Tomasina

Here's what I got:

THE LOCOMOTION INTERRUPTION

Scene 1 – TRAIN STATION

Unfortunately everything was so hectic and exciting when they started the scene I just enjoyed it and didn’t remember until after it was all over to flip the CONCENTRATE switched in my brain, so the dialogue isn’t quite right for this scene. The rest is better, I promise.

(Sheldon is walking dazed-looking through a small train station wearing only white briefs, one sock, a brown undershirt, and a green T-shirt with a compass rose{very appropriate} on it. He approaches a middle-aged woman knitting a sweater.)
SHELDON- Excuse me, madam. I don’t suppose you’re knitting a pair of pants?
(no answer, just a horrified look)
You’re understandably terrified. Blankety brain-fart something something.
(She gets up and hurries away from him without a word. Sheldon approaches a businessman on another bench looking at a cell phone.)
SHELDON- May I borrow your phone?
(Man stares for a moment before responding)
MAN- No.
SHELDON- I’m not crazy, even though I don’t have pants. All my possessions were stolen from me as I was asleep. I was in my sleeper car and I didn’t have my pajamas with me. Pajamas for grown men. I’ve been riding the rails due to the university forcing me to study string theory, my roommate got engaged, my girlfriend wants to move in with me as a ploy to see my bathing suit parts. I’m not crazy even though I don’t have pants.
(Sheldon stops a fat, older man approaching from out-of-frame.)
SHELDON- I know I look like a crazy person but I’m actually a noted physicist. Please help me. I’ll prove it to you. Ask me the difference between a boson and a fermion. Go ahead! Ask me.
(The man turns around and hurries back the way he came)
SHELDON- Fermions have half spin!
(Looks around looking lost and scared)
SHELDON- Why won’t anyone help me?
___________________________________


Scene 2- LEONARD’S APARTMENT (P/L) cut with POLICE STATION (S)
(Penny is holding yoga poses in a blue tank and black yoga pants. She has a new pixie haircut that makes her look a lot older, in a good way, than before. Leonard walks out from the hall to the bedrooms in his robe looking down at his cell phone.)

LEONARD- Morning.
PENNY- Hi. Wanna do some yoga with me?
(Leonard continues to the kitchen)
LEONARD- Let me get some coffee first, then I’ll have the strength to tell you how much I won’t be doing that.
(Leonard’s cell phone rings)
SHELDON- Hi, Leonard.
LEONARD- Hey, buddy! It’s good to hear your voice! How are you?
(Sheldon is sitting at a desk talking on a land line wearing grey sweatpants and shower shoes. He still has one sock on.)
SHELDON- I’m in Kingman, Arizona at a police station and I need you to pick me up.
(Leonard pours a cup of coffee and answers with no hesitation.)
LEONARD- Gee, I’d love to, but I was about to do some yoga with Penny.
(Penny hears that and stops to look over at him.)
SHELDON- I’m at a Police station! I was robbed while I was sleeping. They took my pants, my wallet, my IPad…
LEONARD- Are you OK?
SHELDON- No, I’m not OK! I’m wearing borrowed pants, I have no ID, and one of the officers won’t stop calling me “Chicken Legs”.
(Penny sees Leonard start to look worried and walks over to the counter.)
PENNY- What’s going on?
LEONARD-Sheldon got robbed. Alright, I’m coming right over. Do you wants me to bring anything?
SHELDON- Yes! My pants, my toothbrush, and a better comeback to Chicken Legs, because “I know you are but what am I” gets no reaction.
(They hang up.)
PENNY- Is he OK?
LEONARD- Yeah, he’s fine. He’s just rattled. Do you want to come with me?
PENNY- I can’t. I have that job interview. Besides, I don’t need six hours of “Your hair is different. Why is your hair different? I’m holding my breath until your hair grows back!”
LEONARD- If you did it would make the drive home a lot quieter. Hey, can you think of a reason why I shouldn’t invite Amy to come along?
PENNY- No.
LEONARD- You didn’t even try!
_________________________________

Scene 3- HOWARD’S CAR
(Howard is driving and Raj is beside him.)
RAJ- Thanks for the lift.
HOWARD- No problem. What’s wrong with your car?
RAJ- I’m getting the windows untinted.
HOWARD- Why?
RAJ- I have a hot girlfriend. I want the haters to know.
HOWARD- Haters? Nobody cares that you have a hot girlfriend.
RAJ- How does the Haterade taste?
HOWARD- Anyway, thanks for coming with me to check up on my mom. The cast is off, and Stewart has moved out. About time, too. They were acting too much like a chummy couple.
RAJ- Like us?
HOWARD- No! Not like us. Creepy chummy like you and your dog.
RAJ- So, your mother feeds him out of her mouth?
HOWARD- No! With him calling her Debbie and her calling him Stewie… and once food is in her mouth it doesn’t come out.
RAJ-So were you worried that he would replace you as her son or become her lover?
HOWARD- No one could replace me! I’m her Little Matzo ball. And she is well past her lovin’ years.
RAJ- Are you sure? Many older women…
HOWARD- I said she’s well past!
_________________________________


Scene 4- LEONARD’S CAR
(Leonard is driving and smiling and Amy is beside him. Her face is blank but she is wearing a purple cardigan and purple hose.)
LEONARD- Thanks again for coming, Amy. This will make six hours go by a lot shorter.
AMY- My pleasure. And I’m not angry at all my boyfriend was in trouble and called you. Not at all.
(Leonard’s smile disappears.)
LEONARD- Yeah. Six hours is gonna fly by.
________________________________________
Scene 5- POLICE STATION
(Sheldon is seated in front of another desk while Officer Hernandez (he of the most excellent mustache) sits at it and works on his files.)
SHELDON- Excuse me. Officer Hernandez?
HERNANDEZ- Yes?
SHELDON- Any leads on who stole my belongings?
HERNANDEZ- Not yet.
SHELDON- Perhaps I can help. You know, Sherlock Holmes always says, “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth”. Now, have you tried doing that?
(He stares at him for a few moments before answering)
HERNANDEZ- Nope.
SHELDON- Well… Maybe you should. There are lots of books called “Sherlock Holmes” and none called “Officer Hernandez”.
(Hernandez only stares at him without answering.)
_____________________________________________________


Scene 6- ROSTENKOWSKI-WOLOWITZ APARTMENT
(Penny is sitting nervously at the counter and Bernadette brings over two full mugs from the sink.)
PENNY- I haven’t interviewed in years. I’m nervous.
BERNADETTE- Don’t be worried. You’re built for pharmaceutical sales. You’re cute, flirty… starting out I thought there were going to be three things.
PENNY- I have no experience in sales! Unless you count the bikini car wash I did in high school. But you already made me take that off my resume.
BERNADETTE- It’s a lot like waitressing, except instead of pushing the fish tacos before they turn, you’re pushing pills before the FDA finds out they may cause rectal bleeding.
PENNY- They do?
(Bernadette shrugs coyly)
BERNADETTE- Maybe. But our lawyers say the world is full of things that can cause rectal bleeding. Anyway I talked you up to Dan.
PENNY- I appreciate it.
BERNADETTE- You’ll be fine. Don’t be humble.
PENNY- But…
(Bernadette’s smile drops and she says sternly)
BERNADETTE- It’s too late to cancel. You’re going.
(Penny looks even more nervous)
PENNY- I don’t know. Maybe I should stick to something I’m good at.
(Bernadettes starts sweetly and finishes off like the hulk and glares at Penny.)
BERNADETTE- Aw, I understand.You want to do something you’re good at. Let me get you a job at the Sit-Around-All-Day-In-Yoga-Pants-Factory!
(Penny blinks rapidly like she’s ashamed and looks down at her mug before mumbling)
PENNY- They’re comfortable.

____________________________________

Scene 7- WOLOWITZ HOUSE
(Howard enters without knocking and Raj follows.)
HOWARD- Ma! I hope you’re decent! Raj is here!
(turns to Raj)
HOWARD- You just started seeing naked women again. I don’t want you to be confused about where the boobs are supposed to be.
(Stewart comes in from the dining/kitchen area and looks happy and surprised)
STEWART- Wow! What are you doing here?
(Howard looks unhappy and surprised)
HOWARD- Uh, What are you here? I thought you moved out.
STEWART- Oh, yeah. I was going to. Then Debbie and I got to talking over dinner the other night, about how I didn’t have anywhere to go, and she likes having me around. When we both said, “Why leave!?” at the same time! It was precious.
HOWARD- It’s not that precious.
RAJ- I’d like to back you up here, but it’s pretty precious.
DEBBIE- (off-camera) Stewie! I can’t find my glasses!
(Stewart calls over his shoulder with a smile)
STEWART- Coming, Deb-Deb!
(Turns back to Howard and shakes his head ruefully with a laugh)
STEWART- They’re probably on her head.
(Howard grinds his teeth)
HOWARD- Yeah. Or in her neck. Look, no offense, but you staying here seems like something she would have talked to me about.
(Stewart finally stops smiling and gives Howard a critical look)
STEWART- Yeah… Well, maybe if you called her more often you’d know.
(Howard just looks at him with his mouth hanging open)
RAJ- It wouldn’t kill you to pick up the phone.
______________________________________________
Scene 8- POLICE STATION
(Sheldon hasn’t moved and is staring down Officer Hernandez. The cop is ignoring him as he snacks and focuses on his computer screen. Finally Sheldon speaks and you can tell this has been going on in the vein of a little kid asking “Are we there yet?” over and over.)
SHELDON- Any word on my stolen items?
(Hernandez does not look at him.)
HERNANDEZ- We’re doing everything we can.
SHELDON- You know, Sherlock Holmes used cocaine to sharpen his mental faculties.
(Hernandez looks at him now and the look is not a good one)
SHELDON- But I’m sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.
(Amy and Leonard walk in the double doors at the back of the room)
LEONARD- Sheldon!
SHELDON- Ah! Leonard! I’m so glad you’re here!
(Sheldon runs over to Leonard and hugs him)
AMY- Are you OK?
SHELDON- Huh? Yes. Why are you here?
(Amy did look concerned but now she is definitely showing her anger)
AMY- Why am I here?! Sheldon, you’re my boyfriend! I haven’t seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Is that all you have to say to me?
SHELDON- I do, but… I’m uncomfortable saying it in front of all these people.
(Amy looks flustered and leans towards him and continues more softly)
AMY- Then why don’t you whisper it to me?
SHELDON- Alright.
(He leans towards her and she bites her lips in anticipation)
SHELDON- Shotgun!
(He runs out the door and Amy and Leonard follow. Neither of them are happy.)

____________________________________________

Scene 9- ZANGEN PHARMACEUTICAL OFFICE
(Dan the interviewer sits behind his desk with Penny’s resume and she takes a seat in front of him. She is wearing a black pantsuit {Priya was right, they do show you mean business!} with a white blouse. The blouse was tucked in the front but hanging out the back and I really hope they did that to keep the line of her pants looking good for the scene and not because it’s some new fashion thing because I hated it hated it hated it… Did I mention it bugged the hell out of me?)
DAN- So. Tell me why you would make a good pharmaceutical sales rep?
PENNY- Um. Well. I’m a people person. I’m really good with people. Some of my favorite people are people.
(Penny grins nervously)
PENNY- I feel like I’m saying a lot of people. People, people, people, people. OK. I’m done.
DAN- You sure?
PENNY- People. Yes.
DAN- Good. How has your previous experience prepared you for a career like this?
PENNY- Well, as a waitress, part of my job was to sell cheesecake to people who really shouldn’t have more cheesecake. Believe me, I convinced a lot of chubsters who shouldn’t be eating cheesecake to eat more cheesecake. I even got this one guy with an insulin pump to buy more cheesecake.
(Penny smacks the desk and leans back looking pleased with herself)
DAN- I have an insulin pump.
(Penny’s face freezes and she blinks rapidly)
PENNY- Stay away from cheesecake.
(They stare at each other silently for a few moments. Penny finally throws some jazz hands up int the air and squeaks out)
PENNY- People!

_____________________________________________________

Scene 10- LEONARD’S CAR cut with flashbacks of Sheldon in various train stations looking at their local attractions displays
(Leonard is driving. Sheldon is, of course, shotgun. Amy is… well, Sheldon’s lucky she didn’t have a shiv.)
LEONARD- Hey, Sheldon. Tell us about your trip.
SHELDON- Oh, Leonard. I saw this great nation of ours from sea to shining sea.
(cut to Sheldon looking moonstruck in the Chicago train station.)
SHELDON- Chicago! It’s everything I dreamed!
(Snaps a selfie in front of the Chicago tourist display and looks satisfied at his picture.)
SHELDON- I think I’ll count that as the whole midwest.
(cut to Sheldon in front of the tourism wall in Philly.)
SHELDON- Philadelphia! Walking on the same cobblestones as the forefathers that built this nation. OK, I’m done.
(cut to Grand Central Station, and the last possibility of at least one science joke this episode based on the reversed constellations in the ceilings passes us by. ☹ I don’t count the boson. It was purely descriptive)
SHELDON- New York City! Home of The Avengers, The Fantastic Four… (he looks over to the side, horrified) and a man defecating in a trash can! That is a superpower I do NOT need to learn.
(cuts back to the car)
LEONARD- So you never left a single train station?
(Sheldon looks proud)
SHELDON- Or had a piece of fruit!

______________________________________________

Scene 11- HOWARD’S CAR
(Howard driving again with Raj by him)
HOWARD- It’s weird, right? A grown man in his thirties living with a woman ma’s age?
RAJ- Thirties? I thought he was pushing 45.
HOWARD- You can’t tell me that’s not odd.
RAJ- Maybe they’re just two lonely making each other happy. It doesn’t mean there’s any funny business going on. Even if there was that doesn’t make it your business.
HOWARD- So you honestly wouldn’t care if I slept with your mom?
RAJ- You’re my best friend. She’s in a bad marriage. I give you my blessing.
HOWARD- You know what, I’m just gonna call her and be honest about how I feel.
RAJ- That’s a good little Matzo ball.
(They both smile and Howard dials her up on the car speaker Blue Tooth.)
[ANSWERING MACHINE]
DEBBIE- Hi! This is Debbie.
STEWART- And this is Stewart.
STEWART & DEBBIE- We’re not home…. (At this point the screams of laughter from the audience were so loud I literally could not hear what they were saying. Eventually the message ended with a beep, we calmed down, and Howard and Raj sat in the car in uncomfortable silence)
RAJ- This is the part where you talk.

_______________________________________________

Scene 12- ZANGEN PHARMACEUTICAL OFFICE
(Penny is still trying to make it through her interview but looks desperate)
DAN- Let’s say a physician is prescribing one of our competitors’ drugs; How would you convince him to switch to ours?
PENNY- Um…
(She looks blankly at him for a long time before she can continue)
PENNY- Any chance he needs his car washed by a girl in a bikini?
(Dan is not amused)
PENNY- Look, I’m sorry for wasting your time.
DAN- Don’t worry about it. Thanks for coming by.
(Penny walks to the door but stops with her hand on the doorknob)
PENNY- Look, do me a favor and don’t tell Bernadette how badly I burned this interview? She really pushed me to come here and… she can be kind of scary.
DAN- She scares you?
PENNY- Yeah, when she gets angry, well, she terrifies me.
(Dan stares at her for a moment, then bursts out)
DAN- I thought it was just me!
(Penny nods vigourously)
PENNY- She’s kind of a bully.
DAN- I didn’t want to meet you but I was too afraid to say no to her!
(Penny comes back over and sits down)
PENNY- Me, too!
DAN- Everyone thinks she’s so nice and small with her squeaky voice. “Look at me! I’m so small!”
PENNY- “I’m so cute! And scary!”
DAN- One time, I had to cut money to one of the drugs she was working on.
PENNY- What did you do?
DAN- I couldn’t do it! She’s still working on it!
(They both laugh)
DAN- You’re not going to tell her about this, are you?
PENNY- Oh, God! No!
_______________________________________
Scene 13- LEONARD’S CAR
(Sheldon is having a great time. The others are definitely not.)
SHELDON- The hot dog stand in Denver? Heinz catsup. And get this, the hot dog stand in Salt Lake City? Heinz catsup. The hot dog stand in Indianapolis… ?
(Sheldon looks expectantly at Leonard)
LEONARD- I don’t care.
SHELDON- Wrong! Hunts catsup! Now, on to mustard…
AMY- Really, Sheldon?! I’ve just been sitting back here fuming for the last two hours. Do you even know why?!
SHELDON- I just thought you didn’t know the answers.
AMY- I’m mad at you, Sheldon. You ran away without even saying goodbye. And then when you get in trouble you don’t even want me around? How could you call Leonard and not me?!
SHELDON- Amy may I have a private moment with Leonard, please?
(Amy looks around the car extremely exasperated and even Leonard looks confused)
AMY- We’re in the middle of a moving vehicle, Sheldon! What do you expect me to do? Stick my fingers in my ears?!
SHELDON- Well, I was thinking you could stick your head out the window like a dog, but whatever works.
(Amy stares at him unbelievingly, but then sticks her fingers in her ears and stares straight ahead. Sheldon watches her for a moment, then turns to Leonard).
SHELDON- Leonard, as soon as we arrive home, I want to have coitus with Amy.
(Cue about a full minute of screaming and fainting from the audience, especially from Sheldon’s Additional Council of Ladies. Sheldon looked back to Amy for a reaction and Leonard kept looking forward with his lips pursed and his brow creased. Jim broke character and grinned at Mayim but she kept perfectly still looking forward. Eventually the audience ran out of breath and Sheldon turned back to Leonard.)
SHELDON- OK, she’s not listening.
(Leonard just nodded. The world made sense again.)
SHELDON- Leonard, the reason I called you, and not Amy, is that you idolize me. You keep me up on a pedestal, and I didn’t want Amy to think less of me.
LEONARD- Sheldon, you need to tell her that.
(Sheldon nods and gets Amy’s attention.)
SHELDON- Amy, I didn’t want you to come, because I didn’t want you to know I failed.
(Amy immediately softens)
AMY- Sheldon. I know you’re not perfect and I’m OK with that.
(Sheldon nods)
SHELDON- Amy?
AMY- Yes, Sheldon?
SHELDON- Could I have another moment with my roommate?
AMY- Sure.
(Amy plug her ears again, but this time she has a dreamy grin on her face)
SHELDON- Amy hurt my feelings. When we get back I wanna break up with her.

______________________________________________________________________

Scene 14- ROSTENKOWSKI-WOLOWITZ APARTMENT
(Howard is on the couch on his laptop, Bernadette is talking to him from the kitchen)
HOWARD- I never thought I’d say this, but I’m excited to see Sheldon.
BERNADETTE- I never thought I’d say this, but Penny got a job today.
HOWARD- That’s great. Good for her.
BERNADETTE- Well, she only got the job because the boss loves me.
(Someone knocks at the door and Howard goes to answer it. Stewart is at the door)
HOWARD- What do you want?
STEWART- I got the feeling you are not OK with me staying with your mom.
HOWARD- That’s because I’m not OK with it. It’s weird.
(Bernadette comes over quickly)
BERNADETTE- Howie…
HOWARD- It is! He’s a grown man! How’s living rent free supposed to motivate him to get a job? Do you even have a plan?
STEWART- Look, I’m sorry you don’t like my life choices but you are not my father. Now your mother and I were talking…
HOWARD- You’re not my father!
BERNADETTE- Look, calm down! He’s not your father. You’re not his father. Nobody’s anyone’s father!
HOWARD- Look, if you’re going to live under my roof then there are going to be certain guidelines you need to follow.
STEWART- OK, dad. Can I have a raise in my allowance if I mow the lawn?
BERNADETTE- Hey! Don’t you take that sarcastic tone with him!
STEWART- You don’t get to tell me what to do!
HOWARD- Don’t talk to her like that. That’s my mother! Wife!
(Howard tries to avoid looking anyone in the eye at this point. Bernadette glares at him from behind but says nothing)
STEWART- Look, this isn’t getting us anywhere. When you’re ready to apologize, you know where to find me.
(Stewart leaves and stalks off camera down the complex hallway. Howard him follows him out the door to yell after him.)
HOWARD- Yeah! In my house!
STEWART- That’s right, suckuh!

_______________________________________________________

SCENE 15- STAIRCASE to LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT
{2nd floor}
SHELDON- I wish I’d never gone. Robbed of my phone and my pants, and I feel no better than before I left.
AMY- But you still accomplished something.
LEONARD- If you had told anyone that you were going by yourself on a train across the country, do you know what they would have said?
SHELDON- That I couldn’t do it?
LEONARD- Exactly. Right after they said, “Yay!”
{3rd floor}
AMY- But you did do it. So what if it didn’t all go your way? Think of it as an adventure.
SHELDON- That’s a good point. I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the balrog and emerged Gandalf the White, stronger than ever. And also whiter.
{4th floor}
SHELDON- (repeat for continuity) And also whiter. I haven’t been in direct sunlight in six weeks.
AMY- You do look pale. I can see more veins than ever.
SHELDON- Thank you. You know. I feel recharged. I feel I can deal with any challenges that cross my way.
{they enter the apartment}
BERNADETTE/HOWARD/RAJ/PENNY (talking over each other)- Hey! Welcome back! We missed you!
(Sheldon points accusingly at Penny)
SHELDON- Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can’t take this. I’m out.
(He spins around and takes off back down the stairs. Leonard leans back against the door jamb with his eyes closed)
LEONARD- I just went to Arizona to get him. It’s someone else’s turn.
PENNY- Ugh!
(Penny takes off after him)
________________________________________________
Scene 16/Tag Scene- LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT
(Sheldon is on the couch using a remote to pull photos up on the TV. Leonard and Penny come in to sit with him)
SHELDON- Would you like to see pictures from my trip?
PENNY- I thought your phone was stolen.
SHELDON- It was. But luckily all my pictures were backed up to the Cloud.
LEONARD- And you thought they all had a silver lining.
SHELDON- This is the seat I almost sat in. These are the crumbs that were on the seat. Seeing as it was First Class my theory is they’re Ritz. The is the First Class bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I’d never have to use the bathroom.
PENNY- I can’t believe you traveled the country and never left the train.
SHELDON- I know. I almost died in a fire in Des Moines but I stayed put. FYI, that’s when the Imodium gave out.

_____________________________________
THE END

Some things had multiple versions. I picked the ones I liked best. Some of these lines I just got wrong. Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Peace out!