Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Xander Appreciation #9: 'Cause he's a flying buttress of support - Page 9

Sosa Lola · 06-24-2009, 08:42 AM

Okay, here we go

This is part 1 of 15

Episode: Entropy

Part One

The Magic Box

"They're all, 'oh, poor Xander. It took so much out of him, all that running away he did.' I just don't understand what's wrong with these people."

"Did you really think they were the ones who would help you?" Halfrek asked her distressed friend.

"Well, but…" Anya started.

"Do you want retribution, Anyanka?"

"I want Xander good and cursed," Anya said firmly in anger.

"Then you know what you have to do."

"Get a wish from someone who doesn't freaking love him," she spat.

"Exactly." The justice demon nodded.

"Yeah, but my social circle is a little limited here. What am I supposed to do, just stumble upon someone who doesn't give a fig's ass if Xander gets hurt?"

Halfrek blinked, looking at her. Anya placed her hand on her cheek in thought. Several seconds later, she gasped, jerking up.

"Oh-my-God. Spike hates Xander. Maybe I could get him to wish ... dammit, if only he were a woman." She resumed her thinking pose then jumped up, again, excited. "Got it! If I can somehow get someone to wish that Spike were a woman, then I could go to him… well, he'd be a her then… then I could go to her…" She sat back down.

Halfrek shook her head at her demented friend. Anyanka has this whole female-power, Take Back the Night thing, that's cute. But, she always forgets what I've been telling her for decades … men need a little vengeance now and then, too. Oh, well, let her try it her hard way… I'm thinking there's a lot of fun down the line in that.

She smiled and stood up, "Good luck with that. Ta-ta!" and vanished.

Anya stood up. She had to find a person willing to make a wish on Spike.

~*~*~*~*~

"Harmony!"

She looked up from the squirming boy and frowned, recognizing her addresser. "You!" Harmony let go of her prey, stalking towards Anya. The boy scrambled away through the dark alley not even pausing a second to look behind him.

"Ugggh! Look what you did!" she screeched, watching her midnight snack disappear. "I wanted to turn him… he looked like Orlando Bloom!"

Anya shrugged. "I think Johnny Depp is more attractive."

Harmony reverted into human features. "True… but I couldn't find anyone… Hey!" She glared. "Why are we having a conversation? You're dating Xander the dweeb."

"Xander isn't…!" Anya started indignantly before she remembered why she was here in the first place. She huffed. "Well, you're one to talk… getting dumped by a chipped vampire."

Harmony placed her hands on her hips. "I'll let you know… I broke up with him."

"Really? Well, the way I heard it, is that he left you because he wanted the Slayer."

Harmony's eyes widened and she pouted. "Can you believe it? My little booboo was willing to kill his Drood-zilla over Skinny Buffy… I was there. Did he even think of staking me? Noooo. It's all 'My dark princess this… My salvation that'. Weeping over his precious Dorkus."

Anya nodded, faking sympathy. "And that hurt you… after all you did for him, didn't it?"

Harmony wiped a tear and sat on a wooden crate sniffling as she nodded.

Anya took several steps closer. "You wanted him to suffer. You wanted him to know how it felt… how hard it was?"

Harmony nodded furiously. "Yeah! I wish he knew how hard it was to be a vampire and a woman. I mean my tan lines alone-" She stopped with a gasp.

In front of her Anya's visage changed into her demon look. Anyanka smiled evilly. "Done!"

~*~*~*~*~

"What the bloody hell?!"

"Hello, Spike!"

Spike turned to glare Anya who materialized in his crypt with a grin on her human face.

He pointed an accusing finger at her. "You did this to me." He gestured to himself then looked venomously at her. "Turn me back, now. Or you'll see first hand how my chip doesn't work on you," he growled.

Anya blinked at Spike. "You can’t kill me. I didn't cast my vengeance on Xander yet."

Spike was pulled short. "What does Harris have to do with it?"

Anya waved her hands explaining, "Well, I tried to get his friends to make a wish on him, but they take the 'friend' thing way too seriously. So I needed someone to make a wish… and you hate Xander… no annoying friend no wishes there. But, there was the inconvenience of you being a man… so I had Harmony… who's still bitter over her ‘booboo’… what's with that nickname, anyway? And she wished you to be all female vampy… now I need you to wish something nasty on Xander- so you can't kill me."

Spike blinked. "Harmony is the reason I'm a chick? And the reason Harmony wished me with a set of knockers is that you need me to make a wish on your ex?"

Anya nodded. "Yes. So, can you make one, please… a really creative one! I haven’t done one in ages." She grinned happily.

Spike's eyes flashed gold. "You are the worse nutcase I've met and I had my share of nuts. Bloody Harris should be a ****ing bint not me."

Anya paused in silence for a moment before shrugging. "Okay."

Spike opened his mouth to yell again, but frowned. "Huh?"

Anya pouted. "It's not really creative since I did it like - just now… but, hey, it is your wish."

Spike shook his head, trying to shake away his building headache. "I didn't make a wish yet."

"Yes, you did." She nodded with a wide smile. "You said that Xander should be a girl."

"Well, I didn't use the word ‘wish’!"

Anya waved her hand. "A technicality. I'm lenient that way."

Spike gaped and looked down at himself. "Then where's my soddin' dick?"

Anya gasped outraged, placing her hand on her chest. "I can't reverse Harmony's wish without her consent. I'll lose my powers."

She sighed sadly and looked at Spike. "You make an attractive woman, Spike. I do regret not having sex with you when you had a penis… I hear vampire stamina is really good. Oh, well, thanks, bye."

She vanished.

"Bugger."

~*~*~*~

"Oh My God! What the hell happened to me?!"

fresley4ever · 06-24-2009, 05:21 PM

Nice

**ashleyt** · 06-25-2009, 09:19 AM

buffy4ever · 06-25-2009, 02:35 PM

Aw, this was great. Anya is hilarious. Can't wait to see Xander's reaction

Sosa Lola · 06-25-2009, 02:51 PM

Thanks, guys

Part Two:

"Oh My God! What the hell happened to me?!"

Buffy and Willow turned their eyes simultaneously from the T.V. screen to blink at each other. The same question went through their heads, who the hell was that?

They had decided to invite Xander for a 'comfort-movie-night', trying to make him feel better after Anya had rejected his advances to become a couple again. Xander had excused himself to the kitchen saying that if the girls were going to subject him to a girly movie, he was owed some buttery popcorn. Buffy had waved him away, placing the chosen said 'girly' movie in the DVD.

Hearing the high-pitched scream, they jumped off the couch to the kitchen. Their eyes widened at the sight of a brunette woman standing with her back to them. The stranger slowly turned around, eyes wider than theirs, holding her breasts and… shaking them. "What are these?" she screeched, distressed, looking from Buffy to Willow to Buffy again waiting for an answer.

"Boobs?" Buffy answered unsure of the question as her eyebrows rose and her nose creased in confusion.

Willow was looking intently at them, her head tilting slightly to the left as she tried to get a better look. Pretty boobs.

The brunette young woman wrapped her arms around her bosom protectively. "Stop ogling me, Willow!"

Willow looked at the strange woman, perplexed. "How did you know my name?"

"How did you get into Xander's pants?" Buffy asked, her finger pointed, directing their gaze to the jeans pooled at the woman's feet.

The brunette looked down. "Eek! I thought it was windy. At least my boxers stayed on."

Willow's eyes widened. "Xander?"

Buffy pouted. "You have prettier legs than me."

Willow looked down and nodded vigorously whilst Buffy glared at her for her eagerness at agreeing.

"Is this the problem here? Hello! I'm a woman for God's sake!" Xander yelled angrily, waving his hands, breaking the glaring match.

Buffy and Willow tore their eyes from Xander's legs and each other with very much effort. They looked back at the female features of their used-to-be-male friend.

"Um … hi, remember me?” He waved. “In need of help here. And, well, staring at my face instead of each other or my legs isn't really helping."

"Right," Buffy recovered first. "What did you do before you went all girlie-like?"

"Nothing, I was just about to pop me some popcorn." Xander indicated at the open microwave with the bag inside.

"I think this case needs a trip to the Magic Box," Willow said, looking at Buffy.

"Willow's right. Let's go," Xander exclaimed, already heading towards the kitchen door being the closest exit.

"Um … Xander? Not to sound all Cordy here but you can't go out wearing that," Willow said moving her hand up and down at his body.

Xander gave her a deadly stare and Willow actually flinched. "I'm not wearing women's clothes," his voice sounded with such rage that Willow hid behind Buffy. She couldn't protect herself with magic. Well, she could but she wouldn't. She went without unnecessary magic so far this long, so she hung in there. She had Buffy to protect her from over-hormonal female-phobic ex-guy-best-friend.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Xand, you look like a bimbo in her boyfriend's shirt after hot, sweaty sex." She blinked as a picture of her in Parker's room the morning after appeared in her head. She felt herself loosing confidence but brought on another picture: her smacking the lying boy with a wooden branch. Better. "You don't want people staring at you, do you?"

Xander thought about it then sighed, defeated. "Fine. But no skirts!" he stressed. "No dresses, no tops. I want large sized pants and a T-shirt." He nodded and placed his hands on his hips. Willow bit the inside of her cheek to stop from grinning. His uptight pose and speak reminded her of another brunette woman.

"Sorry, can't do." Buffy shrugged. "All I have is small… uh, too small for you."

"Uh, c'mon Buff!" Xander whined. "You've gotta have something not your size… something comfortable."

Buffy's face took a shocked and somewhat outraged look. Xander nearly took a step back. He would have if it weren't for him being afraid of getting tangled in his jeans and falling on his ass. He turned his pleading eyes towards Willow.

"What about you, Will? You were always a fan of comfort in high school… anything in a larger size?"

Willow shook her head helplessly. "Sorry. My new wardrobe is all womanly skirts and small sized jeans."

"Crap!" Xander cursed.

"C'mon, Xander. Gotta suck it up and wear women clothes." Buffy took Xander's hand and dragged him out of the kitchen. "Let's get you into something."

"You just wanna cover my pretty legs." Xander huffed trying to lighten the mood, desperately holding on to the oversized jeans so they wouldn't fall.

Buffy scowled and pushed him up the stairs.

"What about the movie?" Willow yelled at their retreating backs and looked back helplessly at the paused DVD. She sighed. Freddie would have to wait.

fresley4ever · 06-25-2009, 05:06 PM

buffy4ever · 06-25-2009, 05:17 PM

Loved this! It's hilarious. "Freddie would have to wait"

Can't wait to see what happens next.

fresley4ever · 06-25-2009, 05:18 PM

That was great.

**ashleyt** · 06-25-2009, 05:52 PM

You have prettier legs than me

Great update!

fresley4ever · 06-25-2009, 05:57 PM

Sosa Lola · 06-26-2009, 12:40 AM

Glad you guys are enjoying

Part Three:

"Your idea sucks, Willow!" Xander called out irritably.

"Can I come in now?" Willow asked, bored. She had heard it all already.

"No, you can't!" Xander snapped at the closed door.

"Get over it, Xander," Buffy began while helping him put on a bra. "Willow is a girl. Girls tend to see each other naked."

"But, she's gay! She's out of the rule book," he said, nodding his head to emphasize. "It says so in the rule book. I should know, I'm a girl," he muttered bitterly and winced as Buffy tightened on the bra clasp. "Ow! That hurt!"

"Sorry," Buffy murmured not sounding all that sorry. "But your breasts are C cup. I'm trying to lift them up," she explained.

"God, this is the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me."

"It's on," Buffy finished with a grin. Xander turned to face her and she pointed her finger warningly. "Don't make any sudden moves."

Xander gave her a death glare.

"What? I had to say it." She gave him a sunny smile.

"Ha, ha, very funny. You know what? You're just jealous." Xander crossed his arms around himself and raised his head up, annoyed.

Buffy rolled her eyes and went to open the door.

Xander's eyes widened in fright and turned to look at her as she walked away. "What are you doing?"

Buffy spoke slowly, "I'm going to open the door."

"Why?"

"So, Willow can come in."

"Why?"

Buffy give him a look.

"She doesn't need to come in you know," Xander smiled sheepishly.

Buffy held her hand over her mouth in shock. "You're gonna stop a girl from joining a makeover party. How could you, Xander? She's your best friend." She hiccupped.

"I didn't mean … wait," he stopped short. "What do you mean 'makeover party'?"

It was Buffy's turn to smile sheepishly. "Well, technically this is a 'try out'."

"There's gonna be more?!"

"Duh. Dawn will kill us if we do one without her." She shrugged.

“Whaaat?”

Buffy rolled her eyes again and opened the door for Willow. Xander gasped and quickly gave the door his back. His arms tightened even more around himself.

Willow walked in and saw his half-naked back. She smirked jokingly. "Oh, Xander, you look so hot." The husky sound of her voice made Buffy snicker.

Xander glared at the wall, knowing that Willow was making fun of him. She had obviously heard his complaints through the door. He looked down at Tara's clothes, which Willow had suggested for him to wear. That had been her 'idea'. "These clothes suck."

"Hey!" Willow yelled.

"Well, they don't match my taste." He turned to look at her with a scowl on his feminine face.

"Like you have the greatest taste in clothes," Willow retorted. She suddenly felt guilty even though Xander didn’t look offended. "Well," she said trying to even the playing field. "We all don't have the greatest taste in clothes."

"Hey, speak for yourselves," Buffy exclaimed. She turned to close the door and mumbled, "Mean tasteless losers."

Xander and Willow exchanged a smile as memories of high school Buffy flashed in their heads.

fresley4ever · 06-26-2009, 03:24 AM

That is cute.

buffy4ever · 06-26-2009, 02:11 PM

I agree, it's really cute and funny.

fresley4ever · 06-26-2009, 02:18 PM