Ron_Beckett

Ron_Beckett

Previously:

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Yeah, right now I'm just trying anything: posting, listening to music. The urges are still there but I can't screw this up. I won't. I've always cut this close near the end of school and I don't want to anymore. Not only that but I have graduation in a couple weeks so the last thing I need is for my arm to be bandaged up when it'll be one of those rare times where I wear a dress with a thin strap and not even cutting on my chest would work since the dress is a bit low. I just have too much to plan for so I can't let it get the best of me.

Tina

You go girl.

Are you excited about graduation?

Ron_Beckett

You know it's hard to get excited over graduation because I don't know how my science class is gonna pan out. I keep expecting the worse- expecting to fail. My parents and everyone is trying to plan as if I am graduating but I can't yet because I'm too terrified of my failure and then it will be embarassing if I do.

Science just doesn't mix with me. I took zoology and failed that, I've taken geology twice and failed that. I just need one more science and that's what's holding me back.

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What do you think of the OP?!

Tina

I wish you nothing but the best

I like the OP! You did a great job!

Collins

With death, I am the same. Every day I wonder, when is it going to happen? It could be at any moment and it worries me a lot. Some days the thought is in my head all day that one day I will no longer exist and it is so overwhelming.

I like the tattoo idea, that's great. School has stressed me out to those lengths before, so I can relate to how you feel.

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My update is that I have been feeling much better lately. I am living back where I am comfortable and things are more accessible. I spoke with a couple of my close friends about how I have been feeling with them lately and we realized a problem in our friend group is just miscommunication. I feel happy with them again and we had a lot of fun this weekend. We also talk more often.

I like to be outside everyday again and my overall health has felt better. I plan to get a job soon as well. My only problem right now is school. I dropped my courses, but my parents still think I'm doing school, they keep asking me about it and I feel guilty about lying about it every time. I know I have to tell them eventually, but it's just hard because when I've mentioned taking another break from school again, they get angry so I just get really self-conscious about it.

Ron_Beckett

That's great Chris. Things somehow find a way of working out even if they don't.

I completely understand about the whole school thing. After high school I did a year of college for a bit and then I went back for my second fall semester but that's when things started falling apart so I dropped out and was out of school for the fall semester. My parents made me make the condition that I could live with them provided that I go to a community college the following spring and they would get me the help I needed so I complied. I started seeing a therapist and was prescribed and anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug.

I ended up going to school again that next fall semester but to a different school instead of the one I was at. Turns out it's been a better fit for me.

I still stuffer with my depression, anxiety, and SI urges and it's only been recently when I have finally felt some sort of control over it all.

SI urges are the worst though. At least I was able to not give into it yesterday so there's a small win.

Tina

I'm happy to hear you talked to your friends, Chris. Do you plan on returning to school, or just trying to figure out what you want to do?

Ron:

Collins

Tina - I'm just going to spend time now thinking about what my next step will be.

Ron, any win I see as a great victory.

Today I thought back to how you said you would never be able to go through with suicide and how now I'm basically the same worrying so much about death and all. But before when I did attempt it, I wasn't the same at all. It feels like that was so long ago, but back then I saw death as a release, it was comforting to think of not having to deal with everything anymore. My death anxiety is so high sometimes, that I wish I could have the same idea about it as I did then. I think I'll overcome it with age, but something that helped me was when someone who had been pronounced clinically dead but had come back to life, told me that, "you will never be conscious that you are dead" and when they "died" it was extremely peaceful. It definitely helped me to not worry about it so much and when I'm having an anxiety attack about it, it calms me down.

LLamacorn In Training

Happy to report I have found other ways on riding the depression off. By getting involved in things I love.

i never learn

i caught someone staring at my scars today. what followed was that look.

Ron_Beckett

Ah yes that look. People judge so easily when they see and yet they're too afraid to ask.

For the most part I try to be upfront about mine. I don't want to feel shame or hide behind a wall so a lot of people know. As it is some times people notice me in my own bubble when I have my iPod on and reading so they figure there's something going on.

~Unfaithful~

I hate depression. I feel like I have 3 beautiful kids and I have no reason to hate myself so much. I should be happy. I am so far from happy though.
I hate myself, my husband doesn't help. When things are bad he reminds me that we are in the situation we are in because of me. I am a screwup. He tells me that every thing I already think is true.
If I didn't have my kids I would be dead. They are the only reason I hang on. I will never ever have them think they are the reason I didn't want to live. I could never put that on them.
Some days are better than others. When my husband and I aren't fighting and I can almost forget how bad things are. Those days I don't hate myself.

i never learn

i'm jealous! i don't tell anyone about my scars. i mostly just joke and say: i own a lot of cats. although, i haven't cut in like ten years. i just hate it when people stare. that's why i'm getting them tattooed over. too be ironic, i got two swords on my wrist...

and, yeah! you in a private moment with yourself equates a red flag.

1. he's a toolbag!
2. it's not true.
3. you can turn it around.

Tina

I agree on all three counts on this, Sarah. You deserve so much more, sweetie.