News & Politics - Cheney blames Kerry for ‘Gigli’; warns of sequel if Bush loses

mh67511 · 10-30-2004, 01:07 PM

Quote:

It’s All His Fault: Cheney blames Kerry for ‘Gigli’; warns of sequel if Bush loses
By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek

The scorched-earth presidential campaign took a particularly nasty turn today as Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry for the box-office bomb "Gigli," warning that a sequel to the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez turkey might be released if the senator is elected.

Cheney has crisscrossed the country in recent days warning that a Kerry victory might bring increases in domestic terrorism and national security catastrophes, but the "Gigli" charges represent a new intensity in Cheney's partisan attacks.

Speaking before a crowd in Davenport, Iowa, Cheney said, "In all of his public statements, Sen. Kerry has yet to identify 'Gigli' as one of the worst films of all time, and one can only conclude that he wouldn't mind at all if there was a sequel."

Drawing a sharp contrast with Kerry, the vice president said that the Bush White House was "working overtime to make sure that another 'Gigli' does not happen."

Cheney's words seem designed to win over voters in the so-called battleground states, still reeling from the release of the 2003 stinker.

But Kerry, on the campaign trail in Pennsylvania, was quick to fire back at Cheney, telling his audience, "'Gigli' happened on his watch."

Kerry continued on the attack, saying that not only did the Bush administration fail to prevent "Gigli," but they also "must take some responsibility for the career of Justin Timberlake and that show with Jim Belushi."

Elsewhere, independent candidate Ralph Nader said today that he was considering dropping out of the presidential race to focus on wrecking Christmas instead.

That was freaking great!

Roswellgirl1001 · 10-30-2004, 02:35 PM

What the.....?!

migamoo · 10-30-2004, 04:31 PM

Too funny.

Maresa · 10-30-2004, 04:43 PM

0_0

*shoots self*

*doesn't shoot self*

*shoots Cheney*

Ambular · 10-30-2004, 05:34 PM

Is that from The Onion? Sounds like it

I liked this one, too ..

Quote:

Cheney Vows To Attack US If Kerry Is Elected

GREENSBORO, NC—In an announcement that has alarmed voters across the nation, Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he will personally attack the U.S. if Sen. John Kerry wins the next election.

"If the wrong man is elected in November, the nation will come under a devastating armed attack of an unimaginable magnitude, one planned and executed by none other than myself," Cheney said, speaking at a rally in Greensboro, NC. "When they go to the polls, Americans must weigh this fact and decide if our nation can ignore such a grave threat."

Added Cheney: "It would be a tragedy to suffer another attack on American soil, let alone one perpetrated by an enemy as well-organized and well-equipped as I am. My colleagues and I urge voters to keep their safety in mind when they go to the polls."

"There is no question that Cheney has the financial assets and intelligence needed to pose a threat to our nation," said Peter Bergen, terrorism researcher and author of Threats And Balances: Former Executive Branch Officials And The Danger To America. "After all, this fanatic can call upon the resources of both the Republican Party and Halliburton to aid him in his assault. America would be foolish not to take his warning seriously."

After his speech, Cheney was asked to confirm his remarks.

"Make no mistake: If Kerry becomes president, no one will be safe from me," Cheney told reporters. "Businesses, places of worship, schools, public parks: No place will offer you refuge. A vote for Kerry is a vote to die in your own bed at the hands of Dick Cheney."

Stepping up to the podium after Cheney, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge vowed to increase surveillance of the vice president.

"Wherever Cheney is—whether in his office in the White House or stumping in battleground states—we will be watching him," Ridge said. "I will not rule out raising the terror-alert level, should Kerry begin to draw ahead in the polls. Every percentage point conceded to Kerry brings the nation under greater threat of attack by Cheney."

In a televised address from the White House, President Bush promised "to serve and protect the nation" by being re-elected.

Above: Cheney describes the threat he poses to the nation.
"A war against Dick Cheney would be a long, hard struggle," Bush said. "It would be a difficult battle against a shadowy nemesis who is able to hide among us, loves only death and destruction, and hates our freedom. I have the experience, the leadership, and the Republican nomination required to protect us all—myself and my family included—from Dick Cheney."

Although the effect of Cheney's remarks has yet to register in the polls, some voters report that the vice president's threats have concerned them.

"Frankly, I'm terrified," said Dwayne Cummings, a 38-year-old metal-press operator from Cleveland, OH. "The idea of getting attacked by Cheney right now, at a time when I'm out of work, uninsured, and have kids to worry about, is overwhelming. I'm not sure I can vote for Kerry anymore."

Mary Pershing, a loom-worker and lifelong Democrat from Limestone, KY, said she appreciates the government's surveillance efforts.

"At least they're warning us about the danger," Pershing said. "I've always suspected Cheney might do something dangerous someday. Now that we have confirmation of a possible attack—from someone as high-ranking as the vice president, no less—we can make moves to stop it."

Cheney's remarks quickly drew a response from the Kerry campaign.

"I urge all Americans to remain calm in the face of this new threat," Democratic vice presidential nominee John Edwards said. "Rest assured that, once elected, John Kerry has a plan to contend with any threat against our nation, whether from rogue nations, terrorists, or former vice presidents."

"Should John Kerry be elected, he and I will work with, not against, the international community," Edwards added. "I have no doubt that we would be able to assemble a coalition of nations more than willing to aid us in the war against Dick Cheney."

Katis · 10-30-2004, 05:44 PM

It does sound like The Onion, gotta love that paper. I always try to pick one up each week but have been forgetting lately. How does everyone else know of it? I mean I didn't know that it was in other places.

Milt Palacio · 10-30-2004, 06:15 PM

Republicans Urge Minorities to Go Out and Vote on Nov. 3

MIAMI, FL—With the knowledge that the minority vote will be crucial in the upcoming presidential election, Republican Party officials are urging blacks, Hispanics, and other minorities to make their presence felt at the polls on Wednesday, Nov. 3.

Above: Monreal urges black community members to hit the polls next Wednesday.
"Minority voters should make their unique voices heard, especially the African-American voting bloc, which is always a major factor in every election," said Florida Republican Party voter-drive organizer Mark Monreal, as he handed out flyers at a community center in the mostly black Miami neighborhood of South Farms. "That's why we put up hundreds of brightly colored banners featuring Martin Luther King Jr. and the 'Vote November 3' reminder. We needed to make sure they know when we want them at polling places."

"You can't walk through a black neighborhood here in Miami without seeing our 'Don't Forget Big Wednesday!' message up on a billboard, tacked to a phone booth, or taped to a bus shelter," Monreal added. "The Republican Party has spared no expense in this endeavor."

GOP committees in Ohio, Iowa, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, Oregon, and Florida have spent more than $3 million on pamphlets, posters, stickers, and T-shirts bearing such slogans as "Put America First—Vote On The Third!" and "November 3rd Is Your Time To Be Heard."

Monreal's group is joined by hundreds of local organizations, such as the Black Republicans For Maryland. While the Black Republicans do not actually include any black members, the group describes itself as "dedicated to communicating a strong message to members of the African-American community."

"We're aiming not just to get black people to vote, but to mobilize them to come together for one specific day of minority empowerment," Baltimore County Black Republicans For Maryland president Mitchell Williams said. "As Republicans, we truly believe that, by coordinating the minority vote across the nation, we can put minorities in their proper place. We believe we know what's best for the whole country."

Republicans are eager to point out the differences between their drive and those of other get-out-the-vote organizations.

Above: A billboard erected by the Baltimore County Black Republicans for Maryland.
"Strange as it is to say it, we're non-partisan," Monreal said. "We don't care if the minority voter is part of the vast majority of non-whites that traditionally votes Democrat. What's important to us is that we get them to the polls bright and early on the third day of November, so that they feel like they've participated in this year's election."

Monreal said Republican volunteers will be available to drive minorities to polling places on Nov. 3.

"We'll even stay at home with them the day before, to help them prepare for the act of voting," Monreal said. "We'll engage in concentrated one-on-one tutoring the entire day, to make sure these voters focus on the important act of voting, rather than going outside, reading newspapers, or watching television."

Republican Party leaders expressed pride in what they characterized as a true alternative to other programs that encourage voting, such as Rock The Vote.

"Let's be honest," Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie said. "The Bush camp has been criticized for ignoring the minority vote for some time, especially during the last election. This project is our way of correcting that misperception. The Bush camp is extremely concerned about the black vote, especially in places like Florida, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. This year, on Nov. 3, we'll make a concerted effort to welcome minority voters into our own special camps with open arms."

The Daywalker · 10-30-2004, 07:18 PM

Haha. Funny shht.

Ambular · 10-30-2004, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Katis
It does sound like The Onion, gotta love that paper. I always try to pick one up each week but have been forgetting lately. How does everyone else know of it? I mean I didn't know that it was in other places.

"Pick one up"? It's actually published? I had no clue. I always go to theonion.com and read stuff

Katis · 10-30-2004, 08:48 PM

Yeah, it's published here and has like a classified section and everything. It's free and they have little newstands and stuff at my college and around the city.

The internet, duh Kate. Yeah I should have thought of that considering.

Ambular · 10-31-2004, 01:54 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Katis
Yeah, it's published here and has like a classified section and everything. It's free and they have little newstands and stuff at my college and around the city.

That's awesome! I would totally get it if it were offered in print here.

LittleMilkJug · 10-31-2004, 04:01 AM

Forget Gigli, who is to blame for J-Ho?

Ambular · 10-31-2004, 05:18 AM

Satan?

pacifierrocks · 10-31-2004, 05:22 AM

I saw this title and i just died laughing. What is this Onion thing? i've never heard of it before.

Ambular · 10-31-2004, 05:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by pacifierrocks
What is this Onion thing? i've never heard of it before.

"This Onion thing" is only the greatest mock-newspaper EVER.The Onion It's like the Daily Show on paper

Try it out.


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