Lain

I will admit, I haven't been feeling all that great fully the past two months.

Sometimes I admire those who have someone they could talk to one on one, or easily open up to that person since I have a difficult time opening up to someone without wondering if I bothered them too much about what I'm going through, possibly driven them off, or give them the impression that I'm some sort of attention seeker drama queen.

Obviously, I'm not. But keeping negative feelings to yourself in an emotionally stifled environment can only take that much.

*KindKennen*

Kris, If ever you need someone to talk to, listen to you, be a sounding board for you, please feel free to PM me if you want. I have 37 years experience with depression. And 12 years experience with meds and seeing a psyciatrist(3 different ones over the years).

Lain

I don't know. I recently mailed someone a letter about two weeks ago via Priority Mail about what's on my mind. Never heard from that friend again.

*KindKennen*

Sorry that happened to you..... may take a while to receive a reply if ever.

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder AKA Manic Depressive Disorder, a close friend at first seemed OK about it 6 months later when my husband made me go off my meds, my friend was so happy. When her husband was campaigning to become Mayor, he told his wife(my friend) to stop associating with me. I could hurt his campaign. If pictures of us out together around town and for some reason a reporter or so got privledged info about my mental status, it would "look bad" that they associate with someone mentally ill. I use to talk to her almost everyday on the phone. Some days up to 3 times! Was a shock when I was asked not to call any more, not to come to their neighbor hood or "drop in" for a quick visit since I was in the area. He practically got a restraining order keeping me off their block. Even 12 years later.

Again, Kris, my offer stands. I am not wanting, curious, or going to tell anyone. Not even my journal. I have been burned too many times by others breeching my confidences(telling my deepest secrets, thoughts, & feelings I had told no one before. What a shock it was to walk around campus and see and feel other turning to look at me or point and start whispering or talking saying some word for word quotes I had said. I wanted to die, at least disappear by becoming invisible! People can be so cruel! Friends can be hurtful without trying to be. Just because they are trying to be helpful doesn't mean they always are.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Feelings of depression, even mild are disconserting. What is mild for us can seem moderate or deep depending how cheerful some are everyday!

Lain

The thing is I often have this insecurity where I feel that my issues are not really significant, compare to the others around me, or in other parts of the world. Like I have no right to feel certain ways. Certain people want me to open up to them about it but the way they ask, it's scary.

Sorry about your friend though. The husband was really out of his mind. Do you remember if he won the election?

*KindKennen*

Yes, he won the election. He went around the town and knocked on almost everyone's door in the small town like he personally knew each person,it was like his campaign politics101.

xlennie

Hi guys I'm Heleen.

I'm really sorry to hear about your stories. I can't believe people can be so cruel and mean to do things like that, Karen. And Kris, I also can't believe your friend never mailed you back.

*KindKennen*

Hi Heleen, Yes, people, close friends can change by the influence of others. In this case, her husband. I have lived long enough to know you are bound to get hurt even by your nearest closest friend. Even if you have known each other for 5 years or more. And some people don't know how to react or respond when another person bares their soul and painfully shares their pain making them vunerable. To not get a response from that person feels like total rejection. You can feel angry because you have told them such a personal secret and don't know if they are going to start telling everybody or not. Talking about stress, a panic attack! It will be a real doozie. OK lorazepam, do your work and calm me down!

Crimson Glow

Hello everyone!

I'm newly back to FF after a 5 year hiatus. Depression is something I believe I've dealt with for the majority of my life. I've never seen a doctor or a therapist beyond court ordered for a DUI, because I feel ashamed to admit to family members there's something wrong. I have inklings my mother has always known something's wrong but with my family history(I have both a sister and a brother who have attempted suicide) the last thing I want to do is make my parents feel there's something wrong that THEY did, for us to end up this way.

Most of the time I can deal with it fine, sleep is a big escape for me but the last few months have been very eventful and has triggered one of the worst episodes I can remember in a long time. I had been in a relationship over that last year which was very emotionally abusive on both sides and in December turned physical. Looking back I'm not sure what I was thinking but I stayed, trying to work things out because in the end I love him and wanted to believe things would be different. Soon after that I lost my job as a cosmetologist, after basically being called a retard by my boss. It crushed me to think I spend almost two years of my life, wasted thousands of dollars on school for something that I pretty much just am not good at.
In February I ended up in the hospital for a week, finding out I have a condition called pseudo tumor. The doctor told me it is directly related to my weight, which is a huge insecurity for me as it is, then to learn that I almost went blind because of it. Finally last month I ended my relationship with my boyfriend which was by no means an ammicable split. He took everything I told him in confidence and used it against me. Calling me every name in the book and poking directly at specific insecurities that he knew would hurt me the most.
For the last month I do okay if I have things to do during the day, it's when I'm by myself and let my mind wonder that I just feel helpless. Most of my days I spend lying in bed, hoping that todays not another day that I break down. I think that was a big motivation to come back to FF after so long.

*KindKennen*

You have gone through a lot of rough emotional experiences!
Glad you are back to and this thread. Even if you were gone 5 years, you are welcome here. I took a year off March 2009-March2010. I was too depressed and then was hospitalized for 5 weeks for depression that just didn't want to go away for a long time. It took 5 more months being back home(mid December) when all depression was
I told you more about myself in a private message(PM)

Crimson Glow

*KrazyKennen*, I'm glad things have turned out better for you. That's so much to go through to feel better!
Thank you for the welcome, as well.I figured if I came back it would give me something to do during the day beside sit around. The busier I keep myself the better it seems to be, you know.

bh11000

Hey everyone

I´m sorry for your stories If anyone need help or just want to make a friend feel free to PM me I love helping people

Crimson Glow

I had a rough day today. Started out fine but as I was driving home from running errands I saw my ex walking down the street. It's been the first time since we've broken up i've seen him. As soon as I saw him I slammed on my brakes and started to cry.
He didn't seem to notice me but i got home and just cried for what seemed like hours. Seems stupid, I know......

*KindKennen*

Doesn't seem stupid to me. It is amazing how quickly even a glance can get an instant emotional reaction and can then cause crying for up to hours and hours.

crash landing

Back again and feeling it with the depression