Red's Diary Entry: #13
The Swimsuit Issue
Someone stole my
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Yesterday I hid it in the garage for safe-keeping. I keep it there ever since Kitty confiscated my copy a few years ago. She says its smut. That’s crazy. There’s no difference between a football player in shoulder pads and a swimmer in a swimsuit. These women are athletes. There’s not an ounce of fat on them! Kitty eventually gave the magazine back, but only after she scissored out all the pictures. Anyway, since then I keep it hidden behind the handsaw in the garage. And today, it was gone.
I headed down to the basement to look for the culprit when I was intercepted by Kelso. When I told him what happened, he volunteered to use his police training to help find who did it.
I suggested Fez but Kelso explained to me the first rule of a police investigation: never go with the obvious choice. And, besides, swimsuit models were too tame for Fez. "Two-piece bathing suits are two pieces too many," he’d say.
We crossed off Eric because Donna would think the magazine is sexist and Eric’s afraid of Donna. He needs permission just to watch
I Dream of Jeanie.
Next I suggested Kelso, who got so offended that I would accuse an officer-of-the-law-in-training that he threw his arms up and out from under his shirt fell my magazine. He tried explaining to me the second rule of a police investigation: never ignore what’s right in front of you. I told him not to ignore what’s behind him which is my foot going in his ass.
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