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Old 11-09-2011, 10:57 PM
Master Fan

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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 18,055
Sorry about the wait! But here it is. As always, please credit me if you share this info anywhere else.

The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition


Comic book store - Leonard, Howard, and Raj are looking through comics at the same table. Howard asks if there’s a reason that they come to the store every week instead of just downloading the comics digitally. Stuart walks up and says that if guys stop coming to the comic book store, then he’s going to loose everything he’s work for - his mangy cot in the back, his hot plate, the sink he bathes in. Leonard tells him not to worry, because for most of the guys there, their weekly trip to the store is the one chance their moms have to sneak down into the basement to change their sheets.

Then it was changed so Stuart walks up and says that the store provides them with a place to commune with others and share their interest in comic books and science fiction. On the second take of this version, Stuart started his line by addressing Howard as his “little friend.” On the third, he called him his “loyal customer,” and put an arm around him. Howard considers, and says no, that’s not it.

Then it changed again, so Howard just says that it’s surprising that people still come to the comic book store instead of downloading digitally. Leonard says his original line about the moms changing sheets, and that reminds Howard that he needs to text his mom to remind her to change his sheets. Then it was changed again, so Howard’s final line was, “That reminds me, I get new sheets tonight!”

Cut to Sheldon and Amy, elsewhere in the store. Sheldon asks her what she thinks of new comic book night, and asks, isn’t it magical? Amy says she’s disappointed. She says that as a brilliant man, Sheldon is allowed his vice, and it’d be acceptable if it was going to opium bars, or hunting his fellow man for sport, but comic books are lame-o. Sheldon says, A, comic books are an art form that go back 17,000 years to cave paintings. And B, Amy plays the harp, like that’s cool.

Stuart approaches and asks Amy if there’s anything he can help her with. On the first take, Amy said a woman superhero whose power isn’t her super bosom. Stuart says that most of the guys who come to the store like super bosoms… and a few of them have them. Then Amy’s line was changed to asking if he could find a woman on the cover whose chest couldn’t be used as a flotation device. Stuart says most of the guys who come in like big boobs… and a few of them have them.

Cut back to the other guys, Raj is walking back to Leonard and Howard and tells them that the new Mystic Warlords of Ka’a expansion pack is out. Howard takes it and says that’s unbelievable they released another one, they just keep creating silly new monsters and packing them for 25 bucks each, it’s like a hidden tax for guys who can’t get laid. Raj says they’re not even trying anymore, and reminds them of the Satanimals set, with the Helliphant - “what, was the elephant bad and sent to hell?” - and asks what an elephant could do to deserve eternal damnation anyway.

Howard reads off the box - Wild West and Witches - and asks who cares who would win in a fight between Billy the Kid and the White Wizard of the North. Raj says that it’s obviously Billy the Kid, the sharpshooter would win over an old man with a wand. Leonard says hold on a minute, what if the wizard cast a helmet confusion spell on Billy the Kid’s cowboy hat? Howard says the wizard would be shot between the eyes before he could say, “What’s Billy the Kid doing here?” Last take, changed to, “What’s Billy the Kid doing in the mystic realm of Ka’a?”

Stuart walks up and asks Leonard what’s the deal with Amy, and if she and Sheldon are a couple. Leonard says yeah, a couple of weirdoes, and asks if Stuart’s interested in her. Stuart says something about how she didn’t look through him with hatred, and he likes that in a woman. He asks if Leonard will ask Sheldon if he’d be okay with him asking Amy out, and Leonard says sure.

Howard asks Stuart if he could settle a discussion, who would win between Billy the Kid and the White Wizard of the North? Stuart says he doesn’t want to tell them and ruin all the fun that they could he having for the low, magical price of $24.95. Raj says okay then, he’ll take one. Howard gives in and says make it two. Leonard says “I hate all of you, and myself,” and says he’ll take one as well. As Stuart goes to ring them up, he says to himself that it’s like shooting nerds in a barrel.


Guy’s apartment, Sheldon’s at his computer, Leonard’s in the kitchen. Leonard asks Sheldon if he can ask him something, and says it’s kind of awkward. Sheldon says yes, and he thinks he knows what it is - given Leonard’s lack of success, he’s considering if he should abandon his research and teach instead. Sheldon says he should. And he suggests that Leonard switch to the humanities, or history - you don’t have to create anything there, just memorize things that happened and parrot them back, “you could have fun with that.”

Leonard says that’s not it, and that Stuart is interested in Amy. Sheldon says of course he is, Amy’s a very interesting person; when she was 14, she separated the webbing between her own toes. Leonard says no, Stuart wants to ask her out, and asks what Sheldon thinks of that.

Sheldon says he doesn’t know how to respond. He doesn’t own Amy. And no one can own a person, not since… Leonard looks at him blankly, and Sheldon finishes, 1873, when Abraham Lincoln… Leonard just glares now, and Sheldon finishes, freed the slaves. Sheldon tells him that these are the kinds of things he’s going to need to know when he teaches history.

Leonard says he’s going to tell Stuart Sheldon’s fine with it. Sheldon says that it’s a moot point, since there’s no way that Stuart, the poor picture-book peddler, will be of interest to Amy, who did surgery on her own foot with nothing but the gas from a whipped cream can as anesthesia. Leonard says, for the record, he did ask. Sheldon says they need to get back to the real question, what to do with a washed up experimental physicist. Leonard says he’s not washed up. Sheldon tells him, “Lots of people love you, and want to help you, but they can’t do that until you admit you have a problem.”


The girls are at Penny’s apartment. Penny pours herself a glass of wine and says that they killed the bottle. Amy says that she only had half a glass, and Bernadette says she didn’t have any. Penny says “don’t judge me.” Then Penny asks them what they should do next, go to the movies, go dancing, maybe lie down for a little while. Amy suggests Travel Twister, and goes to retrieve it from the couch. Bernadette asks, really, Twister? Amy says she’s passed many an entertaining night in her apartment playing Twister, and she’s sure it’s even more fun when playing with other people. Amy says, come on Bestie, we’ll play shirts and skins, “I’ll be shirts, called it!”

Amy’s phone buzzes, so she goes over to the couch to check the message. As she does that, Bernadette says she’s too short to play Twister. She’s also too short for roller coasters, and to sit with her feet touching the ground, “hope you enjoyed those pre-natal cigarettes, Mom.” Penny says her mom smoked pot when she was pregnant with her, and she turned out fine - “oh look, I have peach snaps!”

Amy says something happened. Bernadette asks what, and Amy says she thinks a boy likes her. Bernadette goes to sit next to her on the couch, and reads from the phone, something like, “Hi, this is Stuart, we met at the comic book store. I was wondering if you might want to get coffee with me sometime. Don’t feel bad if you say no, it might give me the kick in the pants to finally start Zoloft.”

Penny says, look at you Amy, working it under all those layers of polyester and cotton. Bernadette asks Amy what she’s going to do, and doesn’t Stuart know that Amy has a boyfriend? Penny says Amy doesn’t have a boyfriend, Amy has a Sheldon. Penny asks Amy if she likes Stuart. Amy says well he is nice, and funny, and has the something that indicates an overactive thyroid, so that’s hot. Penny tells her that she’s been with Sheldon for a year now, and if she’s not happy with how things are, there’s no harm in exploring her options. Bernadette says yeah, she guesses Amy and Sheldon aren’t engaged like she and Howard are. Penny says, for the record, engaged people can look around too, “there are a lotta options out there.”


Leonard and Sheldon enter the comic book store, and are surprised to see a new guy behind the counter. Sheldon asks where Stuart is. The guy laughs a little, and says he’s out. Sheldon asks who he is. He laughs again, and says Dale, and Stuart left him in charge. Leonard asks, really? Dale says he doesn’t get it either.

Leonard says he wants to return his Mystic Warlords of Ka’a expansion pack. Dale says he doesn’t know how to do returns. On the second take, he said he can’t do returns, they’re too hard. Leonard asks when Stuart will be back. Dale says he doesn’t know, Stuart went out to coffee… with a girl (more giggling from Dale).

Sheldon looks up, considers, and says that apparently he was wrong. Leonard asks him if he’s okay. Sheldon asks, “Am I okay?” He says that he is on a trajectory that will lead him to a Noble Prize and having cities named after him. All four of his wisdom teeth fit comfortably in his mouth, with no need for extraction. And then he had a third example that I forgot. But then he repeats, “Am I okay?” disbelievingly (like, of course he is). Dale speaks up from behind the register, “I’m good too!”


The guy at Leonard and Sheldon’s, playing Wild West and Witches. Raj plays a card, then Leonard goes (I don’t remember the card names), then Sheldon (wearing a white cowboy hat) plays Flaming Spittoon. Sheldon says that he’s disappointed in them - it’s their first time playing Wild West and Witches, and no one else dressed up. Then he picks up a small spittoon, and spits into it. Howard says they’re not wearing cowboy hats, it looks silly. Sheldon asks, and I suppose my boots and spurs are silly too? The other guys agree they are. Sheldon asks what about when they first played Satanimals, and he dressed up as the Beelzebub boarhound, who looked silly then? The guys all agree again he did.

Leonard says they should go easy on Sheldon, Amy’s out with Stuart tonight. Howard asks, really, Sheldon’s blend of condescension and no sex couldn’t hold on to a girl? Sheldon says, cluck cluck cluck, are they women at a sewing bee, or men playing a fantasy card game set in a mystical land? Howard apologizes, and plays his card. I forgot what he played on the first take, but on the second, he said Creepy Teepee. I think Johnny might have cracked a smile at that, but then Kunal ended up cracking up at it.

Raj played a card, then Leonard played Hocus Pocus Pocahontas. Sheldon says that the three of them are the ones focusing on Amy and Stuart, so who looks silly now? He stands and goes to the fridge to get something, and as he walks the spurs on his boots make noise. The guys all agree it’s still Sheldon who looks silly.


The guys are in the university cafeteria. Raj hurries up to them holding a tin and says it’s the deluxe set of Wild West and Witches - it’s signed and numbered and comes in a tin. Leonard asks, really? They just bought the regular one. Howard’s excited to find a sheriff’s badge inside, and Raj shows him how it doubles as a wand. (On one take, after Leonard’s line, when the camera went back to Simon and Kunal, they were still struggling to open the tin. Simon said “This isn’t happening,” and Kunal said, “We’ll go back,” and they started from the top again). Leonard takes the wand, and says, “Is that a hologram? Nice!”

He tries to show it to Sheldon, “did you see this?”, but Sheldon’s on his laptop. I think on the first take, Sheldon said to give him a minute. On the second, Sheldon says he’s in the matrix, he sees everything. Leonard looks at the screen, and asks Sheldon if he really friended Stuart on facebook. Howard says he thought Sheldon didn’t like facebook anymore. On the first take, Sheldon said that he doesn’t like Mark Zuckerberg’s attitude, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like his software. On the second take, Sheldon said of course he likes facebook, he’s a fan of anything that replaces human interaction.

Raj says that Sheldon’s just checking Stuart’s page to see how his date with Amy went. Sheldon says he doesn’t care of someone shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite woman. Raj tells Sheldon he’s full of himself. Sheldon unfriends Raj. Raj asks, did you really just unfriend me? Howard says big deal, he’ll see less statuses about “I can’t believe it took me so long to make my own potpourri!”

Leonard tells Sheldon to just talk to Amy and tell her he’s jealous. Sheldon unfriends Leonard. Howard tells Sheldon that he should handle it the old fashioned way and challenge Stuart to a fight, and women think that two white guys swiping at each other is hot (Howard demonstrates weakly waving his arms in front of him). Sheldon unfriends Howard. Leonard says now that Sheldon’s unfriended all of them, he needs to use the laptop. Sheldon asks why, and Leonard says he needs to order the stupid deluxe set.

At one point between takes, Johnny playfully tapped Kunal on the head with the sheriff wand.


Sheldon knocks at Penny’s door. First, Penny responded after each knock - “Penny.” “Yes?” “Penny.” “What?” “Penny.” “Coming!” Then at the end, they redid it, so between the knock itself and Sheldon’s “Penny,” Penny shouts, “Who do we love?” But the first time they tried it the new way, Kaley messed up the timing, so she shouted it after Jim said Penny. After the second one she realized her mistake, and sort of squealed/screamed.

But anyway, Penny opens the door, and tells Sheldon to come on in, and asks what’s up. Sheldon asks if she’d like to go on a date with him. (On the first take, Kaley cracked and started laughing here.) Penny asks, what? Sheldon says a date - dinner, dancing, maybe take in a prized fight. Penny says god, you’re trying to make Amy jealous. Sheldon asks why everyone is fixated on Amy and Stuart, and whether or not they’re going to have intercourse tonight. (On a later take, changed to why everyone is fixated on them and whether they’re going to share another pumpkin latte, or have intercourse tonight.) Penny says making her jealous is not a way to get her back. On one take, Kaley accidentally said something like, “If you’re jealous,” then stopped and said, “that’s not the line,” and Jim said it was okay, his wasn’t the right line either (he’d also messed it up somehow), and then they went back and forth a little about how the lines still worked.

Sheldon asks what would be one of the ways. Penny says she’s got a story for him - there was this guy that she really liked, but she didn’t tell him, and eventually he started going out with someone else, and she’s regretted it ever since. She asks Sheldon if he understands. Sheldon says yes, he’s that guy. Penny says no! Sheldon says that then so many things make sense - why she spends so much time in their apartment, her baffling relationship with Leonard just so she could be around Sheldon more, why she calls him sweetie all the time. Penny says she calls everyone sweetie. Sheldon calls her a skank.

Penny tells Sheldon to just strap on a pair and go talk to Amy. Sheldon asks, “Strap on a pair? Of what, skates?” Penny says, “You are so not the guy.”

SCENE 8 (Pre-taped)

Stuart and Amy in a movie theater. Stuart tells Amy she can leave if she’s bored. Amy says she’s having a good time. Stuart says she doesn’t have to pacify him. Sheldon comes in, and squeezes down the row to sit next to Amy. Amy asks him what he’s doing there. Sheldon says the thought of her sitting in the dark with a guy like Stuart was repellant, then adds to Stuart, no offense. Stuart says none taken, though repellant is a strong word.

Amy says that given the paradigm of their current relationship, she can put herself in all the repellant situations she likes. Stuart says again, that word… Sheldon tells him that he’s being rude. Then Sheldon tells Amy that he would consider altering that paradigm, but with absolutely no other changes, so that he would no longer object if they were to stop referring to Amy as not his girlfriend. Amy says to try that without the triple negative. Sheldon says something I can’t remember (basically against how specific Amy wants him to get), and Amy leans away from him back towards Stuart, “hi Stuart.”

Sheldon says fine, and asks Amy if she’ll be his girlfriend. Amy says yes. Satisfied, Sheldon leaves, but as he passes Stuart again on the way out, gives him some money to buy himself a snack.


Stuart’s walking Amy back to her apartment. He says that other than her upping her relationship status with another guy, it was nice. Amy thanks him for walking her to the door. Sheldon knocks at the door from the inside (Amy, Amy, Amy), Amy opens it, and Sheldon tells them to wrap things up out there. He closes the door, and Amy tells Stuart goodnight. They hug, too long for Sheldon’s liking, who calls through the door, “you heard her, goodnight!”

Stuart leaves, Amy enters her apartment, and asks Sheldon how he got in. (Mayim messed up her line on the first take, she asked “What are you doing here?) Sheldon asks if that’s the attitude he can expect from her now that she’s his girlfriend, and says it’s a good thing he drew this up, pulling out a stack of papers. Amy sits next to him on the couch and asks what it is. Sheldon says it’s a Relationship Agreement, outlining the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, henceforth known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, henceforth known as the girlfriend. Amy (genuinely) says that’s so romantic.

Sheldon tells her to peruse it while he gets out his notary stamps. Amy opens it to the section on handholding, which says it’s only allowed when one of them is about to fall off of a cliff or ledge, as a firm handshake after winning the Noble Prize, or during scary movies. On the second take, scary movies was changed to as moral support during flu shots. Amy says that’s rather restrictive. Sheldon tells her she can get a lawyer.


Penny’s apartment, the girls are playing Twister. Amy tells Penny right hand red. Penny says she’s got her red, and reaches for her glass of wine. Amy tells Bernadette left foot yellow. Bernadette tries, but says she can’t reach, then says next they should play limbo, no one beats her at limbo.

Sheldon knocks at the door, (Penny, Amy, Bernadette). Amy says, “that’s my boyfriend,” then tells him it’s open. Sheldon comes in and says he has a splinter, and holds up his finger. Amy asks what he wants her to do about it. He tells her that under the Relationship Agreement, she has to take care of it. On the first take, Amy said to follow him to Penny’s bathroom, but Sheldon objects to the minor surgery in Penny’s germy apartment. Then it was changed to Amy just standing to meet him, and saying she should have gotten a lawyer.

Bernadette says to Penny that it’s just the two of them playing now, but Penny’s passed out and snoring, one leg draped over Bernadette. Bernadette tries to move, but tells Penny she’s stuck, and then looks over to see Penny’s asleep. Bernadette says loudly, “We’re out of wine,” and Penny quickly sits up and says, “You should drive.”
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Last edited by ennaxor; 11-10-2011 at 03:52 PM
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