Veiled Vesta

What kind of accent do you have, my dear Victoria frances? I'm sure I wouldn't have done much either in your situation but if my bro was with me he probably would've dumped popcorn on her after the credits and ran. Anyway, sounds like the new Indiana Jones movie is a big hit in this thread!

Oh, and my second viewing party recap of the night before I go to bed. *yawn*

Syzygy

(**Side Note**: How surprised was I to see Laurie Forman in this episode? Pretty freakin' surprised, especially since she plays an evil chick in this show too. And when I saw the episode that followed this one on my DVD, Grotesque, my eyes nearly bugged out: Red Forman playing a hard ass who's sort of evil?! Wow! That's one hell of a coincidence... it's an X-File worthy coincidence! And any fellow That 70s Show fans, please feel free to add your thoughts.)

A bunch of teens are huddled around in a dark forest with candles. They're holding some kind of impromptu memorial for their deceased friend, Bruno. As any good speech writer will tell you, poignant heartfelt speeches benefit from phrases such as "He was like a brother or something" and the ever popular: "We gotta kick some butt like I'm sure Bruno’s doing in heaven right now." The emotional eulogist named Boom, of course, finishes up and leaves, followed by two evil looking blondes who didn't seem to be ery interested in the "stirring" speech earlier. One of them (Terri) is That 70s Show character, Laurie Forman and even back in the 90s she rocks the "good little girl" persona while secretly being evil. Anwyay, the blondes compliment his eulogy and he offers them a ride home. Apparently their dead friend was a target of cultists who only target blonde virgins for their sacrifices. So on top of having a crappy funeral, Bruno boy died a virgin? Must his indignities never end? The two evil blonde chicks have a proposition for the eulogist: if they weren't virgins, maybe they would be safe from the cultists. The car jerks off the road either in shock or ecstasy. You think maybe it was because he looked up and was amazed to have such a clear view of the full moon and I think two planets?

Opening Credits! This is the episode I refer to as (among other things) the Snarky/Sexual Innuendo Olympics. Seriously there are so many double entendres in here, and most of them come from Mulder so I guess he wins first place in that area. He also wins first place for episode's Biggest Jackass and lemme tell you, he had some stiff competition in that area.

Cops are canvassing the area near where those kids had that crappy forest funeral party. One of them finds the dead body of Boom. Up above him, sitting on a cliff, we see the two blondes, Margie and Terri (Laurie Forman) giggling and playing "he loves me, he loves me not" with a flower. It's all very evil and trite.

Here come our favorite agents driving down the road, heading to the little town where politeness and subtlety get kicked in the proverbial crotch and thrown out a window. They pass a sign that says "Leaving Comity, 'The Perfect Harmony City'. You can just feel the irony slap you in the face, can't you? Scully is back seat driving, saying they need to turn right but Mulder insists his directions from the detective told him to trun left. When they reach an intersection he does listen to Scully at first and turns right. Then 5, 4, 3, 2... his car comes zooming back heading left. That was a quick and unnecessary U-turn you pulled, Mulder.

I guess he was right about that left turn because they're at the little town with the cultists and the ****ty, evil girls. Mulder and Scully meet with Detective Angela White at a funeral for the eulogist, Boom. Unsurprisingly, he was a quarterback and well-liked by everyone until they found his body mysteriously hung (heh). He was the third high school boy killed and town opinion is that it's the work of Satanists. Isn't it always. Scully wants evidence, Detective White says there are several eye-witnesses claiming satanic rituals were being done in the woods. Boom's friend is doing his speech in the background and why am I not surprised that he's got the same eloquence as his dead friend? Scully insists on concrete evidence. She's a bit more skeptical than usual in this episode but I tend to forget about that with all the other crazy things that happen in this little town. After a good deal of skeptical questioning, Mulder chimes in with the line: "If you detect a hint of skepticism or incredulity in agent Scully’s voice, that’s because of the overwhelming evidence gathered by the FBI debunking virtually all claims of ritual abuse by satanic cults." Detective White wants to know if that's true but Mulder's all "Don't ask me." Scully corroborates Mulder's smug line and Detective White tells them about the two blonde girls who saw the cultists. Because the detective interviewed them together, Scully thinks they could easily make something up and stick to their story. Detective White doesn't think so because they're supposedly good girls and they gave specifics like a black mass, drinking blood, sacrificing an infant or a blonde virgin, then Detective White leaves. Mulder wonders if she's a virgin. Scully doesn't think she's even a blonde. Heh. Oh, here we go! It's an alien... it's a flying saucer... no! It's Bad Acting Man! Able to annoy with a single sentence! Stuck on shouting for the whole episode! This guy's acting skills are so hilariously bad I've forgotten his actual name and shall hereby dub him Bad Acting Man! (Special thanks to Victoria frances for coming up with that great nickname in the chat room. Plus major shout out because she and I have the same birthday. Sharing the Devil's day *and* D-Day? We're way awesomer than Terri and Margie! ) Bad Acting Man believes that Satan's soldiers are killing their kids and they have to take action. The coffin in front of him quickly gets annoyed so it sets itself on fire in protest. Mulder looks smug while everyone runs away. Only evil Margie and Terri stay behind. Does no one notices this suspicious behavior?

So Mulder and Scully divide and conquer. Well, maybe not really conquer. When they interview the evil girls separately – who by the way are cheerleaders which explains everything (I'm not bitter ) – our FBI pair get identical stories about Satan sacrifice and mass graves on the outskirts of town. Scully still refuses to believe that story because there is no physical evidence of stolen babies, mass graves, and black masses. Mulder quickly chimes in: "If you detect a hint of impatience in agent Scully’s voice, that’s because the FBI’s study also found that in most cases... witnesses were often prompted in their statements by rumors of stories that were being circulated and that there was in fact nothing to support them." Detective White wants to know how that explains the burning coffin earlier and Mulder once again is all "Don't ask me." Way to contribute to the investigation, Spooky. You and Bad Acting Man are neck and neck for Biggest Jackass award...

Time to examine the burnt coffin itself. Maybe it was the embalming fluid that caused a chemical reaction and sparked the fire. Detective White points to a mark that's been burnt onto the body in the coffin. According to Mulder, it looks like a "horned beast". I guess I could see it if I tilted my head slightly and closed one eye. And was drunk. Scully is quick to dismiss it, a bit more snarky than usual but I think she's just channeling my own annoyed-at-Mulder vibes. Detective White leaves and Mulder follows shortly afterward, but not before he asks Scully to take photographs of "that thing which bears absolutely no resemblance to a horned beast." His tone is pure irritation and Scully answers with her own barely restrained irritation and sarcasm: "Sure, fine, whatever." That could be a good tag line for this episode.

Oh! Bad close-up of a cat in Mulder's arms! It looks about as annoyed to be there as I would be. The residence, not Mulder's arms. No actually, I take it back. Mulder is grating on my nerves so I'd probably give him a good scratch across the jugular if he grabbed me. He's at Detective White's house and being the good citizen that he is, he wanted to make sure the detective keeps her cat inside or the satanic cultists will come and sacrifice it. Real believable, Mulder. Detective White thought the FBI would've debunked the cult theory but Mulder says that Scully doesn't speak on behalf of the bureau. He apologizes for Scully's rude behavior (*scoff*) and says that she's usually not that rigid. For a moment I smile when he says she's usually "rigid in a wonderful way" and before I can even come up with the "in bed" joke, my smile disappears and Mulder tells Detective White why he's at her place. He wants her help solving the mystery of "the horny beast"? First entry in the Sexual Innuendo Olympics. Somewhere in a deserted street, Subtlety is groaning in pain.

Mulder and Detective White visit an astrology/numerology lady. Madame Zirinka, I think. Anyway, she's examining the photo of the "horned beast" and just as I suspected, she doesn't seem to see it. Take that Mulder and fake-blonde detective! She doesn't want any trouble, especially since the town has gone all loony and think she could be a Satanist herself. She says she should've seen this coming and mentions that they're heading into a rare planetary alignment involving Mercury, Mars and Uranus (BTW: I found out that 'syzygy' describes "the alignment of three or more celestial bodies in the same gravitational system along a straight line." It's great to learn... 'cuz knowledge is power! ) Mulder won't be getting anymore info from Madame Business Woman without forking over a credit card and visiting during her major office hours. Yeah, you make him work for it, lady.

Now we're at the high school where the basketball team is playing. Their mascot is some kind of goat. Coincidence? Terri and Margi engage in the time-honored tradition of ogling the boys playing team sports. They give a thumbs up to some jock named Scott but it seems he has a girlfriend. Who decided that easily jealous teenage girls should wield Carrie-style powers? They declare that they hate her and wouldn't want to date her. Right. Suddenly a poor gawky basketball player bumps into their table, knocking over the drinks right onto the evil blondes. Nice knowing you, gawky boy... not. What? They can throw silly 90s slang but I can't indulge? As soon as he runs after a basketball, which rolls under the electric powered bleachers, you can pretty much figure he's going to die. The evil girls make the lights go off and the bleachers retract, thus crushing gawky basketball player. Well, there goes victim number four.

Mulder, Scully and Detective White get to the gym/crime scene and figure out what happened. They think it's a power failure, and Margi and Terri make very convincing innocent bystanders. When Detective White leaves, Scully confronts Mulder about ditching her. Took her long enough to bring it up. This town is bringing out the fight in Scully. I like it. Mulder insists he was just following up a lead with the Detective and Scully is all "Fine, whatever." She left out sure. Detective White's back to report on a gathering mob near the outskirts of town.

Aha, so we meet again, Bad Acting Man. Apparently he got a tip on the mass burial. Detective White tells him and his mob that they're digging up private property but Bad Acting Man yells that their children are dying and he's got it on good authority that the guy who's yard they're digging made two kids play "naked movie star games" Am I the only one who wonders what the rules could possibly be for these games? (Rule #1: Get naked. Rule #2: There is no rule #2.) Bad Acting Man is apparently not usually this crazy and loud. Like I'm going to take Detective White-haired-roots' word for it. Scully explains that the mob is just an example of rumor panic and she goes on to cite several examples that get promptly ignored when someone finds bones. Bad Acting Man makes sure to shout it out so the next town over can hear. The bones found are in a bag, and Mulder and Scully get into a brief bout of "after you", "no, after you." Mulder encourages Scully to check it out because he knows how much she likes "snapping on the latex." More snarky than sexy, we got entry number two in the Snarky/Sexual Innuendo Olympics. Scully snaps on her latex gloves and as soon as Bad Acting Man takes a look he screeches that they're child's bones. Okay, seriously, we need to find this dude's kryptonite. Bad Acting Man's able to leap... to inane conclusions as he determines the bag belongs to a
doctor Godfrey (a town pediatrician), therefore he’s "the baby killer". Scully's annoyance at all this mirrors my own. It is up to you, Great Acting Woman, to face off against Bad Acting Man. All you need are some ear plugs.

The angry mob make their way to doctor Godfrey's house where we see he's, um, dressed in a frilly robe and wearing lipstick and I think eye-shadow. Is this because of the syzygy or has he been doing this even before the town went crazy? I don't think I want to know. They finally get him in an interrogation room, minus his pretty robe and make-up. He says he sold the bag at a garage sale to a girl who probably put the bones in there and buried it in the middle of no where. Scully comes to the doctor's rescue as it turns out the bones in the bag belonged to a dead dog called Mr. Tippy, she even pulls out the dog collar. How did they miss that? One of the evil blondes, Terri, comes to retrieve the bones, looking quite distraught. No matter how evil you are, you can still love a pet. Mulder pipes up to say, that it may not be the best time to mention it but someone in the interrogation room is wearing his favorite perfume. Scully would like a word with her preoccupied partner. Out in the hall, she lets him have it, saying she refuses to be humiliated by bringing in a girl on her birthday to identify her dead dog, Mr. Tippy. She thinks that the case is going no where and not only that but Mulder's behavior is highly objectionable, something that Mulder proves by sniffing Scully mid-way through her angry speech. I guess that's one way to get her off-track. Once again, I smile momentarily as he invades her personal space in this most blatant of ways and once again the smile is wiped off when Mulder says that it must be Detective White who's wearing his favorite perfume. Bad Acting Man was in the lead but you've caught up fast, Mulder. Scully is not amused. She says that if Detective White is the reason they're staying on the case, then that's Mulder's business. He seems surprised, saying they're helping the detective with the case and that's it. Scully doesn't care and she's going back to Washington in the morning. Judging by Mulder slumping against the wall while watching Scully leave, she's quite the heartbreaker.

A typical teenage birthday party. Our evil blonde friends share the same birthday and they've got more friends than I figured they would. Maybe the invites came with a threat written in blood. Some girls are playing with a Ouija board, and first up to ask her typical girly question: Brenda, the girlfriend of Scott. You know, the girl who Terri and Margie wouldn't want to date. Why she got invited will became apparent soon enough. She asks who she's going to marry and the Ouija board spells out Satan. Cheer up, Brenda. Maybe it's the nickname of a chain smoking parolee with a pierced... let's move on. Brenda is so scared, she runs to the bathroom only to be confronted with the birthday girls themselves, who have become even more evil. You can tell they're more evil by the ****ty outfits they wear, and if my conservative news outlet taught me anything it's that ****s = pure evil. The lit candles and the chanting of 'Bloody Mary' also lends to the evil ambience. If you close your eyes and count 13 Bloody Marys, she appears in the mirror. But will she have the cocktail that is her namesake with her? Somebody try this and tell me; I would but I don't have any candles. Or nerve. Margie and Terri, holding hands, continue with their chant, trapping a freaked out Brenda in the bathroom with them. Downstairs, the other girls hear screaming. Yup, typical teenage birthday party.

We're at Mulder's motel room. He's spooning some semi-frozen orange drink (maybe it's sherbet) into a vodka bottle. And you can tell it's vodka because it's labeled 'VODKA' in big bold letters. No brand name or anything unless that's the rare, virtually unknown Vodka brand vodka. He kicks back to watch some television and gets an interesting little black and white movie on every channel while a fun, zippy little song plays along. (A brief look online tells me that the song is called 'Sabre Dance' composed by Aram Khachaturian. Good to know the title and artist of the song that's gonna be stuck in my head for the next few days. ) Over in Scully's motel room, she's also indulging in a bad habit: not drinking but smoking in bed. She also tries to look for something good on TV but crazy interplanetary alignment tends to favor that same movie. Finally, she turns it off and paces her room, muttering about "Detective White" and how she "could use their help". Her imitation of Mulder is spot on. If you listen really closely you can hear Scully refer to her as the dumber, more whorish version of Detective Barbie. Maybe.

Mulder won't give up on the TV over in his room but here comes a distraction in the form of... damn, it's life size Barbie herself. Mulder asks what happened and she shows him her cat's collar, found in a box on her doorstep. What is it about this show and killing off pets? Detective White gets all distressed and Mulder goes in for the comfort-grope. If that weren't bad enough he starts sniffing her. She actually has the sense to pull away and ask him what he's doing. You know, Mulder never confirmed if he smelled his favorite perfume on Detective White just now. I deduce that he smelled it on the pediatric she-male! Stranger things have happened. Anyway, Detective White has done her own deducing: Mulder's been drinking. I think the Vodka brand vodka on his TV would be a big tip off. Mulder mentions that he normally doesn't drink alcohol, so I guess we chalk this strange behavior and the following scene as more syzygy-induced wackiness. Detective White grabs his vodka and takes a good gulp before making herself comfy in Mulder's room. Better late than never, Mulder's internal alarms finally start to go off and he tries to get her another room but of course the phone isn't working. The fake blonde throws herself on Mulder and as she straddles him in bed she says something about solving the "mystery of the horny beast". Because she's horny, you see. Mulder fights back weakly. Really weakly. He tries to get her to watch television instead but mentions that it's showing the same movie on every channel. That weirdness turns her on even more and finally Scully bursts in, catching Mulder and Detective White mid make-out. Scully: ass-kicker, heartbreaker, and mood-killer extraordinaire. She tersely informs them that there's been another murder then leaves.

Mulder and sexually unsatisfied Detective White follow Scully outside. She tells him about the girls who got impaled by glass from presumably a mirror. So that's what happens after 13 Bloody Marys... either the chant or the drink. (I recall an aunt smashing a bowl and getting some pieces stuck in her hand after having a few too many. Luckily my other aunt was a doctor and she patched her right up). So Mulder wants to drive but Scully refuses. He gives her a variation on the ole' "it's not what it looked like" line but Scully just pretends she didn't even see that awful image. When Mulder insists on driving, grabbing her car door, Scully demands to know why he always has to drive, claiming he probably wants to do it to feel like a big macho man. He says no and snarks that he wasn't sure her little feet could reach the pedals. Oh no you didn't! Ladies and gentlemen, Mulder's just taken home the gold in the Biggest Jackass category. Bad Acting Man gets the silver. I say Scully should show him what kind of damage her "little feet" can really do. He's drunk so his reflexes are slow - just one swift kick to the little horny beast and... argh. She's not going to do it, is she? Nope. She even has to give Detective White a ride to the crime scene. Mulder has the nerve to mutter to himself as he gets in another car.

It's late at night in some dingy diner, and basketball guy Scott is mourning his dead girlfriend. If he gives his own crappy eulogy I'm going to scream. Terri and Margie walk in looking even ****tier, therefore even eviler. They've got the heavy make-up, the skin tight leather, and the big hair. Is this how promiscuous teen girls looked like in the 90s? I can't recall. Scott tells them he wants to be alone but they don't get the hint. He looks all confused, wondering why they're acting that way. Terri and Margie offer him some hot carnal comfort. Hookers at Fleet Week aren't as "forward" as these girls. Scott's hormones do not respond and he leaves. Terri immediately says she hates him but her friend doesn't say anything, instead opting to leave the diner too. I sense trouble in ****ty friendship paradise.

Mulder didn't actually follow Scully to the crime scene, perhaps some tiny voice in the back of his head telling him he should let her cool off, so he's now at the astrology/numerology place again. Madame Quick Wit makes sure the credit card transaction is good before explaining why the townspeople have been acting crazy the past few weeks. Once every 84 years, Mercury, Mars and Uranus get into a planetary alignment that affects some people more than others (when she says relationships will be badly affected, that's all I needed to explain the tension between our two agents. And it's not the fun, sexual tension, either). The syzygy affects that particular town because they're pretty much in "a cosmic G-spot" (Her words not mine. And the third entry to the Sexual Innuendo Olympics. Mulder's finally got some competition.) In short, if someone was born on that day in the year 1979, they'd have all the energy of the cosmos focused on them. I think we can guess when Margie and Terri where born.

Speaking of the she-devils, one of them snuck onto Scott's truck to proposition herself to him while the other gets there about a minute later and gets pissed. Margie and Terri have let a guy come between them and that ain't good news for the guy when these girls are willing to use their cosmic powers, at it's peak on that particular day, to fight over him. Using psycho kinesis of some sort, they accidentally kill Scott. Problem solved, I suppose. Meanwhile, Scully and Detective White are still driving along, apparently the evil birthday party where Brenda was killed was held far away if the long highway road is any indication. Suddenly birds start falling ut of the sky. Eww. And here comes the mob squad, torches at the ready.

Mulder is busy paying a ton of money for the seemingly miniscule information, and thinking about how he's going to justify that expense to accounting, when he gets a phone call. It's Margie ready to tell him who the killer is. Over with Scully and the detective, they face Bad Acting Man and his mindless mob. As you may or may not know, Bad Acting Man has no useful powers of his own so he must wield a shotgun to feel powerful. This is why his application to the Justice League was soundly mocked and denied. Great Acting Woman and Bad Acting Man face off. Great Acting Woman using logic and FBI threats; Bad Acting Man using his trademark bad acting skills and shouting. He probably would've gone down if it weren't for Terri interrupting the face off, claiming she knows who's behind all the murders. In short, each girl blames the other for the murders. Their plan is so crazy it just might... lead to them being brought into the station for some serious questioning. Mulder and Scully each think they're way ahead of the other but when they talk on the phone they realize something's fishy. Apparently this town's also got Common Sense locked up somewhere. Scully makes sure to give Mulder a nice parting "Sure, fine, whatever" before heading to the station with Terri.

Mulder and Margie get there first. He notices the television at the station is playing that familiar little black and white movie. We get treated the awesomely fun Sabre Dance as the ground starts shaking. Looks like Scully and Terri are in the building. The two girls are not happy to see each other. Mulder tries to get them separated but then the guns go off. Every gun, whether in a holster or on the gun rack, starts a'shootin and all the furniture moves around like crazy while the quirky song plays. This is the funniest evil psychic showdown EVER! Mulder finally grabs Margie and stuffs her in a little storage room or something. Terri follows and he and Scully shove her inside the room for a little time out. Two pissed of cosmic psychic girls locked in a room together. That is not good. Scully wants to know what's going on, and Mulder replies it's something cosmic. That would make a good pick-up line. Finally the clock strikes midnight and the shaking stops. Here comes Bad Acting Man ready for his final chance to annoy. Mulder and Scully yell at him to put his gun down (they say it at the same time. Heh). And Bad Acting Man demands to see the girls. Even Detective White seems to join him, wanting to look inside the little room. Hopefully there won't be too much blood and guts. Detective White and Scully stare daggers at each other for about a second before she lets her open the door. And I'll be damned if there's not a scratch on them. The two ****ty looking girls are huddled and crying in a corner. Bad Acting Man comes to the conclusion that it was Satan's doing all along, being able to convey loud obnoxiousness despite lowering his voice a few decibels. Dear God, is it possible to have a tie in gold medal worthy jackassery? No? Darn. Well this will give him something to strive for next year. Blah blah blah, Mulder also did a little closing narration but the important thing is that the case is done and the agents can get the hell outta there.

Last scene has Mulder packing up while Scully gets comfy in the driver's seat. It looks good on her. Judging by the sound of Scully's foot jammed on the accelerator, she's just as eager to leave that whacko town as I would be. They drive past the "Now entering Comity" sign and my cheek stings from the blatant irony. Mulder tells her she should make a left at the upcoming intersection. She doesn't even bother responding as he keeps trying to tell her where to turn. When he tells her she just ran a stop sign, she tells him to shut up and he responds with our closing line (everybody should know it by now): "Sure, fine, whatever."