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Old 07-03-2008, 04:07 AM
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Constructive Criticism / Brainstorming #1 - Learning by Doing.

Welcome to the Constructive Criticism / Brainstorming Thread

constructive criticism

This is a place where a writer can post a story of theirs and get some honest, constructive criticism. Everyone, please keep the writer's feelings in mind as well. Don't post something like:

Quote:
This sucks!!!!! I hate the storyline and you better not write any more.
It's not just discouraging and non-constructive, but also rude. We don't want any of that here.

Rather name something you like about the story at first. Like this:

Quote:
I like the storyline you are building; I am intrigued and want to know more about it. However, I don't like your main character very much. There is not enough information about them. Your sentences are too short and you lack the descriptive narration that makes a story a story.
Also, if you can, help them rewrite a couple of sentences and use examples. Try to be as descriptive as possible so the author knows where they went wrong, but also knows where their strengths are.

brainstorming

When an author writes a story and they simply don't know where to go with it, then this is the place to go. We're going to try and help them find some new ideas or ways to connect things.

to the authors

When you post your story here, be sure that you want to receive criticism. Of course, you can also discuss with others here, but if you feel that a criticism is too hard, please remember that you asked for it. Hopefully there will be more than one respond to your post and you won't feel cornered or treated unfair.
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Last edited by sweet_zelda; 07-03-2008 at 06:31 AM
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Old 07-03-2008, 04:10 AM
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This is a great idea for a thread. I'm sure it will get a lot of use.
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Old 07-03-2008, 04:14 AM
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Lynn, seriously, great idea. Everyone will love it
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Old 07-03-2008, 04:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiny_Dancer (View Post)
This is a great idea for a thread. I'm sure it will get a lot of use.
I sure hope so Thank you, guys
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Old 07-03-2008, 04:38 AM
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so maybe i will give you my little one shot
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Old 07-03-2008, 04:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by naleyforever (View Post)
so maybe i will give you my little one shot
sure thing Just say what you want (brainstorimg or criticism) and I'll read it
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Old 07-03-2008, 04:48 AM
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Alrighty then i will suggest mine
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Old 07-03-2008, 05:01 AM
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great idea
even more fics to read
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Old 07-03-2008, 05:31 AM
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here is one of my one shot

This is not how it’s supposed to be. She should be in life now, not in my arms anymore. She should be smiling, not having any expressions on her face. This son of bitch killed her, because she didn’t want to seeing me killed.
I can’t believe her body was lifeless, she was lifeless. And this little baby, this little baby is lifeless too. Yeah, she was pregnant, she had his baby.
He put his hand on her belly and lift her.
-“ Why did you do that? Why did you kill her? Whispered Dean.
- Because she asked it to me, because she loved you Winchester, yeah Haley loved you Dean.
- She asked? I need her, i need my wife, i need my baby too.
- He will live, your boy will live Dean, but not your wife, it’s over.

Two months later, Dean was sitting on a bench, watching carefully the little boy who was watching a photography.

-Dad, do you think Mum is watching us? Asked the little boy
- I’m sure she is Jamie, she is taking care of us.
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:09 AM
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Aww, I love the story, it's sweet

But there are some things that are "off"

- how do you want to narrate the story? First person ("She should be in life now, not in my arms anymore." or third person ("Yeah, she was pregnant, she had his baby.
He put his hand on her belly and lift her.")

- there are some grammatical errors, for example:
"She should be in life now, not in my arms anymore." - "She should be alive now, not in lying in my arms. She should be smiling, not having no expressions / but her lips were pale and her face expressionless."
"Yes, she had been pregnant."
"He put his hand on her belly and lifted her."
"Because she asked me to. She loved you, Winchester. Yes, Haley loved you, Dean."
(see below)

- After two months a baby cannot speak

Other than that I really like your one-shot. I beta-ed it, looked for grammatical errors and went with the third-person narrative:

Quote:
This was not how it was supposed to be. She was supposed to be alive now, not lying in his arms. She should be smiling and laughing, yet her lips were pale, bloodless even, and her face was expressionless. The demon had killed her. She had died because she didn't want Dean to be killed.
He couldn't believe that ehr body was lifeless now, that she was lifeless. And the baby, their little baby was lifeless, too. He put his hand on her belly and lifted her.
"Why did you do that? Why did you kill her?" Dean whispered.
"Because she asked me to. She loved you, Winchester, she really loved you."
"She asked you?" Dean yelled. "But I need her! I need my wife and I need my child, too!"
"Your child will live, your boy will live, Dean. But not your wife."

Several years later, Dean found himself sitting on a bench, carefully watching his son. They were looking at photographs together.
"Dad, do you think Mum is watching us?" the boy asked, pointing to a picture of Haley.
"I'm sure she is, Jamie, she's taking care of us."
I hope you didn't mind me beta-ing, and I hope I wasn't too harsh Did that help you any?
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:20 AM
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i liked it, this is Supernatural story right?
i assume you're still not done with it..i like the first part you wrote and i think sweet_zelda covered all mistakes
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:26 AM
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eriously, Lynn, you were not hard !
I'm French so i had some errors i know them.
I would love that you can be my BETA

And i love how you arrange it

It's a crossover SPN/OTH
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by naleyforever (View Post)
eriously, Lynn, you were not hard !
I'm French so i had some errors i know them.
I would love that you can be my BETA

And i love how you arrange it

It's a crossover SPN/OTH
Sure, I can help you with your stories I am German, though, so I might not spot all the mistakes, either

phew, I'm so glad I wasn't too hard
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:35 AM
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Congratulations
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Old 07-03-2008, 11:23 PM
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I'm sort of stuck with a CB fic (gossip girls)

this is what I have so far


Quote:
LOVE ME NOW!

Summary: This an AU Chuck/Blair fic that is a spin off of the DS AU fic Love me Fully. This story starts moments before Blair, Serena and Dan come to Chuck’s rescue. It’s about the evolution of their relationship. Basically it’s about how Blair and Chuck fall in love.

Chapter 1:

Blair tried to lower the tight and obscenely tacky skirt she was wearing. She had teased her hair and wore more make-up than she had ever worn in her life. Basically, she looked like bottom of the barrel skank and she hated that she looked that way. She put on her raincoat—the one with a very large hood—and finished off the look with a pair of large sunglasses—which were intended to make sure she went undetected. Parts of her hated Chuck Bass for making her do this. If anyone ever found that she walked the streets looking like a cheap Brooklyn hooker he would surely pay for that crime. But, another part of her just wanted him safe. Chuck had this tendency to drive up the wall, but he also made her feel alive. She couldn’t get rid of the gnawing feeling in her stomach that had been there since she’d gotten his text. She hated the idea that especially some useless nobody could hurt him. So, in order to help out someone that she viewed as a friend, she was risking public detection and humiliation. “He better be worth it,” said a little voice inside her head. Blair simply grimaced and knocked on the bathroom door, “S hurry up. The faster we get this done, the faster I can shower and get out of these hideous clothes.”

“I’m coming, B. A little patience would be nice and stop complaining this was your idea after all.”

Blair rolled her eyes and said, “don’t remind me.”

Her clicked against the wooden tiles as she paced. She hated all the waiting. She didn’t understand how lightly Serena was taking this. He was her brother now. She was acting as if he didn’t matter. Blair wanted to shake some sense into her. It was like the girl had some skewed sense of ethics. How could she be so nonchalant especially since it was she who had gotten them into this mess? It was all her fault, yet she seemed like she didn’t care. Finally, the bathroom door opened and Serena emerged looking like a taller, blonder version of Blair. She looked at her friend and started bubbling over with laughter. “Tell me I don’t look that ridiculous?”

“Okay, you don’t look that ridiculous.”

“What’s with the raincoat, B?”

“There is no way, I’m going to let anyone I know see me dressed like that.”

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