You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?

Ever since I was a little kid, like eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.

[holds up picture] Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.

No, you said that I'd be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. [raising voice] NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?

Wow. That is really hard. [Michael almost says it] You really think you can go all day long? [Michael nearly bursts trying not to say it] Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.

So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

Does that include "That's what she said?"

You look cute today, Dwight.

They might not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years... and years... and... years.

Do we all have a copy of Threat Level: Midnight by Michael Scott?

I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman Grill.

It's Kurt... wow, it's so sad that I know that.
Umm, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?

Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

Dwight: Damnit, he put my stapler in jello again.
[Points to Michael]
Dwight:You can be a witness to this.
Jim: [eating jello] How do you know it was me?

[Michael reads off complaints filed by Dwight]
Michael: OK, so Dwight, in your own words: "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert."
Michael: Everyone has called me "Dwayne" all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.
Jim: [to camera, laughs] Yes. Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.
Michael: This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.
Michael: Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.
Michael: This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.
Jim: [to camera] That actually took a while. I had to put- uh, more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then I just took them all out.
Michael: Every time I typed my name, it said "Diapers".
Jim: [to camera] Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael: By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.
Jim: [to camera] Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom, and that's how I spent the entire day that day.