Kiss, Pookie

Title: I Have Nothing
Author: Bri
Couple: Emma/Sean for the most part.
Summary: Season 3 a little after “Our House” - Sean’s with Ellie, and he‘s ready to break things off. Emma wants Sean back as she is struggling to get over Sean. Sean wants Emma back. But Amy‘s secret, could put a hold on everything.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. The song title is an late-eighties song by Whitney Houston.(Y’kno from The Bodyguard soundtrack?)
Well, don’t make me close one more door
I don't wanna hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you ther
Don't walk away from me...I have nothing, nothing, nothing
If I don't have you
Notes: Okay, this is one of many of my first couple of fan fictions I ever wrote. This is based in season three where Emma and Sean were broken up and I didn’t like it. LMFAO. So setting is - post “Gangsta Gangsta” and post Sean/Ellie in Take On Me. Logically somewhere near “Our House”. Amy never gets poisoning from drinking, she never winds up in the hospital, in fact she stopped drinking and she didn’t really become too effected by her and Sean’s break up. So I wrote these fan fictions, and the ones like it at least 4 to 5 years ago. So bear with me as some of the ideas are dated. I read them over lately and put them to good use by rewriting and fixing my grammar it’s pretty much a smashup of all my old season three I-wish-Sean-was-with-Emma situations. On the record, I think I actually own one, but from memory I remember others. Realistically, I doubt Sean would dump Ellie the way he did on sudden terms. But it’s through my eyes here, and I figured she was much much clingy and three and depended HIGHLY on Sean - or maybe I have an Emma/Sean bias. Just letting you know that Amy will be a semi-important character, as will Ellie (for most of the beginning). If you love Eman/Semma, you’ll like this fan fiction. I haven’t written with season three characters/or how they acted in long while awhile. I went through some character changes in Emma, after Snake’s cancer Emma feels very neglected and she starts to fend for herself and comes some what isolated in the opening of this. What you could call Emma in this fan fiction - a closet drinker. It’s something Degrassi also had yet to cover. FYI - Emma and Sean’s screen names in this fan fiction are what their diaries were on (remember them days?)- whocares and sparklespaz - just so you are aware.

Chapter One: How It Ends, How It Begins
(Sean POV)

Ellie Nash isn’t my type. I don’t know what I was thinking, messing with someone as intense, fragile and as tortured as her. Last night she wakes me up at three, knocking on the door crying. She and her mother had yet another disagreement about her drinking problem that has gotten worse. I know how it is, remember my parents were heavy drinkers. Trust me,I relate but she doesn’t need to bring me back to that. That is why I even moved to Degrassi, to get away from drinking drama, Ellie and her drama spend entirely too much time at my place. Sometimes I need my time, alone. She can’t always depend on me. She wears me out. I thought having things in common was a good thing. In the time I spend alone I realize things and I have come to the realization that I’m no where near as into to her, or our relationship as she thinks or she is. I also realize, it is true that opposites attract, and it’s been incredibly hard to figure out how I’m going to break things off.

You see, I have feelings, in fact I just simply tried to hide about how I feel for someone. I blew things up with Emma and I. We broke up on awful terms. When I see her in the hallway, or in class she had these looks in her eyes like she wasn’t okay. I mean who would be, for people like us to be together and been through so much in the past few years? I was being selfish around the time, I just wanted to spend time with her and she had other things to attend to, like Mr. Simpson, her step-dad and his cancer, her baby brother all at once - and I was being a headache. I was stupid enough to let Jay’s opinions get in the way, I was just being selfish. The girl for me is Emma. I handled the situation bad. I landed in detention and conveniently met Ellie. I was jealous about Em’s new relationship, first I wanted to prove my little point, hang with Jay because for the first time I felt I related to someone cool, instead he just threw me through a self destruction warpath. Detention was detention, and of course, it was punishment for weeks, meeting Ellie was a breath of fresh air. Telling Raditch to go to hell was the icing on the cake which bought me that one way ticket. It was no secret that Emma wanted me back, at first I kinda reveled in things, and I blew it. Now she’s with Chris and I’m, ready to pursue her again. I mean last time I checked she was. At first Ellie and I were good. I knew she was involved in writing, which isn’t my cup of tea. But aside from that she was sweet, and she wasn’t a thing like Emma. In fact, I dated a lot of people before Ellie. Amy, and a few random girls - girls who were incredibly dense and easy as one two three, and their clothes are off and on the bed. Amy had a drinking problem, and was reminiscent of my mother when she would get drunk. I’m kind of glad she broke up with me. I do wish her a lot of luck with getting sober. Anyhow, with some of the girls I dated, there was no chase, it was very cut to the chase, and non committal and for awhile I liked it. Living completely alone got boring with out parties so I started inviting Ellie over. She wore out her welcome pretty quick.

I know I do jerky things sometimes, I never mean harm. It isn’t like I go out and try to hurt people, then I beat myself up inside over it. This is just something I have to do. I can’t live a lie. I walked into the corridor of Degrassi, scanning the halls for Ellie. I found her at her locker. She was talking to Ashley I couldn’t make out what they were saying. Ashley looked at me, and then to Ellie, before waltzing off, “Cya later El.” Ellie looked really happy to see me, as always. And then she sobs and tells me about her lack of sleep and her mother, what she did last night, how she hadn’t heard from her father in the war lately and how her friends never want to hang out anymore, that Marco would much rather hang out with Dylan than her.

I waved to Ashley politely. I couldn’t help but feel awkward around Ashley. We had a few moments a few summers back and it’s been weird ever since so we don’t really talk. When we do it’s an acknowledging nod. Ellie hugged me close, “Babe!” She drawled as I hugged back, lightly causing her to quickly back away, “Is something wrong?”

“E-eh ya.” I blurted.

Ellie turned her head to the side looking down, and then up at eye level. It wasn’t going to be “good” from here on out.

“What is it?”

“Ellie. . .” I trailed off with a sigh. I adjusted my backpack that was on my right arm. “I-I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” There. I did it. I broke up with Ellie. I just don’t want to see her cry though; I know she’s about to.

She was taken back. She just stared at me, “Did I do something wrong?”

“N-No. Look, we can still be. . ”

“Friends?” She finished, with a question.

“Yeah.”

“If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I’d be pretty rich.”

I didn’t say anything. It caused her to get even more angered. This probably made it worse. She scoffed angrily, “Just forget it.” She whispered and just walked away, I didn’t follow her. As she walked by I heard her sniffle, as she walked into the girl’s bathroom behind where I was standing. I looked around noticing everyone was kind of in their own conversations, so they didn’t see or hear anything. I guarantee that it’ll get around that Ellie and I broke up by lunch, and by the end of the day it’ll get around that I did it. That’s just how things work in Degrassi; every body knows everybody’s business.

- x -

(Emma POV)

I’ve come to realize things haven’t been going well with me. It really isn’t a secret or a big deal. It honestly seems like Jack is more my son or companion than any of my would-be friends and of course my second best friend is Jack, Daniel‘s that is. How incredibly lame does that sound? In all honesty, it’s not like anybody really honestly cares. I can’t keep a boyfriend, or be a decent friend. Chris and I broke up yesterday, and Sean the first boy I had ever loved, dated, kissed or done pretty much anything with doesn’t want me anymore, I guess I totally cramped his style, Manny and I aren’t friends, best friends or anything still. Not that I’ve been close to Liberty, but she is simply too dedicated and focused, I’m never really all there in class, in fact. It’s a fact, I Emma Nelson is one imperfect individual, for the first time in my life I really don’t have a single person to talk to and I’m flunking a few classes. I’ve gotten pretty used to it. I’ve been barely physically there in class. Its not like Snake can rat me out for cutting, he’s on leave and has been since he found out about the big C. While he’s holding on to life, I’ve just about given up. School, life whatever all of it is a waste of time anymore for me. I’ve taken up drinking on the occasion, it’s not like my mom notices, she leaves early in the morning to visit Snake, or take Snake or whatever, and they are never home. I’m always home. I’m the built in, home babysitter. Every morning before school, I just pour some liquor in the water bottle and waltz into class; I have a high liquor tolerance. It’s been awhile. I wouldn’t dare tell anyone. I just know that it would take a lot to get me drunk. Nobody really knows I get drunk, I don’t really do it to get “messed up” like most people my age do. It’s just to help me relax. I’m afraid if I tell somebody, they wouldn’t understand me. I could clean up and stop at any time; I’m completely in control of this. If anything, it’s just a phase. I just choose not to stop. It in some cases makes me happy. Happiness never tasted so sweet.

I waltzed in through the halls, with my water bottle in hand, ready or not for a day at Degrassi. I probably look like death, I threw up my hair and I really have forgotten to care. I woke up a little late, threw on a black tee and black sweat pants, and busted into school. I was already almost late for homeroom. They said if I get another late, I’ll have a Saturday school. Zip-ide-doodah.

I was walking so fast, with the alcohol partially to blame, I barely noticed when I ran into Amy Myers and we clashed heads. That hurt, and it was a downer on my somewhat okay morning. Amy was Sean‘s ex girlfriend after me, I like to call her the rebound girl. I don’t have issues with her, I mean she was never particularly mean to me. “Gosh! Could you just watch where you were going?!”

She automatically touched her head backing away quickly trying to regain herself; her books were in piles at our feet. I lightly laughed to clear the mood. I knelt to the ground to help pile them, “Sorry.” I lifted them as I dropped mine and gave her back her books that I helped knock out of her hands when I was in my mad rush.

“Don’t worry about it; just watch what you’re doing.” She then regained eye contact with me, “Thanks, Emily.”

“Emma.” I corrected, with a friendly smirk, “and you’re welcome.”

“Don’t you have a class with me?” Amy asked and yeah we did. We had classes all through school. I just kind of never really talked to her. We had a clash in things, everyone calls Amy white trash. Everyone figured because her older sister Mimi was the biggest tramp in the world, they think she would grow up to be just like her, everyone knows about her.

I nodded and smirked, “Yeah, I think so. I‘ll see you around.”

“Yeah, cya.” She told me and we went off in the same direction separately.

- x -

Homeroom I went to, I skipped gym and I went to third period, English. Which was cool, because I figured I’d get a class to sleep off my hangover headache, but I was wrong? Kwan introduced to us a group poetry project. I really didn’t pay much attention to the details. I had to pay attention when she started naming partners, “Liberty you will be partnered with Toby, Ann will be partnered with Ted, Joe with Chrissy, Liberty with J.T., and I guess Sean isn’t here? We’ll partner him with Chris who is also not here” a few other people who don’t matter were mentioned and unmentioned and then I was mentioned and who my partner was, “and Emma will be partnered with Amy.”

Amy looked over at me, and I looked over at Amy. Why her? Everybody knows when she works on a project with you, she doesn’t do any work. I mean she was cool in the hallway for someone I almost gave a shiner to by colliding in the hallway with. But Amy for school work? I don’t understand. “Everyone move over to sit with your partner and I will pass out the directions.”

Poetry was actually a strong point for me. I actually liked poetry. My mom still gets on my ass about this poem she found a few weeks about love being a total melodramatic hoax. It wasn’t even my best work she stumbled upon. Instead, she gave me a stern look as if to say, “Don’t scare me into thinking you’re having sex or committing suicide.” Too bad I’ve already tried both and I’m still okay, okay maybe not committing suicide but the sex part - yeah I’ve tried. My mom couldn’t be more oblivious. In fact, here are the details of my first sexcapade it was with Sean no less and he left me two months after to roll with Jay’s crew, it was over the summer when I was at his house. I hadn’t the slightest idea what I was doing, it was awkward but at the same time I only liked it because it was with him. The stupid part was to believe Sean loved me, because I sure as hell loved him. But even love couldn’t make him stay with me. He hooked up with the first big boobed girl who is so unlike me who just so happened to be Amy. But like I said before about her and her ancestral issues, I can’t blame Amy. I think it’s what put me in some emotional rut, and the fact I have to see him everyday bothers me. I wish he would just I don’t know, disappear. It would do a hell of a lot of good considering he just increases me stress and drinking habit with his presence. Again poetry, it’s relaxing, and it puts you in one with your feelings. I guess I’m still somewhat naive to that belief. Amy moved her stuff and scooted her desk with mine, “Hi.”

I took a sip out of my water bottle filled with vodka. I think I’ll probably pass out in the gym next period; they don’t have a class, “Hey. I sure hate Monday‘s.”

“Tell me about it.” Amy sighed taking out a notebook, and a pen. I didn’t think she actually possibly did work.

“So what do you want to write about?” I asked her casually.

“Uh, I don’t usually write. . . Nothing really comes to mind.”

“You mean to tell me you never even written an essay, not even for class?”

“I manage to pass without them so what does it matter?”

“I mean I write, notes, and I ace tests mostly but I get bored in a classroom and I have a hard time buckling down and writing a paper. I’m not perfect.”

“Whoa whoa perfect? Psh. I‘m not perfect and nor do I try to be.”

“Oh, I know all about you.”

“I let myself go a little bit. Gave myself some leeway. I say it would be for the best.”

“I can’t work with you, you’re just too perfect.”

“I’m not, trust me.”

So after we got out of English, where I got no nap and no poetry I went elsewhere. I waltzed into the gym and got some much needed R&R. This sucked when someone had to cut in. Someone maybe I did want to see, but I sure didn’t act like it. Despite seeing him everyday, I have this bipolar thing about me with Sean. There are days I want him back, there are days I go on wishing but then there are other days when I get bitter and I wish he was gone. "Em?" he muttered sitting next to me. I didn’t budge. He took my water bottle believing that there was actually water inside and squirted it on me; I recoiled and grabbed it back making a face, “Sean! That‘s expensive.”

“Water? Whatever Em.”

“Perrier.”

Sean just gave me a skeptical look, "Why are you here?"

I sighed, "Relaxing." What does it look like? Please don’t say moping."Lying down in the school gym isn't exactly a relaxing thing to do." he smiled his genuine smile at me. You know the one, the one that used to make me melt; in fact it still makes me melt. I saw that in the corner of my eye, “Ah, well it is to me.”

I saw his dimples. "Well its just life great?" I asked a bit louder sarcastically.

“Ah I guess.” Out of all people in the world to not understand a sarcastic statement, or question why the answer would not typically be Sean Cameron? He is the sarcasm king. He thinks however I don’t understand. Now he’s speechless and clueless. What is this world coming to?

"What’s been up with you?" he knelt beside her. “Everyone’s been, worried.”

"I‘m fine. I don‘t know why people bother to worry. You‘re the first person to tell me about it, honestly." I lied she wanted to tell someone how I felt. I had the perfect opportunity I chose not to use. She wanted to seem different than before, she wanted to prove to him she’s changed but deep down she’ll have these harbored feelings for him she can’t explain or change.

But even that memory of them being happy together seemed distant. Sean looked warmly into my eyes, “I want to talk to you, help you."

"What makes you think I need help?" I turned over to my side and looked at him again. He was now next to me. Sean was face to face with me now. It had been so long since it had been like that. It was one of them moments we used to have, where we would lay there on the couch, and we’d look into each others eyes. No words were needed. If I did talk, he’d just kiss me and claim I’d talk too much. His kisses were much better to me than talking. Sometimes I do kiss those carefree summer days I spent with Sean. He just seemed like he had more on his mind than he spoke of. I’ve learned to read people well over the time I spend a lone. I shook my head, "Hello?" I said louder.

Sean shook his head getting out of his thoughts, "I want to apologize, Em.”

“For what?” I played stupid.

“For everything that happened this year.”

“Uh okay? Water under the bridge.” Emma finally sat up.

“What are you doing to yourself?” Sean asked curiously, “you think I don’t notice?”

“Don’t notice?” she questioned dumbfounded.

He lifted the water bottle again and shook it around, “Drinking, Em. Seriously? I know you. You know you’re better than that.”

“How do you know that? You don‘t know me like you used to.”

“Look I haven’t been the nicest person to you, but gosh I want to help. I don‘t want you going down a bad path.”

“Help with?”

Sean shrugged. “What you need is a friend.”

I felt my eyes narrow, “and just who would be my friend?"

“Me.”

“What about your “crew”” I said with air quotes.

“Screw them. I was friends with you first anyway. I mean, I’d be cool with them.”

“Well, I'm off to shoppe. I’ll see you later, Emma.” Sean told me as he walked out of the gymnasium and I continued to lie down on the cold gym floor listening to music and hugging my water bottle. Instead of an emotionless smile, I more or less smirked.

Kiss, Pookie

Chapter Two: Fallen Through

Sean Cameron was on his new laptop in which he scrapped from the school’s collection. A few months ago when Emma suspected Sean and Jay’s crew of stealing from the school, they actually did and Sean’s parting prize was a laptop. He noticed that Emma signed on. He clicked on her profile and it read:

Stop, stare, and watch me burn
Someday it'll be your turn
Can't fool me, I can see all the things
That you don't want me to see
You threw my heart away
That's the price that I paid
I know it's never fair, promised me
You'd always be there
But you never really cared

</3

Sean sighed. He didn’t need to be reminded that he messed up, and he knew the lyrics in her profile were devoted to him. They had a nice talk earlier in the gym. He figured he’d just try to make another effort.

whocares: yo

sparklespaz: hi.

whocares: uh so. . how r u?

sparklespaz: fine, eh tired. i might go out for a walk in a lil. u?

whocares: isn’t it raining out?

sparklespaz: so what

sparklespaz: uhh i always walk in the rain

whocares: we had a good talk earlier.

sparklespaz: ikr?

whocares: do you wanna idk - hang out later?

sparklespaz: i usually walk by myself. Reason I was gonna walk is cuz imma meet up with amy for a school project.

whocares: y u workin wit amy?

sparklespaz: I thought you two were friends

whocares: faar from it

Sparklespaz: what happened?

Whocares: went our separate ways

Sparklespaz: o sorry to hear that

whocares: yeah idc anymore don’t matter much to me

sparklespaz: nothing ever does

whocares: whats that supposed to mean

sparklespaz: what do you think it means

whocares: i’m askin u

sparklespaz: you didn’t care before when we broke up

sparklespaz: it just wasn’t fair

whocares: . . ok? i thought we were gonna be cool

sparklespaz: maybe if you start actually caring about what you did maybe we wouldn’t b like this I’m talkin bought things so it’s a start

sparklespaz: i really wish things were back like they were

whocares: me2

whocares: I wanna hang out wit u

sparklespaz: prove it

whocares: i’ll do my best

sparklespaz: k i’d believe it when I see it

sparklespaz: like I said, I’m going for a walk so bye

sparklespaz just signed off 4:25:06 PM

****! Sean thought running his hand through his brown hair letting out a sigh. He blew it, again.

- x -

Emma thought about Sean’s out of the blue IM but at the same time she wanted to forget all about it. If there was any hope in fixing things, it looked as if it was at a screeching halt by the way it ended, even if she was the one who ended the conversation. There was a part of her who wanted to regain trust in Sean, but there was another part that harbored mistrust in his motives. She met up at Amy at the park, they went to The Dot to discuss their project, and they more or less talked about life and such. They really had no idea what to write about, but they both wanted to at least try the project. The conversation got pretty deep when Amy sighed, “I’ve been trying to help my friend, Laura. She’s really sick lately, like she told me she feels like it‘s a hangover every morning. Like she even pukes, it‘s weird.”

“Really? That’s strange.” Emma responded before taking a sip through her straw of something non alcoholic for a change, a coke.

“Like extremely. I hate to think of the possibility of her being pregnant like she never would think it could possibly happen to her, and she’s so young. I mean she has been taking the pill. I don‘t want to completely rule it out as a possibility, but it’s logical. She’s not a fan of doctors.”

“I don’t think anyone likes doctors. You really can’t plan for life; I for instance wasn’t a planned kid.”

“Really? Emma Nelson is an unplanned pregnancy?” Amy said somewhat shocked.

“Yeah, my mom and my biological father, Shane were grade eights.”

“Ah. . .” Amy nodded. Amy had pictured Emma as a golden child.

“So it’s possible. But, it may or may not be the reason. Just tell her don’t worry yet, until she knows for sure. I’m sure it’s a bug, I‘m no expert. Just it doesn’t go away then you should definitely have your friend see a doctor.”

“You sound so sure of yourself, Nelson. You know, you’re pretty cool. Sean and Alex were really wrong about you. Thanks. I can’t talk to Lexxi about these kinds of things; she just looks at me like I’m crazy.”

Emma laughed a little, but that whole Sean and Alex thing kind of made her feel bad. She had wondered what he said about her to Amy, she knew they were somewhat of a thing a few months ago. Little did Emma know, she was giving Amy herself advice. You see Amy has a secret, a big one and if all of it is indeed true - involves Sean too.

sweet_zelda

I like the idea with the IM messages