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to another woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

Bart: We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening. To even gaze upon it is to go mad.
*Homer stands and looks at the Dogs Playing Poker painting*
Homer: Ahhhhh! They're dogs, and they're playing poker?? *Laughs crazy*

Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead -- drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. Police are baffled.
Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed.

Upon realizing Bart is a vampire
Grampa (with a stake and hammer in hand): We have to kill the boy!
Marge: How'd you know he's a vampire?
Grampa: He's a vampire?

Marge: Homer, we've got to do something. Today he's drinking peoples' bloods. Tomorrow he could be smoking.

**Firestar007** · 11-07-2007, 12:11 AM

Love the quotes

**4N6 DNA** · 11-21-2007, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~+Yamiko (View Post)

Skinner: Hello Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to another woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

this Yamiko

50 funniest Homer Simpson Quotes according to 2psare

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Homer no function beer well without.

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'

All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

**~+Yamiko** · 11-21-2007, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

These are my favorites

Quote:

Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

They left out the part where Homer was offering god cookies and milk and said "If you would like me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done." and he proceeds to eat them

**~+Yamiko** · 11-21-2007, 11:32 PM

-accidental double post-

Courtz_BV · 11-22-2007, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Skinner: Hello Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to another woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

I love Agnes & Skinner.

Skinner: I'm not principal of the line mother.
Agnes: And you never will be.

**~+Yamiko** · 11-23-2007, 11:15 AM

I remember that.

**Firestar007** · 11-23-2007, 01:32 PM

Great quotes!

Love the one wih Agnes and Skinner

**~+Yamiko** · 12-03-2007, 02:16 AM

Speaking of Agnes and Skinner, there was that one scene in the episode Brother from the Same Planet where Skinner was looking out the window at a haunted house from the school and somehow is arguing with his mother. I forgot the lines to what he was saying but one thing he said was "Well I have the right to be here mother!"

Marge: Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill?
Homer: Oh, it's that record club. The first nine were only a penny. Then they jacked up the price! [breaks down crying] It's not fair! It's not fair, I tells ya!

**Firestar007** · 12-03-2007, 07:42 PM

Great quotes

Agnes/Skinner quotes are the best! Love their scenes.

flicko · 12-05-2007, 06:34 AM

Quote from The Simpsons Halloween episode with "Nightmare Cafeteria".

Principal Skinner and the teachers have started eating all the kids at the school, and are walking towards Bart, Lisa and Milhouse, when Skinner says,

"Now, Bart, I believe I'll start as you've so often suggested by eating your shorts!"

I must have seen that episode about twenty times, but that line still makes me laugh. That along with "Now to check on the free-range children!" from that same episode are some of my favourites lines.

Couple more:

Lisa:"the next time we go to sleep we could die"

Grandpa:"welcome to my world"(falls to sleep)

------------------------------------------------------------------

When homer has his license taken away, he tries to drive his car-

Lisa:"dad you can't drive!"

Homer:"it's worth a try, (starts car up)...it worked!!!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Homer:"you're the most afiliated family iv'e ever been associated with!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Homer:"the sun, thats the hottest place on earth!"

**Firestar007** · 12-05-2007, 02:32 PM

Flicko, those are some great quotes

**~+Yamiko** · 12-08-2007, 02:26 PM

Teacher: The ventriloquist goes to heaven but the dummy doesn't.
Bart: Ooh, ooh me!
Teacher: Bart?
Bart: What about a robot with a human brain?
Teacher: I don't know! All these question...is a little blind faith too much to ask?

**Firestar007** · 12-11-2007, 11:51 PM

Great quotes

**~+Yamiko** · 12-18-2007, 08:35 PM

Some Christmas-sy quotes:

Bart: Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!

*upon looking at Bart's Christmas List*
Marge: A tattoo?
Homer: A what?
Bart: Yeah! They're cool, and they last for the rest of your life.
Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you have to pay for it out of your own allowance.
Bart: All right!