so, yesterday night Amelia made me a recap of the episode while it was airing. and I felt like it could have been an episode I could appreciate. And I did. I started thinking about Lucas before watching the episode, basing my thoughts on what Amelia had told me. And after having watched the episode, I thought about it even more.

This is gonna be a long post and it's all about Lucas and what I think is behind his behviour. I warned you, so if you keep reading and you get bored, it's all of your fault.

To understand what's inside Lucas now isn't easy. I keep a very tiny hope that now that Mark has (maybe) concluded Peyton's journey, he will focus a little bit on Lucas, explaining where Lucas stands in all of this. Anyway, I think maybe this episode gave us something to try to understand him, more than in the previous episodes of this season.

I think the most important part of the episode when it comes to Lucas is the proposal. Not because of LL or Lindsey. I saw the proposal as something completely about Lucas. It showed us a little bit of his soul. I really felt in this episode that Lucas is the most fragile between LP. Maybe even the most fragile on the show. He has insecurities that come from his past of abandoned child, from all Dan has been doing to him, from the fact he lost the only father figure he had (Keith), from the fact he grew up with a mother that was wonderful but also pushed the love of her life (Keith) away because she was scared. Till it was too late. The way we grow up affect us so I can see his past having a huge part in what Lucas is doing now.

the book. His novel, his dream come true. That novel seems now to be a damnation more than a bless. Once Lucas had basketball, that made him feel "like I belong", that was "a huge part of who I am". Then he lost it. And he had to learn to live without it. He had to find another way to express himself, another way to define himself. He found it in writing. He told Glenda, when he gave her his book to read: "My first dream was to play professional basketball. Now that I gave that up, you're holding my second dream. If this sucks, it becomes hard to find a third one". These are probably not the exact words because I can't understand exactly. But the meaning is in there.

The novel, it being good, it being published, became to Lucas a way to reassure himself he still had a place in the world, he still belonged to something, he still was worth. Sometime one year after that, Lucas hasn't published the novel yet. He keeps getting rejection letters. He feels insecure, he can't make his second dream come true. And it's killing him. That's when he tries to hold on to the only thing in his life that did matter to him more than anything else: Peyton. He proposes to her. Probably expecting a yes, expecting her to love him for what he is, novel or not. That's what he needs in that moment. Someone to reassure him he is worth it, novel or not. But Peyton isn't ready, she's scared and she says "someday". And Lucas, already completely deep down in his insecurities, takes it as a "no, you have not published your novel, you have failed in that too as you had to give up on basketball". In that moment, Lucas needed reassurance on himself, needed to feel someone loved him no matter what. But I think Peyton didn't understand it, not completely. She couldn't find the right words to let him get that it wasn't about the novel, as we learnt when Lucas told her he believes she gave up on him. I'm not blaming her, she got that Lucas was feeling insecure, but she thought he was feeling insecure about them, while I believe he was feeling insecure primarly about himself. The fact they were being far from each other and they were growing apart didn't maybe let Peyton understand how bad Lucas was feeling.

Then he talks with Brooke. And Brooke insists on his novel, like Peyton had talked about it too after the proposal. "You need to go out there and become the best person and the best writer you can be and then you approach Peyton again". And that's what Lucas did. He got his novel published and approached Peyton, inviting her to his book signing. But Peyton wasn't able to be selfless enough, in that moment, to put aside the possibility Lucas had moved on and she just walked away when she saw him with Lindsey.

There it comes LL in my opinion. Lindsey is the girl that helped Lucas making his dream come true, reading and passing his book to her boss. Helping him getting it published, helping him making it good. She's the one that was beside him in that year while they were editing it. She was there while Lucas was finding his place in the world again. Lindsey was there when Lucas made his second dream come true. I think there's something strong between LL. I think she saved him in some way. Do I think Lucas loves her more than he loves Peyton? No, of course I don't. It's made clear he doesn't and will never love anyone like he loves Peyton. But I think he feels like Lindsey gave him a place in the world again. A feeling he probably lost again when he couldn't write anymore. Years with a block that made him insecure again. I really believe the novel has a very important role in what Lucas is doing. The proposal kinda broke my heart, because Lucas showed how scared he is that people don't love him enough. He believes he is worth to be loved only if he is a great writer. As I said before, this is the result of his past but also the result of things Peyton, Brooke, even Lindsey told him. Being a writer was so important to him that he put a big pressure on himself. The book is what he has used to define himself. And the people around him, not understanding that, just helped him increasing that pressure, making such a big deal of that novel instead of helping him understand that he is so much more than a writer or not a writer.

Now Peyton is back in town and she loves him. And I really think he is aware he loves her. And he is still struggling with the second book. And there's this girlfriend he has, a girlfriend that helped him make his firt novel a dream come true. In the moment Lindsey told him she would love him no matter what, when instead in the past Peyton talked about his novel being published, Lucas felt like that was it. Lindsey would love him no matter what, Peyton hurt him so much so many times. Lucas doesn't love himself, he doesn't appreciate himself, he is the first (and only) one that believes he is not worth of being loved if he isn't a great writer. Hearing from Lindsey that she would love him even if he didn't write any line anymore, it pretty much eases the pressure he has put on his own shoulders with his expectations.

I laugh when I read people say that Lucas is hurting Peyton on purpose. And I feel sad when people say he is a jackass. He isn't either of the 2. He is just incredible insecure about himself. A song by Whitney Houston says "Learning to love yourself, It is the greatest love of all". And I think we all know that if you don't love yourself, it's really hard to feel loved by the others.

Maybe I'm seeing too much into all of this. Maybe Mark isn't trying to make any point. I have been disappointed in a big part of this season so far. But if Mark took some of the remaining time of this season to show us Lucas journey, to show us Lucas finding himself and learning to appreciate himself beyond being a basketball player or a writer, then I think I could love this season, because it would show a development in this character. I think Mark has concluded Peyton's journey. She has grown up, she has learned to stand on her feet, she has learnt to depend on herself, she has learnt that love is sacrifice, sometimes. Now Mark just has to dedicate a little bit of this season to show us Lucas journey. And we all know, I think, that after that journey, after Lucas has found himself and learnt not to judge himself on the basis of a novel, we all know that after that Lucas will go back to Peyton. And LP will be maybe the best it's ever been, because they both will have learnt to love themselves and to have faith in themselves as individuals.