Arrow - Season 1 - in Five Minutes

The tales and adventures of Oliver Queen and his band of miscreant vigilantes.

**DRAMATIC MUSIC**

OLIVER: What the freak is this place!! MOM?!?!
**Shot in chest with arrow**
OLIVER: AHH!!! WHAT?!!?
**LITERALLY TWO SECONDS LATER, OLIVER KNOCKED OUT BY ROCK TO HEAD**

**Cave Scene**
OLIVER: HEY!! Why did you hurt me?!? Why do I sound like a fifteen year old going through late puberty?!?!
YAO FEI: --untranslated asian language--
OLIVER: WHAT IS THIS?!? KARATE KID???! IF YOU SAY WAX ON WAX OFF I’M GONNA START DROPPIN SOME PEOPLE, AND IT’S NOT GONNA BE PRETTY.
YAO FEI: --silence--
OLIVER: **CRYING**

**Three agonizing days pass by where Oliver deliberates over killing a chicken**

OLIVER: I’M STARVING!! I’M NOT KILLING THE CHICKEN!!
**Day four**
**Kills chicken**
OLIVER: This is pretty good..



**Oliver leaves Cave, captured**

EVIL ISLAND DICTATOR: I resemble nearly every Bond villain you’ve ever seen minus the fact I’m less interesting.
OILVER: GOT IT.
EVIL ISLAND DICTATOR: NOW TELL ME WHERE YAO FEI IS OR DIE!!
OLIVER: HE’S MY BEST FRIEND, AND HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO KILL A CHICKEN!!!

**Yao Fei Betrays Oliver**
OLIVER: JERRK!!!
Yao Fei: Wax on, Wax off
OLIVER: AHHH!!!!!

EVIL ISLAND DICTATOR: I will make promises to you:
OLIVER: Ok.
EVIL ISLAND DICTATOR: I will never keep them:
OLIVER: Got it.
EVIL ISLAND DICTATOR: Every word I utter will in the end turn on you for you to be tortured.
OLIVER: Understood.
EVIL ISLAND DICTATOR: Worse than that when it seems I’m forced to comply I will still betray you and kill all your friends:
OLIVER: Got it.
EVIL ISLAND DICTATOR: I will save Yao Fei’s life if you do what I say.
OLIVER (speaking so seriously gritting teeth/projecting spit): DO YOU PROMISE ME??
EVIL ISLAND DICTATOR: I promise.





**Flash forward to Sterling City!!!**

MRS QUEEN: OLIVER!??!!
OLIVER: I cannot move my mouth to smile, I will show no emotion, I am a robot.
MRS QUEEN: OH HONEY!!!

**Back at the Queen household**
THEA: OLLY??!?!?
OLIVER: I am a robo…
THEA: OLLY!!! I LOVE YOU! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD AND NOW YOU’RE NOT I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD AND NOW YOU’RE NOT!!!

**Two days later**

THEA: DIE OLLY I HATE YOU!!!
OLIVER: I’m confused??
THEA: Listen to me and you listen to me good. Nobody understands my pain. When you died, I died. When dad died, I died twice. When you and Dad died mom pretended she was dead and amidst it all I died four deaths for the deaths of you all. And you know who was alive, when everyone else was dead? ME. I WAS ALIVE. I lived on but I was still, in fact, dead, at the same time. Do you know what that’s like Oliver? Do you know what it’s like to be dead/alive while everyone else is fully dead?? It’s a death-life. And that’s not all. Other people were dying Oliver..dying in the middle-east, dying on beaches, in rural towns, someone even died in space. But I wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand. You lived an island for five years. At first I thought how hard that must be for you, how difficult. But then to learn more about shipwrecks I watched Gilligan’s Island, and every illusion vanished. You disgrace this family



**Doorbell Rings**
OLIVER: Tommy?
TOMMY: JOKES! INNUENDO!! LOOKS COMMUNICATING INNUENDO!! CATCH PHRASES!! COME WITH ME TO RELIEVE TENSION FROM DEPRESSING THEMES AND OVERBEARING ANGST!!
OLIVER: YES PLEASE!

**NEXT EPISODE**
** My name is Oliver Queen. Sterling City has failed. Some people in the city are criminals. I am going to kill all of them.**

MRS QUEEN: Oliver, you are incredibly irresponsible and incapable of not getting into trouble. But I love you. I am a very confused individual. I am also rich. Therefore, I’ve hired a dangerous body guard to watch your every...where did he go??
OLIVER: SEE YA WOULDN’T WANNA BE YA HAHAAHHAH!!!
DIGGLE: I hope CSI Miami sees my value and bumps me off this show.

**Oliver sees Laurel in the street**
OLIVER: Laurel?
LAUREL: Olly? --stare at eachother for five minutes--
OLIVER: Laurel, what I did, it was wrong. And if I could take it back, I would. After I betrayed you I carried this picture of you in my pocket creepily for five years, pretended to hang myself in my mind while also falling in love with an asian girl.
LAUREL: How do you talk while biting your teeth down??
OLIVER: The asian people on the island turned me into a Canadian Jet Li.
LAUREL: OH OLLY!!






**Meanwhile at the Queen’s Home**

Mr. CEO Queen: I am british! But I look Egyptian! I am mysterious, but wholesome!!
Mrs. Queen: WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE YOU?!?
Mr. CEO Queen: My dear, I will always be here for you.
Mrs Queen: I MUST KIDNAP YOU!!!

THEA: Oliver, I need advice.
OLIVER: I w…
THEA: DON’T JUDGE ME I HATE YOU!!!

**In the writer’s room**

WRITER: this show is filled with white people in unending angst and moral dillemas. It’s half 90210 and half a failing ABC action drama. We need something to spice it up.
PRODUCER: More air time for Diggle would help.
WRITER: EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS IRRELEVANT!! NO, it needs to be different. Who do people love??
PRODUCER: Batman.
WRITER: YES!! YOU’RE A GENIUS!! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE’LL DO!!!. We’ll plagiarize this show off of batman.
Rich kid embarks on moral crusade, convinces city he’s an oblivious idiot, lives on ethical edge to defeat foes, torn up inside realizing he can’t live double life and maintain close relationships, has a close friend/sidekick who occasionally lectures and questions to keep him true to himself in the end.
PRODUCER: You don’t think people will catch on..
WRITER: Diggle’s lines will mirror Alfred’s but he’s black and not british, no one will notice.
PRODUCER: And will Oliver be wearing a bat mask?
WRITER: No!! He’ll wear a robin hood costume so everyone will assume it’s a contemporary take on the classic tale and never draw any parallels!!



OLIVER: Felicity?
FELICITY: Ooh yes. I mean not yes, I mean yes, no I don’t mean that, I mean yes that’s my name. What was I saying again?
OLIVER: You’re so cute. I hope they put us together in the end.
FELICITY: --adjusts glasses--
OLIVER: I am not very smart. And by I mean not very smart meaning I don’t know how to use calcuters.
FELICITY: You mean computers??
OLIVER:...
FELICITY: I shouldn’t be doing this, but you’re hot, so I’ll help you.


**At the law office**

LAUREL: I’M 1O PERCENT ON A CRUSADE FOR JUSTICE AND 90 PERCENT HORMONAL!!
TOMMY: I’m changing my outlook on life, and you’re slightly more moral than I am, will you go out with me??
LAUREL: NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES
TOMMY: This is going to sum up our relationship for the next two months isn’t it.
LAUREL: NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES

**Meanwhile, masked Vigilante kills hundreds of people and everyone loves him except Dad Cop**

LAUREL: HE’S DOING JUSTICE DAD!! HE KILLS BAD PEOPLE!!!
DAD COP: LISTEN LAUREL, EVERY LINE I UTTER WILL SOUND AS IF I JUST RAN A TWO MILE RACE WHILE FIGHTING OFF A PANIC ATTACK, SO I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU’D TAKE MY ADVICE BECAUSE I ALLOW NO TALK WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS WHERE I’M NOT GIVING IT.
OLIVER: What did I miss?
DAD COP: Not you…
OLIVER: I know I’m the most unlikely person to do any good around here. But justice can be done. The city can be made right. Lives can be changed. Children can have a hope and a future. Educational systems can be restored.
LAUREL: What happened to you on that Island?
THEA: What happend to you on that island??
MRS QUEEN: What happened to you on that island??
**TWO EPISODES PASS BY**
DIGGLE: What happened to you on that island??
TOMMY: What happened to you on that island???

**At CLUB**

TOMMY: YOU MURDER PEOPLE!!
OLIVER: You’re right Tommy.
TOMMY: I CAN NEVER BE WITH LAUREL BECAUSE OF YOU.
OLIVER: No Tommy, you’re wrong. It’s you who should be with laurel. She loves you. Laurel chose you.

**Three seconds later**

OLIVER: I CAN’T BE AN ISLAND!!!
LAUREL: MAKE OUT WITH ME!!!!

**Press Conference in Queen Home**

MRS QUEEN: I was forced to kill hundreds of people. The man who forced me to kill people was Malcom Merlin. I know that name sounds like a joke, but it’s not. The worse thing about this tragedy is not all the deaths, but, you guessed it, his name. But perhaps worse of all is his smile. He looks like a heroin addicted magician slapped onto a crest whitening commercial. It’s horrific. I am not to blame. I was protecting my family from a lifetime of nightmares filled with sick faces you cannot imagine.

**HALF OF STERLING CITY COLLAPSES**

PRODUCER: I need an ending!!
WRITER: Batman..
PRODUCER: YES, YOU GENIUS!! City is crushed with hopes to rebuild, hero cries, the best characters die, PERFECT!!!

LAUREL: **HEAVY BREATHING**
WRITER: You can stop now.
LAUREL: **HEAVY BREATHING**