hairfullofspoilers

Hope you're feeling better Ju!

Congrats again to you and your family Stephen

Oh boy

Aurora Cormier

I thought he was big

I'm Not Dead

Thanks again, everybody! We are so happy.

Well, my sister and me (as well as one of my brothers) were around the 10lb mark (4.5kg.) So, little Ethan has some catching up to do.

Sandy, don't worry. It's always good to hear from you, no matter how frequently you can post.

hathaross

I have a friend that happen the same to her family. All of their birth weight is also high, more than 4 kg.

I'm Not Dead

We're big feeders in Ireland, I guess.

Aurora Cormier

I did something today that made me feel SO terrible, like, the s*hittiest teacher of all time. Okay, I had a first grade teacher who used to do this, so I guess at least two people in the world did it, but it's still awful, and if the students tell their parents and they complain and they complain to the school, I'm screwed.

Well, the thing is, all third grades at that school SUCK. There are four of them, each more impossible to control than the other (yeah, yeah, we shouldn't "control" students, we should teach them how to think and all those beautiful things, but the thing is none of the beautiful things are possible if they can't do something as basic as LISTEN and, you know, not kill each other with kicks and punches, or destroy the classroom making them their personal garbage disposal), and today one of these third grades was specially annoying. ALL I wanted was attention while I was giving them directions and clearing THEIR doubts. But that wasn't possible. If you've been a teacher of large classes, or you have been a student in a large class (preferrably at a very crappy school), you know how it escalates. You start talking normally, your tone goes up, and up. And up. You stay silent when you notice it's not working. They realize you are silent because they're not, and it SEEMS like they've stopped and will listen. THE VERY MINUTE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH, they start over again. So, yeah, I lost my cool, and I started banging on the desk with a pencilcase, to make a very loud noise. But not even THAT worked, because a specific group of students in the back literally IGNORED every ****ing thing I was saying, so I completely lost it and threw the pencilcase AT THEM.

Of course I MEANT to hit the cabinet next to them to make a noise and wake them up to life, but of course my aim sucks, and it ended up hitting the girl's arm. Everyone was and I was obviously mortified at myself - I mean, it could've hit her head, her eye! The pencilcase really just had some pencils in it, so it wasn't heavy or anything, she wasn't hurt, and didn't even make a big deal out of it - she IS a good student, after all, smart and polite, she just has no sense of when to stop talking, ever. I obviously apologized a million times, to her and the classroom for losing my temper and doing something completely unacceptable as that.

Now I'm worried, not so much because it might cause ME trouble, but because I really thought I was above doing something like this, and today I realized I'm not The other day, the students were complaining to me about another teacher, who broken a desk during class, because he got so mad. That same teacher had broken a ruler on a student's desk the day before that because she was eating when he had told her she wasn't allowed to. And while I knew what he did was wrong, I couldn't help but wonder what he must be feeling when he did it, how he got to that point. To the same point I got today. You feel so...ridiculed, when you're in front of almost 30 people who couldn't care less about what you're saying or trying to do. And if it was just a matter of not doing it, but just sitting and chatting nicely to each other, but no, they literally WILL destroy the classroom and kill each other if you let them. So, you have to TRY to do what you're supposed to do (which is TEACH YOUR ****ING SUBJECT) for, like...20 minutes, aand spend the remaining one hour and forty minutes putting out fires. With NO help whatsoever. Because if you dare complain or ask for help, that means YOU have no authority. It's YOUR fault.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for anyone to "accept" my aggressive attitude. I'm very aware that what I did was wrong, as I did the exact opposite of what I tell them every single day, which is THINK before you act. I just REALLY needed to share this somewhere safe, because I feel like there's really no one I can talk to about this. And I hate feeling like I'm losing my mind, but in environments like this, sometimes it's exactly what it feels like.



*my first grade teacher used to throw pieces of chalk at the students, and sometimes the board eraser (which is made of wood!), but I guess they never actually hit anyone.

Aurora Cormier

So, Wednesday was just as bad as Tuesday. I didn't throw anything at anyone, of course, but it was the day of the worst group of students. Again, I wasn't able to actually DO anything but scream for attention for nearly two hours. Nearly, because when there was half an hour to go, I gave up, gathered my things and left the classroom before I had a panic attack (I'm terrified of having a panic attack in front of people I don't know, specially students and co-workers. The stigma of mental illness and all that. I don't want it.). I asked someone to look after them and came home and then went to the doctor and he gave me a sick note until Monday. So I spent yesterday and am spending today resting. Still, I've been super depressed. I hate myself when I can't control my own emotions, when I can't do something as basic as getting a bunch of kids to listen and not kill themselves or destroy a classroom. I absolutely HATE myself for not being able to teach a decent class to the great students who do want it but are silenced by the sons of bitches who shouldn't even be allowed to enter a school.

And most of all, I hate that there's not one person I can talk to about this. I can't talk to co-workers, because they'll just act superior, as if something like this would never happen to them. I can't talk to family or friends because they think all I have to do is not care about it - which is SO easy, *I* am the stupid one who can't see this awesome solution to the problem right in front of my eyes, right??!

I tell people, it'd be dishonest of me to not care and pretend everything is fine. And they're like omg you're so dramatic, "dishonest", come on! Well, YES, it IS exactly that. What if you worked at a laboratory, and because people there are s*hitty towards you, you decided to go oh whatever, I'll run these blood tests however I please, screw it, I DON'T CARE. Would THAT be alright?? They say oh NO, people's lives DEPEND on those tests. YES, exactly, people's lives depend on my job too, regardless of how little value they give to education. It's revolting how people say "oh, a teacher's job is so important because they form all other professions" then these same people come tell me I shouldn't care about what happens during my ****ing lessons and I should just be happy with whatever

hairfullofspoilers

Ju - sorry for what's going on, I know how frustrating things like that can be I don't really know what to say because I don't feel like I'm any good at advice but sending hugs and positive thoughts your way

Aurora Cormier

Oh that's okay, Kate, just today I was telling my sister how when I'm like this I don't actually want any advice, I just wanna get things out of my chest and know someone's listening (or in this case, reading), you know? Thank you for reading

I'm Not Dead

We're always here to listen, Ju.

Aurora Cormier

Thank you, Stephen You all help me a lot here

I'm Not Dead

My brother is flying over to meet the nephew today, then I'll fly over on Sunday.

hathaross

Hey, Ju ! I don´t know what I can tell you about that. Sometimes it´s very difficult to control yourself when everything you are doing is not helping or controlling the situation. I have not ever have a moment like that in my life so I don´t know what I can say to you.

I hope you feel better.

^That´s great !!!

I want to go in May to see my family and my new cousin I don´t know how I am going to do it, because I have exams that month, I am going to Barcelona (I can´t wait) , and also spend more than a week in Caceres.

Aurora Cormier

Thank you, Ainara


Hope you're all having a good week

I'm Not Dead

St. Patrick's Day on Thursday.

The rest of my countrymen and countrywomen look forward to a reason to drink; I just look forward to it as the 22nd anniversary of the day on which ER's pilot took place.