GobSmacked82

Kevin and Whitney walk onto a set of TBG, specifically Frank Farmer’s house. No one else is around, until Whitney invokes a major third party. Ladies, I edited this slightly to reflect the fact that Whitney specified in her contract 'no nudity!' But I still think you'll like the result.


KC: (turns on a few lights) OK, Whitney. I want to show you how we’d orchestrate Frank & Rachel’s first couple of romantic scenes.
WH: Looks around and nods.
KC: (Pointing at the cameras.) So let’s say the main shot is a two-camera, OK? That one is on you and that one would be on me. You’ve focused on cameras before, but you know how to make them disappear and focus on your co-star, right?
WH: Yeah, I can handle that.
KC: These are our marks. You stand here, and the grips will be all around us with the microphones and all. (Positions her on a mark, holding her by the shoulders.)
WH: Those guys have to be pretty strong, huh?
KC: Yeah, they do. Lighting there. Everybody is here, so it’s a workplace. You don’t have to worry about a certain guy, with a certain reputation trying to get fresh with you.
WH: (Smirks) I can handle myself. I have brothers, you know. They told me all the isht you all try to lay on us.
KC: (laughs) You’re very smart. OK, ready for the lines? (Puts a prop in her hand and sits down) I’m here on the couch. Frank tells Rachel to be careful with the sword. You go ahead.
WH: You’re a hard one to figure out, Frank Farmer.
KC: Look right at me. Right here. We’re here. (gestures with his fingers between her eyes and his) That’s better. Keep going. Frank and Rachel are headed for trouble.
WH: A bodyguard must know very little peace.
KC: (gets up and maintains distance with the stand-in sword) While I pull your scarf off keep looking right at me. They both know what’s coming and are not going to turn back. Watch the scarf fall. When it falls in two pieces like that, you know what it means?
WH: (swallows) Yeah, I do.
KC: They don’t stop watching each other. Otherwise, the spell would break. (Grabs her hand, moves the prop away and pulls her in.)
WH: (her big ole cell phone rings) Excuse me. Boooby said he would call me. (answers it) Hey, B----. At work. I told you I would be. How was your session? (Kevin gets bored and picks up the prop.) Well, I can’t do that. That’s ridiculous and you know it. Are you trying to make me look bad. I know I got the job already, but I don’t need a jealous fiancé to get everybody all pissed off at me. Sorry, no. I have to go. I’ll see you later. Like, later. We’re almost done here. I don’t know. Maybe, like, an hour. (looks at Kevin for a rescue)
KC: (Nods and clears his throat loudly)
WH: OK, I have to go, B----. What? Again? Man, I’m gonna be too tired. And I have to be on set early as usual. No. Not tonight!! Tomorrow. OK, enough now. I have to finish up here, B----. (hangs up)
KC: Did I get you into trouble? Keeping you late?
WH: He’s just checking in on me. I was supposed to call, but I forgot. It happens sometimes. I should do better. (yawns)
KC: You’re already yawning?
WH: That’s because my boyfriend found out we were going to be shooting the sword scene tomorrow and last night he … wore. Me. Out. (punctuates every word by rocking her body back and forth)
KC: (Shakes his head and looks away) Yeah, well. We do that sort of thing from time to time. It’s called ‘man insurance.’
WH: Y’all stupid, though. All you really need to do to lock us down is flirt a little and give us foot rubs and back rubs. Be charming and smooth and like a gentleman. Instead of all this pushing and shoving to prove a point. You men get on my nerves sometimes.
KC: Well, look. Frank is not going to push or shove. And if he does try that isht, I’ll have Rachel throw him down, OK?
WH: Deal. Gimme five. (they do the handshake she taught him)
KC: Come here, you have homework. (He pulls her close, right to his chest and slowly wraps one arm around her waist. To get her in the mood again, he strokes her back and her face.) Show me your kiss.
WH: (kisses him, close-mouthed)
KC: You’re funny. Do you want to nail this and go home or waste time? Show me how Rachel, who’s been picking at Frank and wearing him down all those weeks, show me how she’d finally kiss him.
WH: Just don’t put your tongue—
KC: I know the rules, Choir Girl. Let’s go.
WH: (Kisses him again, a little more open-mouthed.)
KC: (Pulls away) Now, just follow my lead. We’ll try to run through this in, like 40 minutes max. And then you can go home.
WH: (Shrugs) I’m … I’m good with time.
KC: (Looks at her for a few moments.) OK, I’ll sit down again and we’ll run through it from there. Straight through to there … (points at the practice set for Frank’s bedroom)
WH: (Takes a deep breath) Got it. Ready.
So they get into position again with the prop sword. Kevin/Frank watches Whitney/Rachel hold the sword up to his chest. He stands up, moves the sword and they … full on start making out. Just like that.
KC: (Has both arms around Whitney and is holding her head in his hands, carefully.) Frank is going to undo her jeans first. (He undoes her belt buckle and pulls it off so fast, it sounds like a whip.) Just follow my lead. Stay where I put you.
WH: (She nods and says something unintelligible.)
KC: Camera one is behind you. (He kisses her more thoroughly.) And then what?
WH: (She moves him to a wall and undoes his shirt buttons. Looks into his eyes and her hands start shaking. But she gets the shirt off.)
KC: Ready?
WH: (Nods)
KC: (He picks her up, wraps her legs around him and carries her to Frank’s room, while they keep kissing. He sets her down on Frank's bed. Raises his eyebrows at her.) And then?
WH: Rachel ... um ... (Whitney slides back further on the bed. checks behind her.) Moves here. Then she ... grabs Frank. (She grabs "Frank," and pulls him in for a long, open-mouthed kiss. No tongue.)
KC: (chuckles) You're cute.
WH: I'm serious about that. We need to focus! One hour.
KC: You're right. (Takes "Rachel's" arm and flips her over onto her belly. Kisses her neck and shoulders. His hands are everywhere.)
WH: ("Rachel," rolls onto her back again.) And they kind of just look at each other, like that, right?
KC: That's right. And then Frank will pull Rachel's jeans off. But we'll shoot it so the body double stands in. (While he's saying this, KC runs his hands down WH's legs. She reacts.) For the close-up on you ...
WH: I'll have leggings on underneath. Rachel will be watching Frank. And then they ... um ... do it. They don't stop for, like hours. (laughs.) And the scene pretty much cuts off there, right?
KC: That's right. (He ain't laughing, though. They stare for a good minute. Then, from where he is, he pulls Whitney's loafers and jeans off. Then he moves up, hovers for a second and they start making out again. He pulls her shirt off, and things get heavy. This time, Whitney allows him to use his tongue.)
OK, so like, 45 minutes later the place is a disaster. Clothes everywhere and Whitney is KO’d. Fast asleep. Her big old cell phone starts ringing again, and the noise startles her.
WH: Noooo I said! Leave me alone! I’m tiiired, B-----!!
KC: (puts his hand over her mouth right when she says that name.) Whitney, wake up. (He shakes her gently.) It’s getting late. You’re going to be late.
WH: (Waking up. Covers her face and yawns.) Look at this place. I’ll be lucky if I’m only ‘late.’ (Suddenly sits upright, scared.) Oh no. Oh my God. We did too much. We’re going to hell!
KC: Just settle down, Whitney. Don’t have a coronary.
WH: Oh my G------! I just kedufc my boooossss! I just kedufc my boooossss! (Starts a full meltdown, singing hymns and rocking back and forth and stuff.)
KC: Whitney, please calm down. We’re not totally soundproof in here. (Starts rounding up her clothes. He gets dressed.)
WH: WE ARE GOING TO H-E-E-E-LLL, Kevin!
KC: No one is going anywhere. Please stop crying.
WH: This is a disaster! This is the worst thing in the world. I'm dead meat. Thou shalt not kfcu your married boss, that’s what the good … (hiccup) … book … (hiccup) SAYS!!
After about 15 minutes, Whitney not singing hymns, or reciting scary scriptures anymore. She is merely sobbing uncontrollably. Into Kevin's shoulder, despite her guilt. He's the only one around to give sympathy, anyway.
WH: What am I going to do? I can’t look my mother in the face. (hiccups violently) You can't get NOTHING past Cissy! My father is going to disown me. (hiccups) Cindy is going to jump me for jumping her man. B---- is going to knock me out!
KC: Excuse me?!
WH: (Flops back on the bed.) All. Those. Years. Of. Sunday School, WASTED!!
KC: (Puts his head in his hands.) It’s always the choir girls.
END Part I