Sunrise at Midnight

Oh my gosh that is a lot to be carrying around emotionally! I totally understand what you mean now. Big kudos to you for being able to keep your...would the right word here be morals? As an outsider to your suituation, after reading your post, my first thought about your grandmother was maybe she feels like she's failed with the others, so when she see how you've been able to avoid what the others have been involved in, sshe takes it out on you because it's easier to place blame on the one who turned out different. I truly hope you can get what you want from her one day.

Subject

Well, most of that happened after 12th grade.. so I have a lot more story to tell. Like about my abusive step father. (my life before 13)

My step family never accept me, this was all before 13. Before my mother got a divorce. I was the only brown kid, one of few in a town of semi-racist white people. My mother always seemed to like the fact that she had daughters now.. (three step sisters) So she spent a lot time with them, mainly doing mother daughter stuff. While they were off doing that I was mainly watching television (my true love) I did like baseball so I joined a local team (all white except me). Little league, umm for two years, the first year we became champions. I wasn't that good of a player but I tried hard. So we won the championship and everyone got little trophys... except me. They said there was a mistake and mine was lost in the mail... It never came still, I was a kid a tried to ignore it... Then my second year my cousin Steven joined because his mom thought it was a good idea and we could be good together. Both great intentions..but he stole the spotlight.. he was a star on the team.. great at sports.. Pretty much everything I wasn't. I just kinda stopped playing baseball after that. In my mind I thought I was a pretty good player but he kind of unintentionally showed me how bad I was. I haven't played baseball since.

That said I am not a saint I have down things in my life that I am ashamed. However, one of those things helped me realize I would never hit a girl. I am not a violent person or an abuser. That separates them from me.

I once hurt a girl on purpose..we were talking and I was high on weed. I forget the conversation but for reason I think I was trying to get her to look at me while we were talking and I pulled her hair. She said ow.. and looked at me... that look, the look that I caused her pain. I couldn't stand it. It still is one of the mistakes in my life that I wish I could take back. Seeing her eyes, it just said something to me.

I learned that moment that I never want to be someone who causes another human being physical pain. I can't stand when girl cry.. I don't understand how anyone could.

Ron_Beckett

For being a virgin I sure do write a lot of sex scenes in my fanfics

BlackSapphire

^ Wow you're strong! I have nothing but admiration for you lol

Ron_Beckett

Um...thanks I guess.

While I no longer believe in abstinence at this point it's more over the fact that I still haven't gotten my life together yet (ie a stable job etc) so I don't want to jump into any added complications.

And plus there's not many places I can meet people around here.

BlackSapphire

Sorry, I didn't mean to annoy you or anything. I just admire people that have self respect and they have their priorities in order, which you seem to have.
Yes, no point in causing unnecessary complications

Ron_Beckett

Not an annoyance no worries

It doesn't bother me.

I had the opportunity once but I had enough value and self respect for it.

A guy made a move on me at a restaurant and flat out asked if I wanted to have sex with him and as much as I contemplated the idea I was just passing through and didn't see the point other than the typical "experience it to get it over with" reason.

Part of me wishes I had gone through with it but at the same time I'm glad I didn't.

LLamacorn In Training

Last night was talking with a friend who is very touchy feely and I like that type of interaction. I am too, to a degree. I wish he wasn't married or had a kid. He is everything... well in a way everything I am looking for in a relationship. And I look at my life and wish I was in a relationship with someone. Ugh!

darkxtwisty

Yea, don't fall in the trap of doing it just to get it over with. That's the story of my life. I found out the last of my 'virgin' friends had lost their virginity when I was 20, so I felt 'alone' and I wound up rushing into some situations just to get the experience... honestly, the only thing that benefited from this 'promiscuous' period in my life was my writing. It is easier to write sex scenes when you actually know what sex feels like. So I don't necessarily regret it, I just wish my first experience could have been special. Still waiting for the fireworks everyone talks about. Until then I'll live in fantasy fic land and romance novels.

Ron_Beckett

Yeah that's the hard part: being a virgin, a writer, and writing sex scenes. All I can go on are what I gain from movies, tv, and novels and fantasy. So in that regard when I write sex scenes for fanfiction it's not entirely accurate because I don't have the experience to really know.

It's hard being a virgin sometimes because even we still have those natural urges so the only place of "relief" is through novels and such

MarissaAngell

Howdie all!

Me not so good but hanging on.
My bf and me are at the last of our so called relationship and probs I'll just tell him in face how he's hurt me all this time while hiding his actual feelings and only now telling me after I've been like interrogating him to find out.
I'm kinda tired of that..

And we actually did it.. well not entirely so not sure whether I might be half-virgin now, but quite honest I don't give a burp about that anymore because yes, it was painful due to me being too sensitive at places and that I haven't been "playing" with myself before, but once we tried it a bit and I got over the pain point it did feel really weird and all the time felt like I'm gonna poop (pardon if I ruined your appetite) and while at some angle it felt kinda good I can't tell I want it again. Unless it's him bc with him I just feel like that's where I belong, however it's not a big deal for me right now... I have to deal much more crazy stuff emotionally and while I flippin miss those special moments we had I also feel pressured by his personality weirdness blasts that takes all the romance away.

However, I feel it's *was* love and at this point I am a swan in the situation..
But in case he changes his mind I'm in no rush to find someone else in the nearest couple decades bc I know I will not ever find another such man to replace what once was my heaven, my cloud 9. Bc the only other one I would ever feel desire for is already ditto and not even on my side of road....

If anyone has seen the latest Hobbit movie and knows what Tauriel said at the end it's head-on-point how do I feel....

Ron_Beckett

I know we've probably talked about before but when you're a virgin what else is there?

One of the hardest parts (form a girl's perspective) is the sexual arousal.

For me when I'm on my period I get really going and it's like damn it I know I'm human but just stop- I haven't even done it yet.

So here comes the semi-awkward part:

Do you just ignore it or just go for self pleasure?

Subject

Ron!? I thought you were a dude!

Of course you go for self pleasure. Before you can even try to to make someone else happy you need to learn how to make yourself happy.

That said I do read erotica fiction. It makes me feel better I like to believe even in fake relationships. ... Yet somehow reading them I do become somewhat more depressed then when I started.

Ron_Beckett

Yeah I get that a lot. I have one of those unisex names.

I suppose so. I'd never thought of it like that. Makes sense too since I often hear the first time can hurt for a woman (sometimes).

I try to use smut fanfics or visuals like pictures. Pregnancy tends to turn me on as weird as that sounds. I don't want kids but it's just my body's natural response to what it was designed for.

Sunrise at Midnight

Agreed, go for the self help. Why be tormented with something you can fix it's nothing to be ashamed of. We're capable of doing things like that for a reason. If we weren't meant to, those areas would be out of our reach

We have two Ron's here, one female, one Male.