Life on Mars - Ray/Chris #1: Don't Want To Mess With This Duo

**crazy_diamond** · 08-06-2010, 01:09 PM

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DS Ray Carling joined the Met along with his DCI back in 1981. A burly, no-nonsense chap with some military affectations that I do not believe are backed up with any practical experience in the armed forces. An imbalanced professional code of conduct. Has been spotted on numerous occasions performing no discernible task whatsoever. Feet on the desk. Smoking like it was about to be banned! Similarly lackadaisical when it comes to forensic examination or deductive action.

Much more spontaneous and thorough when called upon to carry out "chase and arrest". In fact so enthusiastic is DS Carling in his apprehension of suspects that on more than one occasion I have formally cautioned him for violent misconduct - once whilst awaiting the outcome of a touch-and-go operation performed on a previously healthy man that Carling was arresting for parking offences.

Has applied no less than five times since his transfer to be considered for promotion. I have insisted that he refrain in future. A violent, lazy, ill-tempered and malcontent Detective Inspector would only add to this division's woes when it comes to public profile. It is my feeling that Carling is perfectly suited to the role of Sergeant.

Post script on personal circumstances: never seems to have a girlfriend but boasts incessantly about his sexual conquests usually involving twins or triplets.

Report compiled by Chief Superintendent Mackintosh.

DC Chris Skelton also arrived in Fenchurch on the coat-tails of his DCI. Hard-working and earnest foot-soldier of CID. Passionate attachment to the force. Sunny disposition and lends himself well to group activities. Very popular - accepts being the butt of numerous cruel and rambunctious jokes with characteristic good grace.

I have had some concerns in the past over the lad's functioning IQ and have submitted him to various tests and assessments. The results of these tests were confusing and somewhat disheartening when finally deciphered - it would seem in the written exams, DC Skelton frequently wasn't answering the actual question being asked, although if he had been, his answers would have been on the right side of middling.

But I have always said it’s not what you don't know, it's how you apply what you do. And DC Skelton certainly knows some things which he applies with determination and rigor. Besides, I can always find uses for an enthusiastic young man with an unwavering fervour for the force who doesn't need to burden himself with too many questions.

DC Skelton is romantically involved with a fellow officer, one WPC Sharon Granger. Attachments within precincts are to be frowned upon as unprofessional and divisive. When I heard about it I called Skelton in and I asked him to consider sharing the young lady with a couple of his colleagues. Nothing sordid, just a drink or the pictures - to take the edge off any jealousies. The lad was genuinely affronted.

I conclude that his feelings for Granger are deep-rooted and am allowing the relationship. If it gets out of line then regrettably one of them will have to be transferred to a district of her choice.

Report compiled by Chief Superintendent Mackintosh.

Chris: "Dickie's famous for getting caught in Alicante."
Ray: "Flagrante, Chris, in Flagrante"
Life on Mars Season 2 Episode 2

Chris: "What's a vol-au-vent?"
Ray: "It's puff pastry shell filled with a savoury meat mixture."
Chris: "So its a pie then."
Life on Mars Season 2 Episode 5

Ray: "Oh, please, Shaz, can we do it with the lights on?’ Heh, heh, heh. Oh, that’s amazing, that is. But not for beginners."
Chris: "So when you’re, er… Who holds it up?"
Ray: "It should stay up itself."
Chris: "No, the book."
Ray: "Oh, I dunno."
Ashes to Ashes Season 2 Episode 3

Ray: "Yeah, they do that all the time. Marking people and stuff. (to Chris) S'like that film we saw. What's it called? 'Vault of Evil' or something?"
Chris: "No, that was vampires, not satanists. "
Ray: "Same thing really."
Ashes to Ashes Season 2 Episode 6

Ray: "Bloody hell. That's a bit swanky, innit? You got your eye on something like this, have you?"
Chris: "Why would I be doing that?"
Ray: "Come on, you get married, you can't be living in a pokey little flat. Sooner rather than later, she'll be all..."
(Ray whistles and indicates a large belly with his hands.)
Chris: "Fat?"
Ray: "Up the duff."
Chris: "Oh, we haven't even talked about having kids yet. "
Ray: "Oh, biological clock, mate. Once that goes off, it's worse than Hiroshima. "
Chris: "How would you know? You've never had a proper girlfriend."
Ray: "I've had plenty. I'm just not dumb enough to get stuck with one. I'm like Liberace."
(Ray rings the doorbell.)
Chris: "Poofter?"
Ray: "No, no. The other one. What's his name? Valentino. That's it. I'm like Valentino."
Ashes to Ashes Season 2 Episode 6

Chris: "It’s good the Guv’s back, innit?"
Ray: "I was running this whole caboodle while he was in Spain. All I want to hear from him are those three little words."
Chris: "What? “I love you?”
Ray: “Well done, Ray.”
Ashes to Ashes S3 E1

Ray: "Chris. What would you do if somebody weren’t telling you the whole truth?"
Chris: "You been to that tranny bar again? I was only joking. How d’you mean?"
Ray: "Well… uh."
Ashes To Ashes Season 3 Episode 5

Chris: "Ray, if I don’t make it out of here, can you give Shaz a message? Can you tell her… can you tell her I love her?"
Ray: (nods) "You’ve been a good pal to me. I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a twat…"
Chris: "Go on."
Ray: "If you don’t get out of here, can I have your mug? ‘Cause mine’s knackered"
Ashes to Ashes Season 3 Episode 6