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Old 01-12-2011, 01:23 AM
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First, this was not the episode with Jessica Walter. So for the non-spoiled who said they were going to possibly read the taping report for her episode, that's not this one.

Second, just repeating this, please don't copy and paste this to other sites. If you want to share, link back to the forum. Thanks.

Okay, so the episode is called "The Thespian Catalyst." I haven't read back through this, so my apologies for any typos.

Scene 1 - University classroom

Sheldon is a guest lecture for a class at the university. He introduces himself to the class, then pauses, but they just stare at him. He says that he was expecting applause, but he supposes that stunned silence is good too.

He says he was told that they’re the best and brightest of the school’s doctorial candidates, but that’s like saying you’re the best electron in a hydrogen atom. They just stare again, and he explains because a hydrogen atom only has one electron… And when they’re still not amused, he says something like, “best and brightest, my patootie.”

Sheldon asks them who’s familiar with some concept, and they all raise their hands, and he tells them not to kid themselves. Then he turns to the whiteboard, and starts to explain and write on it.

Scene 2 - Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment

Leonard, Howard, and Raj are all sitting, Leonard and Howard on their phones, Raj on a laptop. Leonard says he found another tweet from one of Sheldon’s students and reads it - Dr. Cooper takes an already dull subject and makes it completely unbearable. He also looks like a giant insect.

On the first take Johnny flubbed the line, said, “That’s not the line at all,” and then added, “She tweeted it wrong.”

Howard found another tweet too - Does Einstein have an explanation for why having fun makes time fly, but Dr. Cooper lecturing makes time drop dead? Raj says he found a picture on Flickr, and the guys crowd around to look at it on the computer. One of them asks, how do you get a whole lecture class to give you the middle finger at the same time? And someone says, if you’re Sheldon, just turn your back to them.

Penny walks in holding her phone and asks Leonard if their wi-fi is down. Leonard says no, Sheldon changed the password, “It’s ‘Penny is a freeloader,’ no spaces.” Penny says thanks, and asks what they’re doing. Leonard tells her that Sheldon was a guest lecturer, and they’re reading the reviews. Penny asks how they are. Howard tells her it’s like the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Tron 2.

Penny sits on the couch and asks, that bad? Leonard says he’ll show her, and walks over and holds out his phone so she can read - Listening to Dr. Cooper lecture makes me want to start cutting myself again.

Sheldon walks in, happy, and Leonard asks him how the lecture went. Sheldon says it was great, the students were thirsty for knowledge, and drinking it up - he thinks he may have changed a few lives. Penny turns to Leonard and asks, “Please, can I tell him?” Leonard says he doesn’t know, he already promised Howard. Howard says that they can all share in the moment, and turns to Raj.

So Raj pulls up the tweets on his computer, and Sheldon comes over the look. Sheldon says, oh, tweets about my lecture!, pleased, but then starts to read them. He comments, that’s not very nice… And then, “That’s just hurtful! And insects have six legs.” Then he asks what KMN stands for, and Leonard says based on the context, they think it stands for “kill me now.”

Sheldon stands and says that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and says he’s going to bed. He takes a few steps down the hall, then turns and says, “I didn’t want to teach those penis/poopy heads anyway!” (different line on each take) before continuing to his room.

Howard says that he thinks that’s what Darth Vader said right before he built the Death Star.

Scene 3 - Cheesecake Factory

Leonard, Howard, and Raj are all at a table. Howard asks Leonard if Sheldon’s still upset, and Leonard says he is; for someone who didn’t want to lecture in the first place, he says Sheldon was really hurt by the student’s reactions.

Raj says he knows the feeling - it’s like when you accidentally go to a gay bar, but then no one hits on you. Howard and Leonard just stare at him, and Raj says that it happened to a friend of his.

Bernadette comes in and asks them how everything is. Howard says that he and Leonard are fine, but Raj needs to get a girl, fast. Bernadette says that shouldn’t be hard, he’s a cutie. Raj (who’s been drinking a beer) tells her that cute is for bunny rabbits, he wants to be sexy, like a labradoodle. Howard and Leonard just stare at him again.

Bernadette tells Raj not to listen to them, he has a lot of sex appeal, and then walks away. Raj smiles and says, “Thanks Bernadette!” then turns back to the guys and tells them that, by the way, labradoodles are hypoallergenic, which is a quality that some people find very sexy.

They taped Raj saying “Thanks Bernadette,” quite a few times, and on one of the takes Kunal started laughing right after the line, saying something about how bad that acting was. Then when he turned back to the guys to finish the scene, he kept messing up for various reasons. On one take he looked at Simon, then started laughing. The screens turned off, so we couldn’t see them, but we could still hear them talking; Kunal asked Simon what he was doing, and Simon said he was trying some sort of mind control thing. And Johnny laughed and told Kunal that after 4 years, he should know not to look at Simon.

Scene 4 - Guy’s apartment (pre-taped)

Sheldon’s talking to Amy via video chat on his laptop. Amy has changed the background on her video so it looks like she’s underwater in the ocean, and asks Sheldon if that helps cheer him up. It doesn’t. She asks, what about when I do this? And moves her arms like she’s swimming, but it still doesn’t help.

So she turns the effect off, and starts suggesting that maybe there’s something Sheldon could do to better connect to his students. Sheldon says something about how it shouldn’t be his fault if the students can’t meet him on his level, but Amy says that it’s part of his responsibility as a teacher. And she sort of makes a couple more vague suggestions, before Sheldon tells her that he can tell she’s trying to lead him to some conclusion, but she should just tell him outright. Basically it leads to her suggesting that he take acting lessons, and he agrees that it sounds like a good idea - he could act like he cares about the students.

Scene 5 - Penny’s apartment

Sheldon knocks on Penny’s door, and when she answers, he asks, “You are an ‘actress,’ correct?” making finger quotes on “actress.” She says she’s not an “actress,” using finger quotes, but an actress - first lifting both her arms up slightly, then just lifting one arm up in front of her as she said it. Sheldon said fine, actress, and copied her movement, and asks if she can teach him. (The first time Kaley switched to just lifting the one arm, after Jim copied her, he started laughing.)

She asks, you want me to give you an acting lesson? He says maybe two, he’d like to master the craft. She asks where this is coming from. Sheldon says that it’s to help improve his lectures, because if certain blogs and tweets are to be believed, he “sucks the big one.” Penny says she knows, she printed some of the tweets and put them on her fridge.

Penny says, so just to be clear, you’re coming to be for help because I know something that the great Dr. Cooper doesn’t. Sheldon says that’s one way of looking at it. Penny says she thinks that’s the only way of looking at it. Sheldon asks if she’s going to teach him to not. She says probably, but she’s just enjoying the foreplay.

She asks if he’ll stop being condescending about her acting career now, and he says that he thought the point when one becomes and acting teacher was when their career ends. She gets annoyed, and tries to close the door, but he stops it and tells her he’ll pay her 40 dollars. She says fine, quickly tells him a day and time, and to bring cash, before shutting the door.

Scene 6 - Cafeteria

Raj is eating at a table. Howard and Bernadette come up, and Howard excitedly tells Raj that he got accepted for a fellowship in Israel. Raj tells him that’s great, and Howard says yeah, it is, but he’ll have to leave for 2 years. Raj says he’s going to miss him, and asks Bernadette if he’s going too. She says no, she has to stay for school.

Howard tells Raj that’s actually why they came to talk to him, Bernadette has needs, sexual ones. Bernadette says they’re mostly normal, but some are really weird. Howard tells Raj that he’ll need to fulfill her needs while he’s gone, and asks if that’s okay. Raj smiles and says it is, and Bernadette says she’s going to wreck his world, then kisses him.

Cut to Howard and Raj sitting at the table, same setting, except Bernadette’s gone. Howard asks Raj what he’s thinking so hard about, and Raj says nothing, just that he’s definitely not gay.

Scene 7 - Penny’s apartment

Sheldon’s knocking urgently on Penny’s door, sounding more afraid with each “Penny!” She hurries to the door and asks what’s wrong, and he says nothing, he was acting. And then he reels off a list of acting books that he’s read in preparation for their lesson.

So Penny lets him in, and says that she thought they’d start with some warm ups, and he tells her okay, she’s the “teacher” (complete with finger quotes). Penny tells him that they want to warm up their bodies, so tells him to just move around in space however feels natural. She closes her eyes and starts to move, waving her arms around, leaning back and forth, forward and back, while Sheldon just stands still and watches.

Penny opens her eyes and notices he’s not moving, and tells him to do something, but he says she told him to do what feels natural, and that feels natural - certainly more natural than what she’s doing. She tells him that they need to connect with their bodies, and Sheldon says that he functions best when he keeps a cool distance from his body. Penny gives up and says let’s just say that they’re warmed up, then suggests they try some improv, so Sheldon could better interact with his students. Sheldon says fine, and says it seems like she’s just improving their lesson.

Penny says she’ll start a scene, and Sheldon can just jump in whenever he’s ready. She pretends that she’s talking on the phone to someone, and says that they really need that shipment of shoes, and specifies the sizes, then looks up and sees Sheldon and says she has to go, she has a customer. Sheldon asks if she has any frozen yogurt.

She freezes, confused, then goes with it and says yes, as a matter of fact they do sell both shoes and frozen yogurt, and pretends like she’s getting some for him. Sheldon asks, confused, you do? Penny says yes, can’t you read the sign?, motioning upwards. And says that remember improv is about saying yes.

Sheldon looks up, says yes!, and “reads” that it’s a mental institution. Penny asks, what? Sheldon says that’s the only explanation for why she thinks she’s selling both shoes and frozen yogurt. Penny says fine, they’ll try another scene, and looks around and sees a wine bottle on her cabinet, grabs it, and says they can pretend they’re winos under an overpass. Sheldon asks if they’re using props, and she says something like “you bet we are” before taking a swig and sitting on the couch.

She then goes into character, saying she was going to make it big, make something of herself to impress everyone back home, but look at her now. She holds the bottle out to Sheldon, asking if he wants some, but he says no, he doesn’t drink. Then he asks again if she has any frozen yogurt. I think Penny said no, and then just takes another swig of the wine.

Scene 8 - Guy’s apartment (pre-taped)

Raj and Leonard are watching TV. Leonard says he’s still not used to how the Syfy network is spelling their name - “S-Y-F-Y - it’s sci-fee.”

Leonard gets a phone call, and when he answers it he finds out that Howard’s was in a big accident on his scooter, and was taken to the hospital. Bernadette then comes in, upset, and Leonard gives her a hug telling her it’s going to be okay. Bernadette says that Howard wouldn’t get her see him at the hospital.

Raj then gets a phone call, and it’s Howard on the video chat (all bruised and bandaged), telling him that he’s not going to make it, and he needs Raj to take care of Bernadette for him. Raj says, when you say take care of… And Bernadette tells him, sexually. Raj says that he needs to hear it from Howard, and Howard confirms yes, sexually. Raj says okay, see you later, hangs up the phone, then kisses Bernadette.

Then cut back to Raj and Leonard just sitting watching the TV, and Leonard repeats, since Raj wasn’t really paying him attention, sci-fee.

Scene 9 - Penny’s apartment

It’s another night, and Penny asks Sheldon if he looked over the scene she gave him. He says he did, and he didn’t care for it. Penny tells him that Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic. Sheldon says so is the McRib, but he doesn’t care for that either.

Penny asks him if he has a scene in mind then, and Sheldon says he does, he’s taken the liberty of adapting his Star Wars fanfiction novella he wrote when he was 11 into a one act play, and hands her a copy. Penny reads the title - Where No Sheldon has Gone Before. Sheldon says it’s about Spock coming to take a young boy back into the future with them - in this scene it’s a conversation between the boy’s mother, who Penny will be playing, and Spock, who Sheldon will play.

Penny asks Sheldon shouldn’t he try to get out of his comfort zone, and Sheldon asks why, it’s called the comfort zone. Penny says that she’ll play Spock, and Sheldon can play his mother. Sheldon doesn’t like that plan, but Penny says, “It’s only logical,” and then makes this funny face where she’s trying to be Spock. Sheldon ends up giving in.

Sheldon starts to set the scene, reading the scene descriptions - a train in the distance (he makes a train whistle sound), coyotes howl (“yip yip yip!”), and owl in a tree… Penny interrupts and says that that’s enough, the scene is set, but Sheldon still finishes with the owl sound. Penny says to just read his mother’s line.

So Sheldon asks like his mother, yelling, Shelly, you left your science things on the porch again! Then says to himself, I’ll never understand hat boy… but then again, I am religious and closed minded, and there are many things I don’t understand. Then Spock beams in (Penny had a little sound effect to accompany that), and Sheldon yells, George, put down your Coke can that’s filled with brandy and not fooling anyone, and get your gun, cause a man just appeared out of thin air.

Penny introduces herself as Spock, and lifts her hand in the Vulcan salute. On the first take, it looked like she didn’t separate her fingers at all, and Sheldon just stared at her until they cut, and then Kaley was asking if she did it wrong. So the director and Prady went up to try to show her how to hold her fingers, and she was asking if her palm should be facing out or not, and they told her that her fingers hadn’t been separated. (Bill later tweeted though that Kaley did do it right after all, so I guess she did separate them, but from the angle most people saw it didn’t look like it.)

Then they did it again, but when she did the salute half of her fingers came forward, so it still looked funny. But then they had her hold it towards the camera in a way that it looked better. Anyway, after Sheldon stares at her, he says that he just can’t buy it. Penny tells him to just continue with the scene, so he does, and then Penny introduces herself as Spock, saying that they’ve been observing Sheldon and believe he is now ready to join them in the future - his genius is their best hope for peace in the vast universe.

Sheldon turns to pretend to yell at his young self again, saying something like, “Shelly, pack your bags, a man is here to bring you to the future! Bring clean underwear!” Penny says good, now let’s try that line again with you choking up a little. Sheldon asks why would he be sad, and Penny says because he’s losing his son. Sheldon says yes, but he’s going to a better place.

Penny says just try it, and says she’ll lead him in. So she repeats the line about Sheldon’s genius being their best hope, and Sheldon doesn’t do anything. She says that’s his cue, and he apologizes, and says he just loves that line.

He finally does the line again, acting like he’s about to cry, and Penny says good! But then he’s not done, and suddenly acts like he’s young Sheldon, asking, Mommy, why are you crying? Back to Mrs. Cooper, something like “Because I’m going to miss you, even though you creep the bajeezus out of me.” Penny comments that apparently they’re improving now.

Back to young Sheldon - he says he can’t help it if he’s so smart, and everyone else around is dumber than rocks. Mrs. Cooper - he tells himself not to start crying. Young Sheldon - he hangs his head and starts to cry. Penny calls Mrs. Cooper on the phone and tells her, “I think I broke your son.” She then hands the phone to Sheldon, and tells him to talk to his mom.

He says, “Mommy? I love you. Don’t send me to the future.”

Scene 10 - Cafeteria

Raj is sitting by himself at a table. Bernadette comes in, and tells him she knows he’s been avoiding her and Howard, and wants to know why. He just shrugs. She asks if it was because she and Howard went wine tasting without him, he shakes his head. She asks a couple other things, which aren’t it, and finally says she wishes she could just know what was going on in his head.

Then they jump into a big Bollywood dance number in the cafeteria, complete with singing between the two of them, and lots of background dancers and hanging decorations. When the dance is over, suddenly it’s just Raj sitting by himself in the cafeteria, no Bernadette, everyone around him going about the business like usual. He looks around a little, then says to himself, “Dance number aside, definitely not gay.”
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