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The Infestation Hypothesis

SCENE 1

Leonard, dressed nicely, is pouring wine into a glass on the living room table, where he’s also got his laptop set up, a couple of candles, a dinner plate, etc. Sheldon walks in and asks what he’s doing. Leonard says Priya is calling in a few minutes, and they’re gonna have a dinner date.

Sheldon say that it’s 8 in the morning in Mumbai. Then Sheldon’s response was changed to making a buzzer sound, and telling Leonard he was wrong because it was 8 in the morning in Mumbai. Sheldon says he knows that the same way he knows that it’s… and he give the time in a couple other cities, then says it’s whatever time you want it to be on the North Pole. So Santa can have a dinner date with Priya, but Leonard can’t.

Leonard says fine, she’s having breakfast. Sheldon says then it’s not a dinner date. They could call it a dinnfast date, but that would be opening themselves up to ridicule, like, “Hey, Leonard, how was your dinnfast date last night with Priya?” Leonard says that doesn’t sound like ridicule. Sheldon says he didn’t let him finish, then repeats “dinnfast” with a roll of the eyes.

Sheldon asks Leonard (who’s lighting the candles now) if the candles are soy. Leonard says he doesn’t know, and asks why. Sheldon says that paraffin candles release carcinogens, unless Leonard wants lung cancer to be part of the atmosphere. Leonard blows out the candles. (On one take Johnny blew out the candles too early on accident, right before Sheldon asks if the candles are soy.)

Leonard says he doesn’t want to be rude, but Priya will be calling any minute. Sheldon says oh yes, Priya, then sits on the couch as he says something like usually he doesn’t get involved with Leonard’s personal life. Leonard says, sarcastically, of course, that’s something I’ve always admired about you. Sheldon says “as you should,” but he’s going to make an exception right now. Leonard says “good.” (There was a point where someone flubbed a line, and then as they started over Johnny was confused on where they were going from, and was asking “w-w-w-w-where?”)

Sheldon says that now that Priya has gone back to India to focus on her law career, instead of working to make this intercontinental relationship work, maybe Leonard should focus on a hobby. Leonard asks, a hobby? Sheldon says yes, he’s heard of a fella in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine, and he bets Leonard can give him a run for his money.

Leonard says that some people would be supportive that they’re trying to make this work, and would say that their love is stronger than the miles between them. (On one take Johnny kinda forgot the line, and said something like, “They’d say that the love - what do they say?”) Sheldon says that when he rises to power, those people will be sterilized. Leonard says that Sheldon and Amy talk on skype all the time, and asks what makes this so different. Sheldon asks, well you like Amy, right? Leonard says yes. Sheldon says there’s the difference.

The computer beeps that Priya’s calling, and Leonard answers it. She says hi Leonard, he says hi honey, she says she misses him, and he says he misses her too. On the first take, Aarti stumbled over her second line, and Johnny asked, “What was that, honey?” But Sheldon stands to leave, and says that he misses the days when Leonard’s romantic partners could be returned to the video store.

SCENE 2

Sheldon has gone over to Penny’s, and is sitting in a new red chair, reading some science journal. Penny’s on the couch, reading a magazine. Sheldon thanks her for letting him come over while Leonard’s on his date with Priya. Penny says it’s fine, and that they’re kind of like an old married couple, reading together. Sheldon says if they were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snicker doodles. Penny says she doesn’t have iced tea and snicker doodles. Sheldon says a good wife would go to the store. Penny says she wants a divorce. Sheldon says fine, and she can stop at the store for iced tea and cookies on her way to see the lawyer. They look at each other and laugh a little.

Sheldon says that he must say, he really likes the new chair. It straightens the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks… It’s a chair well deserving of the name. Penny asks what name. Sheldon says “chair.” Penny says well she can’t believe someone just threw it out. Sheldon’s alarmed, and asks what? Penny says it was on the street, and she paid some homeless guy 20 bucks to help her get it up the stairs.

Sheldon jumps up out of the chair, takes off his outer t-shirt, kick off his shoes, untucks his under shirt.. Penny tries telling him to calm down, but Sheldon says that he’s been sitting on garbage, and he needs to take a shower, so he runs back to Penny’s bathroom. Penny watches him go, then turns back to her magazine, and says dryly that she had so much hope going into the marriage. On the first take Kaley had forgotten the line, and had to ask what it was, and they just went back and did the whole thing from the beginning. After Penny’s line, Sheldon runs from her bedroom out into the hallway, now without his pants, alarmed that there was a wet bandaid in her shower.

SCENE 3

Howard’s lab at Caltech, with Raj and Leonard there too. Ray says he’s never used a… hydraulic thermo pressure something-or-another, whatever it was called, and Howard says yeah, it set the university back 175 grand. Leonard, holding a stopwatch, says it’s been 3 minutes, so lets see what they’ve got. Howard lowers a platform, with a bunch of steam coming out, and there’s a sandwich in the middle of it. Raj remove it with tongs, saying look at that Panini, and Howard asks Leonard to pass him the tuna melt.

So Howard sends up the next sandwich (the machine sprouts more steam), and asks Leonard how the long-distance thing is going with Priya. Leonard says it’s hard, but they’re making it work. Howard asks if by making it work, they’re having cyber sex. On one take, they started from one of Howard’s lines once the platform was already up, and as he started talking more steam came out. Simon took a couple quick steps back, surprised, and the audience laughed, and then Simon was like, “Oh, it was supposed to do that!” And on another take the platform didn’t go up properly (one side was stuck), and Johnny sort of grabbed Simon’s arm to pull him away from the machine. Then as the crew was fixing it, and testing it to make sure it worked, Kunal came over to say hi to that corner of audience.

Anyway, in response to Howard, Leonard just asks, cyber sex? And Howard says yeah, the cyber tickle pickle, and he had some other example I can’t remember. Raj reminds them this is his sister they’re talking about. Howard says that Leonard shaking his junk through the camera to Priya has got to be better than him actually touching her with it. Leonard says that there’s no shaking of junk. Howard is surprised, and says that high speed internet is the greatest invention in the field of sex since the washcloth. Leonard says he doesn’t think he could do that. Howard says if he doesn’t, Priya will end up with some guy in a turban who grew up with kama sutra coloring books. Raj asks why Howard always has to be to racist. First, Howard’s response was “Tell me that I’m wrong.” Then it was changed to him asking Raj why he always made Howard figure out the tip at restaurants. Raj tells him that he’s good with money.

Sheldon walks in, and says oh good, Leonard, there you are, and asks him to check his head for chair lice. Leonard says he checked last night, he’s not going to do it again now. Howard asks Leonard, just his head, right? Leonard sort of winces/twitches and says he doesn’t want to talk about it. Leonard tells Sheldon that he didn’t get bugs from Penny’s chair, but Sheldon insists that he did, and now they’re dancing around his hair follicles like hippies at the red woods.

Leonard says Sheldon always does this, he gets fixated on some crazy idea and then blows it out of proportion. Sheldon asks Leonard to name one time he’s done that. Leonard says the time that Sheldon put GPS tracking devices in his garbage because he thought North Koreans were stealing his work/doodles. The time that Sheldon thought the chicken nugget were made of human meat. The time he thought the funny shaped cloud was following him. The time Sheldon accidentally put on one of Leonard’s shirts, and thought he was growing again. Sheldon says that he just told Leonard to name one, and Leonard needs to work on his listening skills, and he leaves.

SCENE 4

(This beginning part was pre-taped…) Sheldon knocks on Penny’s door, and when she answers he tells her that she needs to get rid of the chair, and it’s a hazard. Penny says she had the slip covers removed and dry cleaned, and the cushions fumigated - it’s cleaner than her couch, which she found half a hot pocket in.

Sheldon comes in and looks at the chair, and says it does smell strongly of chemicals, which is a good sign. So he sits in it, and says that it is a nice chair. Then a large bug appears on his arm, which he flicks off. Then there are hundreds of bugs coming up out of the chair, crawling all over him in a swarm.

Cut to Sheldon and Leonard in their apartment (now being taped live), watching TV, and Sheldon jerks awake from his spot on the couch with a loud gasp, and runs out of the apartment. This had startled Leonard, who’s got his hand over his chests, and watches Sheldon go, then says “it’s like living with a Chihuahua.”

Sheldon goes over to Penny’s, and knocks on the door. Penny answers with “What’s up, buttercup?” Sheldon tells her that she needs to get rid of the chair. She says nope, and slams the door shut. He knocks again, and she answers with “What’s the word, hummingbird?” Sheldon tells her to go wait in safety in his apartment, while he calls the authorities to remove the chair. She says no… and on the first takes, tried to shut the door, but Sheldon stopped her and continued with his next line. Then it was changed so she did shut it again, and answered with “What’s the gist, physicist?” before Sheldon continued.

Sheldon calls her citizen, and says as a self-appointed member of the center for disease control (later, “center for disease control street team”), he declares this area condemned. Penny tries to shut the door again, but Sheldon stops her and says, as a man, with a strong fashion sense, that chair doesn’t go with the rest of her apartment. Penny finally does get the door shut on him, but he knocks again, much louder, but only gets two knocks in before Penny opens the door, holding the cushion from the chair, and Sheldon goes running. She closes the door, and he hurries up, hunched over, to knock quietly the last time before running away again.

SCENE 5

Leonard’s in bed, video chatting with Priya. Leonard says, here we are, in bed together again… Priya says yeah. Leonard says well, he’ll just jump right in it. And he tells her, awkwardly, that she’s a bad, bad girl, and he’s going to punish her with his love. Priya says that doesn’t work, and try again. Leonard stammers, and says she’s not bad, she’s a… a dirty girl? (He poses it like a question.) This works for Priya, and she says she is a dirty girl, so Leonard’s encouraged by that, and goes on that she’s dirty, filthy, repulsive… Which of course Priya doesn’t like.

She tells him to just do what she says, and he says okay, like usual. She tells him to take off his shirt, which he does, and then he says “man nipples” when it’s off. Then she tells him to take off his shorts, and he does (he’s still half under the blanket), and he says he’s all naked now. So she say she’ll take off her top now, which he likes, but his computer screen freezes as she’s in the process before he really sees anything. Leonard’s frustrated, says something like “oh no,” and Priya’s all, “Leonard, really, already?”

Leonard says no, his picture froze, and it’s probably just buffering, so to give it a few seconds. So they wait, and Leonard asks how her parents are, and she says she really doesn’t want to talk about them right now. Sheldon calls through the wall to Leonard that if his video froze, to try resetting the something. Leonard says that’s good, he didn’t think of that. Then Sheldon says to let him know when they’ve finished hogging the bandwidth, because he’s trying to steam a movie on Netflix.

SCENE 6

Amy’s playing her harp in her apartment - The Girl from Ipanema - and singing along. Sheldon’s knocking at the door interrupts her. She answers it, and say something about how his knocking pattern borders on obsessive compulsive disorder. Sheldon says “does not, does not, does not.” Amy says “denial, denial, denial.” She asks if he’d like to hear her play a bossa nova classic, but Sheldon says no. She asks what about the theme song to Diff’rent Strokes, and starts to sing/play, before Sheldon stops and says no again. She says well those are the only two songs she knows, and asks why he came over.

He say he was hoping Penny would listen to her regarding the dangers of unhygienic furniture. Amy asks if this is general education, or has Penny brought home a stool dipped in cholera. Sheldon says that cholera is water based, and asks if Amy’s messing with him. She says she is, and tells him to continue. He says that Penny’s brought in a chair whose unknown origins are putting all the residents of their apartment in danger.

Amy say that just because Sheldon has a fixation with cleanliness doesn’t mean she has to help. Sheldon asks what she wants. She says, “Kiss me where I haven’t been kissed.” Sheldon asks, do you mean Salt Lake City? Amy says never mind, she’ll talk to Penny. She then goes back to her harp, and asks if Sheldon would like to hear a song now. He says no, he doesn’t like the harp, it’s overuse in classic sitcoms always make him feel like he’s going to relive an episode from his past. Amy strums the harp, and Sheldon says something like, “Mommy, don’t be mad,” (I think… It was something to his mom, as a child), then turns back to Amy and tells her not to do that.

SCENE 7

Leonard, Howard, and Raj in Howard’s lab again. Leonard’s looking at a weird looking device, which has lips and a tongue on a metal ball, and the ball is on top of a pole sticking out of a box. There are two of them. Howard tells him that Leonard would have one, Priya has the other, and when you kiss one, it transmit’s the movements of your mouth to the other one. Howard then demonstrates, kissing one of them, and the tongue on the other one moves in and out. Leonard just stares at him, and on the first take Johnny cracked a smile for a second in the middle of all the audience laughter, but they jut kept going.

Howard tells Leonard to try, but he says no. Raj says he’ll try it, so he picks up the other one and starts kissing it. Howard tells him to really stick his tongue in there to activate the sensors, and Raj does, and asks how’s that, and Howard says good… And basically they both get really into kissing these devices, while Leonard looks back and forth between them. Then Howard says that Raj bit his tongue, and Raj says he was just being playful (?), and Howard asks why he always has to make thing weird. But then they go back to kissing the things again, and Leonard just drops his head eventually, looking at the floor.

Between takes (while the screens are off so we couldn’t see what was going on), it sounded like something maybe got knocked over, or messed up somehow at least… And Simon apologized, but Johnny said it was “kinda my bad,” so then Simon said he was blaming Johnny, haha.

SCENE 8

Amy’s at Penny’s, looking at the chair. Penny says it’s great, right? And she bets that it would cost like 200 bucks at the store. Amy says she’s always up for a bargain, and says that her entire outfit used to belong to her dead grandmother. Penny asks, really? Amy says everything except for the bra and panties - those are a leopard striped secret with Victoria. Penny says, and now me.

Amy says she just has one question about the chair, is it hygienic? Penny starts to say it’s perfectly fine, but then narrows her eyes, and asks, Sheldon put you up to this, didn’t he? Amy denies it. Penny asks, really? And Amy says yes, he did, he definitely did. Penny says that’s a really crappy thing of Amy to do, to let Sheldon use her to try to manipulate Penny. Amy asks, really? Penny says maybe Amy should just leave, but Amy quickly apologizes, and then sits in the chair to show she’s okay with it, and says please don’t cut me out of your life… And then Amy exclaims ouch, and Penny asks what is it, and Amy says something just bit her behind, but it’s really no problem.

Penny tells her to get up, so she does (and then starting here they played back what they taped yesterday), and there’s something large moving underneath the cushion. Amy and Penny both run screaming down the flights of stairs. Penny tells Amy as they’re running not to tell Sheldon about this, and Amy agrees. Amy asks if she can tell her doctor, because she’ll probably need shots, and I think Penny said, “yes, shots!”

SCENE 9

All pretaped here… Leonard’s in his room again, video chatting with Priya. He says he thinks he’s got this figured out now, and Priya tries to stop him, but he reads off of this card, telling her what he’s going to do… Priya says “Leonard,” trying to get his attention to stop him, but he’s just all, “Yeah, that’s right say my name,” and then Priya is finally able to tell him that her parents are there. So they lean into the picture, and Dr Koothrappali says something like, “Hello Leonard. Is it okay if I say your name too?”

SCENE 10

Also pretaped… Raj and Howard are walking outside of Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment building, and see the red chair on the curb. They wonder why anyone would just throw out the chair, and Raj says that if that was up in Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment, he wouldn’t have to sit on the floor the whole time. So they pick up the chair and start to take it in, and we see the lump of something moving under the fabric in the back of the chair.