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Old 11-06-2013, 09:57 PM
  #42
Tomasina
Part-Time Fan
 
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 136
Here's the whole thing in one piece:

THE THANKSGIVING DECOUPLING

SCENE 1: L/S APARTMENT
Penny and Raj are on the couch and Leonard and Sheldon are flanking a whiteboard.
LEONARD- The math is all there. It’s not real
PENNY- Yes it is!
SHELDON- But look. Even with your stocky build and lumber jack shoulders it is not possible to tip a cow.
RAJ- That’s horrible. Why would you even do that? Cows are sacred animals.
PENNY- Are you kidding? I’ve seen you eat like a million hamburgers.
RAJ- It’s possible for something to be both sacred and delicious.
PENNY- Well, I clearly remember doing it.
LEONARD- Were you drunk?
PENNY- I was 16 in Nebraska. What do you think?
LEONARD- I think you’re the one who fell over.
PENNY- That would explain why the chickens and horses were also on their side.
Howard comes in
HOWARD- Hey, guys.
PENNY- Howard, Cow tipping: real or not?
HOWARD- I’m going to go with “not” based on trying to roll my mother over in be when she snores. Speaking of sides of beef, my mother would like to invite you all over for Thanksgiving.
SHELDON- I’ve been told a bald refusal made to a polite invitation is unacceptable. So I’d love to go, but I won’t because that sounds awful.
HOWARD- Come on. It’ll be fun.
PENNY- Actually we were going to have it here.
HOWARD- Please. Bernadette’s brining her dad because her mom’s out of town and I never have anything to say to that guy.
Leonard is clearly considering it.
SHELDON- Leonard. Every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Does tradition mean nothing to you?
LEONARD- I wanna go.
PENNY- Me, too
RAJ- I’m in.
SHELDON- Fine. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined and it’s on you (Howard).

SCENE 2: L/S APARTMENT- NEXT MORNING
Leonard and Penny are at the kitchen island having veggies and dip and bagels. Everyone is dressed to go but it looks like they are having a light brunch before heading out. Sheldon is in his spot and Amy is walking back to him with her drink.
SHELDON- Do I really have to go?
AMY- Stop complaining, already. I expect you to be on your best behavior.
SHELDON- Now I know how the African slaves felt as they were dragged from their homes to labor under the yoke of the white man.
AMY- Are you seriously comparing your situation to one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind?
Amy sits down next to Sheldon
SHELDON- Yes.
Penny brings her bagel over and sits in the arm chair.
PENNY- You know, you can have a great Thanksgiving anywhere. One year, Zack and I went to Vegas for Thanksgiving. It was great. We gambled, when to one of those cheesy wedding chapels, had a great turkey dinner, which was surprising considering it was at a strip club.
Leonard looks uneasy and walks over with his broccoli
LEONARD- A wedding chapel? What were you doing there?
PENNY- You know, just one of those fake weddings.
LEONARD- Penny, those are real.
PENNY- No, they’re not.
LEONARD- Yes, they are.
PENNY- They aren’t real!
SHAMY- Yes, they’re real.
PENNY- It didn’t seem real.
SHELDON- It’s probably redundant to ask, but at any point did it look like Las Vegas was on its side?
Penny doesn’t look like she thinks this is funny anymore.
SCENE 3: MRS. W’S HOUSE
Bernadette goes to answer the front door and lets her father in. He has a pack of beer in each hand.
BERNADETTE- Hi, Dad.
MIKE- Hi, honey.
BERNADETTE- Oh, you brought beer for everybody.
MIKE- Right. Everybody.
They head into the living room.
MIKE- I just wanted to spend a quiet day at home and watch the game.
BERNADETTE- You can have a quiet day and watch the game here.
MRS WOLOWITZ- (Yelling from upstairs) Howard! The medicine’s not working!
HOWARD- (Yelling from upstairs) You have to give it time to reach your first stomach, Ma!
Howard runs downstairs.
HOWARD- Hey, Mike. Let me help you with that.
Takes one of the packs of beer.
MIKE- What’s wrong with your mother?
HOWARD- Her gout’s flared up. Turns out an apple pie a day does not keep the doctor away.
MRS WOLOWITZ- How can one little toe hurt so bad?!
HOWARD- (yelling upstairs) Maybe because the little piggy’s GETTING CRUSHED BY THE BARN! (to Mike & Bernadette) She should quiet down soon. I gave her enough painkillers to choke a… well… her.
Mike said nothing but looked at Howard in a way that made it clear he wasn’t funny.
BERNADETTE- I guess we’re gonna have to do all the cooking
HOWARD- I gotta better idea.
BERNADETTE- If you think I’m gonna do it all by myself, you’re crazy!
HOWARD- No. I was gonna make Raj do it all by himself.
BERNADETTE- Oh. OK.

SCENE 4: L’S CAR
Leonard is driving with Penny shotgun and Shamy in the back.
AMY- No traffic. We’re sailing.
SHELDON- Like we’re on a ship. Coming from Africa to America.
AMY- This is completely inappropriate. You can’t keep comparing yourself to a slave.
SHELDON- Yes, Miss Amy.
PENNY- (to Leonard) Why are you making such a big deal about this anyway.
SHELDON- Perhaps it’s because every time Leonard’s asked you to marry him you crush him like an insignificant insect yet you run off to Vegas and marry a moron like Zack Johnson on a whim. Just a thought.
LEONARD- You are taking care of this.
PENNY- Of course I will. Now can you let it go so we can just enjoy the holiday?
Amy leans forward with her iphone.
AMY- OK. I’ve looked up grounds for annulment. One: The marriage was not consummated.
Sheldon cracks up laughing.
SHELDON- Oh, please! This is Penny we’re talking about. This thing was consummated.
Leonard looks over at Penny. She looks away and out her window.
AMY- Two: Bigamy. You’re out of luck there unless you have another husband you’ve forgotten about. Three: At least one of the parties was not free to consent due to a lack of understanding as to the significance of the event.
SHELDON: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner. Lack of understanding. That’s our Penny!

SCENE 5: MRS W’S KITCHEN
Raj is wearing a yellow apron and already going full speed ahead while Bernadette is taking groceries out for him. Howard is just in there to hang out.
BERNADETTE- Thanks for saving the day, Raj.
RAJ- No problem. It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without an Indian providing the food. (Pause for enormous audience laugh here) (to Howard) Where does your mom keep the Crisco?
HOWARD- I don’t know. Probably in a wad in her cheek.
BERNADETTE- I can help Raj in the kitchen. Why don’t you go keep my dad company.
HOWARD- He doesn’t want me in there. I’m the creepy little guy who has sex with his daughter.
BERNADETTE- Come on. He loves you.
HOWARD- Really?
BERNADETTE- He really cares about you.
HOWARD- Really?
BERNADETTE- I do crap for you all the time. Get out there!

SCENE 6: MRS W’S LIVING ROOM
Mike and Howard are on the couch together. Mike is focused on the football game while ignoring Howard
HOWARD- So… Your wife’s in Arizona with the grandkids.
MIKE- Uh-huh.
HOWARD- You know, my mom went to Arizona once. Rode one of those mules down the Grand Canyon. Long story short: They had to shoot the mule.
Mike looks at him but says nothing
HOWARD- (can barely squeak it out) It’s funny because she’s so fat.
Mike keeps staring silently. The doorbell rings. Howard jumps up.
HOWARD- I’ll get that while you finish laughing.
Howard opens the door. Sheldon is in front. Amy is behind him with either chocolate cake or Brown Bread.
AMY- Hi. Happy Thanksgiving.
SHELDON- Smells delicious. Is someone slaving away in the kitchen?
Amy shoves Sheldon from behind and he stumbles past Howard into the house without another word. Amy smiles and follows. Then Penny steps in, shoves a bottle of wine into Howard’s hands, and walks past him without a word. Leonard follows and stops in the doorway.
HOWARD- What’s with her?
LEONARD- Oh. She’s just mad at me because she just found out she’s married to Zack.
HOWARD- What?! (over his shoulder to Penny) That dumbass you used to date?!
Penny walks back into frame, takes the bottle back from Howard, and stalks away.
PENNY- (to Leonard) I can’t believe you made me feel guilty for opening this in the car!

SCENE 7: MRS W’S KITCHEN
Raj is still stirring and juggling (metaphorically) while Bernadette is on the far side near the door working on sweet potatoes. Amy comes in with her cake.
AMY- Need any help?
RAJ- Yeah. Can you reach that gravy boat?
AMY- Sure.
Amy pulls it down from a shelf above the refrigerator and hands it to him. Raj throws a critical look over his shoulder at Bernadette.
RAJ- Great. That makes one of you.
Bernadette looks at him angrily but says nothing. Raj claps and rubs his hands together and looks around the kitchen.
RAJ- OK. We have a lot to do and not much time to do it. Bernadette, you’re in charge of corn, gravy, and yam detail. Amy, you’re in charge of rolls, cranberries, and keeping Bernadette away from the marshmallows. (to Bernadette) That’s right. I see you.
Raj points two fingers to his own eyes then points them at Bernadette.
RAJ-If you have any questions, I’ll be over here basting my ass off. OK. Focus is the key.
Raj runs across the kitchen next to Bernadette and starts mixing turbriskifil drippings. Amy starts to pick up the rolls but instead turns around and looks at them worriedly.
AMY- Did you know Penny married Zack four years ago?
(simultaneously)RAJ- Tell me everything! BERNADETTE- Whaaaa!
Oh. And Bernadette has already managed to stuff a full-sized marshmallow in her mouth, which is why she can’t enunciate properly. When Raj sees it she slowly closes her lips over it and starts chewing like a chipmunk with a mouth full of nuts.
SCENE 8: MRS. W’S LIVING ROOM
Mike is still in on the couch watching TV with Howard on the left. Penny is to the left in another armchair and Leonard is standing behind the couch working on his phone. Sheldon comes into the room.
SHELDON- Sorry I took so long. That bathroom is very disconcerting. It’s impossible to find an angle to urinate without a clown looking at you.
HOWARD- That’s why I sit down.
MIKE- Sure. That’s why.
Sheldon sits down in the arm chair to the right and looks at the TV.
HOWARD- You ever play football, Mike?
MIKE- A little in college. You?
HOWARD- No. But I was tackled in a hallway once. Whole school cheered.
Mike says nothing and turns his attention back to the TV. Leonard finishes on his phone and walks over to Penny.
LEONARD- OK. I downloaded all the paperwork you need for an annulment.
PENNY- Fine.
LEONARD- You can do it as soon as we get home.
PENNY- I said I’d take care of it! I know I screwed up. Do you have to keep rubbing my face in it?
Penny gets up and goes into the dining room. Leonard sits down in Penny’s chair looking exasperated.
LEONARD- Why am I the bad guy here? She screwed up. I’m the victim here!
HOWARD- Sounds like Zack’s the victim. You’re the one sleeping with his wife.
MIKE- You know, I’ve been married for 35 years. Can I weigh in here?
LEONARD- Please.
MIKE- Shut up. I’m trying to watch the game.
Leonard leaves and follows Penny. Camera cuts to them. She just got off the phone.
PENNY- I called Zack. He’s on his way over to sign the papers.
LEONARD- What?! He’s coming here now? Why would you do that?!
PENNY- You keep going on about it. So I’m taking care of it. Isn’t what you wanted?
Raj sticks his head out the kitchen door with a mixing bowl in his hands and snaps at them.
RAJ- Do you mind? People are trying to cook in here.
LEONARD- Sorry, Raj. We’ll be quiet.
RAJ- No. Speak up. I’ve got to turn the blender on and I don’t want to miss anything.
Camera cuts back to the living room
MIKE- I don’t believe that play. How are they supposed to recover from that?
SHELDON- If they bring pressure from one side and drop the weakside defensive end into a zone coverage on the opposite side, they could pull off a defensive blitz.
Howard and Mike both stare at Sheldon.
HOWARD- That’s great because there’s nothing I like more than a blitz with sour cream. You know? It’s funny because blitz sounds like blintz?
MRS. WOLOWITZ- (yelling from upstairs) Did somebody say blintz?
Mike ignores Howard and turns to Sheldon.
MIKE- How does a guy like you know football?
SHELDON- My father was a big fan. He used to force me to watch it before he’d let me do my homework.
MIKE- Hey, you remember that Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?
SHELDON- ’93. Dolphins vs. Cowboys. Cowboys in the lead with 15 seconds left on the clock. Leon Lett muffs the ball. Dolphins take possession and score another field goal with 3 seconds left. The Cowboys lost. Then I did my calculus homework.
MIKE- I was so mad I wanted to shoot the TV.
SHELDON- So did my dad. Then he did.
MIKE- What’s your dad doing these days?
SHELDON- Nothing. He died when I was 14.
MIKE- Oh. I’m sorry.
SHELDON- It’s alright.
MIKE- So you never got to watch a game and drink a beer with him.
SHELDON- No. He tried to for my high school graduation. But I was 11. So mom said no.
MIKE- Well… (cracks open another can of beer and holds it out to Sheldon) You’re gonna have one now.
(There was basically a silent “Aww” here while the whole audience held its breath waiting to see how Sheldon would react.) Sheldon stares at the beer for a moment, then leans forward and takes it.
SHELDON- Alright.
Sheldon takes a sip and they go back to watching the TV.
HOWARD- You know… (everyone started laughing preemptively here. The tension was gone and we knew what was coming) my dad left me and my mom when I was seven. So… I never got to have a beer with my dad either.
MIKE- Quiet, Howard. We’re watching the game.

SCENE 9: MRS W’S KITCHEN.
Still Amy, Bernadette, and Raj busily cooking.
AMY- I can’t believe Penny’s married to Zack.
RAJ- I wonder what she saw in that guy.
BERNADETTE- I don’t know. He’s sweet, tall, handsome…
AMY- …broad shoulders, great hair
RAJ- I wonder what she sees in Leonard.
Raj starts taking stuff into the dining room and Howard comes in looking upset
HOWARD- Mike and Sheldon are bonding and they don’t want anything to do with me.
BERNADETTE- What?
HOWARD- Sheldon started talking about how his dad died and they’re both completely ignoring me.
AMY- I know how you feel. Sheldon ignored me for a week when he got that Roomba vacuum. I’d kick it when he wasn’t looking.
Amy follows Raj with more food. Bernadette goes over to hug Howard.
BERNADETTE- It can’t be that bad.
HOWARD- It is! Mike said that since Sheldon never got to have a beer with his dad he should have one with him. So I pointed out that my father left me when I was only seven so…
Amy sticks her head back in the door quickly before dashing back out.
AMY- Zack’s here!
Bernadette immediately lets go of Howard and runs after her, then stops and remembers herself.
BERNADETTE- I really care about how sad you are that your dad left you and all but I really need to see this so I’ll be back in like five… ten minutes tops.
She rushes after Raj and Amy, turns back to grab another marshmallow, then runs out leaving Howard alone in the kitchen.
SCENE 10- MRS W’S DINING ROOM
Raj, Amy, and Bernadette are flanking the window, folding napkins and inserting them into rings assembly line fashion as they watch Penny, Zack, and Leonard as eagerly as the people reading this taping report.
LEONARD- Sorry she made you come over on a holiday.
ZACK- It’s OK. I had nothing else to do and Penny told me we’re married. Thanksgiving should be spent with family so…
Penny signs a packet of papers and slides it over to Zack.
PENNY- Just sign here and we can get this over with.
ZACK- I don’t know if I can do this.
PENNY- What? Why not?
ZACK- Splitting up can be hard on the kids.
PENNY- We don’t have any kids!
ZACK- Are you sure? You just found out this morning we were married. How do you know there aren’t any kids floating around out there?
LEONARD- You married him instead of me. Good call.
PENNY- Will you just stop?!
LEONARD- Stop talking to me like this is my fault!
PENNY- I know it’s my fault. Do you have to make this any harder than it already is?
Zack pokes Leonard in the arm with the button end of the pen.
ZACK- Not cool, little man. I’m not sure you’re the kind of guy I want dating my wife.
LEONARD- Well, she won’t be your wife for long.
Zack looks frightened and looks at Penny.
ZACK- Oh my god. Are you dying?
Leonard gives Penny a “Really?” look but keeps his mouth shut this time. She bites her lip and closes her eyes and looks as embarrassed as when Zack asked if they were going to blow up the moon.
PENNY- Just… sign it.
Zack gives in and signs. He throws the pen on the table and grins.
ZACK- Well that’s over with. Let’s eat!
SCENE 11- MRS W’S LIVING ROOM
Sheldon and Mike are on the couch together now.
SHELDON- (belching) …two three eight four six. (end belch) That’s all the pi I can do without throwing up.
MRS WOLOWITZ- (yelling from upstairs) Did somebody say pie?
He ended on the 20th decimal place of pi, so this is the nerdy equivalent of belching the alphabet. Mike thinks it’s hilarious.
MIKE- You know, I don’t know what’s scarier. All the clowns around here or the woman who put them there.
SHELDON- All I know is you can only fit one of her in a van.
They both start laughing. Howard comes back in the room.
SHELDON- And there’s the clown who came out of her.
They are knee-slapping laughing now. Howard turns around and leaves.
SHELDON- You know, I wasn’t looking forward to coming here but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve ever had.
MIKE- Me too.
Bernadette comes in holding Howard by the arm and looking furious. Amy follows.
BERNADETTE- You’ve been making fun of Howard all night! The two of you are going to apologize right now!
They both stop laughing and stare at Bernadette. Sheldon appears frightened until he opens his mouth.
SHELDON- She’s so tiny. It’s funny when she’s angry.
Bernadette is speechless. Amy stalks over to Sheldon angrily.
AMY- Alright, mister! That’s completely uncalled for! I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
SHELDON- Perhaps I do.
Sheldon stands up unsteadily.
SHELDON- I’m sorry for my behavior. I’m under the influence of alcohol and I’ve been behaving inappropriately.
AMY- Thank you.
HOWARDETTE- That’s OK.
Sheldon grins at Amy and she gives him an approving smile. He gestures to her and smiles at Bernadette and Howard.
SHELDON- Ain’t she great? (to Amy) Now how’s about you get us a couple of beers, little lady?
Then, still grinning at Amy, he winds up, leans back enough that he’s only standing on one leg, and smacks her on the ass hard enough to make her jump forward. She continues on towards the kitchen, first with a look of shock, then a “Did that just happen?” smile. She looks back and smiles at Sheldon one more time before going through the door. He smiles back at her. The others don’t seem to know what to think. Once Amy is out of sight Sheldon clutches his wrist and grimaces.
SHELDON- Gee, that smarts!
SCENE 12: MRS W’S DINING ROOM
Everyone sans Mrs. Wolowitz is there. Zack too. They are all sitting down to eat. Everyone looks happy. Mike is at the head of the table.
BERNADETTE- Thank you all again for coming. And thank you Raj for doing such a wonderful job.
RAJ- Well, I couldn’t have done it without my two favorite girls.
Amy and Bernadette look flattered.
RAJ- Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray.
Sheldon nods in agreement and gets up to leave the room. Penny and Leonard hold hands and look happily at each other as if nothing had ever happened.
PENNY- I promise you the next time I get married it won’t be a joke. It’ll be for love. Or money.
LEONARD- I’m sorry, too.
Sheldon comes back in and sits down unsteadily
SHELDON- I just vomited on a lot of clowns.
MIKE- Hey, Sheldon. What do you say after dinner you and I go out and toss the old pigskin around?
SHELDON- Oh… (Looks over at Howard) I don’t think so. This is a Jewish house. I don’t think you’ll find any pig skins here.
MRS WOLOWITZ- (yelling from upstairs) Did somebody say pig skins?!
THE END
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