The X-Files - I'm Sorry.

ChoirNerd · 07-23-2008, 11:08 PM

This has to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

Or at least one of them.

I'm not sure if this is "its-own-thread" worthy, but I'm going to make one anyway, feel free to lock it later, mods, if you so choose.

I know I haven't been on much lately. I've been in and out of the hospital, at least once a week due to all my medical issues. I've been saying that I've been told I have 2 years if I play my cards right.

That's a lie.

The cancer has almost completely taken over my body, and my immune system's practically shot. I have less than two years. Way less. One year, maybe. If I stay super healthy and never ever forget one pill, one treatment, one blink of the eye.

And I'm having way too many surgeries to keep up with. I don't want to just be gone and never be back here again. I love you guys so much, you've all been so supportive of me and what I'm going through, and what I've been through.

You're all basically my life lines.

Especially you, Aine. Your non-stop love, support and kind words have been so much of what's been keeping me from killing myself. No lie. Knowing someone across the world cares about what happens to me and what I'm feeling, and how I'm feeling, and what's going on in my life. I love you, and everything you've done for me. Putting up with my constant bitching and giving me cyber hugs whenever you get the chance...You're one of the only people I've ever met online that I can truly call a friend. Thank you.

But I'm afraid I have to leave. If things start looking up again, I'll come back and post my heart out, but I don't think I'll be able to deal with it if I type out a message like this 3 days before I die, or I don't get to type one at all.

Amy decided she didn't really like it so much on FF; the rules, the not knowing anybody...But I'm going to ask her to log on and tell you all when I'm...not here anymore. Just so you know that I won't be coming back.

I'm really sorry. I wish this would just end and I could go back to chatting with you fine people all the time like I used to. But it won't. And I can't.

But know! I WILL see XF2 the SECOND it premiers here and I will be thinking about every single one of you the whole time. Mulder, Scully, and every single person I've ever known on the XF section of FanForum will forever be in my heart, even if it only beats for another year.

Thank you all so much for being so kind, and gracious, and thoughtful...considerate. There are so many nice words I could use to describe you guys, but I don't have the time, nor energy to do so. So I'll just say thank you again.

With love,
Apryl

P.S.: I'm going to be on for a few more days to respond if anyone has any questions or anything else to say. Just letting you know.

P.P.S.: I've previewed this thing like 9 times and it still doesn't feel right. But I hope it conveys the message, and I hope you understand.

**neel luvs tony** · 07-23-2008, 11:23 PM

So sorry to hear this Apryl

I really do hope you get better and will pray for you . Really not good with words and it's hard to even imagine what you must be going through but I know you are one of the strongest people I have known.

I really hope you beat this thing and come back here and tell us about it.

You are an inspiration, with everything..... your art, your attitude towards life. Thank you.

as well.

It is so terrible that you have to go through something like this. Please take care of your self and don't give up....I don't know much about you but I can say from what I have read you are a fighter. We are all here if you want to talk , rant anything

Kaholli · 07-23-2008, 11:33 PM

I am so shocked right now. I haven't really been catching up with all the threads in the past months and I from what I read I only got that you had some kind of kidney problems. I never knew it was that serious.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are facing right now and I really really hope there is still a chance you'll get through this.

At a loss for words right now, but with tears in my eyes I wish you all the best, lots of strength and positive thinking.
I would be very happy to see that incredibly talented and creative person you are here again some time in the future.

Holli

Blacky Smith · 07-24-2008, 12:58 AM

I am totally shocked right now... I... I don't know what I should say...

First time when I read something about your cancer I was shocked. And I hoped that everything will be good in a while but it's hard to hear it's not.

That's not fair. From my point of view it's not fair that a cancer will take you away. Why have all the best persons suffer so much in life?

I'm not a person who knows what to say in this situation... but I feel really sorry for you.

Let me give you again a few hugs

Like Neel said.. please take care of yourself and don't give up

*KIA* · 07-24-2008, 01:29 AM

I'm so shocked I have trouble breathing...

I'm so sorry Apryl. So sorry.

I'm sure I don't have any right to tell you to keep on fighting, cause that is what you have done all the time and it's hard to try and be strong when the odds are against you... still I hope... I just hope.
And I will pray.
There is always a chance...

I give you a really really strong long-distance hug

Cindy3138 · 07-24-2008, 07:43 AM

, it's so sad to read this. Don't know what to write that hasn't already been expressed by the other posts. Just know that we care and are praying for you

.

Mimimich · 07-24-2008, 09:24 AM

Apryl, I'm so terribly sorry to hear that

I don't really know what to say, as said before me it has already been said, but I will be thinking of you

Although I've not known you personally you have been incredibly strong and brave throughout what you have posted, and as Neel said, an inspiration.

ele309 · 07-24-2008, 09:25 AM

Oh, wow I didn't expect that when I clicked on this thread.
Apryl, I hope you'll enjoy the time you've left as much as you can.

Enjoy the movie.

And I'm very sorry.

**JayDeeMac** · 07-24-2008, 05:18 PM

Oh god Apryl I'm so sorry.

When I clicked on this thread I was expecting you to be saying something like "I'm sorry, I know as an X-Files fan I should automatically have loved the new film but it's just not that great.!" I certainly wasn't prepared to read that and I just can't express how sad I am to hear it.

As I was reading it my eyes began to tear up which I think shows how great a place like this can be. I've never met you and never will but I feel like I know you and I care for you

As someone who has often struggled to be happy in life without having to face what you do, I find your spirit and strength to be incredible

I would tell you to never give up, to keep fighting etc but somehow I don't think I have to tell you that. You don't seem to be the kind of person to just give in. You seem like the kind of person who will keep fighting, the kind of person who will never give in and accept it, the kind of person you hear about every so often that defeats the odds. That's who I think you are.

And I encourage you to keep posting here if you feel like it. Whether you are looking for encouragement, support, love or just an outlet for a foul-mouthed rant we will be here.

Anyway I think I've rambled on enough for now.

One last thing though. I was sent this poem years back which I saved at the time and pretty much forgot about until now.

Cancer can take many things away from you but there are a lot of things it cannot do

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul

And it cannot conquer the spirit

greyocean · 07-24-2008, 06:47 PM

im so unbelievably sorry.

Ludmi83 · 07-24-2008, 09:36 PM

OMG I'm in totally shock!!
I'm so sorry and I really don't know what to say!!
You maybe don't remember me but I remember you on here and in the Huddy thread!

You are going to be on my prayers allways! Cancer is such a cruel disease, my uncle die of cancer 2 years ago so I really have not words.

Take care and all my good energy for you and your family!

*KIA* · 07-25-2008, 07:37 AM

Quote:

And I encourage you to keep posting here if you feel like it. Whether you are looking for encouragement, support, love or just an outlet for a foul-mouthed rant we will be here.

I couldn't agree more!

ChoirNerd · 07-25-2008, 10:20 AM

Thank you, so much for your kind words. Everyone. Every single letter made my heart beat a little faster and my eyes water a little more. I am, at this point, crying. I didn't know everybody's reactions would be like that, and it means so much that you care.

John, that's an amazing poem; I'm hanging it up on my wall. And if I decide I need some helpful words, or I need to vent, or maybe even mention how badass Scully was in XF2, I'll come straight here.

Thanks so much for being there for me. It means more than you can possibly even begin to imagine, and I will hold it close until my final breath.

Love you guys.

**neel luvs tony** · 07-25-2008, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChoirNerd (View Post)

Thank you, so much for your kind words. Everyone. Every single letter made my heart beat a little faster and my eyes water a little more. I am, at this point, crying. I didn't know everybody's reactions would be like that, and it means so much that you care.

John, that's an amazing poem; I'm hanging it up on my wall. And if I decide I need some helpful words, or I need to vent, or maybe even mention how badass Scully was in XF2, I'll come straight here.

Thanks so much for being there for me. It means more than you can possibly even begin to imagine, and I will hold it close until my final breath.

Love you guys.

Eilleen · 07-25-2008, 02:09 PM

Oh my God, Apryl

I just read this now and I can't stop crying. I can't even tell how sorry I am.

This can't be happening... I am so so so sorry, I don't know what to say

I've only known you online for a short while but I know that you're such a sweet and kind girl. You'll be in my prayers always