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Old 10-13-2011, 01:52 AM
  #198
ennaxor
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Here it is! Please as always, credit me if you share info from this anywhere else.

The Rhinitis Revelation

SCENE 1

Leonard, Sheldon, and Mrs. Cooper are in the guys’ apartment. Leonard asks Mary about the cruise she’s going on. She says it’s called the Born Again Boating, and Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating - five thorny crowns. She says she wishes that Sheldon would go with her. Sheldon says that if he did, that would be proof that her God can do miracles. Mary says that everything’s themed - there’s Jonas and the whale watching, all you can eat last supper buffet, and her favorite, gunning with God.

Leonard says he’s afraid to ask, but does ask what gunning with God is. Mary says you write your sins on a clay pigeon, toss them into the air, then shoot them with a 22 rifle. Sheldon says he’s impressed that her group is expanding their horizons, and going out on a boat without being afraid they’ll fall off the edge. Mary says that for example, Sheldon would write “smart mouth” on his pigeon. Then she pretends to toss and shoot it, “Bam!” Sheldon says that the Lord giveth, and he bloweth away.

Sheldon then tells her he thought they’d start their weekend with some fried chicken. Mary says that sounds great, and Sheldon says good, he bought everything she needs to make it. Then Sheldon tells Leonard that he’s in for a real treat - her fried chicken is the reason they had to buy his father an extra-large coffin. Leonard says that she just got off the airplane, she doesn’t want to cook. Sheldon says that cooking for him is her way of showing that she loves him, and cooking when she’s too tired to cook is how she shows that she really loves him.

Mary says that going out to eat actually sounds good. Sheldon asks, wouldn’t that spoil your appetite for the chicken your going to make? Leonard says that’s it, they’re going out, and asks Mary if she likes sushi, because there’s a great place right down the street. She says she’s never had it, but there’s never any harm in trying something new. Sheldon says if course there is, that’s why new drugs and cosmetics are tested on bunny rabbits. Leonard tells Sheldon that he’s talking crazy. Mary says no, she had him tested as a child, and the doctor said he was fine. Sheldon says to Leonard, told you. Then Mary continues that she does regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

Between takes Johnny and Laurie seemed to be talking and laughing quite a bit. (I was sitting way over in front of Penny’s apartment, so I couldn’t see too well.) And I think some of this happened as they were going through the first scene, but throughout the night, Jim had quite a few flubs with his lines. Nothing that resulted in a noteworthy bloopers, he just seemed frustrated with himself.

SCENE 2

As they enter the restaurant, the workers all shout some greeting, but Sheldon loudly tells them to stop yelling. Sheldon tells Leonard that he’s not happy. Leonard’s first response was to tell him that he hides it well. On another take, instead Leonard asks when was the last time Sheldon was happy, and Sheldon says when he was anticipating friend chicken. And in-between those takes, they cut out the exchange entirely.

Mary says that she’s excited, and the diner on route 4 serves sushi, but really it’s just cut up fish sticks. She says that their menu has those kung fu letters, but that doesn’t make it sushi. Leonard tells her that he doesn’t think that’s politically correct. Mary says oh, she thought it was ching chong that you couldn’t say. Leonard says no, you shouldn’t say that either.

Mary asks Sheldon how things are going with Amy, and Sheldon says that there’s actually big news. She’s doing research on addiction with small animals, and she’s this close to getting a starfish hooked on cocaine. Mary says that that is so not what she was asking about, then asks Leonard if he knows what’s going on between Sheldon and Amy. Leonard says it’s like the Loch Ness monster - something might be there, maybe not, but we’ll probably never know… but it is fun to freak yourself out by thinking about it.

Then Mary asks Leonard about how he’s doing, and says she heard he’s in a long distance relationship. Leonard says yeah, with Raj’s sister, but it’s hard because she’s in India, and her parents don’t like that she’s dating a white guy. Mary says now that’s a funny turn, you normally don’t think about it going the other way. But she tells him he can’t force things, and needs to figure out if he’s really in a relationship, or just calling it one. It’s like the old saying, a cat can have kittens in an oven, but that doesn’t make them biscuits.

Sheldon says, you know what goes good with biscuits? Fried chicken. Then his line was changed to saying that reminds him of another old saying, you can put a chicken in Crisco, but you can’t make your mother cook it. Mary tells him that if he pesters her one more time about chicken, she’ll put him over her knee, right then and there in the restaurant. Leonard says to Sheldon, oh please pester her, just once, please for me.

SCENE 3

Walking up the stairs at the apartment. Leonard asks Mary how she liked the sushi. She says it was good, but would have been better if it was cooked… and beef. (They had to do this a few extra times to figure out the timing with the audience laughing. I heard I think the director saying to Laurie that it was okay, and this was what they wanted - I’m assuming referring to the strong audience reaction.) Mary asks Sheldon when his landlord’s going to fix the elevator.

Next floor. (And they had Mary ask about the elevator again before they came around the corner, so they had to back up to make sure the camera didn’t see them yet, and Johnny kept having to pull back his hand so it wasn’t in the shot too early. And on one take Johnny started to walk too soon, when Mary was still talking,.) Sheldon says they don’t know, but they’ve been thinking of converting the elevator shaft into a missile silo. Leonard explains that Sheldon things they should launch a preemptive strike on Burbank. Sheldon says they need to get them before they get us.

Next floor, Raj is sitting on the floor in front of the guys’ door, drinking a beer, more bottles next to him. Leonard asks what he’s doing there. Raj says he couldn’t find them, so he bought 6 new friends…and sadly, three of them are dead. Sheldon steps forward, and says to his mother, you remember Rajesh, and introduces them; Raj stands and says it’s good to see her again.

Sheldon opens the door to the apartment and goes in, Raj follows. Mary pauses and says to Leonard, I thought it was our Indians who had the occasional problem with alcohol. Leonard says, “we don’t say that either,” then offers to make her a list. Mary says that’d be mighty white of him.

Mary sits next to Raj on the couch, and asks what problem he’s trying to cover with the alcohol. Raj says nothing, he’s fine. Mary asks, really? Raj says no and starts to cry. Mary asks what’s wrong, and Raj says that he’s just so lonely. On the first take Sheldon said, that’s it, mystery solved, then said that it was time for Mary to make her pecan pie, which is so good he’ll forget how she messed up with the chicken. Then they changed it so Sheldon said that’s the human condition, born alone, die alone, before continuing to say the same about the pie.

Mary says to Sheldon that Raj is hurting, and asks what they do in that situation. Sheldon says offer a hot beverage. Mary asks what beverage they offer when that friend is drunk. Sheldon says coffee. Mary asks what they serve it with. Sheldon waits, forces a smile, then walks over to the kitchen (where Leonard is).

Mary tells Raj that he’ll find someone, and there’s a key for every lock. She says that there was this girl back home who worked at Walmart, a tall, tall girl, she could hunt geese with a rake. And then one day the Globetrotters came to town, and now she travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player, with two adorable mixed race babies.

In the kitchen, on the first take Sheldon said something about how Raj was messing up his day, and every day was bad for Raj. Then it was changed to Sheldon just saying, “I’m not getting my pecan pie, am I?” Leonard offers Sheldon an Oreo. Sheldon asks if it’s double stuffed. Leonard says no. Sheldon says sure, kick a man when he’s down.

Back in the hallway, at some point between takes or when they were getting ready, Kunal and Johnny noticed, and were pretty amused, when the guy who plays music turned down the volume for a second to muffle a swear word in the song. Then Kunal tried to dance with Johnny, but Johnny backed up and held his arms out, like, what are you doing? (Though he was smiling and still amused, haha.)

SCENE 4

Sheldon and Mary are at a washing machine down in the laundry room. Sheldon says that it’s nice they’re finally doing something together, just the two of them. Mary says sure, you always miss doing laundry when you’re on vacation. Sheldon tells her not to put in too much Downey, and she knows that he gets tired when his clothes are too soft. She says this takes her back, her doing his laundry, him standing next to her criticizing. Sheldon says yes, it’s nice, isn’t it?

Penny comes in, and is surprised to see Mary, and as they hug Penny asks Sheldon why didn’t he tell her his mother was visiting. Sheldon says that it was in his weekly email blast, between “this day in train history,” and “unsightly mole turns out to be Sharpie mark.” Then it was changed, so he said it was between, “yay, it’s beet season,” and “red stool from beets causes cancer scare.”

Mary says to Penny that she knows Leonard’s in a new relationship, and asks how Penny’s taking it. Penny says she’s fine, it’s been a long time, and she’s getting back out there. Mary lifts a small top from Penny’s laundry basket, and asks if she’s wearing that as she gets back out there. Penny tells her that it looks good on her, and has paid for itself like ten times over in drinks. Sheldon says that Penny has wealth in promiscuity futures. Mary says to Penny, do you think you might be having trouble finding a guy to settle down with because you’re letting them ride the roller coaster without buying a ticket? Penny says they don’t all get to ride the roller coaster, sometimes they just spin the tea cups.

Then Penny says that she’s going out later, and asks if it’d be totally crazy if Mary takes a look at the outfit she’s planning on wearing. Mary says that’s not crazy at all. And she tells Penny not to feel bad, cause when she was Penny’s age, you could have her for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine. Sheldon watches them leave, then says that that’s not going in his email blast.

SCENE 5

(They almost started this scene with Leonard without his glasses - then someone noticed, and ran up to give them to Johnny.) The four guys, Penny, and Mary are eating at the guys’ apartment. Howard tells Mary that he’ll be going up to the space station in the spring. Mary’s impressed, a trip to the heavens, and tells him that if he’d like to live there permanently, she has a book he can read. Howard says it’s okay, he watches the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year, he gets the gist. Mary says his mother must be proud. Howard says no, she’s actually threatening to stop eating if he doesn’t change his mind, but it’ll be a while before that starts to take effect, so…

Sheldon says to Mary that he has something exciting planned for them for tomorrow - some guy us giving a lecture on his Nobel Prize winning cosmology research, and when they open it up to the audience Q and As, Sheldon has prepared some Qs to stump his sorry A. Mary says she was planning on doing some sightseeing. Sheldon asks what’s a better sight that seeing your son humiliate a Nobel Prize winner?

Leonard says sightseeing would be fun, they could go see the Hollywood sign, and the walk of fame (Johnny said “wall of fame” on one take). Penny adds they could go to Rodeo Drive. Mary says she can’t afford to buy a 12 thousand dollar purse, but it’s free to watch those who do with righteous condemnation. Howard asks Sheldon what he thinks. Sheldon says that they need to stop ruining his mom’s visit with their sushi and sadness and skimpy tops, and he gets up to leave. Raj whipers in Howard’s ear, and Howard tells him Sheldon wasn’t talking about Raj’s shirt, it’s fine.

Kaley was really happy with the music that was playing between takes here. First she was trying to dance against Johnny, but he just stood there and smiled, as the crowd cheered. Then Kaley was dancing next to Kunal, and I think he danced some with her. Later Kaley was trying to dance with Johnny again, and she grabbed his arm to keep him close when he tried to walk away.

SCENE 6

Next morning. Leonard’s sitting in the kitchen area, and tells Mary that her pancakes are great. She says that the secret is bacon grease, and she cooks everything in it. Leonard asks isn’t she worried about her health? Mary says the doctors are always changing their minds, one week bacon grease is bad for you, the next you’re not getting enough of it.

Sheldon walks in and says he’d like to apologize for his behavior yesterday. Mary says apology accepted. Sheldon says good, and then tells her he thinks she’ll really enjoy the lecture - he will talk about the Earth being more than 6,000 years old, but Sheldon thought Mary could put her fingers in her ears and him Amazing Grave during those parts. Mary tells him that she’s still planning on going out with his friends. Sheldon says but he apologized, and that was hard for him because he didn’t do anything wrong. Mary says that she sat in enough dusty lecture halls with him as a child, and she’s going sightseeing, and Sheldon can eat his pancakes, get dressed, and go with them.

Sheldon says no, and she can’t make him. Mary says she knows, and tells him to have a good day. Sheldon says that he’s standing there, and not moving until she changes her mind. Mary says that he’ll be standing there a long time. Leonard looks between them, and says he’s going to take his bacon grease and slide over here, and he goes to sit in the armchair. Sheldon and Mary continue to go back and forth - Sheldon says he can’t believe she’s abandoning him. Mary says that abandoning him would be leaving him in a basket outside a church, and she’s just going to meet a wax Roosevelt and thank him or his service to the country. At some point Leonard returns to sneak the syrup away. Sheldon ends up stating that they’ve reached a cross road in their relationship, and takes his pancakes back to his room, stealing the syrup from Leonard on the way.

SCENE 7

Sheldon and Amy enter her apartment. Sheldon says that lecture was a waste of time, and he drew better representations of the early expansions of the universe against the nursery wall with the contents of his diaper. Amy says that’s a lovely image. Sheldon says he didn’t intend it to be, but thanks her. Sheldon sneezes, and Amy asks if he’s getting sick. He says no, he’s allergic to people who in Nobel Prizes without deserving them.

Amy asks Sheldon if it’s possible that his foul mood, or to use the scientific term, bitchiness, it because his mom’s not giving him her full attention. Sheldon says no, or to use the scientific term, nuh-uh. Amy says that the infant-mother paradigm is one of the building blocks with primates… Sheldon says that it always comes back to monkeys with her, monkeys, monkeys, monkeys. Amy says that though Sheldon is extraordinary in many ways, emotionally he is just like everyone else.

Sheldon asks if she’s suggesting that his emotions are the same as a stupid person. Amy said that some research suggests that by not over-thinking it, the less intelligent are better with their emotions. Except that Mayim had the hardest time with “research suggests,” she kept tripping up over the line. On one take, Jim said, “and she’s a doctor!” She tried at least three or four times and couldn’t get it. So finally the line was changed to “some research indicates.”

Sheldon sneezes again. Amy asks if he’s sure he isn’t coming down with a cold. Sheldon says sure, the common cold, you’d love that, wouldn’t you.

SCENE 8

Mary, Leonard, Penny, Raj, and Howard enter a church. Mary looks around and says that it’s nice, for the rosary rattlers. On the first take, Leonard says that he hasn’t heard that one before, but he’s pretty sure they don’t say that either. Then it was changed to Leonard telling her, we say Catholics. Mary says it’s a wonder they can say anything in California. Penny says to Leonard that this is the worst Hollywood tour ever. Leonard says what can they do, she wanted to see churches. Penny looks around, and asks, they have wine here, right?

In the corner, Raj is looking at a figure of Jesus hanging on the cross, and says to Howard, none of his gods have abs like that. Howard says yeah, he was the last Jew to do sit ups… and look where it got him. (Second half of Howard’s line added on a later take.)

Mary says that while they’re there, they should pray, put a little church in the church. Leonard starts to say he not sure that’s a good idea, but Mary says it’s easy, it’s just talking to the big guy upstairs, and says she’ll start. So she sits on a pew (the others sit in a row on a pew on the other side of the aisle), and starts to pray, identifying herself as Mary Cooper, in Gomorrah, California. She thanks him for the gift that is Shelly, and the continued strength to not slap him upside his egg head. Later changed to the strength to not cold conk him with her Bible.

She stands and walks over to behind the others, saying it’s Penny’s turn. Penny says hi God, wazzup? She says there’s a girl who looks just like her at auditions who keeps getting all the parts, and asks if at the next one maybe the girl can get a flat tire, or get fat. On the second take, Penny asked if the girl could get a pimple, or a flesh eating disease, his choice. On the third take, Penny just asked if she could be rich and famous… so she could help the poor. On the fourth take, instead Penny said that she was good, but it’d really help out her family if her brother would stop cooking meth… preferably without an explosion. And finally on the fifth take, Penny again asked that her brother would stop cooking meth, but then said, “keep it clean, no cops.”

Mary adds to God that Penny a problem with a little too much of love thy neighbor, and he should give her the same talk he gave Mary Magdalene. Then she tells Leonard that he’s up, and Howard’s on deck - except she calls Howard something like Wostowitz. On the first take, Leonard started really unsure, “Um, world peace, the environment…” Then it was changed to Leonard saying, well it’s probably too late for you to make me taller… And both of those were followed up by Leonard saying oh, his girlfriend is in India, so it’d be great if he could have some help with that relationship. Mary says to God, you hear that? Girl problems. We were both wrong on that one.

She tells Howard he’s up, but he says no thanks, he’s just trying to not burst into flames. (On the third take, after this line, Leonard scooted away from Howard on the bench, towards Penny. I really hope they use that take, cause it cracked me up.) And on one take, Simon ended up sort of just stuttering as he was trying to say his line, and then joked that he was speaking in tongues.

Now Raj is up. He whispers in Howard’s ear, who says that Raj is having trouble losing those last 5 pounds. Mary says she thought Raj would ask for help about talking to women. Raj tries to whisper to Howard again, but Howard says nope, it’s too late, you only get one wish.

SCENE 9 (pre-taped)

Sheldon’s sitting on a bench on the street. A man comes up and sits next to him. Sheldon says something like look at us, a great scientific mind, one of only a few in each generation, and you, coming from your menial job as a stock broker, or vacuum salesman. And apparently, they’re just the same, two peas in a pod - the regular pea, and the ones that comes just a few in a generation.

The man scoots over to sit further from Sheldon. It starts to rain, and Sheldon says how the rain is another great equalizer, falling on the heads of both the great and the menial. The man pulls out an umbrella and opens it, looking smugly at Sheldon. Sheldon calls him a smart ass.

SCENE 10

The others and Mary are back at the apartment, setting out food. Kaley tells Mary that it looks amazing. Mary tells her that the key to a man’s heard is melted cheese and cream of something soup - he’ll die at 50, but his love will be true.

Sheldon enters, soaking wet, and asks if he can have another tissue, his is wet. Leonard stands quickly and offers him one. Sheldon says that he’s learned something today, he and Leonard, in many ways other than intelligence and the other ones that matter, are the same. He sneezes, and Mary asks if he’s sick. Sheldon says he hopes so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living.

Mary feels his forehead and says he’s burning up, and tells him to get in bed, she’ll take care of him. He asks to clarify, you’ll just take care of me, not all those other people? She says yes. He starts to walk towards his room, asking if he can have tea with honey, and toast without the crust. She says of course. As he reaches the hallway, Sheldon turns quickly to stick his tongue out at the others before following Mary to his room.

SCENE 11 (pre-taped)

Mary and Sheldon in his room, she’s putting VapoRub on his chest. She comments that he didn’t have chest hair the last time she did this, and Sheldon tells her that it just filled out in the last year. Sheldon says that they haven’t spent much time together on her trip, and she asks whose fault is that? Sheldon says it’s hers. Mary tells him he’s not 8 anymore, they can’t keep having that same relationship.

I think Sheldon asked something like why not, and Mary tells him that he’s a grown man. Sheldon says that maybe he’s part of a new species that will live or hundreds of years, and in that case he’s just a toddler. Also somewhere in here Mary comments that she really should have taken him to see the specialist in Houston. He asks if she’ll still sing Soft Kitty to him, and she says she’ll always sing Soft Kitty. So she sings the first verse, but then Leonard opens the door and interrupts asking if they should take the pie out of the oven.

Sheldon tells Leonard to leave; he does. Mary tells Sheldon that was rude, and Sheldon says yes, Leonard was rude. She continues singing from where she left off, but Sheldon asks what she’s doing, and tells her to start from the beginning. Mary looks up, and says to God, that’s what I’m talking about! But she starts over anyway and it ends with her singing.
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