room to breathe

Sunrise at Midnight

Thanks for starting! The OP looks amazing! I'll share my story later but for right now I just wanna say, there is nothing to be embarrassed by or to feel shameful about and talking really does help.

room to breathe

I completely agree . I spent a very long time ignoring the truth, letting it consume me, and never sharing the truth with people. It is only through opening up which has allowed me to heal, not running from it. Accepting it and speaking about it has also allowed me to take more control over my life and not let my PTSD/depression/anxiety/ect. take control. For too long they ruled my life and I have become agoraphobic because of it but moving in with my girlfriend and away from family I lost a lot of my support network which I was hiding behind and it forced me to face my fears. Moving here also meant I had to change psychologists and I lost the support from some family who thought that my moving would only cause my mental state to get worse and I guess I had something to prove but I also finally saw the chance to fight for me. I also finally had someone tell me to stop seeing myself as the victim and to see myself as a survivor and have me listen. I feel as though people told me that in the past but I was never ready to hear it before then.

For me, my story of abuse is that my parents were abusive in multiple ways when I was little. I stopped living with them when I was four because of it but I never healed from that. Nothing happened to my parents, I had grandparents saying I was lying and it could not have happened, and mostly it was just ignored and we (my uncle who took me in) did not talk about it. Looking back now I feel that the environment I was in was only making me see it negatively and it already traumatised me so it only made it worse. My mother's mainly guilty of neglect; the neglect of seeing what her husband was doing to us and believing us. But I also now realise he was abusing her too as he controlled her and made decisions for them and that was probably how he could have her believe anything he said so easily. It does not make me want to forgive my mother or like her but it does put things in perspective and since she does now believe me we have reached an understanding where we are mostly nice enough to each other to communicate when we have to. My father though is thankfully dead but he fills my nightmares with what he did to me and my sister. I always feel as though he abused us in every way possible but there are a lot of other ways you can abuse someone (as my OP lists) which he did not do. I am still haunted by what happened even though it was twenty years ago and I still have nights where I close my eyes and all I see is his face haunting me (and he has been dead for about seven and half years so there is no way he could hurt me again).

LLamacorn In Training

Awesome thread! Thanks for starting this! Remember, as people become comfortable they will post I'll end up posting my own here soon, just need to get it in words in writing because it's hard many times, and some reoccuring feelings have came up lately and this happened years ago. I think because of something a so called friend asked me awhilr back which ended up 1. hurting me but 2. feeling ashamed of it happening though it wasn't my fsult.

Sunrise at Midnight

Rae that's a lot to keep inside. Eventually it's gonna come out in other ways like you described. It's really hard when no one believes you and even harder when you wanna make healing steps forward and people wanna hold you back.

When you finally opened up did you feel physically different, my sister describe her moment as feeling weightless for a few hours. She was so weighed down by carrying everything inside.


Mandie. When you're ready.


My experience is more from a witness point of view. It happened directly to my sister and her daughters and I used to feel like I could have prevented it somehow, if maybe I had paid more attention, saw a sign I missed along the way...

Truth is there is nothing we could have done as it was so slow and subtle that by the time warning signs went up, it was to late, damage had already been done.

My sister married what we all thought was a nice and caring man...

Without going into to much detail, he pretty much took control of my sister and her life without her realizing it, from who she talked to, where she went, dressed, how her hair was styled, color of her nails. She never came to see me or my parents without him. He answered her phone, had access to her emails, texts, voice messages, Facebook... All red flags, if we had seen it. He had done it in such a way that it just seemed like they were sharing everything and her style choices, well, we all go through phases, right?

Sometime after the birth of their second child, he really went into "alpha male" mode. We started noticing some little things and when we'd ask, my sister would just brush it off. Not much you can do if no one ways to talk about it, right?... Well the prick decided he was gonna have an affair, and my sister found her voice and tried to kick him out. This did not go over well. There was some more mental, verbal and this time physical abuse. We were finally able to get my sister and her kids away and get the process of divorce started.

Little did we know this wasn't the worst of it.

The custody arrangement that was delivered by the judge didn't sit well with her now ex husband. He was awarded every other weekend with the kids. During one of these weekends, he thought it'd be a good idea to start sexually abusing my youngest niece. We still don't know exactly when it started but know it had to have been happening for a few months. It it was a miracle that one day my oldest niece just happened to wake up and walked in on what was happening to her sister. He never touched my oldest niece, but he'd say inapproporate things to her, make her uncomfortable.

This started an entirely new battle. There were court hearings, the piece of trash was convicted and sent away. His family wasn't to happy we had him put away. It began a cycle of harassment, and lawsuits because according to them , it was all a lie. Evidence didn't matter. They'd show up at work places, hunt us down on Facebook, livejournal...get phone numbers...when I got sick, they tried to use my cancer to sue for custody of the kids.

He is behind bars and still trying to control my sister. He has told her repeatedly, the sexual abuse on their kids was all her fault, if she'd just let him have the affair...

It's been a few years now, and my sister and nieces have been in therapy and are actually doing quite well now, but they're still dealing with all that happened. There are major trust issues with men. But they are healing.

It took a long time but my sister eventually stopped berating herself for allowing this to happen. She knows know it's not her fault and it's nothing to feel ashamed about. She's open with the kids, they have questions, she tries to answer and honestly and openly as she can.

It's a process. It's not gonna go away over night, it may never fade. it doesn't define who they are. There is no shame or embarrassment. They realized pretty quickly that keeping it in wasn't helping anyone. When they wanna talk. We talk about it. We try not to brush it under the rug because that implies it's something to hide.

There was a lot more to the story than this, but if I told it all you'd be reading a book but I think you get the gist.

room to breathe

for your entire family Kali.

What I find is that the hardest thing for the family is hearing that their relative has done something so horrible. They do not want to believe that the person they know could do something so evil so they turn the tables on the accusers and cause them even more pain. But what his family did to all of you is disgusting. When children are involved all I can think is how can you believe that children would make something like that up? It is wonderful that they are able to heal and the open and they have the supportive environment that you are all providing for them.

No. I get anxious and have only been able to do it in small amounts. My post in here I wrote more but took it out because I am still keeping it in. Unlike the atmosphere your family is providing mine did not have that. I do not know my family on my mother's side and reading your post I am now considering maybe it was a possibility my father had my mother separated from her family but I have no idea there. But my grandparents (father's parents) never believed me or my sister, called us liars, and made comments on how we should be returned to our parents. My uncle tried to provide for us and take care of us but his way was to ignore it and move on, never talk about it. My sister was nine when we got free and I was four. She had five more years of it than me and whatever pain she went through ate at her until she reached a point where she killed herself (she was fourteen and I was nine then). It was not until that happened that my uncle realised he could not ignore what happened and started getting help for me but I never wanted that. For years I refused to talk and just wanted my sister back as I felt she was the only one who understood. I have trust issues so I did not want to open up to strangers. Now I am finally taking the steps to heal and actually opening up to anyone outside of the therapy sessions is a newer thing. My uncle still does not want to hear details of what his brother did to me but I have been able to speak with one of my cousins I am really close to and that did give me some freedom but while doing it I was extremely anxious/panicking which made it harder to talk. I am still admitting the truth to myself and coming to accept it and there is still this part of me which feels it is not something to speak openly about and I do not feel comfortable opening up. But this thread and being one of the first to share a story was my leap of faith to trust that good will come out of it not bad.

Of course, and there is nothing wrong with that. That is part of why I questioned it as it is very hard to admit the truth and open up but sometimes it is good to know there is a place where you can. If someone would like to share their story they can, if they would instead prefer to read the thread or just talk about something else until they are comfortable or to make them feel better that is fine too . The thread is to support and different people need support in different ways. Whatever your story is it was not your fault and if you feel ready to open up one day that is your choice Mandie . But it was never your fault and it is not something to feel ashamed about, we have all been there at some point.

Sunrise at Midnight

Agreed 100%. My parents actually got along well with his parents and tried really hard to see this from their point as well and to try to talk things out,but his family just snapped.

It's really important that if someone tells you they're being abused, to listen. Don't automatically brush it off. Yes, there are false accusations, but more often than not its real.

sorry about your sister. That's a lot to have on your shoulders, especially at such a young age. the therapist has told us, that most people assume that younger victims will forget what happened, especially as the years pass. That couldn't be further from the truth. They tend to remember, very vividly as if it happened yesterday.

Small steps lead to great things. It's taking that first step that's the hardest and you've done that. Be it talking to a support team or posting here. That's a big accomplishment.

Something I've learned through dealing with cancer applies here too, in my support group we were told to talk to ourselves in a mirror, say one thing that bothers you, one thing you want and then to say something positive about yourself. I thought it was crazy but after doing it a few times, it really did help because I was facing myself and admitting things and it was like ..okay you said it, you can work through it, and there are good things about myself. We have a spinoff thread of that here anyway maybe a variation of something like that could help a little. Saying what you want to say to yourself may just make it easier to say to somebody else.


Did anyone catch Lady Gaga's Oscar performance, I saw it today, gotta say that applies in more than one area and how awesome that scha serious subject is be No talked about on a world stage. Bringing home the point, there is no shame of having been through something.

room to breathe

What you said from your cancer support group does sound like it would apply and work for people who have been in or are in an abusive situation. As you said; you are facing yourself, seeing the good and the bad, and accepting it over time and knowing what it is you want. It is understandable why most people would presume that. I know a lot of people who have small moments they can remember but a lot of their early memories are from what people have told them of that time not vivid recall.

Exactly. Unfortunately it took almost losing my life to make me start to want to care for myself. But how you get started is not as important as the journey or the destination, the fact that you have started and then eventually that you made it which is.

Sunrise at Midnight

100 thread views, that's good. Hopefully anyone lurking can take comfort in knowing they're not alone.

yup, that's exactly what it is, you're facing yourself, seeing yourself and seeing that by speaking these truths you wont break further.


That is true too, how you start that first step does't matter, it taking it. And it doesn't t matter how long you stay on that first step either.

Sunrise at Midnight

My sister introduced the guy she's been seeing to her kids today. She waited a while before she felt comfortable enough for that happen. It went better than expected. We thought the kids would have a reaction to him being unfamiliar and all that but they didn't.

BlondieLeigh

I never really talk about my childhood, I never have, even when I was still a child. I have opened up about it to a few people over the past few years, but as a general rule I just don't bring it up. Recently I've been struggling more than usual, though, and think that now I may need to.

My abuser was my dad. I don't actually know when it started because I don't remember there being a start, it was just always my reality. He's an incredibly racist, homophobic and sexist man, so my childhood was full of mind games and manipulation to try and turn me into what he is, and when that didn't work, he got violent.

His idea of discipline was hitting, and hitting hard, punching and strangulation were also favourite methods of his (although strangulation did seem to be reserved for me), and in his world, discipline was required for the slightest thing - breathing too loud, walking in a room at the wrong time, not eating dinner fast enough (to this day even the sight of vegetables makes me physically sick as a result of him forcing them down my throat), even things that couldn't possibly have been me, I got punished for - the internet connection cutting out, his not getting the overtime shifts he wanted at work etc. When he wasn't being physically violent, he was in my ear telling me I was worthless, that I wouldn't amount to anything, that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. When I passed every single one of my exams (including the extra subject I was taking voluntarily), he told me it wasn't good enough, I should have got straight As.

My most vivid memories of childhood involve him smashing my brother's gameboy because he didn't look up when he answered a question, and then snapping one of my school headbands in half to "make it fair". Him going to talk to my teachers on parents evenings where he proceeded to talk about himself as if I didn't exist (he always points to this as him being a great father as if he didn't go just to talk about himself). My brother being pinned to the floor by his neck (while he had a friend over) because he hadn't given the answer that had been wanted. Being dragged in through the front door by my hair when I had knocked to come in because he hadn't wanted to leave his satellite to open the door. Watching TV in the back room to stay out of his way, only for him to come in because my sister was with her tutor in the front room, and telling me that I would "regret what I do to him." because I was already watching something in there. Being in the car with him when I was young and hearing him tell me that we had to "get out of this country before being a homo is mandatory." I was too young to even understand what he meant at the time, but I know now, and it disgusts me.

To the outside world he was this great family man, he used to tell his colleagues about family days out to the beach and to theme parks. These trips never happened. The only thing he ever did on weekends was sit in front of the TV fiddling with his satellite dish to see if he could find a way to get more channels illegally, if we disturbed him, we got hit.

If I comforted my sister, or if I cried, he would mock me, tell me to stop being such a whiny baby and to stop acting like my sister's mother (I was about 10/11 the first time I can recall him saying this), that she had one of those, even if she was useless, and he would say this in front of our mother, who he also abused to a point where neighbours involved the police - of course, he then accused her of having an affair with the officer that arrested him, because he couldn't possibly have been arrested because he broke the law (as with most abuse victims, she took him back and decided not to pursue the case, even though the police and the CPS wanted her to).

To this day I still get told that I "misunderstood" what he meant when he called me worthless, and that I'm exaggerating the physical "discipline", and when it's not that that I'm hearing, it's one of his brothers telling me he knew what was going on and he's not surprised that my sister and I no longer speak to him (neither of us have for 7 years, now). That's not comforting at all, I don't know if he intended it to be, but what he actually told me is that he knew that when I was a child and was alone and scared, he knew and he did nothing about it.

Earlier this year he tried to use our grandfather's funeral to get my sister and I to talk to him, once again making everything about him. He then complained to his mother, who had just lost her husband, when we didn't. He tried the same at our cousin's wedding in August, this time acting like we owed him something. Before grandpa died, our father tried to get his parents to take us out of their will because we wouldn't speak to him, as if our relationship with them had anything to do with him.

I was bullied horribly in school but I would still lie when I was sick to try and still go if I knew he was going to be home - I hated school, but I hated home more.

I grew up terrified that he was going to kill me, and my mum and my siblings. Even though I have nothing to do with him now, sometimes I am still scared that he will. I don't trust people. I don't like going out and being in social situations all that much. I have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and OCD and I am on medication for it, but some days it still all gets too much. I'm hoping laying it all out there like this will help.

sunnykerr

You how soldiers come home and no one bats an eye that they'll spend the rest of their lives struggling with the world because they have PTSD, having seen all that they've seen? Well, you went through a war of your very own. Just calling it like I see it.

What you went through, aside from abuse of course, is called trauma. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you should just "snap out of it" or "get over it." There will come a day when all of this is well and truly beyond you, but you take your time. You do it at your own pace. And don't ever think that "slipping back," or whatever, is a failure. Recovery of that kind if two step forwards, one step back.

In the meantime, though, can I just say that I see your strength? You're standing. Look at all the crap you went through, and you're still standing. Your loser of a father would wet his pants if he had to face the bad**** you are. You just didn't know at the time, because we have to be told as kids to realize that we're awesome, and no one was telling you it seems. But you are. Look at how far you've come.

sourburst

Are we allowed to talk about abuse that's happened to us in here, to... lets say get it off our chest?

sunnykerr

Absolutely.

I mean, I think everyone's aware that this isn't the best place to get professional feedback on those experiences, because we're not exactly equipped to provide that. But you'll get nothing but support.

sourburst

I used to be pretty open about it, but the older I got the more I caved in on myself. I was raped when I was 17 and all I've ever been told is that it's what I deserve. The older I've got, the more the statement bothers me because no one deserves to be raped. It still haunts me now and it makes me feel bad when people mock me. I feel like I should be stronger.