Taping report from Jiab Pattira, posted with her permission and our appreciation.
“The Junior Professor Solution”
Scene 1 (cold open)
Sheldon said he heard that during the world war II, they were developing super soldiers by impregnating women with another species. They would be half gorilla half human. Amy said were they considering any other animals?. Leonard suggested that hippo would be pretty badass, Howard said yeah but they would have to stop at Marble. Sheldon said it should be Koala, so they would be an Army so cute and couldn’t be attacked.
Penny is gonna start her job next Monday, Bernie asked if she looked at the material Bernie gave her. Penny said not yet. Bernie was angry with that. Sheldon said to Amy “I’m sensing something awkward, am I right?” Amy said yes, and Sheldon said “switch” (I don’t understand what it means so I might get the word wrong)
Penny said ‘Do you want me to be a teacher’s pet?’ Leonard asked if anyone ever got hurt being a teacher’s pet, and all of them raised their hands. (I don’t understand this as well, maybe you guys could explain this joke to me)
Scene 2
Sheldon was at Janine Davis’ office. She said they will promote him to be a professor as a solution because his grant was for a specific research. Sheldon said but it requires teaching so I will pass the knowledge to the next generation. She said yes, Sheldon said you guys are sick.
Scene 3
Amy’s lab
Amy was stimulating pleasure self of a starfish. Penny came to her lab to invite her to lunch. Amy asked about Bernie. Penny said she didn’t invite Bernie because ever since Bernie got her that job she doesn’t stop bugging Penny. Amy said Bernie want her to do well and Penny was stunningly poor waitress, she’s still waiting for her corn dog 2 years ago. Amy said she was uncomfortable talking about someone behind their back because normally it was right at her face. Amy said okay she just had to turn off the switch, Penny asked why. Amy said the starfish will have a better day than her. Then Amy said there was a research that cheering a negative attitude toward third party will make the bonding between the two better, so what’s that skanks’ problem.
Scene 4
The cafeteria
Raj was thinking about his couple nickname with Emily. Howard asked why not your lastname. Raj said Emily’s lastname is Sweeny, Koothraweeny doesn’t sound good. Then Sheldon came to sit at the table complaining about the university promote him to be a junior professor. Raj asked why is it so bad to teach. Sheldon said it’s a stupid question, do I have to explain everything to you. I have to babysit a bunch of grad students, they may think dark matter is something in their diapers. Leonard said you like telling people they are wrong, Sheldon said ‘wrong’ then he said while I’m enjoying that doesn’t mean I always do. Raj said you like giving grades, Sheldon said B-. Then Sheldon said a lot of great people had students under their wings: Einstein, Professor X. and some of Prof. X’s students had wings, I will tell this story to students when the entire class fails the midterm.
Scene 5
Amy’s lab
Amy was stimulating the starfish, and she talked to it ‘you like it, don’t you’, ‘that’s right, say my name’. Bernie called Amy by skype. Bernie invited her to go out without Penny. Amy asked if it was about Penny didn’t work hard on the job and that would reflect you. Bernie said I don’t know if she doesn’t realize that or she doesn’t care.
Scene 6
Classroom
Sheldon was sitting at the teacher table alone. The guys came in to see him. They asked why there was no one here. Howard said did you send everyone to principal office. Sheldon said there was no class, no one signed up, he called the department secretary to ask and apparently he has a reputation for being obnoxious. Leonard said ‘What’ (not very sincere) Raj said I’m sorry, then Leonard said that’s not your fault. Sheldon said I will devote all my time to dark matter. Raj said ‘oh you prepared cookies for your students’, Sheldon said it’s Fig Newtons, I was gonna ask them who helped develop Calculus and have a cookie named after, and when someone answer Newton, I will say it was wrong, Fig Newtons was named after a town in Massachusetts and I will throw the cookies away.
Howard said he will take Sheldon’s class. Leonard and Raj said ‘Why would you do that?’ ‘What’s wrong with you?’. Howard said he wants to get a doctorate. Sheldon said it’s a graduate level physics I don’t think you understand a single thing. Howard said “ I’m more than smart enough to take your class”. Then Sheldon asked Howard 3 physics questions and Howard answered all of them right. Sheldon looked pleased, then Howard asked “now am I smart enough?” Sheldon said no. Howard said engineers are as smart as physicists. Sheldon said you take that back. Howard said no.
Scene 7
Sheldon and Amy were walking up the stairs together. Amy told Sheldon “After I had a drink with Bernie, Penny called to complain, when I talked to Penny, I got a text from Bernie”. Sheldon said ‘why did you tell me this, I’m preparing a lecture for Howard’. Amy said “because it takes 15 years for high school to finally awesome, I love them both and now I’m in the center and I love that even more”. Sheldon said “not now, I have to intellectually (I missed the verb here) my dear friend”. Amy said “you better watch that attitude because you are dating a popular girl now”
Scene 8
Guy’s apartment
Leonard opened the door and said you are up late, Sheldon said I’m working on a plan for Howard, he is going to be lost, then Sheldon pointed to the other board and said that one even I don’t really understand. Leonard said “why are you doing this, why do you get to so much trouble just to prove that you are smarter”, Sheldon said it’s no trouble, it’s a pleasure, I’m a teacher, it’s my job. Leonard said “the idea of someone is as smart as you or even smarter scares the pants off you” Sheldon said “Do you mean I have emotional issues below subconscious that I can’t deal with someone who threatens my intellectual superiority.” Leonard said you think about it. Sheldon said “Howard is allergic to peanuts, how could I use that against him?”
Scene 9
Classroom
Howard walked in, Sheldon said okay now that everyone’s here we can begin. Howard said “I talked to Leonard if you are going to belittle me and make this unnecessary hard then I’m out, but If you have a sincere effort to be a good teacher than I’m willing to give this a shot. Sheldon said it’s a fair request and I see no reason we can’t both benefit. Sheldon asked Howard “are you familiar with… (3 physics topics), and the third one Howard said he feels a little fuzzy about that. Sheldon said ‘Haa, I knew it’. Sheldon said there are a lot of materials before your first test which is in 8 minutes. Howard put on earphones and listened to music. Sheldon told him this is a classroom not American bandstand, and pulled them from his ears. Howard said you are a crabby teacher then I’m a crabby student. Then, Howard tear off his paper, Sheldon asked what he is doing. Howard said I’m making a straw to shoot with spit ball. Sheldon said you can’t do that, I’m your professor, you have to treat me with a proper…( Howard shot a spit to his mouth), Sheldon said “your spit in my mouth” and his face looked like he was gonna die (Jim acted so hilarious, the man is so talented). Sheldon ran off the door.
Scene 10
Amy’s lab and Penny’s apartment
Amy called Penny to invite her out, Penny said she will stay home looking at the material Bernie gave her, Amy said okay call me when you decide she is a bitch or something. Then Amy called Bernie to invite her for a drink, Bernie said “that sounds great but I promised Penny I will stop by and help her with the material, I’m probably too hard on her, we talked we are good” Amy said that’s good that situation with you guys put me in a weird position. Bernie said we are back to normal now. Amy said yeah, when she is nice to your face. Then Amy called Sheldon “Hi boyfriend” ( she began her conversations with Penny and Bernie with ‘Hi girlfriend’ too) and Sheldon said “can’t talk, spit in the mouth, probably gonna die”
Scene 11
(Simon waved at the audience before this scene)
Guy’s apartment
Sheldon opened his mouth for Leonard to check. Leonard said “you are not having STD”. Sheldon said “are you sure?, it doesn’t feel innocent as it used to”. Howard came in and said “you reported me to human resource, I dropped your class, I hope you are happy”, then he said you think I’m not smart enough just because you asked a topic I’m not familiar with. Howard asked Sheldon 3 engineer questions and Sheldon answered the first 2 questions right. The third question he looked confused then Howard said you don’t know, do you. Sheldon coughed so hard and a spitball came out, he said “thank goodness, I got it, I don’t have to check for stool” (on first take Jim coughed too hard and that spitball came out of his mouth too early)
Johnny and Kaley came up to thank the audience (I think they do this every episode)
Scene 12
Penny’s apartment
Bernie asked Penny a pharmaceutical question and Penny answered it so well. Bernie said “let’s stop here, you got this, let’s call Amy and go for a drink”. Penny said “she seems like really want to go out tonight”. Amy was eavesdropping at the door, she ran so fast down the stairs before picking up the phone and said “hi girls”.
Scene 13 (tag scene)
Guy’s apartment
They asked each other questions (I think they are scientific questions but I can’t remember what they are about), and they shouted together happily. Leonard said “we are so smart”. Raj said “why didn’t girls like us in high school”. Howard said “we are awkward and weird and can’t play sports”, Leonard said “right again!” and they all shouted.